I know I cant be the only lesbian out here?
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Here I am, a lifelong lesbian joining the breast cancer club! <waving wildly>
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Hi mkinoly, sorry for your recent diagnosis, the early weeks are such emotional hell for most of us! Hope you have good support from family and/or friends, feel free to reach out here with any questions or just to vent to folks who understand what you are going through!
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It definitely made me give a sigh of relief! My state didn't recognize my marriage and with me having cancer it was extra scary that my husbutch would get screwed financially on top of dealing with the grief if/when I die. Now at least the financial part will be better if that does happen.
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Hey. I haven't been around here in a while. We had a lot going on and I just could not find time for myself to sit quietly, read and reflect on anything here or on my other sites. My partner and I bought a house just weeks after my 1 year cancerversary diagnoses date. We had a blast fixing it up and moving in. While unpacking and sorting, her mom gets sick , is rushed to hospital where she would last some 3-4 weeks til it was time for hospice. She was only in hospice 4 days.... now the daunting task of packing and sort her home has consumed our lives. I fight daily with lymphedema pain and swelling in now both arms. We don't have anyone to help us, for she is an only child and her other family members have since left with little to no communication.
Her mother was a hoarder.... like what you see on TV. She had pathways and belongings stacked everywhere. Although her house is only 1000-1200 sq feet, she was able to squeeze in 80 years worth of furniture, clothes and keepsakes. She never throw anything away. It's a antiques deals wet dream.... for us it's a nightmare. We have to drive 2 hours to get here so it's not like "across town." She has 1 window a/c unit for the entire place. (It is an old shotgun bungalow style house built in the early 50s.) The worst part is that my partner will not allow anyone in our home to help. Yes we could have some friends, estate people or buyers come in but Mel won't have it. Her mother was a very private, semi reclusive lady. She loved her belongings and cared for them well. We have had to throw very little away so far. I know it is too soon to do all this but we can not to afford to keep 2 households going with my medical bills and our new home repairs. This is just too much to take in at times.
The worst part is that our relationship is hurting now. We had our problems (no ones relationship is perfect I know) but all of this has magnified everything 1000X. I thought I wanted to marry her and start a family but how can I when she is constantly on me? ex: I found an old friend that finally got on Facebook. I messaged HIM to find out how things were and ask why he left town with promises to keep in touch but never did. This guy was like a brother to me. We were close and hung out alot. I loved him as a person, nothing more. Mel has a jealousy problem but it has never been about guys. She flipped when I told her about finding him. "why? Why don't you just go down to Florida and be with him? Why don't you just go get pregnat with him?" Thats what i got.... I just could not believe what she said. It came out of no where. Yes she knows I want have a baby and I am on a time clock. Yes she is really freaked about having kids. But we have talked so many times about finding a donor, not a friend. Yes I know we can adopt but it has always been a dream to have one naturally.
She got really protective of me after dx and surgery. It seemed to be getting better... I never thought she would have feelings like that. There are other issues which I won't bore ya'll with... I just needed to vent. I love her and would not have spent the last 13 yrs with her if I didn't. She is such a wonderful person...I am just so tired of being tired.....
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meremere: this is the place to vent and in doing so I hope it brings with it some relief - you don't need anything else on your chest at this time -- Hope your reconstruction was free of side effects. You have had more than your share to deal with in the 2 years since your diagnosis. A cancer diagnosis, mastectomies and reconstruction is a lot to take on in the best of circumstances but adding the additional family trauma's could, as I see it, put you way into overload and as you say just tired of being tired. Any chance you can take a little breather just for yourself so that you can sort out emotional/personal concerns while your partner does the house sorting. So sorry you have to go through so much at this time..
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Hi all,
I'm just checking in to say hi, I'm here.
My partner (11 years this fall!) and I feel a little lost. We wonder if there are any books or resources specifically about how our sexuality is affected by BC; I've been more affected than I thought I'd be by the mastectomy, the upcoming chemo, the knowledge that they're shutting my ovaries down at 36. I've looked at a couple of books, but they're all oriented to heterosexual women. . . .
Help?
xo -kate
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Kate, I'd be interested to know if there are any books also. My partner (of 3 yrs) and I broke up 2 yrs after surgery because of how much my sex drive changed/depleted. Good luck! Keep the communication open!
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Kateb79 and Keonghi: Although I do not know of any books on sexuality of lesbians post mastectomy, I do know of this article - address below - that is a little academic, however, it has extensive references to many full text articles. Maybe piecing all that information together you might find some helpful information. Dealing with the stresses post mastectomy, awaiting chemo, ovary shutdown are all just too much for anyone to deal with at such a young age. Cancer sucks and takes with it more than our breasts. If I find any other potentially useful information will share it with you. Living solo - not due to CA - so can provide neither sage advice or a common story.
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Interesting article--thanks!
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Really interesting article. Thanks!
-kate
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Hi gals,
Just wanted to be included too as I'm gay too : )
Grateful this forum is here!
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Welcome! Will try to do a better one later. Detest typing on the phone!
JJ
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Welcome, radgal!
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Hi Kate!
How are you managing on chemo?
I will know this coming Tuesday what my Oncotype DX score is, whether I'll need chemo and adjuvant meds I'll be prescribed.
Hope you're well. Thank you so much for your welcoming welcome!
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I'm managing okay. As I've been saying: I wouldn't have ordered it off of a menu, but it's edible!
Any news about chemo? Let me know if I can help in any way.
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Hi all. I had forgotten to mark this as a favorite topic so didn't see someone had responded to me and that others had posted!
I'm sad to see some have relationship troubles after diagnosis and treatment. It's all incredible stressful and scary, just all the unknowns and things you never thought you'd have to deal with. It's heartbreaking to find the one you thought would be there can't handle it. So I have lots of hugs for those of you who have had extra relationship burdens to deal with.
I feel very fortunate in some ways. When I met my now wife, she was 2 years post stage 2 lung cancer and had been through surgery and chemo. I dove into our relationship knowing she could have a recurrence, but I knew I could handle anything that came our way and make it through. We were married mid-May this year and I was diagnosed July 2. So unexpected. Talk about a roller coaster--I was on such a high from our wedding and thinking about our life together, then boom! rock bottom. And she has been wonderful and amazing. Since she's been through it herself, she understands the pain and fatigue from surgeries and stress (I'm not doing chemo). I had my ovaries removed to get rid of the estrogen but so far I don't think it has affected my sex drive, though it had already been going downhill the past few years (I'm 49 now). I'm definitely afraid one or both of us will have a recurrence/metastasis, but we're moving forward like we're invincible.
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mkinoly, "moving forward like we're invincible" is wise. I feel that very strongly; that's what my wife and I are trying to do now!
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Kate, that's great! We can't spend the rest of our lives worrying and being scared so much that our lives are consumed. We get one life and damnit, it's going to be lived!
And wow, our signatures are similar--diagnosed same day, same type, same side, same stage...
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I didn't even notice the similarities in our signatures. . . . It's uncanny! Are you doing chemo?
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No, I'm not doing any adjuvant therapies, much to the dismay of my oncologist.
You had no positive nodes and they still have you doing chemo? I hope it's going ok for you.
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Because of my age (36), multifocal tumors, triple-positive status, and the high nuclear grade of the tumors, I'm throwing everything at it that I possibly can. It wasn't an easy decision, but now that I'm almost done with chemo (last round is the day before Thanksgiving!), I'm glad I did it. I'll be on Herceptin for a year, but the hard-core stuff is almost over. Thank everything holy!
Next step is a radiation consult, but I'm pretty sure I'll decline radiation unless they present an incredibly convincing argument (with impressive statistics) . My surgeon got clean margins, I didn't have any cancery nodes, and I'm not especially interested in radiating myself any further. After that, it'll be another MX and revision surgery to clean up the extra skin on the left, since I've decided to forego reconstruction. It's just too much, and I'm not so attached to the idea of breasts that I want fake ones (I say this with absolutely no judgment against anyone who gets recon).
How'd they respond when you declined adjuvant treatment? I can't even imagine the look on your MO's face!
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I can see why you've chosen your path of treatment--you are a youngin' indeed! Hopefully they won't be too excited about radiation since you have no nodes and you're doing chemo. Glad to hear treatment hasn't been too bad on you and that chemo is almost done. Maybe you can have nice, peaceful holidays without lots of appointments for awhile.
I'm not doing reconstruction either. More surgeries and pain for possible bad results is not enticing to me, plus I'm not that attached to them (though I totally understand why many women do choose reconstruction). I'm getting used to being a uniboober. Though my recent nuclear bone scan showed uptake in my right breast soft tissue. I'm having a CT with contrast today and we'll see if there's anything to see. Even without adjuvant treatment, the whole process and focus on cancer seems never ending...
My MO doesn't seem to know what to do with me. She's nice but she's crossed the disrespect line more than once because she refuses to accept my answers. She keeps rephrasing things and coming back around to it, trying to convince me to do something I've told her repeatedly from the beginning I won't do and why. Trying to scare me with statistics and anecdotes about other patients. I'm not an idiot who has no idea what she's doing, just refusing things to be contrary for no reason. I'm thisclose to firing her, but I figure all MO's will be the same. They push what they know and the cynical part of me figures they don't get paid if I don't do their recommendations.
Hey, another similarity--I had multifocal tumors as well. On mammo and ultrasound they saw 1 tumor. On MRI they saw 1 tumor and possibly an enlarged mammary lymph node. After Mx turned out to be 2 separate tumors. We count on these images for so much and yet they can be so misleading, it's scary.
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Well, they're not used to people with questions. I show up at every appointment with a single-spaced page of questions; my MO likes it (I can tell), but she's also at an academic cancer center, trying to teach fellows how to behave with upstarts like me. My new questions are all about Tamoxifen and ovarian suppression. I say throw everything and the kitchen sink at it, but I still want to know why we're doing what we're doing and exactly how it works. One thing I respect about my doc is that she tells me when she doesn't know; her honesty is refreshing.
Ultimately, they work for us. Full stop.
The whole imaging-being-scary thing is another big motivator for my second MX. I'm bummed that I'll probably have to wait until May to do it for work reasons--I'd do it now if my blood counts were high enough--but, yeah. They didn't even see my second tumor; it was a surprise for my surgeon. Nothing like a surprise tumor, is there? I was surprised enough by the first one!
It is a process, and it doesn't seem like it ends, though I'm hopeful that it will back the hell off a little bit one of these days. I miss my old identity. I know things will never be the same (for good and for bad, if I'm being honest), but it would be nice to get through a 24-hour period without thinking about cancer.
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So you're planning on a prophylactic MX? I think about that but don't have any plans right now. It goes back to the whole "can you trust the images and interpretations" thing because there are things in my right breast that have been dismissed as nothing, but is it really? sigh...
I think it's great that you go to your appointments with questions. Even if you agree with the treatment it's good to know the how and the why. I research things to death and want all my test results and records immediately. Not everyone is fond of giving you your test results before you've seen your doctor, but we have the right to get them, so I do. Already have the radiology report from my CT scan yesterday! I find that I don't trust any medical folks enough to believe they're telling me everything and I don't think it's up to them to choose what I do and do not know.
You had your MX about 1.5 months before me--how has it healed up? I have a sore, swollen area on the side under my armpit along the incision. I guess it's a seroma. BS said it was fine and normal last time I saw him but it feels like it will never get better. I can't lay on my left side and just my arm moving against it is sore. Plus the area in front by the shoulder is pretty swollen and sore. Lots of areas feel tight. Maybe I'm just impatient with my healing.
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mkinoly,
Just a personal anecdote about MOs. When I was diagnosed in 2009 I started seeing the MO after surgery. I think he is bright, up to date, and knows what he is doing.He was even o.k. with my partner and I coming to my appointments together. But, I didn't really like the guy. I always felt like he was a little condescending when I asked questions and I didn't get good detailed answers. My partner was diagnosed with DCIS in 2012 and was told she had to have a mastectomy, only option. She opted to go to a different MO who understood her refusal and suggested Tamoxifen. 2 years later, she had no evidence of disease. When I had my recurrence this year, I switched to her MO. A little awkward because he is in the same practice but the nurse told me it happens all the time. I love this guy. He understands what I want, discusses and answers questions, and respects my wishes about treatment decisions.
The moral of this long story
is - they definitely are not all the same. You have every right to change to some one that you are more comfortable with.0 -
I wanted to say hello to everyone. I have been with my wife for almost 20 years. We have two children. A boy age 9 and a 13 yo girl.
I am having a BMX next Friday (1/29). We are supposed to go on a cruise in April with our children and my in-laws to celebrate our 20th and my in-laws 50th anniversaries. Depending on my pathology from surgery we may be postponing.
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Welcome, Melgirl, and good luck in surgery next week. Congrats, too, on your anniversary! Even if you have to (or choose to) postpone the cruise, twenty years deserves celebration.
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Thx KateB79. Hopefully we will have lots to celebrate.
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My partner of 20 years was diagnosed with Stage 1 bc last week. Her lumpectomy and node removal is schedule for Monday 2/1. The thing is I don't know how to talk to her about this. I feel like if I tell her how I feel like I can't breathe when I think of her with cancer then it will make her think that I don't believe she can survive this. I know and understand that her bc was caught early. It is not an aggressive cancer but it is CANCER. We are both in our 50s and we have been talking lately about where we are going to retire and everything we will get to do together once we do get to retire. She won't tell her family until after the surgery.... and it really doesn't help to talk to friends because God help me - I'm not sure I would have been able to relate to someone's needs prior to this happening to us.
I want to still be able to make her laugh without her thinking I don't care or am not taking this seriously. I feel like we are disconnected. She has never been a talker and is furiously independent. When she talks about NOT being able to do something because she is planning on radiation, etc.. I feel like she is giving in to this too much or too quickly. I know I am rambling but I just have so many emotions running through me right now.
When it became legal to marry, I asked her but she is really old school and has a million reasons for putting it off, now I don't want to push her because I don't want her to do it because she has cancer and at the same time I think it is even more important for us to "tie the knot"
Well thanks for letting me vent. My prayers and good thoughts go out to all of you suffering from this horrible disease. xoxo
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Bobkate, so sorry about your partner's diagnosis. It's great that it's Stage 1, but as you say its CANCER, which is very scary and brings up all kinds of feelings for the person who has it, her loved ones, and everyone else. You might want to look at some of the threads that pertain to your partner's diagnosis and treatment. People share experiences and ask questions -- it can be very reassuring. Typically, most of the posters are women with BC, but I've seen husbands, daughters, and sisters post to get info and support for their loved ones and for themselves, too. Again, so sorry that both of you are going through this.
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