Ladies in their 30s
Comments
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Clarrn that's nice that you've made friendships out of this terrible situation. I haven't been on the site long but it has changed a lot from what people are saying it used to be. Congrats on the second baby that's amazing! So happy for you.
I'm hoping to have kids. Just hard to find a good man these days.
Hray glad you are almost done with chemo. I hope radiation and surgery goes well.
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thank you. I’m hoping radiation isn’t too bad. It’s not something I thought I was going to have to do but now I do so I’m a little worried about it.
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hray, I was afraid of radiation at first too, but in my experience it was much milder than chemo or surgery. I hope it's that way for you too.
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You got this! 💪
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Smichaels11- Don't worry, once you get a plan and get moving through treatment you'll be able to get back to some of those fun things to look forward to. We had to cancel a lot of plans and trips as well when I was first starting and now that I'm partway through and have a better handle on my side effects and treatment schedule, we've been able to get back to some fun activities. We just got back from a camping weekend with the kids, something we really enjoy doing and weren't sure if we'd be able to do at the start of this cancer mess. I had my HP infusion Thursday and a full week of radiation and I felt good enough to still go. Just want you to know that it's scary, but life can go on and be fun again eventually. I just know how hard that diagnosis and month or so after getting it is.
Hray- I agree with buttonsmachine, radiation has been a breeze (so far) compared to chemo. You've been through a lot! If you have to do radiation- you got this
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Thank you for the kind words! I had an MRI this AM followed by my port placement. I'm pretty sore right now but currently enjoying lunch at my favorite restaurant and a lite beer (shhh!!).
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Lol...hope you enjoyed it. Also hope you’re feeling better.
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Howdy all!
I was originally diagnosed at 30, and now am being treated for a recurrence (same tumor, same site), at 37. (Yes, I had negative margins from my first surgery. It just goes to show you anything can happen.) This Friday was supposed to be my NED anniversary. Needless to say, I won't be celebrating. I'm lucky both Dxs were early stage (1a). But damn - this still sucks.
The main difference between then and now is that I now have 2 toddlers, a business, and there's this little thing called COVID floating about. Cancer with young kids is 2000 times harder than without. Throw quarantine and self employment into the mix and BAM - there's a stress bomb for you.
Anyway - I didn't mean to come to vent. I meant to say hello, fellow thirty-somethings!
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mariadll- sorry you have to be here! We were originally diagnosed the same year at the same age! I had a 2 year old then and I now have another 2 year old (7 years apart). I am back on the forums for my upcoming reconstruction Aug 24th. One thing I learned the first time is to accept help with my kid on your worst days, and also there were many days me and my daughter watched far too many cartoons and it was GOOD. We got to be together, and it didn't rot her brain. So try not to let the mom guilt take you down. You got this! And your kids will be ok even if they watch cartoons and eat cheerios for dinner
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Hi Maria - so sorry you are dealing with this once again and on top of that with all the added stress of Covid. Vent all you need!
God bless you ladies going through this with children! It's hard enough dealing with on it's own. You will get through this. I wish you the best!
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Mariadll- welcome back! (Unfortunately). I’m 34 with 3 boys (6, 4, 1.5). Treatment with little ones is not fun, but survivable...I made it through this Spring during the start of covid and everyone home with me. It sure was a wild ride. My kids enjoyed their extra ipad and tv time.Like clarrn said, accept the help when you need, ignore any mom guilt, and know that the kids will be okay! Here if you ever want to vent, chat, etc!
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Hi there Maria, I'm sorry you're going through this again. Good news (if anything related to cancer can be good news) is you caught it early again. I am in the thick of chemo with a 5 year old and although it's not been a walk in the park, it's doable. I'm getting him ready for kindergarten and COVID is making everything so difficult. I focus day to day on what I can do and let the rest go. I know all of this is finite and allow others to pick up the slack. Sometimes my little guy watches too much youtube on his tablet or skips a bath. My SO makes dinner and does the lion share of cleaning. I never feel guilty because, well damnit, I have cancer lol!
I am lucky to be able to work from home right now and am fortune to have a boss who went through breast cancer several years ago, so she is very understanding. If I need a day to rest I take it. Sometimes deadlines mean I have to push through, but for the most part I am very forgiving with my body. I believe being young gives us an advantage because we can fight through this with more energy and stamina. You got this, girl!! 💪
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@carrn I wish you the best this Monday. Thank you for the reassurance regarding my kiddos. It's exactly what I needed to hear, especially after a high screen time day, and lots of mom guilt. Tomorrow will be better.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. This group is a haven.
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Hi all, I’d love to hear from women here who chose to get pregnant after treatment. My oncologist recommended that I can start trying after 2 years of hormone therapy but getting off hormone therapy makes me really really nervous. She also thinks it’s safe to try to get pregnant naturally. I’ve frozen some eggs prior to chemo so to me that feels like a faster option compared to getting pregnant naturally and potentially being off Tamoxifen for an extended period of time. I know everyone’s story is different but would appreciate to learn from you strong women. Thanks in advance
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Hi Domzie,
I chose to get pregnant after treatment. Here is our story.
I did 2 years of tamoxifen, then my oncologist gave us the go ahead to try for 6 months naturally. We hadn't frozen eggs and my fertility numbers weren't good. As anyone who has struggled with trying to get pregnant knows, it is excruciating as you wait to see if you were successful every month. Month 6 we were pregnant, and my fertility specialist said it didn't make sense. At 10 weeks they couldn't find the heartbeat and we said goodbye to our miracle. I have never been so devastated. My oncologist said that we could try for another 6 months and that he believes in miracles. We tried for another 6 months and then I couldn't keep risking being off tamoxifen or handle it mentally so I decided that I would go back on tamoxifen the next month and booked my CT to see if I was a candidate for DIEP flap. 1 week later I was late. We were pregnant again, and even though we didn't exhale for the entire 9 months, I have a beautiful baby boy who is now 2 and is best friends with his older sister (who we had 7 years earlier- before cancer). And all the ups and downs were worth it in the end, but it is emotionally taxing. I have never felt like I had won more, than when my body was doing what breast cancer had tried to take away, or grieved deeper than losing the first baby. I also struggled hard with having to formula feed when I had breastfed my eldest for 17 months and had months of nightmares about recurrence after almost every single nurse asked me to explain why I wasn't breastfeeding in the hospital. So whatever you choose, it will be hard.
It's a deeply personal choice, and if we hadn't had a little girl already, I don't know if we would have tried at all, let alone after the miscarriage. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation too, but I wanted to give you some hope. There is a thread called something like coming off tamoxifen to have a baby.
And I am sorry too for those reading this who didn't get their miracle baby. As we have all experienced with our cancer, life is definitely not fair, hugs ♡
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Clarrn,
Thank you so so much for sharing your story. I was deeply moved by it and this sentence you wrote hit me hard: “ I have never felt like I had won more, than when my body was doing what breast cancer had tried to take away, or grieved deeper than losing the first baby.“
I’m so glad you got your miracle baby and thanks for sharing a story of hope while acknowledging the very real and very difficult decisions we have to make. Hugs to you
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Hi, I'm 34 and just started chemo for triple positive IDC. It spread to two lymph nodes and I totally went to a very dark place but recently had a clear full body CT. I'm separated from my husband and have four kids. They've had to stay at their dad's a lot while I've been away for treatment so it has been especially hard. We had a really stressful break up less than a year ago (he cheated) and I was still going through that when I was diagnosed.
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This is my very first post not only on this website, but the first of any social media website in several years so I have no idea how to write a post. Social media scares me and I wanted to avoid it at all costs, especially after receiving my cancer diagnosis. I can't find a therapist that specializes in cancer survivorship that is affordable (I already have a psychiatrist) so here I am! I need help.
I'm 38. I had a breast exam in May of 2019 but the cancer was on the chest wall and couldn't be felt. It was only when it spread to my supraclavicular lymph node that I felt a lump. They told me it was stage three when the lymph node was biopsied. Ironically, the lump in my breast could only be seen by mammography but I was too young to receive a yearly mammogram. I'm BRCA negative.
I got the call 9/4/2019. I underwent TCHP therapy (Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta). I had a very, very bad reaction to the chemo (especially to Taxotere) and had almost every imaginable symptom. I had breast surgery in March 2020 a week before lockdown, then 6 weeks of radiation.
Then they found a benign mass in my other breast so I had to have surgery for that last December.
My PET scan was clear and I had a complete response but the symptoms are not done with me.
According to my psychiatrist I developed something similar to PTSD from the chemo. I don’t remember what he called it. I still throw up once a month and feel nauseous every day. I should also mention that I have been diagnosed with OCD, depression, and general anxiety when I was 17. Before lockdown I used to have panic attacks and couldn't drive a car. I feel like I never was able to process all the trauma of cancer, my mental health, and COVID all at once. Luckily, I have a very strong support system except for some who completely either abandoned me or acted very passive/aggressive to me since my diagnosis. I read that that's a thing with cancer. Wtf.
I feel very numb and also very angry. I just don't know how to act or feel. I just needed to share. Thank you for this wonderful community.
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I am so sorry for everything you have been through Phoenix. I am still in treatment and I too am struggling with the emotions. What you are experiencing is completely understandable and from what I have read, the time after active treatment is very difficult psychologically. My mom keeps talking about how "once this is over and behind us" and I think I am the only person who realizes that this will never fully be behind me. I'm on an antidepressant now and should be doing counselling but I have only had a couple sessions.
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Thank you Redcanoe. I'm so, so sorry for everything you went through. Congratulations on your CT scan! I know how exciting it is to get the all clear!
Cancer puts us all in a very dark place but I also found my inner strengths. The DAY I got the call, I fell apart, but after I talked to my support system, something clicked. All the depression, panic, everything just went on the back burner. Something was unblocked and all those years of therapy came flooding in from memory to the rescue.I thought there was something wrong with me. How can I go to therapy for so long and nothing stuck? Therapy helped me and of course, time. I know right now is very, very difficult. I had a very rough chemo but I PROMISE it won't break you. You will get through this.
Big hugs and remember, you are strong.
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Does anyone have any suggestions for finding closure to “friends" who either completely abandoned you, became passive/aggressive, or just plain toxic to you during treatment? I'm having a hard time finding closure with a specific friend who've I've known since I was a teenager.
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Depends what you mean by closure. Do you mean you want to have a conversation with her to see why she behaved the way she did? Or just that you want to find a way to move past your feelings about this and put the friendship to rest? If it's the latter, maybe writing it out would help. Write (or type!) everything you can think of that you might want to say to her or about her, and everything you feel about the whole situation. You could even write it as a letter to her, not to send but just to use it to unload all the feelings. And then keep it around and add to it if you think of more things you want to say.
I don't know what she did and I obviously don't know either of you but something to consider is that when people behave like that, it's usually not about you. It's about them. Either they can't handle what's happening to you and they take it out on you or they bail, or something else is going on in their life that is making them lash out at others. So if it's a friendship you'd really like to save, it might be worth approaching her with that in mind.
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Thank you so, so much for your advice ParakeetsRule! I've decided that she is just too toxic to stay friends with. Over the last few years she has slowly become more and more self absorbed and she started to treat me more of a pity of a person (before cancer) because of my mental health problems and self esteem issues. Once diagnosed, I just can't explain what happened. I forgive her for the way she behaved but only partially. We all say things we don’t mean (at least I hope she didn’t mean) but I can't forgive her for the lack of empathy. That is what I am struggling with now. I am just completely heartbroken. Someone who was always there for me just....left. If anything were to happen to her now, no matter what, I would be at her place within the hour. I would give her my all. I don't expect her to do the same thing of course because it's dangerous to assume things, but to show no interest on how I'm doing is just too hurtful to let go.
The other friend just bolted. I feel more numb with that friend.
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Phoenixrose, I'm sorry for all you are going through. This diagnosis will unfortunately allow us to see some people's true colors, and it can be very disappointing to say the least. Of course I can't say what the reason is for your friend's behavior - but please know that it is not you.
The self-involvement and lack of empathy you mentioned makes me wonder if your friend might have narcissistic traits. You might want to check out Dr Ramani on YouTube and see if any of her channel resonates with what you are dealing with. I have been dealing with a toxic person like that in my life too, and I found Dr Ramani's channel to be helpful in many ways, such as providing context and healing strategies. Anyway, it's terrible when we have to deal with stuff like this on top of an already difficult illness. I hope that helps some, best wishes.
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Thank you Buttonsmachine! Your post made me smile. Thank you for that!
During lockdown I started to read anything and everything to try to not only understand this, but also just understand how to move forward as a person in cancer treatment. I definitely believe she has narcissistic traits. I guess they were always there but I never realized it. I just didn't want to see it maybe. I didn't want to believe that some people are just bad. I'm still struggling with that.
I will definitely check the video you suggested!
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I was 29 when I was diagnosed and went through double mastectomy and chemo. My husband wasn't very understanding but I was lucky to have my parents help take care of me and my then 2 year old. I spent so much time sleeping and was so sick I wouldn't eat for days. It is such a horrifying experience that no one else can understand unless they've been through it. Hang in there!
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Hi JeDe21,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my support system. I've learned that cancer unfortunately pushes those you thought were there for you, but decided to either pretend like you never existed, or say such passive/aggressive things to you that is beyond cringeworthy. I think for some it's a defense mechanism, or narcissism. When I told one friend about my diagnosis, they said “Cancer is fascinating". And that was it. Left me on 'read'. I could be dead. I still have yet to get a text. The other just gave passive/aggressive statements, changed the subject when I asked for advice, and never checked in with me after an important scan. She's one of those people who just cares about herself.
I've learned to forgive her only partially. For her actions, I forgive her because she has mental health issues as well so I can't be mad at what she can't control. The only thing I can't forgive her for is her lack of empathy. She simply doesn't have it. I don't know how to forgive that part. I'm working on it.
I've learned to just cut toxic people out of your life. If they call you, be nice, be cordial, and still be there for them even if they weren't there for you just like any empathetic human would. Just start slowly, and politely, push them to the 'acquaintance' position in your life. Then move on with those who truly value you. Carrying around their toxicity with you or being vengeful against them isn't going to help.
Warm hugs,
Phoenixrose8
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"Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world."
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching0 -
That's beautiful, Phoenixrose!
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How do you tell a friend you haven't spoken to in years that you are a breast cancer patient?
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