The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Oh Myrrl,,,go easy on yourself. We aren't talking about people like yourself. We are talking about those who just can't handle the situation. I can assure you if I had a friend in your situation I would probably be more concerned for her than myself so do not feel any guilt toward your friend. You were in a tricky situation, you couldn't choose her over your Dad! I think we are all able to tell the difference between someone just "too busy" to have a friend in our shoes and those who genuinely do have their own battles/issues at the time. Your friend would not have felt neglected by you and I am sure understood what you are going through. This thread is for dumb things people say to us and there are plenty of those I can assure you but a friend who cares as you do would never be thrown under the bus...you are in totally different category.
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myrrl--being at your dying father's side while sending emails and calling your friend is NOT being a disappearing freind. I'm sure she appreciated that you thought of her during your own family crisis and understood.Yes, I understand that you feel you weren't there for her, and you weren't. But no can be in 2 places at once. A freind of mine was taking care of her mother through chemo and surgeries for colon cancer when was having my second and third round of surgeries and she emailed and called periodically. I was very, very flattered that she would think of me and make the effort to do that when she was so very stressed and busy with her mom. It never crossed my mind that she would visit. I never thought of her as a disappearing friend. I'm sure your friend felt the same way about you.
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Thanks for that, Julie. I cackled at that very practical advice, "a little more time and effort for sure, but worth it..."
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Myrll, I don't think I'd want my friends gathered around my death bed, visiting just to say good-bye and seeing me at my absolute worst. I think emails and phone calls keeps the boundaries appropriate for both sides. Families are for death vigils, unless your friend was beside you every step of the way, or you with her, a vigil wasn't to be.
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Mumorange, Nativemainer and Barbe, -- thanks. I hope I wasn't posting just for pity (!). I guess I am just dealing with the guilt . . . because I know I COULD have done more. And you're right -- she didn't want or need me there at the end. But it is interesting how these threads, meant to be one thing, can dredge up stuff we never intended!
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That's the beauty of the diaglog...it's natural and there are no rules to stay on topic. Be at peace....
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Myrrl, Those who have posted before me said exactly what I would have said but said it better than I ever could. I know that at times like this we recognize our true friends and that physical presence is not the true mark of being a friend. All too often friends that are physically present are not truly there but are rather more concerned with their own agendas. Often those who reach out from a distance are better connected with one than those present.
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Heathermcd - I can't imagine how you didn't slap that b****! Someone started a rumor once that I was pregnant and it really hurt my feelings (I immediately started running and stopped eating). And that was pre-bc! At this point I'm thinking b****-slap!
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Myrll - my father had a similar situation- his wife was dx with bc about 2 weeks after me; she also has dementia, so he couldn't be with me for any of my surgery or recovery time. He finally was able to come visit 7 months afterwards. In the great scheme of things, I actually felt worse for him than for me. My mom, his wife of over forty years, died of bc. So he was dealing with a double-whammy with baggage. I cannot imagine his distress; I know it was great. Sometimes life just sucks that way. The man deserves an honorary bc medal, if there was such a thing.
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A Storm..i think that attitude comes with a particular peice of anatomy, so nothing surprises me.. hurts me, yes surprises me, no. sorry you got hit. thats' an ouch for sure..Pam in.. i wanted to say i hear it, it makes me uncomfortable, and i always answer.. not brave, or inspiring.. Desperate. that's MY truth.. Kate: i have a problem right now, with a woman that left when i got dx, and no that i'm NED, she thinks ts ok to dance right back into my life. i don't quite know how toh handle it, but i can tell you, i'm not REAL forgiving right now. her defense is, i know, i kept "checking up on you thru other ple. i felt so alone thru this trip, i coulda used her cking up WITH me, instead of ON me. im meeting with her sat. and don't know exactly how i'll handle it.. we'll see. and finally,Annie Bear; here, we appreciate most the "gallows humour that we all ( i think develop)its been nice chatting..we always are of like mind, it seems...0
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3jays--I'm sure you'll find the words to tel your "friend" how you feel. Then just be "busy" when she wants to get together. She'll get the message eventually. I'm a firm believer in throwing useless people under the bus.
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OMG That poster is perfect Native!!! hhehehehehhehe
Bookart, you're right, your Dad deserves a medal, I hope you were able to make him believe you when you told him that!
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Bookart -- wow, your poor dad!
Chabba - great point. I really don't mean to make the situation all about ME -- after all, it was my friend who died, and if that doesn't bite, I don't know what does. So I've made sure not to overdo my contact with her husband and son -- really don't want to suddenly be all about "being there" for them NOW. I'm self-aware enough to know the guilt and issues are mine -- and not really in proportion with reality. But it is the magic of these boards that let me bring it to the surface and start to get rid of it. Nice.
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ya know, i,ve been doing a lot of soul searching, toomyrlll, i think that comes along with the roller coaster that IS tx..or, maybe just any cancer.. i'm sure your friend knwthat you cared. i agree, i wanted to keep certain boundaries. didn't let most ple visit, could'nt stay on phone. a phone call; or really, an email STILL makes my day. we truly aren't talking about a situation like you were faced with. that you could be there for your dad is what counts, so; don't gettoutta the bus! we need you HERE with us!!
as far as comments go, i would die if someone gave me the preggers congrats. my chemo bloat really does make me feel that way.. i'm sorry,cause it cuts so deep at your age, anyone telling me at 60 would be mean, or blind...
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Trust me that comment is scary at my age of 49… and now in chemopause I hope cause I haven't had a period in 8 weeks! ;-)
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I've been in chemopause since my 2nd chemo treatment. The bloating slowly went down, it's still there but much less than it was. I'm getting bloated less and less. Just keep in there.
What was driving me nuts was that all my skirts had the tendency to start sliding up, towards my breasts, because my abdomen was so bloated.
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What a great pic too ...under the bus...
Bookart - big hugs to your dad
Lago/Day. I haven't had a period either since this started... I love it .Bring on the chemopause I say, and lets hope it doesn't start agin!
3jaysmom _- I relate ... to your soulsearching...I couldn't see anyone this week and had to drag myself out in the late aft to shop. Just not feeling social on any level... In fact I even leaving tele calls to message 'cos I can't/don't want to speak to people either.. The house is a sanctuary but also a prison, in a way... Thank goodness for email.
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Period isn't coming back I know it. I think I get some hot flashed between 2am and 5am. I just kick off the covers and fall back to sleep. Not a big deal. Don't seem to get them during the day. Strange.
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Thanks for the visual NM! Now we can actually picture the dummy under the bus when the situation arises.
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Love the bus picture. We should have t-shirts to hand out to people who say dumb things.Or maybe a buisness card to hand out. Just a thought.
I haven't had a period since June '09. Hopefully I'll never have another one.
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Absolutely agree with the bus pic - it's great! I've been period free since April/10. Not sure if they'll come back or not. Am kinna doubting it as I continue with my hot flashes, sore knees etc. Onc. says she'll refer me to an ob/gyn if they return to have ovaries removed since I'm so highly positive. Can't say I miss ol' Aunt Flo :-)
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Iago, that is SO cute!!! "No big deal on the night hot flash".....ehhehehehehehehehehehe.
Wait until you start to ROT pillows from sweating so much. When you have to get up and change your nightgown AND lay down towels on the bed and your (rotted) pillow! It'll come! Just remember what you said today and think of me when you're up late changing your jammies one night.....
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If you're drenched then that's a night sweat not a hot flash. I did have one night sweat just before chemo. I was drenched and didn't realize at first what it was. But I might be lucky. My mom and sister never really had night sweats just some mild hot flashes.
Really not everyone gets them bad. Granted lets see what happens after chemo when I'm on arimidex… that sounds like loads of fun
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outside the box..I never, ever, wanted me, or any other woman to go thru this hell..but, here we are, non the less. my "window" to the world is still the internet, and i wouldn't have that 'cept i showed up, and the ladies here are so kind.. todays' a celebration, cause i learned to post pics.. again, a friend here, chrissy b. stayed on till i got it right..
we truly ARE blessed wome, if ya gotta be here, at least here we take care of each other!!! love and light, 3jays
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I hear you, 3jaysmom. Maybe I don't let you ladies know it often enough, but these forums have been better for me than any support group for getting through this thing. Think about it - tens of thousands of women with breast cancer, from all over the world, sharing their experiences with each other 24/7/365. Telling their experiences, giving tips and telling others what to watch out for. Just knowing that the others here 'get it', in a way our friends, family and coworkers can't unless they've been through it, too, is such a blessing.
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I read today a blurb that said that their is a higher survival of cancer when the person had a strong support system. Didn't say you had to see them in person....
Iago, what's the difference between a night sweat and a hot flash at night??? Maybe you will get off easy...
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I thought a hot flashes only last a few minutes and you are not drenched. Night sweats wake you up and you are drenched… but what the hell do i know. I haven't been researching this. I was to busy learning about cancer.
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I went thru menopause before BC and has a few ocassions of night sweats. Bed was wet and I had to change clothes--but this was after I opened my sliding door and jumped in the pool to cool off. Now I just have hot flashes with the femara.
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"Didn't say you had to see them in person...."
Hee hee, that's so true. Plus, here, it's at a time convenient to us and we can focus on whatever aspect of this we want by reading whichever threads we want.
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I think the 2AM cold showers contributed to my wet bed and nightclothes. Hee! I've actually had some luck with Effexor - it's cutting down on my hot flashes. Not as hot, not as long, not as often. But also not gone. Sigh.
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