The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Yep, breast cancer - the gift that keeps on giving!
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Chemo - the gift that keeps on taking.
There are somedays that I feel like the bus hit me. Somedays I fel like I drive the bus.
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Most days I wake up and don't even want to get on the bus, let alone have to decide who will come with me.
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I used to drive my own life bus....now I sit in the back in the corner....sigh.
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I'm still driving but I keep hitting pot holes! Maybe I need bigger tires.
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May I include a dumb thing said in front of my children? Having dinner with my children and a friend at my favorite Mexican restaurant and having a very fun time. These two of my kids are 14 and 16 and were being absolutely joys that evening -- no teenage drama, complaining, or anything negative, just pure good company. Then my friend proceeds to say "I know you hate cancer stories, but ...." and then proceeds to drone on and on about a woman she knows with two children and how sad it is that she's not going to get to see these children grow up (she repeated that part multiple times!). I got her derailed, but not until after the damage was done. I've been very honest with my kids and reassure them that I will ALWAYS be that way, regarding cancer and anything else. But why would she do this in front of my kids? I was extremely angry, but waited until I'd cooled down to explain how that was for my kids and me. It was a sensitivity thing on her part, but really? I feel like I've gotten good at shrugging off what people say, but don't mess with my kids!
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CandyB I am sooooo sorry. I think I would have been hard pressed not to push her face in the guacamole.
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Outsidethebox -
oh, take the widow and child of a plane crash victim to an airshow for fun!! Unbelievablewhat would be the equivalent for a friend with bc? taking her to a Victoria Secret's runway show?
and CandieB-
what jerk, pushing her head in the guacamole wouldn't have been enough, she should somehow have ended up with that lava-rock three footed guacomole bowl on her head.
Julie E
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My original (and quickly fired) BS is the one that told me that many of her patients have told her that BC made them a better person by showing them how strong they can be. I looked at her like she was insane and told her, "Through multiple life experiences that I didn't ask for I already know how strong I am. I don't need my breasts cut off to prove it." That was the last time I saw her- she went under the train with the rest of them.
CandyB- Pretty much sums up- with friends like that you don't need enemies! I'm assuming this wretched soul doesn't have children of her own?
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CandyB I would have stopped her from telling the story. Nicely telling her that this is an inappropriate time, you two can talk later. I don't have kids but I do have nieces and nephews. No way would I let someone tell them doom and gloom stories like that their mom is surviving! Some people are just stupid but you don't have to allow them be stupid in front of your kids or kids in general.0
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The worst thing for me is not what people is saying to me, but how they avoided me.
When the rumor at my work started to go around about that I had cancer, people started to act really weird against me.
People who normally would smile and say "Hi" and guys that used to flirt with me or make a funny comment starting to look the other way around as soon as we met in the kitchen or in the hallway.
I told our HR person about this and I think she might have said something because now I'm getting the smiles and "Hello's: again.
Now more flirting though
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CandyB - I just get dumbstruck with some people! I can forgive insensitive,I can forgive inappropriate, I can even forgive stupid & thoughtless to a degree - but her callous disregard of your children's thoughts and feelings goes way beyond that. What is with this woman? Did she not get the common human decency gene? I hope your kids are going to be okay - I know that sounds trite; it's not meant to...words sometimes don't express (esp when I'm authoring them)
Your post has caused me to think about what I would do/say if confronted by a similar situation - which is something like:
"I know you hate cancer stories but..."
You're right, I do so let's talk about something else. Or (if the devil takes me): let's talk about something you hate; let's talk about (insert most confronting/anxiety provoking thing affecting them,) Not really out of mean spritedness or spite, but to just pull them up and make them THINK!
I'm hoping to spend Christmas visiting my children and my teenage and pre-teenage grandchildren and I had not previously given much thought to the galactically stupid people I might encounter whilst in their company -so I thank you for your post. Forewarned is forearmed.
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InTwoPlaces- I agree with you. It was the people that avoided me that hurt worse than the ones that were just innocently clueless. At least those people bothered to show up. For the past year I felt like I was in a prisoner of war camp and was only just released.
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Oh this one really had me floored. I seldom go to the office as we are a technology company and most of us are virtual. So I was there today and saw a guy whom I hadn't seen since several months pre-BC. So he says, 'How you doing? Haven't seen you in months!' I said 'Great, despite fighting breast cancer.' He says 'Wow! Your hair grows fast!'
I just shook my head.
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Finally had my first Gyn appt since my diagnosis and mastectomy. And, considering I am thinkking they want to do a breast exam and I haven't even told them yet of my mast.....I am more than a little nervous. Sure, everyone and their brother has seen my breasts during and post surgery...but they were all affilitated with my BS and PS. So, it is going pretty well and the doc says he is sorry and all of that....says no need to do breast exam as normally BC patients are so closely followed by their BS. But, then he has the add somewhere in the conversation that DCIS is really a pre-cancer. That sure made me feel better about having my right boob lopped off!
I wish doctors would stop saying that..........arrrrgggghhhhh
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I, too, hate the pre-cancer thing, even though I didn't get that diagnosis. Every time I hear "pre-cancer" I wonder why we don't do appendectomies for "pre-appendicitis" or give everyone a colostomoy for "pre-colon cancer" or do prostatectomies on med for "pre-prostate cancer." Yeesh.
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i went for my yearly gyno check dr went to do breast exam and say:: oh notheing there < i shoulda ask if that means i get charged half price,
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I had melanoma in-situ (thank God) twice and no one ever said it was pre-melanoma!
Sheesh.
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Yesterday I was talking with the office manager at the school where I teach nursing. She told me that one of my clinical students called her last summer to complain that I wasn't doing a good enough job. One of the examples the student gave was that I "made up" the bc diagosis and the things I was going through last semester (I was setting up for reconstruction done in June). She thinks I made all this up? The student was upset that I didn't take her problems seriously--her mother became ill and died and I gave her time off without having her make it up, her father broke his hip, moved from Fla to Maine so she could take care of him then moved back to Fla where the rest of the family accused her of kidnapping him, during which I gave her several assignment extensions and let her use resources normally not allowed. But I "made up" having had bc and planning a reconstruction. I am so furious. I wasn't hiding the diagnosis or the process I was going through, but I kept it as peripheral as possible. I did have to reschedule a couple of things due to medical appointments. Did she really think I was making multiple trips to Boston for the fun of it? OK, so going to Boston for the day for shopping, a ball game, a show or something is a common activity around here, but I came back with bruises from needle sticks, reports of appointments and genetic testing counseling and things like that. I didn't exactly come back with new clothes or a Red Sox pennant. This from a woman with adult children, elderly parents, and only one semester from graduating as a nurse. Right now I am hoping she fails this semester's class, big time. Or that she doesn't pass next semester. Or that she doesn't ever pass the state boards and get licensed. Or that she can find a nursing job that doesn't require interacting with human people. Arrgghh. Not a very Chirstian attitude, I realize, but I'm working on that.
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I've learned that people like that are pathological. She will NEVER see your reality. I've learned to laugh. When I transferred to a new location and my new boss got my file she called me and said there were amazingly stupid things written about me! I laughed and brushed it off and said I didn't really care as I knew the source. That stopped her in her tracks as anyone else would have wanted to see what was said. I didn't.
There's a saying: What someone else thinks of you is none of your business.
That really freed me up to truly just be me.
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I posted this to PUBlX contact site the text is self explanatory. Too many company's are doing this. Next year they will get the surprize I stated .-----to Publix ---I may have already sent this, but here it is for a first or second time. When paying my bill I was asked to contribute to X ---could have been for breast cancer --whatever. It was with earshot of everyone around me. If i said no I'm "selfish". Well I had breast cancer last year and my husband had lymphoma and he has died in August. I was pissed. I went to the manager and said well instead of collecting money at the register, how about you paying my bills for cancer. he was an idiot. "don't you see we want to help everyone". Paraphrase only. When you ask for a donation at the counter you have NO NO NO NO idea what that individual is going through. You have just jumped on some national bandwagon. Sounds good sitting around a corporate table. I can't remember if I new my husband was dying or I had just lost him. I should have just flashed my fake boobs and said ----no I have already given, and my husband is dying. As corporate your convinced ---awhhh good public relations. To the cancer patient going through it, that has lost their savings, perhaps livelihood, and may be terminal what you have caused is pain beyond belief. I cried all the way home. Please , do not ask at check out. for a donation. I have made a decision if it happens next October I will flash my fake boobs with all the scars. Hopefully then I would be arrested. AND we can debate your insensitivity and my flashing of what is not real, but created instead of real. Too many of PINK supporters have not actually experienced breast cancer. I am active on a national organization site. The site may support PINK. Far and away the discussion board members hate it because it only reminds them of what they have been through. Let each of us do our own thing. Don't ask me for a donation at the register. Our dollars are stretched far enough. End of email
Bollocks them. Great english term. Here a different word would be censored.
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NM---------please tell me your boss , didn't let that enter your file witout all kinds of corrections.
AS a past teacher--------you gave her more than most teachers would, how could she be so vindictive. Bizzare. Something more is going on there. She is unglued. Your right. She should be required by the school based on her attack of you as to whether or not she has the ability to be a nurse. She needs a psych eval. I had 3 out of 300+ that they were to bizzare to recommend for testing. the BOSS overroad me on 2. She had to pay for one because she became his medical advisor. The 2nd went to a different school. The third was the next medical directors problem that he signed for and he likely became a danger, but the boss signed his diploma and he went to a different area.
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So far I've heard the comments about getting a great pair of boobs out of the process. One person at my office told me he was thinking about my boobs last night which I guess was his way of saying he was thinking about me. Right before my biopsy I was told a story about a woman younger than me who died of b/c and left behind 3 young children ( I have a 5 year old). The person told me that the poor woman's youngest child doesn't even remember her mommy anymore! YIKES! That was exactly what I wanted to hear!
But now I keep hearing people commenting on my weight. I'm a small person to begin with and stress really knocks out my appetite. People seems to feel free to tell me they have heard I've lost weight. One person even grabbed my face and said something about how drawn my face looks! And this was on a day when I was feeling pretty good and had made an effort to dress up, do my make-up and hair, etc. I told her I was trying to go for the emaciated model look! I don't know yet if I'll be doing chemo but I can't wait to hear the comments if I do!
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A friend of mne had some spots on her face, so she goes to the dermatologist. She asked him if the spots were cancer. He told her "No, it's just aging". She then replied, "Well, I wish it was cancer, at least you get sympathy for that. You don't get sympathy for aging". At this point, she's laughing so hard she's about to fall off her chair. Yes, she knows I have cancer. Usually, people's remarks don't bother me, but this one hit a nerve for some reason.
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Well Ladies Glad to see I'm not the only one with insensitive friends...my friend who is a personal chef has been asking me to come over so she can cook me some soups and foods for chemo week, well as it turned out I was not feeling well and canceled on her days before, the last time she responded that I sounded fine on my message... so she said she would go ahead and cook for me and bring it over, I could not talk her out of it... she shows up with too much food and then gives me a bill for the groceries...I had no cash so she follows me around as I look for my checkbook, I WAS LIVID, the bill was 20.00 and told me when the food runs out she will make me more,NO WAY ,I think she is forcing me to be her client not something I would do to her if she had CANCER ARGGG!!!!!!Cat
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Cat,
Is there anything you can do for her like make a Christmas wreath or something else special? Then bring it to her with a bill for materials? Just be sure it is something you will enjoy yourself when you take it home if she balks at paying? Would serve her right.
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Chabba,BRILLIANT!!! I Love it...You tottaly got it! I may even do just that to teach her a lesson...Got a good laugh out of your answer, BLESS YOU,Cat
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Cat---
If you do Please tell me all about it.0 -
I thought this was pretty good
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/12/hitchens-201012
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Barbe-I agree, she is pathological. After being totally appalled and angry for a while I actually find it sort of funny, in a pathetic way. I'm also transferring her to another instructor next semester. She'll be mad since she'll have to drive further, but she wants a more competent instructor, so she's getting one, so there!
Sas-great response! I have been soo tempted to flash my scared, reconstructed chest when asked to donate "to the cure." I've donated enough, and none of that money was available to help me when I was wiped out by treatment costs. One day I'll get pushed just a little bit too far, and then someone is in for a show! The student called the admin assistant, who gave her quite and earful right back! Nothing in my file. Student comments don't go into the file unless the student signs the evaluation form, and this gal doesn't do that. The instructor I'm transferring her to doesn't put up with any nonsense, rarely gives extensions and then only for the most extreme situations and only for a few days, and answers almost every "I need to be treated differently" complaint with "and what are you going to do when you are licensed? Grow up and act like a professional." Wish I could see the look on her face the first time she doesn't get out something!
Boatergrl-why do people feel it's ok to comment on someone's weight, heavy or light? It's really none of their business! I don't get many comments like that anymore. I respond to such comments with "Why do you suppose a compassionate person would say something like that? Oh, I'm probably asking the wrong person that question." Some get it right away, some not until later.
Cat-holy cow, what nerve! Next time your chef friend calls, tell her that you'd be glad for the food since the chemo bills have left you with no grocery money, and how kind of her to help you out with a food donation. I'm betting she never shows up!
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