I know I cant be the only lesbian out here?
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Bobkate, I second what bluedog wrote, above.
I think I understand what you're saying. I've often thought that, in some ways, my treatments have been harder for my partner than they have been for me. I mean, it hasn't been easy for either of us, but if I put myself in her shoes, it looks really grim. From my side of things . . . well, I'm experiencing the brunt of it, but she's the one to help me pick up the pieces and put Humpty Dumpty back together again, you know?
I was never a talker and am also fiercely independent. That said, I needed her--and I mean truly NEEDED her, and still do (rads soon)--and that really changed my perspective in a lot of ways. This whole crazy road has made me a gentler person. I mean, I do yoga now (if you knew me, you'd laugh) and talk about my feelings and openly express my gratitude. . . . Things I'd never done before.
Cancer brings out the real talk. I'm not gonna lie. My partner and I have been together for 11 years and have had some of the most meaningful conversations of our entire relationship in the past six months.
What would happen if you just asked her what she needs? Also, and forgive me if this question is too personal, are either or both of you seeking any sort of therapy? Two people here, with two separate therapists. Thank God for good therapists.
Hang in there, and please feel free to continue to reach out if we can help. Hugs.
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Hi Bobkate,
We wanted to stop in and welcome you as well. We're sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis, but she is very lucky to have such a loving partner in you, to come here and get support and answers. And this is the BEST group around!
You may also want to check out the For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters forum to discuss with others dealing with a loved ones diagnosis -- it's a unique perspective and we hope you can find support there too!
Thanks for joining and we look forward to hearing more from you.
--The Mods
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through Bobkate. I think it is fine to share your fear with your partner. It doesn't mean that you don't think she can kick cancers ass! Sometimes my wife and I cry together and sometimes she is telling me how strong I am and how we are going to beat it together. Spouses as well as the person diagnosed with cancer go through good days and bad days.
Big hug to both of you. You will get through this together!!
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Welcome, welcome, welcome!
I would second all the above responses and also add that as time goes by and the initial fear/terror/whatever response sort of settles down that things do get better. i totally agree with asking her what she needs/wants for support and please realize that that may change from minute to minute (it did with me).
I don't keep anything from my long-term partner (8 years) but I don't elaborate. She's a "worrier" so I keep the information that I give her in a more.... hmmm... light-hearted tone, I think. For me, my support is this place because this place, right here, is the only place I have where people "get it". No one in my real life does except for friends who have been here and done this. Several of them are now deceased.
Sending hugs,
JJ
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Thank you Blue Dog. We just got the good news that there was no cancer found in her lymph nodes and that they believe they got all of the tumor based on the healthy tissue that was found with it. It was about 8mm the doctor said. It is all a little overwhelming. There is so much information to try to keep track of. She will be going to see her oncologist in the next week or two. The surgical oncologist feels that she will probably just need radiation and tamoxifen (sp?) Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts.
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JustJean, I believe that my partner also keeps things from me. I have an autoimmune disease that sometimes gets worse with stress so she tries to be all upbeat all the time. I am VERY healthy and I don't believe stress is any worse for me then it is for everyone. She is not a talker so it is hard but with the good news we received from the doctor, it is getting a little more relaxed. Thank you for your kind words and support. !
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Great news, BOBKATE!!!0
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So happy for you and your partner, BobKate! That's really great news. Keep us posted and ask questions if you have any.
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Excellent!
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Hi, I'm new here. We were just diagnosed right after Valentine's day. IDC with HER2 positive. We've had a biopsy, ultrasound, another mammo,and today we saw our surgeon, she seems great. She's very personable, and knowledgeable. Had an MRI too today. Now we wait for those results and hopefully schedule our surgery. My wife Teagan is the patient. I just wanted to reach out and say. ..." no your not the only Lesbians out here" were here and basically alone.
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I'm so sorry for your wife's diagnosis. I know that my wife has just as much if not more stress than I do. She totally takes care of me, the house, chores, work and everything. I don't know what I would do without her. So on behalf of your wife thank you for being such a giving partner, I can just tell you are by the way you worded your post.
Just remember to take it one day at a time. The waiting sux. There is a lot of knowledge on these discussion threads so use it. And come here if you want to talk about things only "family" would understand.
Hugs
melissa
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hi everyone,
Names Amanda. I'm 32. I just had a lumoectomy (yesterday 3-28-16) for a Phyllodes tumor. Luckily benign on biopsy but now waiting on path results again. When I had my mammo my tumor was only 4cm. 4 weeks later.... 12 cm. The size of a fist. Its a nasty looking thing.
My wife has been great but she only shows 3 emotions. Happy, angry , and really angry. I know she must be just as stressed out as I am. But she's been wonderful through it all. Took the kids to school then laid in bed with me most of the day until I was ready to get up and eat.
Recovery from the lumpectomy has been pretty easy going. Not much pain. Is that normal or is it going to hurt like hell in the next couple of days?
Anyways- glad there is family out there. Thank you all.
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Sorry you are going through this. I didn't have a lumpectomy. I hope you have little pain. Hang in there.
Melissa
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Amanda, wow, that was a big tumor. Hope the path result confirms it's benign. Sorry you have to go through this at such a young age and with young children. My kids were 17 and 19 when I was diagnosed and not nearly as tiring as little ones. My lumpectomy wasn't that painful -- hope yours stays that way.0
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It was big. I have had a lot more pain today than yesterday. And I keep hearing this sloshing noise. Like fluid is moving all around. I worry that she took so much out and didn't put I'm a drain. And yes I am eagerly awaiting my path results. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for responding.
Lisa- I'm originally from NoVa. Manassas. I've been out here in Arkansas with my wife for 3 years.
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Hi all,
Good to find a current thread going, with other lesbians. I was just DX on March 7. Have my first meeting with BS tomorrow. Have found a couple of threads with some nice ladies, but nice to find this one as well. Think I may of had one negative response, when I mentioned I was gay to someone whose case was very similar to mine. Sucks that it has to even be a factor. Dealing with BC is stressful enough, without having to worry if someone isn't going to talk to you because of your sexuality. Anyways, I'll be checking in. Have a good night all
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Welcome, sensitiveheart and Amanda. Sorry you have to be here, but good to see you in this thread. I agree that dealing with BC is hard enough without people being judgmental and unkind because of sexuality! Man, you'd think they'd let it go in these kinds of situations, wouldn't you?
Amanda, there probably is fluid sloshing around in there. Since you don't have a drain, you might have to have it drained--if the sloshing keeps up today and tomorrow, it's probably best to see your surgeon.
I promise it'll get better, though.
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Sensitiveheart, sorry about your negative response. I haven't really mentioned having a wife in the forums. It's weird because I am so comfortable being out. But I have to admit I thought about people who may be prejudiced on here. But now my chemo group has started a Facebook page. So I joined it and mentioned being married to my wife for 19 years. I'm waiting to see if anyone says anything....... or if I get shunned?? Sad we still have to think of these things.
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My BCO Facebook groups have been fine, as has everyone here. I hope you have the same reception.
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Hello friends- pardon my interruption: I am not gay, but have many dear friends on bco and IRL who are. I wanted to say you are all much loved and welcomed. And if I see any shunning or lack of respect anywhere on these boards, (fortunately so far, I never have) I will set to educating them myself.
I realize I am on the outside of this looking in and can never truly understand. But all the people I call friends, gay or not, in my life, enrich me. Their sexual orientation is just one facet, and frankly far from being the most important one. Things like kindness, caring, humor and intelligence are what matter to me. It is a shame this has to even be a consideration for you at a time like this. I hope with all my heart that for most of you it will not be.
I hope you will forgive the intrusion. I am always surprised this is not a more active thread, and any ignorance on the part of others should not in any way inhibit the support and love you need and deserve from all of us.
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Very thoughtful and kind words Jackbirdie. Thank you.
Good to know Ksusan. I know you have posted in my chemo group often. I will just proceed as I do in my normal life.....normally! lol
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Thank you Melgirl and Jackbirdie,
Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. Everyone I have encountered has been extremely nice. It just seemed that someone who was very chatty with me, became very quiet after I mentioned coming out in my early 20's. On the other hand, giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's because this is a stressful time in our lives, being DX less than a month ago.
On another note, I had my first meeting with a BS today. IDC Grade 2, Stage 1. I have the option of a lumpectomy with radiation or a uni-mastectomy/ node biopsy. Radiation could pose a problem for me because of other health issues....I have neurofibromatosis (causes benign tumors to grow anywhere I have nerves). Radiation has been known to cause the neurofibromas turn cancerous. Have a consult with radiologist on Tuesday, to discuss this. Also have been referred to a genetics, because of family history of cancers. At this point I'm leaning towards the uni-mastectomy. BS said that even though I was ER+, it was only 8%, so probably no tamoxifen afterwards. Also leaning towards no reconstruction, as I don't want to have multiple surgeries. I know it's a personal decision on reconstruction vs non. Any input on the decision you made?
Thanks for the warm welcome
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I went flat, which I planned when it was just looking like a uni, but it was an easier decision with bilateral. I've had no regrets.
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Sensitive, that's such a personal choice, especially with family history and comorbidities. . . . What it boils down to is what you can live with, at the end of treatment. When it's all said and done, what will leave you with the least anxiety and most positive body image?
Some questions: are you going to see a medical oncologist (MO), too, when your final pathology comes back? Will your surgeon do a sentinel-node biopsy? Was the biopsy PR+, or just weakly ER+? I'd be interested to know if an MO will treat your BC as triple-negative or ER+.
My own story: cancer--but not breast cancer--runs in my family, and was my absolute biggest fear. Then I got cancer. Originally, I was offered a lumpectomy and rads or a UMX; I opted for the UMX, largely because I wanted to avoid radiation, at which point a surprise tumor revealed itself (add 'multifocal' to my path report). I sailed through the UMX with no problems and went on to do chemo (an absolute given with the pathology that I had), which gave me some time to do some soul-searching. That's when I decided to do the contralateral MX. I had that done about six months after the first MX, mostly because being asymmetrical was causing problems, both physical and psychological.
I ended up doing rads, which is kind of a long story; I'll take my tamoxifen for ten years; I'll do everything I can to keep this sucker from ever recurring.
Edited to add: ditto what ksusan says: I have no regrets about the flatness.
All of that said, everyone's BC is different, and everyone's situation is different. It's worth it to get a second opinion on EVERYTHING, unless you absolutely love your surgeon.
We're here for you if you have other questions. In the meantime, know that you've got this. Things will feel a whole lot better once a treatment plan is in place.
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Jackbirdie, that was a beautiful post. Thank you. Wish there were more people in the world like you. I hope things go well for you.
Sensitivehrt - I had a similar diagnosis but larger tumor. I think breast size and your comfort level makes the difference. I didn't have large breasts and opted for a mastectomy. Fortunately, no positive nodes so I was able to avoid radiation. The only part of the decision I regretted was not having bilateral. 2 years later I had the other breast removed. I felt somewhat unbalanced and hated wearing a prosthesis to work. Always hated a bra anyway so it just added to the discomfort. After the second mastectomy, I've gone flat, even to work, and never regretted it. Good luck and hope things go well for you.
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sensitivehrt, I had multifocal deep tumors so I felt mastectomy was right for me. I also opted to remove the noncancerous breast because I felt like I would always be waiting for CA to show up there. I struggled with reconstruction. And needed to make the decision quickly. It's hard to think of yourself as a double d most of your life and suddenly be flat. So I thought at the time putting in expanders in would be the easiest thing to do and if I changed my mind I could just remove them. I told the PS I had no desire to be a double d again but maybe a small c or b. Well I wake from surgery to find that he had put 300cc saline in each! I was already a small b and the PS was excited about it! The expanders are rigid and move around, they hurt. A few weeks after surgery I asked him to remove half the saline. It helped a lot, but they are still uncomfortable. So now I'm waiting to finish chem in July before I can go flat which I'm 99.9% sure I want to do. I can't stand the feel of my pecs over my boobs.
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Hi Preacherswife et al: It sure does feel like we are here alone and the fear others mentioned of being shunned or having to meld in silently with hetero couples as they talk about their DH's feels too closeted. I'm so glad this forum has restarted. I do not have a partner and due to geographic circumstances am in a very hetero community and feel quite isolated, so am so pleased to feel connected to the lesbian community on this site. Let's keep it going.
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Sounds good to me magiclight!
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Count me in...I'll be checking in here as I make decisions, have questions and continue on my journey. Things are starting to move along. Two appointments this next week, and will be making my decision.
Hope you all are having a good weekend.
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Hi Sensitivehr: I was diagnosed just about a year ago and believe I made decisions rather quickly so it is good to hear that you are gathering opinions from professionals as well as reviewing all the information on this site from others who have been down that road.
At this moment I am having a good weekend tending a garden I started last year in the time between my first in-office biopsy when I first heard the term probably cancer and my mastectomy surgery in late April. Keeping busy helped me deal with the stress of those weeks and I hope you find some ways to do the same between doctor appointments.
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