The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Ha! Had to google that.
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Pennythoughts--the bc journey tends to shake out and stir up other issues. Don't worry about posting about that here--we understand. Heavens, if we can talk about our boobs, sex drive (or lack thereof), hair (or lack thereof), medication side effects, menopausal symptoms and surgeries I guess we can handle politics and religeon without any difficulty!
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I'm taking it easy today,and poking around and just wanted to say that "turd in the punch bowl of life" is my new favorite. LOL!
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Pennythoughts- I'm with you in that I have become disenchanted with organized religion. And I'm also familiar with spiritual abuse. It always seems that the ones that crow the loudest about being Christians act the least like them. I'm sorry you were treated that way. It's just so wrong.
I read this quote one day and have adopted it as my "religion".
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."-Dalai Lama
NM- So true about BC bringing up issues. I think in the past year just about everyone in my life has pushed one or more of my buttons through their inane remarks, bad behavior or lack of presence (can you say abandonment issues?!?). But now I feel like I have hundreds of little therapists!
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Pennythoughts - Be glad you got out. There is so much good in life - you don't want to waste it with those loosers. And let them all get a big F on their project.
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otter---I'm with you. Prostate CA is a devastating disease and shouldn't be made fun of. (and neither should bc----personally I hate that expression "save the ta-tas"----it's not about saving breasts, it's about saving lives.)
Anne
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Great book out awhile back is called "Toxic Faith." Helped me alot to get through some my stuff in the past. I believe the author is Atterburn--or something like that.
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I am not a member of any organized religion, however there is this old teaching from Nepal.
Much though he recites the sacred texts, but acts not accordingly, that heedless man is like a cowherd who only counts the cows of others - he does not partake of the blessings of the holy life.---Dhp 19
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hey, Penny, glad your here tonite.im with NM and molly 52 i vote to an. f on the project; and then, its' under the bus, for them...when i got divorced, it was all about spiritual abuse. i was a battered wife, and i wasn't even touched by that; until i got counselling for the spiritual abuse. it affected my kids, even more than me..
we were trying out another church, and low and behold..some of the members of the old church were there..
i went to them, and said hello.. and they told me to not speak to them, that they had gone another aisle to avoid us!!
i must admit, i went to the pastor of this new church, told him, and he told these members that if they were going to treat other parishoniers like that, they could leave.
my kids didn't want to go back; but i, at least knew there were still" christians " out there. i got lucky, one of the jr. Pastors left that church, my kids and i also were the catlysts, and he has remained my spiritual advisor sice then. he's always encouraged me. i was bible based for years, and after that; i couldnt pick it up, for maybe 10 yrs.. till recently. its all about grace for me. i think for me, it was grace; that i found this great group of ladies.. too bad breast cancer had to get us all together! Barbara,i say "under the bus , for your cousin..NM they're really wracking up, aren't they?can you show barb your new sign? ( i cant find mine!) Mumorange blast it, there are stupid people out there.. im sorry all of us encounter it sooner, or later...3jays
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Riley - Fortunately, all of our children chose to leave with us and we didn't leave any family members behind. But I have many friends who are in the same situation as you are. They have brothers, sisters, parents, nieces & nephews still in the church. It is very hard on them. Some of their family members have completely shunned them and begged them to "repent". Others will speak to the ones who have left, but the subject of the church and its ungodly tactics and treatment of people are off limits, as they are with you.
For awhile, it was our friends' goal in life to try to help get their family members out of there. But if you're not ready to see the truth, then you're not ready. I'm sure that if my family could have done something - - anything - - to get us out in the 26 years we were there, they would have. But we refused to listen.
I am so glad we are gone, but the effects still linger, The family that we treated so terribly for so long have embraced us with open arms. My supposedly heathen relatives have treated us with far more compassion and forgiveness than we ever received from the church we gave our very lives to. I am very thankful for that.
BTW, according to the doctrine we were taught, sickness such as BC must be a result of my having left the "door open" somehow. And if I would pray and seek God, then God would reveal to me where the door was left open so I could repent from it and then be healed. Since I've left, I'm sure my BC is now attributed to my rebellion to authority. But if that's so (I know it's not), then how did my good friend (who is still there) get his cancer???? So ridiculous . . . needless to say I have changed my beliefs drastically in the last 3 years. The doctrine that used to sound so reasonable to me is now completely unthinkable. It has damaged a lot of lives,
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I just found this post. I know my story seems small to what many of you have said but I just needed to vent. First a little background.I am a single mom with two grown sons and a teenage daughter. One of my sons live with me along with his wife. My mother also lives with me.I had a biopsy Thursday. Before I left for work Thursday morning I put some chicken in the crock pot to cook for dinner. My mom then asked me if we had instant potatoes to fix because I would probably not feel like peeling the potatoes for dinner that evening.
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I just have a short comment on the spiritual abuse thread here. Years ago, we were involved in a highly controlling church situation which was difficult to leave. Ultimately we did leave, but it was a painful time. For me, I came to realize that I needed my face to face personal time to relate to God, and through that I found peace and grace. When the "regulations" of religion supersede that, I get very uncomfortable. The controlling "church" stuff is often a reflection of leaders who are highly imbalanced themselves, for various reasons,and it really has little to do with us. In the end, we stand before God, who loves us, and who cares so deeply and fondly for us. We don't live for those others. Choosing to focus on our direct relationship between God and ourselves can help one to gain a balance. That balance does not come overnight, though.
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i, for one, am glad Penny started this thread in a thread, as many of you can see why by some of my replys. i have always been sure of God, it was the ple "following" Him that were in question. i now follow the Gospel of Grace, that isn't a church, and am much more comfortable. i think there's alot of christians to be founnd here, and in the many threads of BCO; the when 2 or more are gathered that chrissy talks about...3jays0
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It might be time to start a religous abuse thread.
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dmho,
so what happened with the potatoes on Thursday night? real or instant? I counted four people in your household: your son, his wife, your teenage daughter and your mother who I would think are capable, if not alone, then in a group, of peeling potatoes.
I certainly hope the results of your biopsy on Thursday were benign! If not, you might want to sit them all down and explain that if in addition to working and keeping house, you are going to be adding bc treatment to your schedule, then they are going to have to help out at home. or else instant potatoes will be the least of their inconveniences.
Take care of yourself!!!!
Julie E
Julie E
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I'm guessing you had baked potatoes with the skin on ;-)
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I vote for no potatoes. Make a statement. Assert yourself! Set the ground rules early. Whoever wants potatoes can do something about it
Wishing you a good report on your biopsy.
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Yes pj!0
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Heck, I'm MAKE them eat instant! Wouldn't that be punishment enough?
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I don't know, I'm thinking I'd have just dropped a raw unpeeled potato on each person's plate. . . . . .dmho, our fingers are crossed for you and your biopsy results.
Pennythoughts, I read your posts and I think you are doing really well at coming to grips with the spiritual abuse. Recovery from ANY abusive situation takes time. Often its a two step forward, one step back. I would suspect that you are getting "two steps forward" with these people as you are clearly recognizing their hipocracy which can reinforce for you that you made the right decision by leaving that particular church.
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just getting caught up and read the posts about "religious abuse". I left a church many years ago under similar circumstances, and also left my first husband and his whole frkn family and the town we lived in. Wow, forgot how good that felt! Anyway, I now live in a place where most people are not religious and I have not found a church I feel I could belong to. After a bad experience you really look more closely before you put your heart out there... I was really surprised when a medical person asked me about my faith after I was diagnosed with stage 1 bc. Faith is actually on the checklist of the pamphlet they gave me. And I think joining a support group (or therapy) was there too. BCO - check. Joining a church should be a comfort but I'm just afraid to put myself out there right now especially with what I am experiencing.
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I have a situation coming up that I thought I'd share to get some wisdom from you...4 couples get together for a Christmas party at a different couples house each year. This year, the party is at a "friend's" house that has not contacted me once since my DX (12/2009). My DX was right before our last Christmas party and I called each woman to let them know because I didn't want to spoil the party at the party with my bad news. Fast forward to this summer...my husband ran into them and she yelled at him for not calling HER with my update. When he pushed back she stammered that her husband had been sick (he had the poops for a couple of days). Also, my SIL ran into this couple this summer and they told her they didn't know about my DX, which is a total lie. The other 2 couples have called, emailed and stayed in touch with me but not this couple.
I'm not sure how to handle seeing them in a few weeks. Will they act as if nothing has happened? Try to make excuses? How should I act? What should I say? It's been on my mind as the holidays approach. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks, Gina
My husband doesn't even want to go to their house for the party because he doesn't want to hear any of their BS why they disappeared after my DX. We've known them for 15 years.
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Gina,
I don't know what you should say but would hate for you to miss the occasion and the chance to be with at least two other couples whom you care for and who care for you.
Maybe if your health subject should come up you could simple say "oh, everyone has been so good to check on me all year and it has meant so much to me ... let's not discuss it tonight." Do you think they would get the message?
At any rate, I would make sure they would have to ask your other friends who have kept in touch if they wanted any info.
Happy Holidays!
pam
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Pam nailed it in ONE!!! Way to go Pam!!!!
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dmho, I would go out to dinner on my way home after the biopsy and eat whatever you want. Let them fend for themselves.
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I have something I have been saving for just the right moment.
If you want to be big about it, listen to Pam - but if you want to get "a little of your own back" - when they give their excuses for not calling say "oh, don't give it another thought - it really is a time for family and friends"
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Ooh, burn, Molly. I like it.
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I had a situation similar recently. I was so upset in the lead up that I eventually talked myself full circle. Think through what these people have done to you and how they must be feeling ( guilty probably) then turn that into serene thoughts. By the time this girl knocked on my door I was soooooo calm it was scary. She was sooooo nervous. It felt great to have the power back. When you go to this function you must go calm and with the power. Don't talk about yourself or your diagnosis in fact, don't talk much at all. You will be amazed at how unnerved they will be that you are calm and not doing all the talking. Ask how they have been, what they have been up to and smile really sweetly and kindly.....and watch 'em squirm! Don't be drawn into any form of confrontation. If they try that and you are calm they will look foolish. Breathe, listen and don't speak nervously. You are serene and in control. You have done nothing wrong. You have been diagnosed with this and you have been getting on with it. If they ask why they weren't told...apologise sweetly. Disarm them. I am telling you, when I did the calm, listen thing...it worked a treat! Tell your DH what you are doing so he doesn't think you are on sedatives though! Good luck!
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Thanks for all the comments. I was lucky my daughter in law fix rice to go with dinner so I did not have to cook. I did my results and I have joined the club no one wants to join so it looks like they might be doing a lot of the cooking from now on!
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Awww dmho. Big (((HUGS))) for you. Just know we are here for you 24/7.
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