Calling all TNs
Comments
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Lisa, your post couldn't have been more vivid. I think we expect more as a bc survivor, and our unsuspecting husbands either have to quickly adapt and interpret what we need or they are going to get ridiculed. It's almost not their fault that all of a sudden they are being expected to behave in a certain way. At the same time, we are now so grateful and joyful, that we want to explore more, do more, laugh more, live more and they are like "What? I am happy sitting on the couch and watching Neflix with you."
I can say, like you, I've also been married 26 years and my husband is also very loyal, faithful, dependable, and can be a bit subdued. I have always thought the opposites in us worked. We have had some moments of strain, and I realized I was trying to make him change all because I had to change. I had to realize one day that this was my diagnosis, not his - and that I could be a better spouse rather than finding fault with him. Your post was almost like reading into a few stressful days in our marriage.
Relationships are tricky. Sometimes husbands leave. Sometimes women figure out they want to live more and have a more exciting life. There are lots of things to figure out when those moments appear. But in the end, I feel it's my husband who does understand me the best (even if he can't always put his feelings into words or know exactly what I want him to say). But he does make me feel special in ways that only he can and nobody else. Like when I can come home from my workout, and he greets me at the door, before I even have a chance to unlock it, he grabs the stuff out of my hands. Or how when I wake up and he gets me a cup of hot tea. We can laugh at some inside jokes and we do like a lot of the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure if anyone can keep up with me now as well. For me, I realized it's nice to know that no matter what, he is in my corner. Sure, he may be only mildly concerned about the occasional freak out I have (he feels certain I'm going to be okay) but all in all, I think it's an adjustment in the family. Some families will grow stronger and some will not survive. I have always expected so much and then after the dx I expected more, until I realized that exaggerated expectations in a marriage can quickly disrupt things. You might also be adapting to new hormonal changes which can sometimes blow things out of perspectives. I never got my period back at age of 43 from treatment and I try to realize some emotions are likely brought on by these changes. Vitamin B-12 helps.
You hit the nail on the head, that they want to solve a problem in 2 easy steps. I think you are married to my husband. LOL
Maybe plan a short trip together or a nightfall concert out, or a date night, see if you 2 can reconnect. It's terrible to be at such a crossroads and uncertain time in your relationship. I'll be praying for a great outcome for you, and hope you find your happiness. You truly deserve it. If everything was fine before the bc, then perhaps you could work on a few things to help repair the relationship. Not work on (as in you are at fault), but I mean find something - one area - of the relationship you can try to improve, the both of you, rather than try to tackle the whole ball of wax at once. I also noticed you said you never let him forget that careless remark him made. You know, he said that early on. If you are still bringing up that remark to him, 1 year later, or however long it has been, then he doesn't really stand a chance - and neither does the relationship if we are keeping score. I'm sure he now feels very bad for what he said, and continuing to bring it up after so many times, not only is going to put distance between the two of you, but may inhibit him from being honest again. Also, harboring that pain and punishment towards him has got to be unhealthy for your own healing and sanity. It feels better to forgive than bring up old moments of poorly chosen words. It's a new year, perhaps you can go to dinner, talk things out and really get to the root of why you are hurt and see if you both can agree to start over and forgive. And then if no effort is made on his behalf, at least you tried to repair things, you took a sincere effort to try, and then you may be closer to knowing what you want and how to go about making it happen.
I have always believed that cancer does not really change the people around us. I think mainly it changes the person it happened to. I have read about this a lot and many women think that things will change, and they will be shown more how much they are appreciated, or the husband will then shower her more on special occasions (or just because), or be more loving, or get off work earlier for a better home/work balance, etc .... but usually people are prone to their ways and habits. And in many of the women I've talked to and things I've read and learned along the way, I don't believe cancer changes all the people around the patient, but mainly the patient. I think that's where the problems or root of problems start to develop. Survivors may expect others to change, but most people won't, and that could be because they don't feel they need to change or they don't see a problem. People have to change because they want to. People around the patient may change like in terms of helping more, buying better groceries, etc, but in terms of relationship style, habits, etc change is probably not likely as a result of a spouse's diagnosis.
I'll be thinking of you a lot now, and hope things work out the way you want them to.
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Thanks Lisa! I love having three Dobies. I'd get another but I don't want a divorce. Haha! I agree with what Inspired advice on reconnecting with your husband. Mine aggravates me like last night but I don't know what I'd do without him! Mine too has the idea of wanting to fix a problem with two steps! Seems to be a pattern with our male counterparts. As we in the South like to say "bless their heart"! Haha! You're in my prayers.
Thanks also Inspired for your very helpful advice. I know I need to cut hubby some slack. He mostly gets upset because I've had a hard time letting go of my C Diff worries plus cancer worries. I I had not gotten C Diff I'd be coping a bit better. I get nervous if I get sick because of my fear of antibiotics since that is how I got C Diff in the first place. Since I had it three times my chance of getting again have increased. Every time I get diarrhea the fear is there. I've always had a week stomach. It's a PTSD thing with the C Diff issue. I'm working on it though. I have an appointment with my GI doc this coming Tuesday so hopefully he will calm some of my fear with that. I still get angry because I go to the "if I never got cancer then I wouldn't have got C Diff thoughts"! Everything is just "off" since cancer, including hormonal imbalance from chemo like you mentioned, and it's frustrating! I know we all have to deal with these types of things though. Anyway, I had a talk with hubby and he said he didn't necessarily want me to get a job but to just find something I'm passionate about. I'm very passionate about my volunteer work. We do have a schedule there and meet on certain days of the week so there is order/structure. The place is on 30 acres so we always have plenty to do along with working with the dog's. It's time for me to start doing more with our own Dobies instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I may try to find another volunteer opportunity. There is also a yoga class I may check into at an offsite location that's part of UNC cancer support where I see my therapist every week. My therapist who works with cancer patients and survivors was recommended by my Onc and they work together so she gives him updates. I tell her all my fears. I keep a journal type thing and we work on rational responses to my worries. So my Onc is well aware of what is going on. I also am going to get out of the house every single day even if it's just to drive around for an hour. I do get outside with the dog's a lot, but getting away from home will do me some good. Thanks again to everyone for the support. You're all wonderful gems!! Love you gals!!!
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lvmydobies, I agree about taking a break from this site. I stayed away for about 3 months without posting and just peeked in every once in a while (I stayed away from topics that spoke about recurrences). The thought is very scary. Now that I'm back I think about it again. But I'm more focused on how well I'm doing and try to do my part by eating right (sometimes I slip up) and working out.
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Oh that journal, with rational responses to things is an excellent tool. Good for you - you are doing some very good things. You'll get there, I'm sure! In 6 months you will look back at your post and I think be amazed at how far things have improved for you.
As you mentioned, finding something you are passionate about is key. You are on the right track, and it sounds like you have all the resources in place, just a bit more time and you'll be there.
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Just popping in to say hello! Got my port out today after over three years! It was an office procedure. I'm a little sore, but I'm glad to have it out. I kept it in longer because I was told I had a 50% chance of recurrence due to my response to neoadjuvant chemo. Glad to be alive.
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congrats christina!!
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Woohoo! Way to kick off the New Year Christina and wonderful to hear you are healthy!!!;
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WooHoo Christina!!
Candi, I've thought about taking a break from the boards but I like checking on everyone by reading updates and stuff. I feel like we are all family here.Also, one thing I MUST do is eat better and exercise more. I've gone way overboard with sweets and carbs for several months due to "stress eating". I told my Onc and he just said well your weight is fine and BMI is perfect which is NOT what I need to here because when I eat a honey bun or something I justify it by thinking well I'm small. UGH! NOT GOOD! I got hooked on honey buns and pop tarts when I had C Diff. For whatever reason those were two things that did not upset my stomach and I could not afford to lose any weight. Plus my butt was so sore from so much diarrhea and wiping from C Diff. My Onc and ID doctor both told me to eat what I could tolerate, meaning stuff that wouldn't run right thru me. I don't eat them all the time but if I'm in a rush before an appointment or something I'll eat one on the run for breakfast. I was doing well about cutting back to one of those tiny cans of Cokes but I've slipped and now sometimes drink 1 and a half or two. This isn't an every day occurrence either but still... I've tried breakfast tea's and coffee but it's not the same. For whatever reason if I don't drink some Coke with breakfast I get a horrible headache. Anyway just another thing I need to work on. Thanks again for the encouragement Inspired! I don't know what we would do without you!
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Luv - I think you need to start retraining your mind that everything is not mets, I am sure your DH is a little exhausted of it. BUT I totally understand, I really do so I don't want to sound insensitive. Also, I took a hiatus from BCO for 3-4 months and it really helped me. The reason being is I was reading newly dx and it brought those fears right back. Then I'd read stage 4 threads and have paralyzing fear that would be me very soon. I was basically becoming a hypochondriac! Once I stopped coming here for a while I really did see a change with me compartmentalizing. A lot of people on this site do it. At 2 years out I really turned the corner and accepted that it happened, the treatment selected was based off the information at that time, I did everything I could do and I don't want to spend the amount of time I have left, if and when I recur, worrying about asshole cancer. It will continue to rob you of your life if you let it. My bones and body are still recovering from treatment - I am contributing some of this to lack of consistent exercise, crappy food I've been eating and carrying more weight than expected. I'm hoping making progress in these area's will directly help my body and bones. For 2015, take the BCO break, consider a job, continue with therapy, use the 2 wk consistent symptom rule and love your husband. He means well he does.
xo
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Thanks Jen. You didn't sound insensitive. I have become a hypochondriac! So, I'll try to focus more on the now and not the past or future so much. I think I will take a break from the forum. So thank you all for the replies. If anyone else responds, thank you in advance! I do ask you for prayers for strength and peace with this. I've put my faith on the back burner but I need to focus more on regaining it back. There's a song called "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey. There's a line that says His hand is holding me, even when I don't believe it, and last night I kept thinking of that. I'm not trying to preach but I am a Christian and there have been times when I've been angry with God. He can handle that but I have to quit questioning why. It happened but things happen to everyone. We are all equal! If you don't believe in prayer, that's ok, I will take some good thoughts from you that don't.
Love each and everyone of you!! XOXOXO!!!!!!
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Luvmyd= You can waste your time in life worrying about everything. You have no control over anything except what you eat and do for yourself. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring or even what the next 2 minutes will bring. Enjoy your life. Be thankful your cancer was found early and no lymph node involvement. You are LUCKY!!! Feel lucky. As for taking medication. I would not have your hubby dictate if you should or should not unless he is a psychiatrist. Ask your therapist. I took meds for several years for anxiety. Worked great for me. I took for about a year.
Best of luck to you. I hope eveything goes well.
Congrat Christina!!
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I can relate to a lot of the concerns voiced lately. I was 66 when diagnosed. Now just past 2 years. I still get the waiting for the other shoe to drop days. My worries come because I was unable to complete my chemotherapy regimen.
My DH is great 90% of the time. He is 11 years older than I am & retired for the second time at 79 1/2.
I had to take a break from the boards also. My mind was going like a runaway train on bad thoughts. I read now and then but don't post much. I try to stay busy. Still exercising four days a week, yoga. Eating better, avoiding sugar (very hard) meditating & exercising. When I start to go to bad thoughts - I get busy with an activity that needs attention.
No our DH's don't understand. God bless they try. I cut him some slack as it is a lot in my head not my body.
I just try to keep looking forward. 👍🙏😉
Bless us all,
Marsha
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Christina - Congrats on getting the port out and putting it behind you! Hope it is the last piece and you only move forward with a healthy New Year.
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Organic Turmeric Tea Update:
My order arrived with the box of organic tea. It is awesome. The past week while waiting on the shipment, I was sprinkling the turmeric into my hot green tea. The only problem is that after you stir it, it settles, and even though it turns the tea an orange color, much of it settled at the bottom, which in turn meant that the last gulp was a big pile of spice! This specially formulated turmeric tea has no settling, so I feel like I'm getting Turmeric in each sip, rather than a big whammy at the bottom! I'm thrilled with it and will continue to drink it. The taste is identical as well to the way I was making it. I will alternate this with the green tea during the day. This ought to keep my hubby and I very confused or entertained.
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great advice Jen
Sounds great Inspired
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More helpful information I hope.....seems being a TN isn't such bad news after all.
Food for Breast Cancer Newsletter January 2014 Dear subscriber: Breast cancer can remain dormant in non-breast tissues for decades before returning as stage IV disease. Perhaps surprisingly, the most aggressive forms of breast cancer (triple negative, inflammatory, HER2+) are less likely to recur than hormone receptor positive (ER+/PR+) disease after the first five years. The switch from a dormant to a proliferative state is not well understood. Now Princeton researchers have devised a computational model that appears to explain tumor dormancy. Their model assumes a natural contest between tumor promoting and tumor suppressing factors in the cancer cell or microtumor microenvironment. This competition results in a stalemate for a time in which the cancer either eventually wins or is eradicated. The model also predicts that if the number of actively dividing cells within the proliferative edge of a microtumor reaches a critical (but still relatively low) level, the dormant tumor has a high likelihood of resuming rapid growth. The implication is that cancer-promoting diet, lifestyle, and environmental exposures can play a role in triggering the switch that leads to metastasis and vice versa. 0 -
Thanks to all for sharing some great information!!! i swore I would not go into scare mode every ache and pain.... BUT, question--- any of you have a small bump under skin that is moveable? I have two on my right fore arm--- it looks like they are red on the skin: not sure
I will of course bring it to the attention of my onc but my next tx is not for two weeks. I showed my acupuncturist: he said since it is moveable he is not concerned?
thanks in advance: of course I have been googling and found fatty lump, etc
Kath
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Luvmy come check out our board. It's for Christian women with BC. You will find it to be pretty awesome just check it out.
Toby I would get it checked for sure. We can't take chances. Perhaps you could call someone to share about it and they would be able to tell you if it is something to get checked or wait two weeks.
I have popped on here a few times so just wanted to reach out to others with TNBC. I have the normal concerns with the unknown and I have to keep going. I am stage IV and on a study trial and things have been going well.
I am interested in doing things to improve what I can so turmeric tea is something to try, yes? Four months ago I increased my vit D to 4k. My onc said anything over that was not necessary. However I have read some take as much as 8k.
I too eliminate sugar but it is hard as I eat bread with sandwiches a couple times a month. I will have pasta once a month or so. I do have a cookie or bite of my DH candy. At the movies will have some candy but it is so hard.
Are there any other tips you could share?
Thanks Ladies...Lucy.
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Toby, i have a fatty lump on my hip. Moves around. Similar responses from onc, recon doc, gyno. I hope it's nothing, let us know what the doc says.
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Hi All,
Christina, congrats on getting your port out!
Dolce, great advice over the past week or so. Moving on is important.....I'm working on it right now.
We are spending January in Florida. My first time as a snowbird. I probably wouldn't be doing this if I hadn't had been in treatment this time last January. I'm so grateful to have the energy to exercise. I'm also so grateful that my hair is going much faster (back to normal) and I have to color my roots! Thank goodness for having roots! Here's a pic of the sunrise this morning.
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Hi ladies, I just wanted to pop in and say hello. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I'm in the "break" phase myself right now. If I'm not careful the fear of recurrence can take over, so I'm trying to stay away from the boards for now and focus on life and other things. I'm BRCA+ and just had a BSO/hyst a few weeks ago and have my exchange surgery on the 20th. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I'm cancer free, but with these lingering surgeries I often feel like I'm still in the thick of things. I'm hoping this break from the boards will help.
I think of and pray for you all often! Sending you all big hugs!
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simple=where in Florida?
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Spirit, we should all be taking 1,000 iu's of Vit D per 25 lb of body weight That is considered a maintenance dose. You should ask to have your Vit D level checked with a blood draw. If it is low, you will want to take 10,000 to 20000 iu's until you achieve a normal range. Normal ranges vary depending on the lab, and usually max out at 70 for high normal range. Studies show to avoid cancer, it is optimal to keep your Vit D level at 70 - 100. I take 10,000 iu's daily and increased my level from 23 to 79. My nutritionist is keeping me at 10,000 iu's because we naturally need more in the winter, at least in Ohio where the sun doesn't shine much in winter.
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Hey Zen..I'm from Ohio! go Bucks! and my d level is at 70 and I take 5000 iu's per day
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Awesome, Titan! Where in Ohio
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Titan, I noticed you are coming up on 6 years. You are my inspiration
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Ally, good to hear from you. We are in similar boats. My goal is for my mind to be too busy to focus on ANYTHING! I just want to get my responsibilities done each day and then go live and have fun!
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Hi all,
Haven't been on here for awhile, but wanted to stop by and say Happy New Year to you all! I had a mammo and ultra sound yesturday. Thankfully, both came out ok. Saw my BS today and he took my port out! It took longer than expected because of scar tissue. I'm a bit sore, but feel so free knowing it's gone. Seeing my MO next month and getting a CT scan. I'm almost at one year from my dx. I'm hoping that 2015 is a much better year for all of us!
Wishing you all well, hugs, lilyrose
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Just popping in to say Hello! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year!Congrats to all that have had anniversaries in the last month!!
I am over 4 years out now and am well (knock on wood!) and looking forward to 5 years in Aug. I still get the fear of recurrence/metastisis, but now I think first of other possible issues my pain could be. I am 49, but feel physically older because I don't exercise or eat like I should. I want to lose about 15-20 pounds and am trying (only been a week so far!). Now, if I could just find some motivation to get moving more! I don't just sit on the couch all day, I am up and doing stuff around the house and running errands, but don't do much else physically. Any suggestions for easing back into exercise? I am not very flexible so I need to start slowly!
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eileenpg, I'm on Hutchinson Island (Jensen beach). I just looked up some BC support groups down here in the Jensen beach area. I might go to one next Monday night. It looks like you are almost done with rads (correct?). Being a snowbird down here is wonderful! You are fortunate to live in the area.
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