I know I cant be the only lesbian out here?
but it sure doesn't seem like there's many of us.
Where are we all?
Hopefully not in the closet.
Wait, is that where everyone is, does this mean I gotta go back in?
Hugs to all
Cancer sucks!
Comments
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I'm here...still have to write you back! Sorry it's taking me so long! Life is nuts at the moment - I just told my landlord I'm moving out and he freaked, and I'm quitting my job as soon as I can get the resignation letter written, and I just had to plunk down a month's salary for car repairs yesterday, and AAAHHHHH, it's just everything at once!!!
But I'm here! And I, too, wish this forum was more active! It's not like there's some other website where all the lesbians with BC hang out, is there?? I will do some more Googling and let you know if I come up with anything. Because this really is ridiculous, isn't it.Hugs to you!
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I'm here...But life is nuts at the moment - I just told my landlord I'm moving out and he freaked, and I'm quitting my job as soon as I can get the resignation letter written, and I just had to plunk down a month's salary for car repairs yesterday, and AAAHHHHH, it's just everything at once!!!
But I'm here! And I, too, wish this forum was more active! It's not like there's some other website where all the lesbians with BC hang out, is there?? I will do some more Googling and let you know if I come up with anything. Because this really is ridiculous, isn't it.0 -
NNOOOO! Don't go back in there! LOL
There are quite a few of us here, really
It's just that alot of ladies may be posting in other forums according to their type of cancer or treatments. I pop in and out but with work and same thing as Raili, life just gets busy and it gets harder to get back to post. Glad to meet you and hope you continue to come back 0 -
RALLI!!!!! My dear girl, Whoa! Don't forget to breath. O.k, we'll talk later then.
Dee I sent you a PM, Hi, hi, hi, (if I had a tail it would be wagging) So, excited, two people, two humans, two fellow queers praise the Goddess above!!
I made contact
Okay, time for a long walk, I hope you both are enjoying the weekend!!! CS
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Thanks, CS, I'm trying my best to breathe!! At least it's a gorgeous, sunny day outside right now! Took the dog for a 45 min walk, and would have gone even longer if she wasn't tired.
Dee, I know what you mean - there are so many other forums to post in, related to one's type of cancer, treatment, age, etc. So I guess the question for us here is: in what ways is your sexual orientation relevant to your breast cancer journey? In what ways is being diagnosed with/treated for breast cancer different for you, as a lesbian, than it is for straight women?
I don't have a girlfriend/partner, so I can't comment on hospitals being welcoming of my partner vs. being homophobic, but there ARE ways in which my lesbianism affects my breast cancer journey:
- Some BC books assume the reader is a straight, married woman with kids, and I'm a young, single, childless lesbian.
- I've never been romantically involved with a man, and thus had NEVER had ANY man touch my breasts, until the day of my biopsy. That's been really difficult for me, because I planned to never ever have a man touch the personal parts of my body, and now I've lost control of that. Being touched by men is emotionally traumatic for me.
- Another BC message board I go to had a long, graphic thread about whether or not "boob sex" is possible with reconstructed breasts, and I didn't even know what that WAS, and now I know more about it than I wish I did. I don't want to be reading about hetero sex and can't relate to threads like this.
There's more but I have to run!
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Boob sex? I'm afraid to ask but yet disturbingly curious....LOL
Gotta run but wanted to say hello and hope to talk to you ladies again soon!
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there's lots of us. I hang out occasionally at the Arimidex site and post there. Always trying to get some ideas of how to deal with the side effects. Not disabling but very persistent and annoying and when I'm having a bunch of them together, that's really hard. I have another 2.5 years on it. in
My partner, wife, best friend in the world and I have been together for almost 30 years and she is so patient with my whining. We take good care of each other.
I try to find all the positive gains from having been diagnosed with BC and going through the surgery, intense chemo, weird radiation and how funny I look all flat chested and all. I know I have more determination, and more courage, and more clarity in my daily life. I started a very intense clerical type job at the local welfare office and I have to be productive every single minute so I have the stamina for it but it's not easy to adapt after having had my own business (which although no longer mine) did allow me to take lunch without asking if I could.
well lavender ladies, stay strong and I'll come back and visit.
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I'm finally chiming in! This forum isn't very active so I tend to forget to look over here, but occasionally remember to come back over. When I first joined this site, I wondered the same thing and was afraid I was the only one! I get along fine with the discussions and just step out of any that make me feel uncomfortable. So far, the only ones that have met that criteria are those with posts being mean to others on the site. I don't enjoy that at all.
Luckily, my partner and I have experienced wonderful support from everyone on my medical team :>
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Cancer you are not alone...but if you were to go back in that closet things could change! I don't frequent many threads anymore, too much drama to get drawn into; having to take sides, check your attitude at the door until the dust settles - it got exhausting. So, now I stick to friendly threads, threads wishing friends well and newbie questions. I wish there was less conflict, there was a news story about a year ago maybe where one lesbo from here was getting hate Messages and harrassment just because she was gay. If its not safe to be out here where the heck can we be out?
Casa - thirty years? Jiminy Crickets...that's a long time! My girl and I have been together almost 9 and I thought that was good
Raili...those are very good points about how your journey is different. I never thought about it that way...probably because I was married before so its not as foreign to me (I'm talking about man hands touching me here, not the boob sex!) LOL. But I guess that applies too cuz I don't want to read about that either!
U and dee aren't missing anything and that's all I'm going to say about that!
Anyway...I'm glad you sparked the question. I'm so used to being surrounded by straight people I forgot how nice it is to connect with other queers/lesbians/whatever you want to call us
Chat with you all again...tata!0 -
Wow, it was so nice to wake up this morning and come here and find all these posts!
I'm sitting here drinking my yummy coffee and waiting for the temp to get above 35 before taking the dog for a walk, and this is a great way to start the day. Thanks, CS, for starting this thread, and thanks, Dee, Happy, Chain, Casa, and Navy for being here! I know we have lots of other forums to post in that are more 'relevant' at times, but I do feel it's important for us to have our own space sometimes, too.Dee, you can Google "boob sex" if you want; I'm assuming that will provide info... I'm not going to talk about it, though! Ha! Ewwww!
Casa, congrats on being together for 30 years, wow! That is inspiring. And I'm glad you're experiencing more clarity, courage, and determination now. I can relate in a way. It really bugs me when people say junk like "cancer is a gift," because really cancer's awful, but there HAVE been positive changes I have noticed in myself - I prioritize better now, and am learning to better advocate for myself and eliminate whatever stress in my life I can. And ironically, I'm more open about being a lesbian than I used to be - I've been blogging about my BC journey, and not censoring nearly as many of my thoughts as I previously would have, considering it's a public blog. Now lots of acquaintances know I'm a lesbian just from reading my blog, and I've been pleasantly surprised to discover it's not that big a deal to most people, and some people are even more supportive than I thought they would be.
Happy, your story is absolutely beautiful. I'm SO glad you and your partner have each other, and that all the doctors and hospital staff have been so supportive and respectful! So heartwarming to hear. Chain, glad to hear you've had support and respect from your team as well! I don't have a partner, but nonetheless, my surgeon knows I'm a lesbian and is cool with it... she lets me wear my rainbow-striped toe socks into the OR (actually, she loves them and jokingly gets sad if I show up without them!!), plays Indigo Girls music all throughout surgery, and is amused by my stories of the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. When she forgets the name, she refers to it as "Your naked friends in the woods."
And I explained to her how uncomfortable I am having men touch my breasts, and that I don't want any male doctors/residents assisting with my surgeries...she respects that, and even takes it a step further and tries to get female anesthesiologists for me whenever possible. (Ack, I'm talking like surgery is a regular occurence for me! I had a lumpectomy and 2 reexcisions, but now I'm DONE!) Navy, that's awful that someone was getting homophobic messages here a while ago! I'm glad we seem to have a safe, supportive, friendly place here now...
Oh, I thought of another way in which my lesbianism is relevant to my BC journey - I signed up for a clinical trial that will cover the cost of my Oncotype dx test, but my tumor got sent off a week later than I had anticipated because the oncologist's office called me and told me I'd have to have a pregancy test first!!! It was super annoying to have to drive 60 mins RT to pee in a cup to prove that I'm not pregnant - because being a lesbian who was currently menstruating at the time wasn't proof enough!! Arggghhh. (I know it's just procedure/rules...but I wish lesbians could be exempt.)
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Hi! I'm actually NOT a lesbian but just wanted to chime in. Three of my VERY good friends are lesbians, as is my mother, so I'm pretty comfortable in here with you guys!
I have a nice story to share. Last month when I was at the hospital (GBMC in Baltimore) in the waiting room to see the surgeon, a woman around 60 came out of the back office areas and was so happy she was crying. Her partner was waiting for her in the waiting room. Anyway, this woman was celebrating 5 years of being cancer-free, and she was SOO grateful to GBMC because her partner is an employee there, and their health plan recognizes domestic partners. So this woman had lost her job and health insurance years back, and had not had a yearly mammo for a few years because of that, so when she was able to get on her partner's health plan, she went back to getting yearlys and that how they found her cancer and were able to treat it. It just made me feel so good to see how happy and grateful the woman was.
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Wow, what a great story, horse! Thanks for that!!
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I'm here too! My partner and I have been together 15 years and have a beautiful adopted 10 year old daughter. We are in NYC and most of my experience in treatment has been extremely welcoming.
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Good Morning to All!!!
I'm so glad I started this thread but I must say Dee1961 has been out and about, so I had hope when I saw her. Thank you Dee1961 you gave me hope that there were indeed other queer women going through this that have the courage to post while being no where near the closet.
Ralli I know wht you mean, have never been with a dude. I have had plenty of opportunities ....wait..that's not a good word. I could have many times but so not interested. In 1978 Lindsey Wagner cast a spell on me(The Bionic Woman) and I knew. I am at being treated at a HUGE training hospital and my surgeon (who I adored of course) was female and bella, smart, intelligent, had a dude come in and he was getting all geared up to touch my breast, oh, no, no, no. I told her I did not feel comfortable with him in the room (I smiled at him and said no offense) She respected my wishes and the rest is history. I have no partnereither so I can also relate on that front, where did you end up moving to? Boob sex?! Why did my mind give me a disturbing visual on that (((((((chills)))))))
Casaredonda: 30 years!!!!!!! Oh my Dear! That is so incredible! I think before BC I was a serial dater but very faithful. My longet relationship was ((GULP)) 6 years and I was so in love and I thought 6 years was simply amazing, what's the secret? Also could I ask what SE's you are dealing with on Arimidex? I was thinking of getting a full hysterectomy & doing Arimidex because after doing research (ALOT) on Tamoxifen it scares the bejeases out of me! Also what are they talking about giing you after Arimdex? I like Lavender much better than pink
The lavender ladies I'd be down with that. Happytobehere You are very lucky to have a partner like that. Welcome to the board. It's so nice to have some place to talk, check in, like Ralli mentioned I don't have a dear husband and sometimes can't relate with the children issues and PTA issues, so this is support is so welcome and needed.
Chainsaw Thanks for chiming in and saying hello, so glad to hear you have a supportive partner. I think after my diagnoses I needed to be alone (I know it sounds strange) but all though I strongly feel that cancer is no gift. I have changed so many things. I've learned to be, dare I say it selfish. I was such a pleaser before, but this journey has been all about reevaluating life and not sweating the small stuff? Can I ask you though, have people treated you differently? Friends, family? I'm getting that a lot now? Like my cancer is catchy? I try to avoid the insenstive comments but there hard to dodge? Does this happen to you, can I ask how you deal with it?
Navygirl 9 years,that is awesome. I'm glad you said hello on the thread, I think it's so important that were seen out hear. I hope other queer women who need support find this thread. I have been having such a hard time looking for support (spreading magical fairy dust over the thread) I'm in a pretty diverse town, but I keep looking,I think this thread is a good start.
I hope everybody is enjoying there Sunday and TCOB! I hope I didn't forget anyone, big warm gentle hugs to everyone!
CS
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Christine2000: Welcome!!!! I think the medical community has become more accepting to the gay community but mainly because of our brothers and sisters who put up with all the animosity in the past and said "Oh, hell no!" How is the weather in NYC? 15 years ((((Sigh)))) My longest was 6 and I thought that was a big deal! Thanks for saying Hi and introducing yourself, I hope you stick around, I think this thread has great potential, so now I'm going to start to sing while I bump this thread into the spotlight, once again (I warn you I sing off key, but I'm going to blame my bostonian accent)
(ahem) ~~~All I am saying, is give this thread a chance~~~" We are the lavender ladies, dont' mess with us!
Enjoy the day ladies! Dee1961: I sent you a Pm and thank you for the message, look @ the little thread that could
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I'm back after many months......it's nice to see some activity here!!
I've been lurking around these boards since just after dx, but spending most of my time on the HER2 positive threads, learning info specific to my dx and the many side effects I have and still am experiencing, and helping some of the newbies that come along. I agree with Chainsawz and Navygirl in that I don't like the meanness and drama that can occur on these boards, so I basically keep to myself.
I've been with my partner almost 12yrs, and between her and my parents, (and my 2 nurse kitties
), they have all been my rocks through this 1yr and 2mths of turmoil. For all those who are fairly new to this journey, sorry you have to be here but we can all help each other get through this.......smiles and giggles go a long way to help through treatment and recovery. Maybe some of us "older-timers" can even shed some light on any areas of question or concern.
Hugs to you all......it's great to be back!!
Sandy
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YAY, even more lesbians coming out of the woodwork!
Christine, congrats on 15 years together! So glad hospital staff has been welcoming to you and your family!CS, I laughed when you wrote "plenty of opportunities...wait, that's not the right word." HA! I know what you mean! I've had plenty of "opportunities" to be with a guy, but ZERO interest. My problem is that despite being 31 and gay, I look like a college student and straight...and I am a City employee in a college town... I am SICK of getting hit on by frat boys, ugh! I feel like wearing a big sign, "Boys, I am THIRTY ONE and a LESBIAN and have CANCER, so go away!!" There was this one time recently when I was sitting in a cafe, drinking a latte and reading Audre Lorde's "The Cancer Journals," and this creepy dude who'd been leering at me around town for weeks came up and asked, "Whatcha reading?!" I wordlessly held up the book, and OH, the look on his face when he saw the photo of a black lesbian and the words "Cancer Journals." He scurried off and I haven't seen him since! (The Cancer Journals is an amazing book, if you all haven't read it - lesbian feminist poet Audre Lorde's journals about her BC journey in the late 70s and early 80s.)
Your surgeon sounds awesome, btw! What hospital do you go to? Maybe I will PM you about that...don't wanna post names of my hospital or medical team on a public msg board.
Sandy, I'm glad you're back here!!
Your family sounds wonderful. I agree that smiles and giggles help so much. I have great friends who keep me laughing, about so many things, even the cancer. And my surgeon makes me laugh so much she has me in stitches (HA, HA!). Seriously, she makes me laugh so much my blood pressure's always elevated when a nurse comes to take my vitals. And I am such a giggly dork post-anesthesia... aaahhh!! 0 -
Double posting because I keep forgetting to click "Add to My Favorite Topics" every time I post.
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WOW...look at all of us
Chainsaws...I had no idea! I've seen you on other threads but I guess I should have checked out our forum more.
I went to the Lesbian forum when I was first diagnosed and it was COLD...ICE COLD...I'm out on some of the other threads but have seen very few others. I've been very fortunate in that I have not had anyone be mean here or in real life as far as my being gay. My medical team never blinked. Of course, my wife is the one who always wants to ask if it's ok if she goes with me, and I always say the same thing; F-that, you belong with me so just act like it and let them have the balls to try and separate us. We've never once had anyone question us. Knock on wood we never will either
I'm thrilled to see so many joining us, I'd love to take notes and comment on all the stories but ladies, I am exhausted today so...I'll have to save that for next time. I just had to say "Welcome" to everyone and Thank you all for joining in. It was a great surprise to see all the posts.
Have a good night ladies...
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It is awesome to see others posting here...yay!!
cancersucks - I have stage IV cancer with brain mets, so many people are supportive but some can't even make eye contact. I am quite alive and plan to be that way for many, many years.....but I think they are afraid to connect with me because they see me as dying - not living. Ding dongs!! I am as open with my diagnosis and details as I am about being a lesbian, and I have never had a person in my life that had a problem with my sexuality - at least to my face...LOL!! But they do have a problem with my dx.....some have been very upfront about not wanting to talk to me or see me because of my dx - some just disappear. I don't really care, because I don't need those people around me anyway...I just shake it off and move on because I still have tons of friends and family...and a great partner of almost 12 years :> I hang out with a large group of friends, which includes many gay men....they all hold my hand and fix my hair..LOL!!!
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Yes, this thread is very lively. I'm planning to do my 5 years of Arimidex and stop. going through menopause x 100 is very annoying. BC brought my soul partner closet to each other than ever even though we thought we couldn't love each other more. She has custody of our brain !!!! We've passed all the hallmarks that usually strain a relationship: graduate school, buying a home, selling a home, building a home and so forth. We've been in our off the grid round house in a rural area in Northern California for the last 15 years.
My surgeon was a woman who was practicing in our county for a while and who was a participant in our hand fasting ceremony we had when I changed my last name to my partner's name. That was before we knew that we would be able to get married. So she was very comfortable with us and she was around just long enough to perform surgery, insert the porta-cath and then remove it. Then she left. The universe is always taking care of us. Our community can be very conservative but my sweetie and I are always well accepted.
Nice meeting all of you...stay strong
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Casaredonda, the love that has endured between you both is pretty amazing. You are both very lucky to have each other. I'm sorry that any of us have to go through this. It seems like they rush us through all of this treatment and then seem annoyed when we ask questions or we question if the "one glove fits all approach" is best? What happens when you do questions the conservative treatment? When you choose not to take Tamoxifen or Arimidex, most women wouldn't, they would be to scared and the medical community knows this. I was hoping that Arimidex would be a better solution than Tamoxifen but it seems like your are going through some very nasty stuff too. May I ask if it was surgically induced menapause? Hope that is not to personal....if so no need to answer. Nice meeting you too. I'm down for comparing notes with anyone and helping anyone I can. I'm doing more bumping, bump, bump, everybody do da bump!0
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not too personal....I've had my ovaries removed for non cancer reasons so I was in the menopause when I was diagnosed. Arimidex is recommended by several long term studies and not all the people have side effects. Mine come and go so I'm extra whiny when they are all present. I'm feeling lots better today, no headache and some bone aches but nothing that requires any pain stuff.
the mrs and I did some exercises while watching this cool walking at home DVD we found at Wal-Mart (the only store in our community) and we put in a good 15 this a.m. So I feel well enough for that and then 8 stressful hours at the welfare office. All is well.
I'm thinking about getting off the Arimidex and living my life in any way that it presents. I feel completely cancer free and plan to remain so. I still go to the relay for life event locally cause I get a cool T Shirt. but I think continuing on treatments that I'm not convinced about, keeps me thinking about cancer. my mrs will support any decision I make. I'm feeling ready to move on and just live my life. So the hair on my head is getting thinner and the hair on my chin is getting thicker but I'm also at the age when those things happen. I still like rock and roll, eating exotic foods and spending time with the love of my life, so that's good enough
I'll be back to say HI - rock on sisters
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Hey Raili, So what happens when s college student (female) hits on you, or have you ever had a female professor hit on you? Are you out? I will let you borrow a shirt that a friend for me as a joke, it says, "I heart hot moms" but knowing guys thats' just going to make them want you more.
Chainsaws: look I can post, bad thing is I feel like I'm falling ahhh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz cs
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Women RARELY hit on me... I somehow do not give off gay vibes and look straight... Arrgghhh. That's a funny shirt!!
I joke about wanting one of those "SHH, nobody knows I'm a lesbian!" shirts!!0 -
Raili, LOL, Hmm.....I think I give off the "gay vibe" Some friends of mine that are straight asked how I come out to people, I told them, I walk in the room. I've been told I look like Rachal Maddow but I have light eyes and I'm not a Rhode Scholar sooooo...close though. If I wore a shirt that said "Noone knows I'm a lesbian." I would have random strangers waiting in line to tell me, Yes, we know!!!"0
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Ha Ha back in closet lol, good one
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In the movie the "Field of Dreams" Keven Costner was told if he builds the ball park, they will come..Hmm.......this gives my little brain an idea, what if I keep bumping this site and keep it active, whatcha think Chainsawz?
(trying to make no eye contact with the thread, while trying not to look so guilty)
((((b*u*m*p)))) <---shhh.......that wasn't me :^o
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Too Funny!!
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