The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Oh DMHO, I was so hoping your results would be b9. Glad your DIL stepped up to the plate.(pun). When you sit down with them to explain what is going to happen next, enlist them in your team. It is always recommended that the patient (us!) bring someone with them to every appointment. Involve your family and it will help them understand your treatment plan, possible side effects ie exhaustion!!
Keep us posted
Julie E
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Gina, I can only tell you what I would do. After my dx, and seeing how many "friends" disappeared or made insensitive comments ("friends" I've pronto shown the door out of my life), I have sworn that for how much longer I have to live, I will never, ever, put on a smiling face and sweep the trash under the carpet just for the sake of having fake smiles around me and to make people feel good about themselves. No, now I say exactly what I feel and if they don't like it, good riddance. I'd rather be surrounded by truthful and love people. Even if it means having just a handful of friends. So if I were in your situation, I'd just not go, but make my Christmas plans with my sweetheart and enjoy fully that day of real love.
dmho, I am so sorry to hear that. The girls are right, you need to sit them down and explain to them what will happen, and try to make plans for the steps that are following, and who will be doing what.
As for the spiritual abuse, what can I say. As some of you know, I am not a Christian, I am a Pagan. As a Pagan priestess, I see many, many times, people joining our community because they had enough of the abuse and control of christian groups and of organized religion. I hear many stories like yours. I am not saying all are like this, and I've met wonderful Christian people since I came to the US, but I think for too many the real message of the Christ has been lost and it's all about control and power over people (and money, of course).
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((((Hugs))))) dmho - this is the scary time when you don't know what is next. When you get your pathology report - there will be lots of people who will be able to help you understand.
If you have a list of questions for the doctor, bring it with you.
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My friend who is current in radiation treatment for bc got a POSTCARD telling her she has osteoporosis. Good thing she had to call them repeatedly to get her biopsy results - at least she got the dx over the phone.
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So what do you all say to the question I'm sure we all hear many times a day - - "HOW ARE YOU?"
I also determined since my exit from the abusive group that I'm not going to sugar coat and lie and pretend everything is great when it's not. I find that a really stupid question anyways - - I know it's a formality that no one really thinks about what they are asking, because really, I don't think they really want to know the truth. They expect to hear you say brightly and cheerily, "Great!" or "Good!" or "I'm fine."
I don't necessarily want to dump on all these poor, unsuspecting people who ask that question, but lately I've been saying "You REALLY don't want to ask me that right now because you don't really want to hear what I have to say." Some just nervously smile and say, "Oh." and carry on without pressing any further. Others press and want to know why I said that. So I tell them. "I have BC, am going through surgeries and God only knows what future treatment, we have shut down our business because the stress of it all is too much for me and we are flat busted broke and may have to declare bankruptcy." I'm sure they wish they hadn't asked.
Surely there has to be a better greeting out there than "How are you?"
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Gina, you have gotten some great responses that will suit the way you may be feeling right now. In that situation, I believe I would tell her that I was hurt that she hasn't contacted me, but that I am sure she has her reasons. But tonight, let's put that aside and just enjoy the party.
Just another alternative, depending on your mood at the time.
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To avoid the awkwardness, I'll answer a question with a question. When someone says "how are you?" I smile, give them a hug, whatever, and just say "How are you?" Turn the attention back to them if you don't feel like dealing with it or don't think they really want to know.
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Ladies - thank you for all your thoughtful suggestions! There is a part of me that wants to ask them WTH but for the sake of the others in the group, I'll probably just remain calm like mumorange suggested and not discuss anything. I really appreciate being able to talk about these situations with others that know exactly what I mean. I, too have been struggling with the "How are you?" questions. I don't want to launch into all the gory details but then again, I feel like people should know it's not really all over. I think there is a teaching opportunity there but I have yet to master the right response with the right amount of information. I've run the gamut of blurting out too much information and also just saying I'm doing fine. Thanks again for the great advice! I'll report back after the party. Gina
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Gina: You could say something about how certain people have been so kind, and name them and the specific things they have done; how "support" isn't a facebook post, it's a concrete act. You wouldn't be criticizing them directly, just praising those who've done things you've appreciated. The people who say "I've thought about calling you," get "I wish you had" from me.
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ginadmc,first off, im saying i'm glad you decide to go. for me, i have to thank molly 52, or advise, 'cause i got a short, and sweet answer that is to the point, yet, not aggressive. i find its just right. i don't waant to "get into it" but i don't want to sweep it under the carpet either! Mumorange,what u said.. if i can keep calm throughout, i'll have made it.....i won't miss any good thing i can do, hooking up with the other 2 couples is a wonderful opportunity, and it will be yet one more thing thats the same this year. BC won't have taken that oppurtunity away from you....dmho, i'm so sorry you have to join this club, but since you're "one of us" we'llbe here for you. fer sure. like everyone else shared, tak somebody with you when you discuss tx.. I didn't say yes immediately to any kind of tx.. took a few days to let it sink in, as it were,. i also started to take a small tape recorder w/ me whenever i went to BS, cause i got so worked up, or nervous, i couldn't remember what he said. large gaps where in my notes. its' a trying time. we'll look forward to hear what they're proposing for you.one or the other of us has been thru the gamut, so we'll help you thru. you are in the right place, girlfriend...
you're truly a great group of gals to have in your corner!! 3jays
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dmho, hugs to you,
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dmho, So sorry. As already attested to many times, these are a great bunch of ladies. Hope you are able to get your meals worked out at home.
I really hope all the adults in your home will step up and be there for you. If not, this is a great place to vent, and I'm sure you can find physical support, if necessary, elsewhere in your community. 0 -
Make somebody else peel the stupid potatoes!!!
So.. a couple of gal pals came over on Sat and while DH watched football...(he totally deserves it)We sat around, chatted and ate unhealthy things...Now the thing is I'm a SUPER HEALTHY eater normally. I sprout, make my own yog...blah blah... but I'm sick of doing this all these years and trying to take of myself and then I get BC. So I told my pals: " Bring whatever you want as long as its not healthy" We ate hotdogs, slaw, shrimp, and choc mousse. Delish! A little of what you fancy eh? My one pal, lost her husband in a plane crash 5 years ago...I told her about this thread and she told me that just after the accident.... one of her so called 'friends', invited her and her 10 year old daughter over to 'get out'. Get this... she invited her to an air show followed by a picnic! ARGH!!!! Some people... are so stupid!!! Where's that bus?
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I think that bus is full!!!
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Pennythoughts: Yes, responding to "how are you doing/feeling" is tough. I've just decided to tell them exactly how I am feeling at that moment in time. One of my standard responses is "basically okay - I'm dealing with this, this and this today, and have concerns about other things. Other than that, I am fine". I can usually tell if they are concerned or interested by the way they respond. For those who immediately change the subject, I assume they either feel awkward about the subject, or they are just not interested. My friends and concerned coworkers usually listen and try to say something helpful, supportive or sympathetic. For those who change the subject - well, I don't spend too much time talking to them at all about it.
dmho: I, too, was so hoping you would get a big B9 back. My strong hopes that the folks in your life will make adjustments that will be helpful to you in the future.
outsidethebox and Sharon50: Let's find another bus (or two, or three . . . )
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Maybe we can turn the bus into a train, that way we can just keep adding cars.....
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dutchgirl6: Lol! Good suggestion!0
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its ok ladies, someone suggested a few pgs ago, that we just pile the JACKWAGONS on top, back forward and back a few times and, that'll flatten them out!! however, a train is good, if iget to drive once in awhile tooooot tooooot!!3jays pic (maybe) to follow0
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To be honest I can't be upset with people who ask how I'm feeling/doing. I do believe they are sincere. I mean isn't worse for them to say nothing? What else would we expect them to say. What does impress me the most is the friends that actually say, and keep asking "what can I do for you?"
And personally I think the train might be the better icon since may of us feel like a train wreck at times ;-)
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I'm probably over-sensitive because I've had some bad situations. Some people are sincere.
However, some of my acquaintances are not sincere. Many of them are just curious, or want some assurance it won't happen to them or their loved one.
At work (I work in the hospital at which I receive some of my care), I've had people tell me what my emotional response, physical response, and/or treatment should have been. (In the latter case, essentially a male stranger (via a mutual co-worker) told me that he recommended I have bilateral mastectomies, in the middle of work, the night before my surgical excision. He knew someone with the unusual LCIS and nothing worse; that's what she chose. Not to mention confidentiality breach.)
Its impossible to keep people from talking. (One co-worker asked about another co-worker if she had a C-section. My reply,"I don't know." They said, "But don't you want to know????" My reply, "No, I don't. Not unless they want to tell me themselves. Of course I hope they are healthy and well." Do you really think that conversation changed his future behavior? I don't think so. In spite of the fact that HIPAA has repeatedly said that inquiry into someone else's medical conditions is subject to termination. They haven't seen anyone terminated for this.)
So I've created an alias for my medical procedures when I have them done at the place I work. Its not perfect, but its better than it was. For me, silence is better that being told what your treatment should be, and how you should have handled situations (because they had a neighbor who just had treatment for bc, so of course they know everything about bc and what choices everyone should have.)
I don't want my co-workers and boss to know what my treatment is, or my other medical conditions, or whether or not I have toe fungus, or my PTSD-like syndrome, or whatever.
I think by far the better strategy is to ask 'What can I do for you?'or the statement "I hope all is as well as can be expected." That way you are not obligated to reply. You can just say, "Thank you for your concern."
I like the train analogy better too.
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Leaf, you said it
This thread has me on the floor most of the time. Its been perfect medicine over the last couple of years. After a few pages of being horrified it built to the ridiculous and all I could do was laugh. Now when people say idiotic things I just laugh and think, "I have to remember to post that."
Its not new, but, I get so sick of hearing it. I had someone again ask last night if I thought breast cancer had made me a better person. I said, not really, I thought I was a pretty compassionate person to begin with.
I hate that question, what do they expect to hear? Yep I was a complete a--h--- and now people can stand to be around me, thank goodness for breast cancer
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OMG no one ever asked me if breast cancer made me a better person. I think I might ask "Why was an asshole before?"
Actually breast cancer may have changed me physcially but my personality is still the same. Hope I'm not dissapointing anyone with that news ;-)
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Iago: I don't know how you were before bc, but you sure haven't disappointed me- I really enjoy your posts and insights 0
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Thanks that's a relief. I really don't know shit I'm just very convincing and committed to what I say. Hmmm maybe I need to start a cult or a ponzie scam. ;-)
Anyone intersted in joining my cult?
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At least we'll all know you mean well, Iago! That's important in my book! 0
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Ha! the "better person thing"! I wrote in my blog not long ago something about it. With your permission I will copy it here - even if it's a little long.
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Little bugs
One of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.
I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.
I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".
This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.
Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?
Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?
At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.
I will never choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance think.
I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.
And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.
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"Has breast cancer made you a better person?" has to be the insult of all insults! I'm pretty sure I'd know how to respond to that one, and it wouldn't be pretty!
Day, you wrote "At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance."
My thoughts exactly! I have far less patience than before BC. When your mortality hits you in the face with the diagnosis, I think this is the result.
I must admit I've been very lucky. No one has said anything stupid or insulting to me, and I've had wonderful support from my DH, family and a few close friends -- in fact, all the people that are important in my life. I am more impatient with DH, Femara gives me the blues and I'm still struggling with chemo-brain, but his patience has remained intact, thankfully! I really, really feel for those of you who've had to put up with stupidity, nosiness and insults. I bet this thread has been a BIG help -- thanks to Day for starting it!
Linda
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Has cancer changed me? Yep, I'm angrier and less patient in some matters. I was a WONDERFUL person before breast cancer....The bus ideology is actually the "Life Bus" concept. You keep on, or throw people off your life bus when you are ready to deal with them. You chose who you want to spend your time with.
IMHO if someone got better with breast cancer, they must have been pretty shallow before it!
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yeah, the discussion f who i am now; and who i was before goes on in my head, and my counselor and i ( i had to get one for awhile) we discuss this alot.
someone here told us that the woman she was just dissappeared while she was in tx.w/out even a goodbye. i very much, feel the same way.. like she packed up in the middle of the night, and i woke up in an empty house. every once inawhile, i get glimmers...but, thats' the PTSD, and i have it, for sure.. i can't speak for the rest of you. i know that i make diffeent choices for my life. i agree about the no drama rule..i do choose "how important is it" a lot. it comes down to, i was much younger whenthis bc journey started. i've aged at least 10 yrs. now,emotionally and physically. so, maybe in tempermant, as well.. its' strange, for sure; but none of us gets out unscathed. the deisions you have to make, alone , will knock down stronger people... 3jays
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Barb1958 I feel like you... angrier and less patient wit a touch of bitterness. I've aged a lot since May of "09. I found out who my true friends are some I didn't know I had. I threw some friends and relatives off the train. I let people know when they have said the wrong thing to me. In the past I wouldn't have said a word. I have lost my innocence, a key part of me that I miss. Now I deal with nightmares of the cancer returning.
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