The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Oh my gosh!!! All you wonderful ladies have made me lauch so hard! I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer from the outset just 3 months ago at the age of 39; I have five children. I was at a 5th birthday party today and an elderly woman told me "Once you've passed away you'll be fine, you'll be resting...it's the children that have to live without you that will be suffering" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one is when most mums at school say: "BUT you look SO GOOD!"...what do they expect me to look like, a monster?!!
I can go on and on, maybe I'll start writing them down too....xox
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Kouragio, that is awful, I'm sorry someone said that to you. Bet it was all you could do not to reply "something tells me few will be suffering when you're gone." I would have thought it, then immediately chastised myself to be more charitable. So, next time hopefully there will be someone there who can say it for you
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It saddens me to hear these stories of lung cancer patients, yet, makes me hope for the future too. I think one of the barriers to lung cancer research is the stigma associated with the disease. Very frustrating. That really needs to go away so some real progress can be made
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What an awful thing to hear, Kouragio! I would be so angry and hurt.
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Kouragio, I had to get up out of my chair and walk around the room after reading your post.
IMHO, leaf is being way too charitable, although she's headed in the right direction. Angry and hurt? More like livid. I was so stunned by the comment that my jaw dropped and no words came out. As everyone here knows, that's rare for me.
Our May '08 chemo sisterhood had a solution to problems like that. One of us would send out an alert when we'd heard a chemo sister was being treated badly. We would rally together (virtually), reminding one another to "bring your shovel!". (I would usually offer a backhoe, to make the task much easier.) Then we would "take care of the problem." Heh heh. It did feel good to pretend we could take care of toxic people that way. It was sort of like throwing them off your life bus, but without leaving all that evidence behind.
You would have to have known AlaskaDeb to appreciate all the details.
otter
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Why can't we ever think of a good come back at the time!!!!
And with the looking good comment.....people think that if we look good, then we feel good and life should just go on as normal....they don't want to hear any complaints and see no reason why you should need any help!!!!!
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That "you look good" comment always bothered me (no kidding) but I chalked it up to a dumb thing people say because they think it makes US feel better (I got this comment from people who were generally nice, not dismissive of other's concerns).
But, Kouragio, I think the only appropriate response to that lady would be, "Have you any idea how offensive that comment is?"
Leah
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Whenver I got the "you look good" comment during chemo, I wondered what in heck I looked like when I was healthy!
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I do look good on chemo. The steriods fill out my face nicely and my skin (on my face) is really nice. I also think my big eyes are even more noticable without the hair.
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I was told I probably got cancer beause I was strong person and could deal with it.
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Was in a store that I frequent quite a bit, the saleswoman knows me & found out about my BC, she said "well you don't look sick" I guess if you have BC you are supposed to look like crap, I think she was trying to say something nice, but it came out badly.
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Lassie11 - I thougth of that when people said that I looked good bald. I must of looked like crap with hair. I do remember turning a beautiful shade of gray whan I was on chemo. I wonder if Il looked good then too?!!
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My mother (who recently returned from her winery driving tour during my tx2, hair loss phase and major kid event period) finally decided to call in after 5 weeks. " So have you lost all your hair?" as bold as brass. "Yes Mum I have" I was wearing my wig. " Oh well at least it will grow back fast"....I couldn't help myself. " Well if a year is fast then I guess so".
KOURAGIO: It is people like that that make us realise who the good ones are! I am so sorry that someone said that to you. As a Mum I can relate to how that would have felt. I bet that old bag stole all the kids sweets too!
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Love the busses to throw those who are insensitive under. My nomination is my boss. She has been better lately, but then I avoid talking to her unless I have to. Me - I am tired of the "Are you all done with your surgeries?" from everyone. My response is "Who knows". I think we all hope that each surgery will be the last and then Wham! another one comes along. I will never get all of my time off built back up due to the time I have spent in the hospital. It is so bad that when I was in the out patient recovery unit with my DH after his recent surgery, the patient rep. said _ "Oh, you're the one who had the green nail polish on which matched everything". Unfortunately she was correct and that incident had been my latest surgery 3 weeks prior. (The nail polish matched the green in the print of the lovely gown, the latex free alert band and one of the pieces of anesthesia apparatus to name a few).
We all have to keep our sense of humor, even when it is hard, and know the world is insensitive and generally doesn't care. Everyone in their own little worlds, yet trying to run everyone else's to their way.
Sorry for the rant, guess I needed to get it out.
Hope everyone has the best Holiday Season that they can.
Nancy
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KURAGio: this ones' for you!!
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for your boss, nancy...
3jaysmom 0 -
a few pages ago, we saw this new bus, for all those who needed one... 3jays 0 -
On the subject of *insensitive comments*, here's a doozy: I found out a few months ago that my partner of three years has been having an affair with his ex the whole time we were together. Long story short, his ex came around to our house to enlighten me and amongst other things, said to me: "I know you've had breast cancer, and figured you must have had a breast or breasts removed because I've noticed that since he's been with you, Greg's whole approach to lovemaking has changed - he is obsessed with my breasts and can't leave them alone."
Thought that was a tad *low* really, all things considered.... x Mel x
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Wow, Mel, you are right, that was a doozy. Low doesn't even come close.
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MelG you should have told her that he was probably just checking for cancer.0
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Dear Kourageo,
Unbelievable. I haven't been posting lately -but your post infuriated me. I know you were probably so shocked and hurt that you couldn't even think of a comeback to the most insensitive statement I've ever heard. I don't have children, but I know that every one of the women I know think first of their little ones when diagnosed. I wish I could have been there to tell her "Once you've passed away you'll be fine too... but you WON"T be resting ...because the universe has a way of dealing with people like you!
Best wishes to all.
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Delilahbear: really? how would she know? I'd have asked her who told her that and why she needed to know that info because HIPPA would say only information needed directly for your treatment should be disscussed and nail polish is not at all related to a need to know
MelG, what a cruel nasty woman. Sounds like the two of them deserve each other.
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When I told my husband about the diagnosis that the doctor had just given me over the phone, he said, "Oh great, now I have to raise these kids by myself".....a little lacking in sensitivity don't you think?...It's ok, he comes by it naturally! Then about 22 days after my first chemo cocktail, my long hair was falling out in handfuls and clumps so I had it shaved. My mother in law said, at least they cure breast cancer (oh really--obviously not up to date with our medical technology) and then as some kind of nasty "gotcha" comment, she said, "I know you shaved your hair off so you look sick"..... She has said numerous other dumb ^&! things....and among my favorites is "poor Andy"....the son that I am married to (currently separated from!)...as he has been so completely insensitive and awful to me during this difficult time... OMG! Some people have NO CLUE!
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nextstepsfromhere: I don't know what to say. That is beyond the pale. I really don't have words to try and help with how much that must have hurt
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Well, I became very strong, but very solo... it is hard...but I cannot believe the insensitivity of people! Especially the one I married into! I knew he was selfish...but OMG! It is over the top! I had just started a business before my diagnosis...I was very determined with my work and spent the few days of 'sickness' doing the best I could, and then poured myself into my work....even with chemo brain! Some days all I would get done is a couple of letters or a staffing...but I made it through...Some days I feel great! I KNOW I am blessed. My business is good...and I left him (still trying to figure out the separation--after leaving the insurance issue became a reality and now I am stalling everything...) so...I am doing fine, tests are fine, I am on aromasin...but still I have this overwhelming feeling of 'doom'...well, maybe not doom...but something...like...I am ok now, but what am I going to do when I am dying?...(alone)...I have done everything to fight cancer and there is no sign of it currently...but that fear of it coming back, of ending my life.... I hate that...any suggestions?
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3jaysmom - Thanks for "throwing my boss under the bus". Maybe it will help!
kmmd - The patient rep was in the pre-op and post-op areas when I had my surgery and meets with each patient personally, plus I work at the same hospital so that is how she knew about my "green nail polish incident" so not really a HIPPA issue. I would have my surgeries where my BS and PS prefer (and the staff don't know me) which is at the other hospital in town, but I had such an awful experience with their out patient surgery center during one of my biopsies, pre-MX, that I prefer to never go there again.
nextstepsfromhere and Mel - what insensitive clods you are having to deal with. My problems really pale in comparison and now I feel badly even complaining as my DH has been so supportive and my Mother has been pretty good as have my other family members and "in-laws". I am sending you cyber hugs and support. Let's hope the old adage of "What goes around comes around" applies to some of these insensitives. Not that I am wishing BC on anyone, but that people need to just think before they speak.
I like to think that I have come to be a better, more tolerant person as I consider myself lucky that I did not need chemo or some of the other awful meds and think that "there but by the Grace of God, go I" and golden rule. These people evidently haven't had to deal with anything of this magnitude.
I was recently devastated to hear that an acquaintance of ours has been diagnosed with lung cancer - a non smoker - and I can not find out much information as to her treatment, prognosis and just figured that to send a thinking of you card offering to do anything I could to help was all I can do at this time.
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Mel - yikes (to the whole situation)! I'm imagining that maybe your ex has been wanting to have some really deep conversations with you recently and hmmm... wondering if maybe ex's ex got a lobotomy? Something is definately missing there.
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This evening I wanted to throw my own mother under the bus. We were talking and I said that I hate the month of May because that is when I found my cancer. She said I should be more positive. I found the cancer and now its gone and I am all better. I moaned. She doesn't know. She lives in denial. I tried to tell her how I am in constant pain from the lumpectomy and my arm hurts from taking the lymph nodes out. I don't think she realizes that there is a chance that it can come back and I live that fear everyday. Does that ever go away?
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Veggy - "does it ever go away?" we will probably forget about it for longer periods of time as we get further away from the experience... like maybe several hours or even days at a time -? I'm hoping anyway. In the meantime, I am thankful that my DH has always been in denial and therefore it is easier for me to go to that denial place myself when I need a break from reality. Then there are times when i definately wish I had a bus...
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Mel - that is just awful. I can't believe that woman had the nerve to say that to you.
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