August 2010...anyone starting chemo besides me?!
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Calamity, I don't think I ever mentioned that I home schooled too. It was only 5th through 8th grade, four years. Our daughter had so many great opportunites because of it and went on to high school very fresh for learning. She was valedictorian and went on to college and grad school. We had so much fun following her interests that developed in those years. We saw lots of theatre and a friend let her use the electron microscope at a university. We had lots of museums available to us and we joined them as members and so would have access to special classes. Instead of just reading about verious topics she was able to dive into them and explore with more depth. I remember those years so well, what an amazing time it was for us. I hope your adventure with your children is blessed.
PS My DD learned her fractions by multiplying recipes for christmas cookies and converting the ingredients into a shopping list of appropriate quantities. We used to make 100 dozen each Christmas to use for gifts. I think practical applications really speed learning.
I go to the radiologist for the first time tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, I still have numb feet and hands and fall over far too easily because of it. I also just don't want to get back into the treatment cycle and have burns on me. I know I dont have to like it, I just have to show up. This is not a trip I wanted to take.
Yes, it is normal to feel bad at the end of treatment. and at the beginning too.
Ginger
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I echo the feelings about not feeling excited to be "done". I have started not sleeping well again. I know it is because during treatment I felt good knowing I was fighting bc. Now I'm ... not really sure how to explain how I feel. I have this feeling we did not get it all.
I would love to keep in touch via facebook. If you'd like to add me, I'm Janice Schwake Johnson, Palmetto, Florida.
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THANK YOU LADIES SO MUCH!! I was beginning to get really down on myself, thinking I've let myself get fat and lazy is why I feel like crap and so tired. Maybe I'm not such a sorry excuse for a human being as I was beginning to believe. I'm 4 weeks PFC today, but I'm still so tired all the time. I manage to keep up with routine chores like laundry, grocery shopping and keeping the house somewhat clean, but that is about it. The rest of the time I'm zoned out in front of the tv or napping! And I ache, especially my legs. It feels like the achiness you get when you've worked out too hard, but I haven't done a thing! Like Rachel, I'm trying to push myself to at least walk some everyday hoping that will help get my stamina back. I used to work out 4 or 5 times a week, so I miss being active and agile. I feel so weak, creaky ... like I'm an old woman. And I almost can't stand to look in a mirror lately. Left brow is completely gone, right one has just enough hair to give me a little outline for drawing one on. Left lashes completely gone, right lashes all fell out but are growing back little nubs now, but too short to put mascara on. The lack of eye-hair is worse than being bald, it makes me look really sickly.
Anyway, I'm not going through anything unique and I need to remember that. You ladies are great to share so that I know I'm not alone.
I'm going to Facebook and friend you Sweeney and Ann!
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ladyinbama I meant to respond to your post about how you weren't feeling good about yourself but it was crazy here with the kids off. We all just had the rotten luck to get one of the few cancers where people often gain weight on chemo. I knew it from being an oncology nurse and even asked my onc if they knew exactly what the reason was hoping to prevent it. She said it was most likely hormonal. I dread going on Tamoxifen because it seemed like alot of women on it complained of weight gain (although they could have been including weight gain during chemo as well). A drug rep came to the hospital to give us an inservice on it once and was insisting it wasn't a side effect. (It was a guy, we were like we have alot of women who'd be happy to tell you otherwise.) Now I wonder if it's partly the early menopause. Just want you to know the weight issue is a common problem; you are not lazy! You had a rough time on chemo anyway being in the hospital so just try to be kind to yourself. You're right the whole no lash brows thing doesn't help morale. I think once the hair starts coming in more that will help us feel better.
hugs,
Carolyn
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Ann I felt during chemo I was punching out the little BC suckers every week. Now that chemo is over and lumpy tomorrow, I feel like I should be doing something. I'll start back on Herceptin the 23rd. Maybe having IV's will make me happy:)
I think I will worry too about not getting it all. You had a tiny tumor and are ER PR positive. Think happy thoughts.
I too hate the "well aren't you glad its over"? I want to nutt up. Because I feel like this is a lifetime worry. I'm sure it gets easier, for now I appreciate every nanosecond I don't remember I have BC. I've been shopping all day (pre lumpect) just to get the day behind me and get ready for tomorrow. library lil
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Thanks Carolyn, I need the encouragement right now. This too shall pass, just like the other BC crap, but that doesn't make it any easier when you are in the midst of it.
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I 'enjoyed' reading everyone's posts today. I was actually back in the office and didn't check while there, too busy. I am home now and pooped. Glad I made some chicken soup yesterday to have for dinner tonight!
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Lady - When you said
It feels like the achiness you get when you've worked out too hard, but I haven't done a thing!
That is EXACTLY how I describe the way my body feels.
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I felt exactly like that too. I still feel like a 90-year-old woman with creaky legs when I get up after sitting down for a while...and lets not even talk about getting up after sitting down on the floor, LOL! The good news is that I am now 9 or so weeks out and it definitely feels better. My oncologist said it could take six months to go away entirely, but I have noticed a definite improvement, so hang in there, it gets better.
Good luck with the surgery Libralil!!
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Libralil: I remember you asked about what you should take along for the drains. Hope I'm not too late to reply. I had read a lot on here and I took safety pins to pin the drains to your clothing. My nurse though, was going to bring some to my room, so I think they ought to be prepared for that. They gave me a camisole in the hospital and it had these little pockets sewn inside them to hold the drains. Hopefully they'll give you one also because it really made me feel more comfortable.0
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I have the achiness
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Ann Thanks, my bag is packed for tomorrow at 6:30 am (with safety pins.) libralil0
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lil - Good luck - will be thinking of you!0
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good luck tomorrow LibraryLil- will be thinking of you lots and lots. ~Sweeney
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Good evening chemosabes and radicals (and future stars in the bc version of "The Hangover!")
I AM HOME!!!!!!!!! YAY!! My biggest problem at Yale this time: stomach pains from laughing with the most incredible, loveable nurse I have ever met! Of course he is a guy...but not on our team, girls! In any case, we grew up in the same town and I am 4 years older than him and it was divine intervention that made sure we did not meet in our high school years because the result would have been more mayhem for both of us!! In any case, we had soooo much fun! The staff was absolutely lovely also. What a good stay I had. Now I have a huge open wound where the TE used to be, I have to "wound care" and pack it daily (yuck) and the VNA will help me for the first week. It is so beyond gross to put my fingers IN MY BODY to pack an empty hole in my chest where my boob used to be with gauze....ugh...what a long, very long, strange trip this is!
My little JOYSTARS! - I am sorry, dear. I missed your posts. I was busy trying to see God over Christmas! I was so freakin' sick...I wanted to move toward the light. What was awful also was that the infection and TE had been sharing so little space that when the infection started to swell, it apparently was pressing against my lung cavity and the chamber to my heart because my heart was beating like a racehorse with every slight exertion and my breathing was a mess. In any case, I am going to PM you to catch up. I am so glad the baby is good and that you stopped by again. My apologies for not responding sooner....I was so sick from the 22nd to just about today. Glad to still be here to respond to your post!
Lisasinglem: that is an absolutely hysterical reference to "The Hangover" and me!!!! The first time I watched that movie I did not find it all that funny because I used to wake up from nights like that sans the wildlife! In fact, I found the movie a little scary at first! But I am older now so I am sure we will have a subdued time......!
Ann97: can't take a compliment from the absolutely innocuous man at the airport requesting your digits?!! All because of some missing brows hang-up?! BTW, I, too, have that feeling that we "did not get it all." I also watch "House" and he is always making fun of Wilson reminding him his "crappy chemo" does not help anyone! Well my BIL is alive 15 years later after having chemo and surgery in response to a nasty lung cancer dx. Chemo must be helping someone and I am sure what they are using today is much better than what they were using 15 years ago on my BIL so let's be cautiously optimistic. I do know how you feel just the same, however.
Omaz: I love the avatar! Since we are putting up photos from when we had hair, I just might join you all tomorrow!
Ckptry: I agree with Sweeney in that the people around you talking about how you crossed some finish line also draws on the notion you should be feeling better. I say eff it....you are feeling as you are today and that is the way it is supposed to be. Tomorrow you may feel worse, better etc... but give yourself a month or 2 to get over all of that chemo and the bodily jarring we all experienced. Keep your circle small also. I worked with a woman once who had skin cancer. You guys, you cannot believe how completely miserable she was. It was scary to me but guess what? Skin cancer did not make her miserable...she was always miserable and skin cancer gave her yet another thing to cry about. You have to be wary of who is around you. If they never had cancer they do not understand it and with our hormones completely off-track, just protect yourself, Caroline, and allow yourself to feel all of those "words" every day until you don't anymore. You *have* the right to be a little off these days as well all do. Don't question it...in fact, feel relieved that you recognize you are a bit off!! BTW, love the new avatar! Very nice photo.
JSW: I am sooo sorry to hear about your cat. I know you said she was sick back in Oct/Nov. You can never, ever be prepared. That is so sad...especially around the holidays.
I will tell you a little cat story that will hopefully make you giggle a bit. My PS came to see me Sunday and I remarked how I wanted to go home and how the "team" I had in place to check on my house was falling apart as the holidays were winding up/people returning to work and one of my friends has an unfolding medical drama in her family etc... In any case, I LIED to him as the team was not set up to watch the house but was surreptitiously designed to have a steady stream of visitors for my CAT!!!! When I got home, after a week in the hospital, I found her in the back of one of the kitchen cabinets, whining. No clue how she got in there but she was in an organizational basket so I slid the basket out and out popped the cat! I wanted her to have visitors while I was gone because she was feral, living along the highway and I know she is very attached to me and is a basket case when I am gone (heard stories from her previous cat sitters when I vacationed!). Consequently, I don't always let the team know they have been gathered up for "cat visiting" but tell them they have important responsibilities (he he!) like checking on the house, bringing in mail but the most important task I assign each of them is to talk to my cat!!!!! Good times, JSW!
I am so glad the Abraxane is going better for you than you had initially thought it might. It is all together so much easier when this bulldozer we call txs turns out to be just a bit easier...just a bit is enough to make us weep with joy!
Calamtykel: you equate summer with bc dx and that sucks. If I were you, I would plan very fun activities with the kids etc.. for the week you were dxd. You have to change what that timeframe means to you. Do not let bc steal your summer fun away. Bc was one thing, one dx, one bad time in over 40 summers. Work to erase the connection as quickly as possible. I am very, very grateful I was dxd 2 days after tax day because I have always loathed tax day!
To the sores and the aches: I am just going to say it for all of us that it totally sucks that we had to put up with bc dx, associated surgeries, hospitalizations, tests, scans, MRIs, infections, hair loss, energy loss, lack of sleep, being forced to abandon exercise under labored breathing (and so many more items I am failing to list) and to this we must add perpetual soreness and aching? It totally sucks. It will get better. I know it does not seem that way but from all I have heard from those who are far ahead of us all on this journey said it does abate. I know that is no solace for you all now, however.
Ginger: good luck at the radiologist tomorrow. I was surprised when I was told I did not need it so perhaps you will be as well.
LIbraylil: best of luck tomorrow. I am sure your surgery will be a huge success. Don't worry at all. These surgeries are so routine to our docs now we pretty much have nothing to worry about. I will be sending the best vibes your way tomorrow.
Lady: I have to agree with Omaz and how succinctly you summed up what the achiness feels like. That is exactly what I feel. I feel like I worked my legs but that used to be on the press to the tune of about 150lbs and now it is walking to the end of the driveway to get the garbage!
Oh..it feels so good to be home and the first thing I did after calming Bibbers (my cat) down? Took a nap! Hospital was great but not great for sleeping! Goodnight, girls, and may we all get through this together. Let's get to Vegas in October!
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Lizzy - So GLAD you are home!! I was playing around with the avatar trying to figure out how to do it. I get my hair sorted out on Thursday then I can post a post-tx picture. Yes the avatar that you saw was just before I started chemo, my first short haircut. That open wound does sound like a challenge. Hope it doesn't hurt.0
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Lizzy I hope the wound thing isn't too uncomfortable, sleep well! Glad you're home.
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okay - my turn to panic.
Tonight I was rubbing at my neck, on the mastecomy side and on my collar bone, I can feel a lump --I'm sure it's a lymph node. I'm so scared! WTH!? I guess I am calling my oncologlist tomorrow morning first thing! UGH - I hate this!!
I'll never sleep now. Wish I'd just gone to bed...............:(
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Cal - I had the same thing after I got my port in. I was so panicked. The doctor said that because I had had the surgery and I was starting to get a cold, he would not be concerned at all, that the nodes were doing their job. It is hard not to worrry though. Maybe your body is just fighting something off. Thinking about you and sure all will be fine. Try not to worry - easier said than done, I know!
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mommi- I wish it were on the port side -mine's on the mastectomy side. I forgot, back when I had my breast and sentinal node biopsy (which was also a lump) the second BS I saw, paused when she was feeling my collarbone. I remember being freaked about that. So what if this has been there all along?
calling the cancer center today.
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I'm going at 2:15 today to see the doctor. If you're a prayin' person, pray for me! I know with God there are no mistakes, no accidents. Trying to calm down now.
I flipping hate this about cancer. Really.
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Praying for you cal. I know how you feel, I had that lump 2 months ago and it was an inch from where my bc was. It turned out to be fatty tissue when they removed it. I know the panic feeling but like mine was I'm sure you will be just fine.
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I remember that - I'm glad it was nothing.
I'm pretty sure this is a node - doggone it. Sometimes it's very hard to find. I only found it cause I was sore from Wii fit and gave myself a massage on the neck side and back--my hand slipped down to my collar bone since there can be muscles that that can affect the neck and that's when I found it.WIll let you guys know what happens..............I feel a little better this morning since I'm mobilized now with the app't. Just keep thinking it's mets that weren't diagnosed originally since they dont' remove those nodes up there...........
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Cal - After my biopsy I had a swollen node that wasn't there before. The BS said it was responding to the surgery. He also said that sometimes they stay that way and don't go back to being small, so maybe it is just one of those leftover from your surgery.0
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Calam: I'm praying for you!! I am sure it is nothing, but I know exactly how you feel with the panic. My appointment with the GYN is Thursday and I will get the biopsy results from the polyps they removed last week. After months of chemo, I am sure it can't be cancer, but just can't help those bad thoughts from creeping in.
Good luck this afternoon!
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thank you guys so much. I think what scares me is the location ---the breast actually drains under the arm and up the chest and even into the neck! I found that interesting. I wish it were on the port side - I'd feel better. Just hoping it's backed up lymph fluid as scar tissue no doubt blocks and disrupts the flow....that whole side feels different from the other side (actually it has since the surgery - I have a weird little tuck where she took out the nodes, etc.)
It could definitely have responded to the surgery or the node biopsy. I do know that my son had a swollen one on his neck because of lyme and that the pediatrician said it could stay that way for months even with a child, even once an infection is gone.
thanks for the encouragement - I'm plunging in head on and at least I feel better that it's not 11:30 last night!
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Cal--wishing you good luck at Doc. Everyone else has posted above and I agree with them. This is the thing that I HATE most about cancer--the worry in our minds over every test etc. They (those that have done this before) tell me that this does eventually go away--not sure when. I am sending positive vibes your way.
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Okay Cal, we're all pulling for you and praying and thinking and wishing. Just know that you've got all of us all over North America behind you today when you go in there. It's nothing. But that fear sure must be awful right now. Let us know when you get back okay? Big hugs.0
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Cal I am joining in with everyone else to wish you well at the dr today and I agree with everyone else that it is probably nothing. It is after all, cold and flu season right now, so hopefully your lymph nodes are just doing their job and fighting off a cold. Let us know how it goes!
Lizzy Glad to hear you have made it home from the hospital and your story of having a cat patrol for Bibbers (and her hiding in the cupboard!) gave me a smile.
Librarylil I hope your surgery goes well today! I had a lumpectomy and was surprised at how quickly I felt better afterwards. Hopefully it will be the same for you. I thought the worst part was getting my arm on that side back to normal after having all of the lymph nodes removed.
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that my hair has started falling out again! For the last month or so I was getting some regrowth but then last week, about a week after my second Abraxane, it started falling out again. Of course it was short and nowhere near full head coverage so it is really not much coming out but I am just disappointed. I guess I will have to wait a while longer to be able to go "topless"!
And I have a question for the group, especially those of you who have already finished chemo. Since chemo started I have been really cautious about what I eat because I don't want to get food poisoning or anything like that! So I have avoided all raw veggies, salads, and unpasteurized cheeses. How long should I continue to avoid those after my last chemo? I find myself really craving a big Greek salad with feta cheese... yum! So when did all of you go back to a regular diet (if you ever even changed it in the first place)?
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kel sorry you are worried, hope the onc reassures you that it is nothing. Thinking of you and let us know thow it goes afternoon.
libraylil meant to post sooner, hope the surgery and recovery goes quickly and you have good results!
Carolyn
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