Great saying about depression
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DiDel- "Just one more doc feeling me up." LMAO!!!!
Thanks Stanzie. Not much going on here. I've been butting heads with another member on another thread and got fed up so haven't been posting as much. I start my LE/PT a week from tomorrow and even though I know it will help I'm not looking forward to it. How are you? Did you get the new car thing straightened out? How are you feeling? Is PT in your future, too?
Just got back from a brunch at one of our neighbor's. It was great to see everyone but sometimes I feel like I have nothing to talk about. No one wants to hear about BC at this point. I mentioned that I was going to be starting some PT due to some problems since surgery and no one asked what those problems are. Are they afraid I'll start talking about breasts or, God forbid, nipples or something? LOL! I always feel like they're secretly thinking, "OMG, you had a frickin' boob job. Get over it!" Oh, if they only knew, huh?
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Thanks for being here, everyone. I log on several times a day, too. No one else understands how BC has changed us forever. My family and friends are ready for me to move on, but I no longer know where to move on to. It is a strange new world that I never asked for. All of you help me so much just by listening.
Kate, I had a lumpectomy instead of a BMX, but I ended up with LE. I started therapy for it two weeks ago and it is awesome. It is an appointment that I actually look forward to keeping. I hope yours will be a happy experience, too.
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Elizabeth- Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better. I've been dreading it. I've been so angry about it and blame the PS who did my revision. Hoping I can get some relief from the pain so I can let go of some of that anger.
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my le therapist has become an integral part of my support system, i don't know WHAT id do w/out her... she's so much like me, we talk shorthand, at this point!!!
i got hand/foot syndrome from taxol, and she emailed me websites for toed socks, so i could wear my birkenstocks with them.. its not a look id ever rock, but have to now...
Elizabeth, i so understand.. i know my life has been interupted ... and permanently, not like so many think.. like you said.. id move along, but where would i go...here!!!..........
Kate: i also, have had some incidents on threads.. and, i just avoid them, but keep to my favs, where i feel you know me.. as long as they don't follow you (as has happened here ) you're all good.. remember.. no news is good news, so keep coming here, even though not much is going on.. hopefully, thats the good days!3jays
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I also read the posts several times a day. You all have become an extended family to me. I share in your problems and triumphs.I know that BC has definitely changed how I look at life.Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. Expecting a big storm here so will hunker down.
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"joy deficiency"...that's me! LOL i can relate to the statement of not really being depressed, just deficient in joy.
i'd always thought withdrawal from Wellbutrin should be slow, yet psych said didn't have to be. it's always something to hear one thing from one source and then another corner heard from isn't it. never realized the W increases anxiety until saw the shrink. will be changed to something that doesn't increase anxiety and is more appropriate for that. have always been an "anxious" person, the worrier, etc. no wonder needed Xanax before surgery!
have a great day!
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Kate you are a very special person. I told someone this weekend, we are fighters and are realizing a strength we did not know existed. And because we get up each day and try again, means there is hope in our hearts. As long as we have even a shred of hope no matter how small we will "do this"
It is really hard when people don't want to hear. I have had that happen too. I said I was having some medical issues lately and nothing...... I would not wish this on anyone but I wish they would at least try to understand. Our lives will always be impacted. We can eventually get back to more of who we were but we will never get back their totally because of what we have gone through and continue to go through. And what we are today is someone who is more empathetic, stronger and hopefully better.
So on our bad days and I have had a run of them the last couple of weeks, we reflect on our blessings.... and they are there in the midst of all this chaos and difficulty, our trusted support people and the love we have in our lives from whatever source.
Sorry kind of deep. Have a good week everyone.
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ptdreamers- Welcome! What part of WA are you in? My dream is to run away to Seattle some day. It usually hits me around July when it's 110* here in the desert without a drop of water in sight! lol!
Galsal- Interesting about the Wellbutrin. I never knew that but it explains so much. I've always had a lot of anxiety so surprised my GP would prescribe it but maybe she was running out of options since I've tried them all.
hope- Aw, thanks. I really needed that today. Don't apologize for being deep. I think that's the sprit of this thread. Being able to talk about the fall out of BC. Some days it feels like it just put a few cracks in my foundations and other days it feels like the house fell in. (And other days it feels like the house got picked up by a tornado and landed in Oz!)
So my DS discovered our old old Ipods (Nano 1st generation) had been recalled and you could send them in and get a brand new Ipod Nano. (I know- I thought it was a scam, too.) So he sent them off and we got our new ones. I discovered the pedometer on it and now am trying to see if if I can hit my goal every day of a certain amount of steps. So far, not even close but I do notice the depression is feeling better (but still having some crazy mood swings!). (Of course those could be the combination of menopause and living with a teenager- lol!) Today is an absolutely gorgeous spring day so I'm off for a walk with my pups. Wish you all could join me!
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Diane- Hope your onco appointment goes well today. Keep us posted! (((hugs!!!)))
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Kate33, I live on the Olympic Peninsula on the Hood Canal.I overlook the water and it is a blessing every day. Lived in Arizona for eight years, three of which were in Mesa. Never adjusted to the desert, need to have water close by.
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ptdreamers- It sounds like heaven! I was born in Michigan and sometimes the yearning for green overtakes but have been here since '74 (middle school). (Wow, am I really that old?) I have lots of family here so no moves planned but would love to be a snowbird who bugs out in the summer if we can swing it someday. I love Seattle and we've also looked at Portland. I always thought it would be fun to do the urban thing (condo downtown) since we're on the outskirts of Mesa now amongst the wildlife (coyotes, bobcats, javelina, etc). I think I'm just a city girl at heart though I do like the quiet sometimes.
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Hopeful - it makes me wonder if I hadn't had BC and it was one of my friends could or would I have ever not been there to listen? I honestly do not think so. And I guess that is why it is so painful and hurful when friends really don't want to hear about things. Yes I have learned. Learned not to say anything, learned to watch carefully if I do say something and have learned to change the subject rapidly if I can see I'm going to be hurt by their reaction or lack of support. It makes me sad.
I think it is hard when your health, whether you are in pain, tired, sore, scared, worried... how can these things not impact how you are and how you respond in life. To just pretend everything is like it was before .... well to tell the truth I don't even remember exactly how it was before and it has only been two years but feels like so much longer. Anyway, Kate and Hopeful sorry you have had a rough time with friends as well.
I also think that for me the oncologist didn't put me on the anti-estrogen meds(went into menopause at 37) because he said the risks and quality of life out weighed the benefits. My sister thought that was just great news cause "I was cured". Where that conversation still haunts me as in well sorry we normally would put you on meds to help your chances of a reoccurance but in your case you would have no quality of life so hope it all goes well for you, bye. And she didn't understand why I was upset by that. Sigh, sometimes I just don't know....
Diane - yes do let us know how your appointment goes.
Barb- just saw the post about your kidney's or kidney! Well yikes, like you needed that as well. Will it come back now that they are not messing with it? Anyway, hope you are all right.
Galsal- I would totally agree about wellbutrin. I was only on it a short time as I was so jittery and anxious I don't think I slept for days ... it was horrible. Couldn't do that one at all.
3jays- I'm so happy you have a therapist you really connect with. That is wonderful as I know you must need that! I used to have a really wonderful and lovely therapist I had a similar relationship with and she helped me so much. Tragically she was killed in a car accident and I just can't imagine going to see anyone else. I so miss her.
Anyway, thank you all for always being here and being kind and supportive and truly wonderful friends!
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Quick hello everyone....wanted to say my onc appointment went well and I have graduated to only need blood work every other visit. YEEEEAAAHHH
He and my PCP concluded that my kidney stones caused the migraines and the migraines caused the vertigo...or a virus caused the vertigo which is now gone and no headaches since my itsy bitsy stone passed. Which I had to laugh because I had to strain my urine for 36 hrs until that damn stone passed with what looked like a coffee filter. I then had to transport said stone to my PCP in a proper medical container...but it just made me laugh to say..heres my stone..and it literally was a SPECK in the container...but she saiid it was expected and an adequate sample. So funny though.
For those missing MBJ she has started a new thread about her Mets to Liver Shoulder Spine..it doesnt sound good but she remains determined to regain her strenght. If I knew how to attach that thread here I would have but some of you may want to visit it and keep up with her there. It looks like she is checking in and posting there.
Ok ladies....Love you all!! Hope you are having a great start to the week...back to work for me
Good night!
Diane
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Didel thanks for letting us know about mbj.. i'll ck on her later...
how im feeling now, is no joke.. ive seen a few drs now, and they all say
this MAY be the beginning of a "transition" for me.. not with cancer, but with ms.. i now found out its near my brain stem, and is affecting my ability to swallow.. im "penetrating" into my lungs a bit..
but, with hypothyroid, we can't really tell if the fatigue is the 1st sign of ms fatigue, or not.. thats' ver debilitating..
so, yes, ive become weak, and a little more than depressed..
i need to get wheeled outside in the wheelchair, even if im not up to walking.. so, we started a bit today.. wed. we're off to butterfly world with my GS that'll chase the blues away, for awhile.. thanks for listening........3jays
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3jays- I'm on my cell phone but just wanted to send out a cyber hug and let you know I was thinking about you. Sorry the ms is rearing its ugly head even more. It's another one of those damn diseases that I wish they'd find a damn cure already. It robs you of so much. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. It's just so frickin' unfair. I hope you have a wonderful time with your Gs and he, and the butterflies, bring you joy. ((((hugs!)))))
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Here's the site for MBJ's site - you should be able to copy & paste it (Control C, then Control V):
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/783617?page=3#idx_66
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3jays, does it make it easier to know it's the MS or harder? Sometimes knowing the enemy and looking them in the eye is very empowering. But, to know you can't beat your enemy down, but perhaps just hold them at bay, is enough!! Isn't it?
With love,
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3jays I hope you have a wonderful time today. I am sorry that you have been hit with so much and with disease processes that can rob you of so much. I hope you can get to a remission point with the MS.
I have a friend with MS it is another disease that people don't understand as it is silent in some ways with the fatigue. I can't see fatigue. But you know it and how it feels.
Enjoy the butterflies!!!!!
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Diane so glad it went so well at your appt!
Stanzie I am trying to take this journey and let it refine me. To change in the areas I needed to. Something needs to be positive about all this. I am trying to forgive those that hurt me and for the most part have. I have very much filtered and weeded out anyone who is not supportive and nurturing. I know there are different levels of this and am ok with minimal if I know it is sincere. Those though that I thought would be there and said such insensitive or cruel things are gone. I wish them well, but I just don't need them in my life.
Barbe hope you are doing ok.
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Hopeful - thank you. That is just a lovely way of looking at life now and moving on. You sound like such an amazing person it is hard to imagine how any would could be ugly to you, but I guess we have all faced that in some form.
OH 3Jays!!!!!! (((HUG))). I so hate to hear that? Are they sure it is near the brain stem? I know sometimes they have trouble reading some of my MRI's. I wish I could be with you and help you. I know you are scared and worried but can't it still go into remission? Remember this disease is ever changing and it can change for the positive as well. What about new meds or clinical trials? Somewhere I read of something new... I'll have to look it up - but I remember it was helping people who have progressed.
Is the wheelchair new or have you had it for a while. I will say getting outside in the sunshine and expecially seeing gorgeous butterflies will help. And always here to listen and be there for you! You have such amazing strenght and such a positive outlook - I always look for your posts. Enjoy today.
Barb, yes --- any more information about your kidney situation.
And Mary.... just don't begin to know what to say... so very sad and so wrong for the doctor and just everything.... I'm hoping and praying the tamoxifin works miracles for her!
Kate you hang in there too!!
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hope- I like what you wrote about letting it refine you by changing the areas you needed to. I never thought of it in that way but I do see some changes within myself. There were some who really weren't there for me and, prior to BC, not sure I would have been able to demand more from those I kept in my life and let go of the ones I knew were toxic. I expected and accepted so little from some of these relationships. I think connecting with so many wonderful women on here has shown me I deserve more.
I think it's encouraging that we can see something, anything, positive from all this. It shows that you and I are moving forward, my friend.
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kate, my friend we are. And the thing is that while we recognize that we are we can empathize with those just starting. Because we both know that out of nowhere sometimes it rushes back and it's like we have been hit by a truck. But with the strength and insight we have gained we can work our way back up.
I don't think I had the courage or strenght to weed out before either. Even with the difficult acceptance of the body image changes and all that entails (can I just say yuck!) we have come to see what we do have to offer and who we are as women of depth.
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Hi ladies. Sorry I stepped away for so long. When I quit work, I kinda reassessed myself and where I was mentally and physically. I realized my dreadful work situation was KEEPING me sick and walking away was the best thing I could do. By stopping everything, I was trying to divorce myself from the what I have been thru in the past two years. If I closed my eyes, it would go away. I've actually been sleeping better--I don't have those horrible work dreams. Unfortunately, since this whole thing has put on 25 lbs and I can't seem to get ahead of that. So happy that I FEEL better and docs seem to say that I am doing great. But sad that the damn Tamox has made me frumpy and can't fit into anything but my chemo yoga pants. REFUSE to buy next size up.
I also missed everyone's support and realized that being there for others was what helped heal me and get me thru this process. Remembering that it was y'all that had helped me thru the dark hours. . . and realizing that saying Thank You just doesn't seem sufficient.
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SO good to see you Claire!!! I've gained 23 pounds on a non-cancer drug!! I hear your angst!
I, too, feel frumpy. And I don't wear make-up when I don't go to work, so I really feel like a different kind of "me".
Have you been looking around for another job or do you not have to work?
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hope- I've suddenly realized this post-BC new found backbone is a double edged sword. I now find myself unable to back down from a fight when I know I am just. On one hand it feels good to stand up for my beliefs but truly hate the drama. (It's actually on another thread on here and I'm like a dog with a bone- Ruff!) LOL! Guess I have to find a happy medium.
Stanzie- I want to publically thank you for sticking up for me on the other thread. (I would do it on the other thread but it would just stir up a hornet's nest again which I think would be bad for the thread.) It means a lot that you were on my side.
Claire- ((((HUUUUUGGGGGSSSS!!!!!)))))) We've missed you. If it helps, I've also put on 20+ lbs throughout all this. Maybe we can help each other with that, too? (I need someone to seriously kick my rapidly expanding a$$!) I think a lot of us put on weight either from all the recup from surgeries, not working, Tamox, etc. Between MX, maybe recon, maybe not and weight gain we end up with these bodies that no longer feel like ours. It's hard to adjust to that I know. So glad you are back!
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Claire - glad you are back!
Kate! Whew!!! First I'm happy to stand up for you but the whole thing is just odd. I still don't really understand why the drama exists as everyone should feel free to share their experiences and not be attacked for it. So.... hopefully it will die if we all just don't bite.... Anyway, I'm proud of you for standing up for everything! Now now way you have gained 20 pounds! I think that is impossible for you but understand any pound is not what we want.
I too have gained weight and hopefully this new puppy who needs lots of walks will help me jump start the exercise program!
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Stanzie- Thank you! It helped to have so much support from everyone but, you're right, it was odd. Anyway, yep- between the foobs and the weight gain I feel unrecognizable! I've been pretty skinny my whole life (without trying, just good genes) so even though I'm not overweight I feel like I am. It just doesn't feel like me, you know?
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Morning ladies. Last night I wrote quite a lengthy post and my darn computer blinked and did not take the page. RRGGHH. To keep it short, last night a good friend called--and I feel guilty cause we were heading out the door and I told my husband to answer and tell her we were leaving.(I didn't want to talk--she can go on and on and on) I look over and see my DH slumped against the wall saying no, no, no. So I run and get on the extension and hear that one of our scout boys had been found by his father, hanging from a backyard tree. He was 14. I've known him since he was 4 and his brother was in my son's cub scout troup. He was always smiling and quite mischevious. i am just heartbroken. My youngest shut down when we told him. We couldn't give each other enough hugs last night. I am just at a loss.
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cmblastic I am so very sorry for your community and those who knew this young boy and cared for him. I can't imagine the loss and feeling of trying to understand. Everyone has their story and so often as we well know, the face we show to others is not what our hearts are feeling. Keeping you in my thoughts
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Oh Claire- I am so very very sorry. What a horrible and tragic thing to happen... I really don't know what to say. Just so very sorry- ....
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