Great saying about depression
Comments
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Barbe --that is the best advice about the projects! Keep them busy and let them know their projects are a big help to mom. Genius!
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I agree - males seems to need to fix and do something so might as well make it something useful! Brilliant!
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Hey Annie- If you're still on here there's hope for the male species. My DS came up to me yesterday and asked if there was a way he could rub my arms to make my LE better. Also said my compression sleeves didn't look "that bad" which is teen-speak for "I'm not totally rocking the look but I don't look like a geek, either". I'll take that. He starting asking more questions about the LE, too. He asked if it would go away eventually and when I said no he told me he felt really bad for me. (Empathy...from a teenager!) So I think there's hope for our DS. They just may not always know how to express it.
OK, ladies, it is hotter than blazes here and it is making me CRANKY! This is our monsoon season so we have 110*-115* but now we throw some humidity in the mix. UGH! My LE is going crazy with the heat so am being pretty sedentary which doesn't help with the depression. Going to have to get my (rapidly expanding) a$$ of the couch and onto the treadmill or dust off the WiiFit or it's going to be a loooooooooong summer!
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Kate come to Chicago!!!!! Very down the last two days. Took off the steri strips not good. Weary of this. So angry that they screwed up and I am the one having multiple surgeries, thousands extra out of pocket and not finished 2.5 years later. And won't be for awhile. Angry that people think it is vanity. Well they have areolas and nipples that are symetrical and real! Just darn angry at all of it today. I am tired of not being done. Tired of feeling like all I do is get cut on. I should have had two surgeries and been done in 6 months. I have had 7 and not done! I know I know I am not the only one with complications but right now I am just sad and weary and want to be done. I want to feel normal and not mutilated. I want to feel feminine. I want to feel like I have nothing to hide when I am undressed. And believe me these are not the feelings my hero husband is conveying it is all me. I hate this damn disease! Sorry thanks for letting me vent.
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Oh Hopeful!!!!! I am so so so sorry! I so totally understand. I hate my reconstruction and there is nothing they can do... I can't imagine how they could have screwed up so terribly! I mean didn't they look at what they were doing? 7 is a tremendous amount of surgeries for basically the same thing and NO it is not vanity but Doctor's do not get it. I even asked mine - you can't tell me your wife would be ok with not being able to wear most of her clothes to never be able to wear a bra other than a sports bra that squishes you and makes you look like you have a uni-boob, having no feeling not only in your chest but in your entire back and not being able to put your arms completely at your side without pain. And none of which I was warned about. His responce was - Yes I'm listening to you but there really are not any options that wouldn't put you at risk for LE or mess up further what you have.... You should be happy with what you have....
So Hopeful I do so understand and with that many surgeries and the nipples and areolas shouldn't be that difficult- centered, even and the same size... this is a plastic surgeron, right. The ones who you are supposed to call when you want the BEST outcome. Well, my back scars are not only uneven in the line across which is sometimes thick sometimes thinner the one side is not even with the other. I asked what the reason was for that. He honestly told me " I guess I wasn't paying attention when I drew the lines" Really he actually said that.... So I don't know. I think there are some out there who really honestly try and do their best for their patients and others who just want the money and don't care. Mine I later found out thought I should be grateful they can re-create breasts at all..... so what do I have to complain about. But I'm so so so sorry- I know you were really hoping this would give you a lovely finish to everything.... I so hope they can fix this easily and correctly. I think if one Doc screws up insurance or better yet the first doc should pay another doc to have it fixed. Then they would have to be more careful and answer to their mistakes. Why after getting this horrible disease should be have to fight just to have things done correctly.
When do you go back to the Doc. or did he/she remove the strips. If so did he give any explaination at all? Again sorry and huge ((HUGS)).
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I get so mad when BC patients are treated like we don't matter by PS's. I wish there were two kinds of PS's- ones who do reconstruction and those that deal with vanity issues. I feel like the latter are listened to and we are not. We're the ones who are disfigured in one way or another yet the ones who want barbie boobs or Angela Jolie lips or Charlize Theron nosed are catered to. We're made to feel that if we have a complaint about anything we are ungrateful or expecting too much. There just doesn't seem to be any standard of care. I wish BC patients would start a site where we rate our BS/GS and PS. Maybe if we did they'd start caring more. It's so hard when you've just been dx and you're trying to figure out all the cancer stuff and you have to go out and find a PS who is experienced, reputable, caring and professional. Sorry, but I've seen the pictures on the photo forum and some of them look like their PS was more like Jack the Ripper. It's just so wrong!!!! Hopeful and Stanzie- Not saying that's what happened to you but I wish someone would take your concerns seriously and find solutions. Everyone deserves to move forward.
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You know how when those local Lotteries get really huge- well the last time that happened I bought a ticket and the only thing I could think of - nope not paying bills, morgage, college tuition or even putting money away for my son with Down syndrome. Nope the only thing I thought about was getting really great doctors - paying them well along with fabulous counselors and such and starting the most compassionate and amazing surgery and emotional well being center for women with BC. I was surprised myself as it was about 3 days or thinking non-stop about how great it could be... of course didn't even get 1 number but it was a lovely dream.....
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Since I am still so new to the whole recon bit, I listen to all of you and am fearful for what's to come for me. I am not some one who stands up for herself at all, so I am afraid if I'm not happy with my recon I will just let it ride. I'm real good at telling others to stand up for themselves, but I hide behind the couch when it comes to me.
Hopeful, you so deserve to be happy. Damn this disease. If I could give you the biggest hug and let you know that I think you are beautiful. You are. Truly.0 -
If I had it to do over again I would go to NOLA. Now that sounds like an amazing place! Maybe if you win the lottery, Stanzie, you can open a NOLA in every major city!!!
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I agree- I wish I had gone to NOLA!
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To Stanzie, Kate, Hopefulhealing, Claire and every one of you who have had reconstruction and are unhappy with the results,
I am in agreement with Kate. There are two kinds of plastic surgeries: 1) cosmetic when it's a plumper, booster, tuck-in job and 2) all of ours, where our lives have been threatened, we are bombed with chemo and radiation, then we have our breasts amputated (sorry, but that is the truth) and we start down the road of reconstruction.
I truly believe many plastic surgeons don't tell you that it all can be made perfect with the first or maybe a slight second surgery to do 'touch-ups'. All plastic surgeons are not equally skilled or trained or caring, like if they were imagining as they operated on us that they were operating on their wives or sisters (if it's a woman surgeon).
Guess I lucked out with my plastic surgeon. She looks like she should still be in high school and is so petite she must have to stand on a stool to operate. Did many years repairing deformities in third world countries on her 'time off'. When I went to first see her she was specific and to the point of what she could and couldn't do and showed me photos of patients with my body size of how they looked before and after I would have the DM with a lat dorsi flap on the radiation side. I asked her, how about skiping the lat dorsi flap and she said it'so much of a risk and you don't start something like this with risks and the pec muscle could not be relied on to support any implant, even though I went with 200cc ones. Then, just before the surgery, with was to be nipple sparing, the PS and breast surgeon were eyeing me and talking and said it would be a very good idea to not try and save my nipples as they would be being reattached for the 3rd time and blood flow would be compromised and that could lead to infection. Here all along I was counting on having my nipples, but the nurse in me agreed, and I sailed through the 7 1/2 hours of surgery and recovery. I did have, as the PS advised me before we started, a tuck-up surgery 6 months later as the lat dorsi muscle atrophied and she put an implant in to make my bumps the same size. My lat scar on my back has disappeared and so has the horizontal scar on my non radiated breast and the football shaped scar on my other breast has disappeared also. I've had the tattooing done - 3D so I have nipples and aerolas. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or unhappy of how my bumps look and EVERY WOMAN WHO GOES THROUGH WHAT WE HAVE DESERVES THAT! I may have a 6th surgery to tuck the loose skin under my lat flap arm but so far it doesn't bother me enough to do it.
Don't these plastic surgeons know how much this kind of surgery means to us, to our hearts, souls and well-being?
For some reason too, I don't call them breasts anymore, as to me they aren't, maybe because they have no feeling or they are cold in winter but actually calling them bumps in a way lets me not expect so much out of them.
Sorry to ramble on but I think it's cruel and unfair how many here are treated by their plastic surgeons. It's like we need a name and shame list but I guess that would be libel? Is that the right word?
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It breaks my heart to read all this crap about reconstruction. I wonder if those women who get augmentation have websites that bitch about how disappointed they are in their new foobs!! As for LE Stanzie, you're already in the running to get it. Even with ONE surgery you have now compromised your lymph system, so I don't see that as an excuse. How much pride in their work do these docs have??? How can they look at themselves in the mirror every morning??
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Thanks ladies, I just can't getting tearful and crying off and on. All of this because of a hospital aquired infection that caused the loss of the nipple and distorted and incomplete areolas left behind. They were so asymmetrical they have been trying to even them out. One was much higher than the other. Now they are even at the top but the stiches they way he did it is causing the skin to pucker all along the top. And one that he moved up is not oblong and oval and big rather than round. I am just so damn weary of trying to fix their mistakes. I am scared to death for the next surgery where he is doing a full thickness graft and nipple recon. I just am so sad I just want to feel normal and not like a freak. I wish they would have just removed the entire nipple/areola complex. At least I could have even round areolas and nipples then trying to fix this nightmare. No one seems to understand this is not vanity this is trying to fix a mess! I am so sick of the I am just happy to be alive. Yes of course we are. But we have to live with our bodies too. We are alive and that is why we want to feel normal. Wow I am not usually this angry on these threads but I am about at my limit.
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Hopeful, it is totally understandable to hear how angry you are!! But is the anger being directed at the right place? Does your surgeon know you are at your limit? Perhaps s/he thinks you are good to go for a couple more 'shots' at it. I had to litteraly stamp my foot at a surgeon once and it worked! Afterwards, while I was in ICU (told him so!!) he almost apologized!!!! Sometimes they have to know that we are not just a 'project' for them, but a living, breathing woman standing in front of them.
Hugs to you, sweetie!
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Thanks Barbe so much. I had a very long talk with him actually while he was doing this last surgery. We talked about how it is not vanity, and how a mastectomy changes a womans life forever. Her sense of femininity and her intimacy. He listened and seemed to understand. I am just weary I guess. Maybe it is such a mess that it can't be fixed. He assured me at the first areola surgery in Feb that I would not look like a freak. I am weary. I have to not look back which is so hard to do. If it had gone like it was suppose to ........ 2 surgeries total and done in six months. Now we are looking at 8 plus tatooing and 3 years. I guess it is understandable to be weary. I am always so hard on myself. Deep breath. I will put one foot in front of the other, advocate for myself, be kind in my thoughts and open my eyes as wide as I can so I don't miss the goodness in my life in the midst of this hard time right now.
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hopeful, this is the place to let it out, though. Don't think you have to be Suzy Sunshine with us!!!! It's healthy to blow it out here and we hear you. It just saddens me that it even has to happen! Mastectomy is bad enough, but those of you brave enough to get recon at least deserve to be happy with it!!! I read a LOT before my masts and knew I couldn't risk the extra surgeries. But at least I knew it was over after my masts. You guys seem to have to go on and on and the docs just don't get it right!!
Weary is a good word to describe it. You can tell us like it is here, please don't think I was telling you to do anything else.
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Barbe I don't. I appreciate being able to be totally honest here. Because no one gets it except those that have gone through it. And I am also scared because I am switching to Aromasin next week and scared to death of the side effects. I have had some pretty bad side effects with the Tamoxifen and so scared of the bone pain from Aromasin and the others.
But stay in the moment. That is what I need to do. There is much to be thankful for in my life. This is just a stretch of the journey that holds tears and frustration. I will embrace it as valid and then move forward.
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I was at my Onc yesterday and the nurse asked why I wasn't on a hormonal. I had to tell her the 'sad' story of my general surgeon not thinking I needed and Onc, so I never saw one until I put my foot down and insisted and saw one 9 months after my mast. Much too late to start anything...sigh. I told the nurse that it was from this forum that I found out I should be seeing an Onc. My PCP had assumed I was being followed!! So I sit here, feeling like a time bomb.....
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Barbe I don't see why it would be too late. If you were estrogen positive you should be able to be on one. What about women who wait till after chemo?
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When I went to the onc his responce for the post menopausal drugs were for me - the risks outweighed the benefits. As I have MS he said the fatigue I have with MS would become extreme and the pain I have with MS would become extreme so he said No. My sister who was with me - somehow missed all the stuff about if I didn't have MS I would be on the drugs. Her responce was you're cured and see it wasn't even bad cause you don't have to take the drugs! HUH? We fought on the way home and she packed up and left cause as she said "I wasn't grateful enough to her". We have always had a stormy relationship. So can't begin to talk to her about my unhappiness with anything....
Hopeful - Wow.... that is a lot... Odd that if they left the aerolas that they would be distorted. So you had the 3-d nipples done while waiting for the surgery? I would think then they would already have the perfect guide if you likes how they turned out. I'm so very sorry and Yes I agree with Barb, glad you feel safe to vent here as obviously we all do! Just so wish you hadn't had this happen. I'm glad your surgeon listens and at least tries to understand... I know my PS couldn't care less. I'm floored your scars on your back have disappeared... I can't imagine mine every going away but then they are also puckered and wide then small and uneven.... but I have also weired dents up near my shoulder bone and down near my waist - no idea why and total no feeling - can't even scratch my back. What is interesting to me is what you say is the tuck in surgery where the muscle atrophies. I'm wondering is THAT what I have under my arm that is so horrible? Of course no one tells me anything. How on earth would they do the tuck in surgery? I'm thinking if I ever do try and get this fixed I'm going somewhere out of town as I don't trust anyone here.
I'm so glad you have a supportive husband! As for the tatoo once you get to that stage - don't let the PS do it- go back to whoever did the 3-d tatoo's. I hate what he did with mine. I have still 21/2 years out big red circles around the areolas and then he tatoo's very very pale pink at the same time building the nipples- wonder if that is why they are now totally flat and he says he can't do a thing about it. Anyway, if he had gone darker I wouldn't look so frankensteinish... well yes I probably would but not quite as bad - he couldn't even color and stay in the lines... Sorry everytime I keep going off on me instead of trying to cheer you up! I'm so sorry- that is very rude.
I guess I just don't know what to say as that is so many surgeries and I just can't imagine going through all that and still not happy with the results. I'm so glad you have such a supportive husband, makes me feel better about all you are going through. Wish i could help in some way!
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Stanzie, I didn't have any tatooing yet. I was a NSM that failed due to hospital acquired infections. So one week after mastectomy back in they opened both sides flushed me out and sewed me back up. During that they removed both nipples. They left the right areola pretty much intact. The left they took 3/4 of it and left the rest. Then a week later more surgery opened both sides and sewed me back up. Then two different implant exchanges. All this left me with the areolas that were not symmetrical on my chest and one much smaller and distored than the other. So Feb. 14th he tried to move one up. And June 15th he moved it up a bit more and changed the shape on the really distored one to cut off a piece that was like a tail at the top. As a result of moving the right one up again it is now an elongated oval instead of round so much bigger than it was and much bigger than the other one that was only partially there to begin with. When he stitched the two areolas at the top it left if kind of puckering. It is just a mess. The next surgery is Aug. 22nd. He says he will take a skin graft from each hip and graft an areola and nipple at the same time. Nervous because my first PS said they had to be done separately. So no scars on the back. I am going to Vinnie Meyer for my tatooing. No way am I letting a doctor do it.
I am so sorry your sister isn't there for you. And I hate MS!!!! That and BC is so much to deal with. Wow I wish we could all get together Friday and sit on the patio and sip a margarita! Would be nice to around women on the patio and talk who get it! So much of what I am going through I don't share with anyone. How embarassing to say oh yeah they cut off my nipples and left me with distorted areolas so now they are trying to fix that. Another reason this disease is isolating.
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I'm so glad to have found this particular thread. I just recently completed treatment for my recurrence and am in such a "funk" and can't seem to get out it. The first time I was diagnosed I went through treatment and while I worried a bit afterward I didn't have the trouble I am having now. I can't seem to get away from all things cancer. Its driving me crazy!
My body doesn't look the same and I don't feel the same so when I look in a mirror it is like looking at a stranger. I feel like I am slipping deeper into a black hole....like I am just sitting around waiting for the Beast to come back.
I am taking Lexapro and have been for a while but it isn't really helping anything other than me not "snapping" at folks. I guess I need to consider something else. Also, I think I'm going to start going to a BC survivor group. Maybe all this will help.
I know I should "feel my feelings and move on" but I can't seem to get out from underneath this cloud that BC has put me under AGAIN. I am sad and angry.
Thank you for listening.
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wrsmith- I'm so sorry to hear you have had a reoccurance - of course it would be more upsetting and scary! I wish I knew something more helpful to say.... This disease takes so many unexpected turns.... I don't know about Lexapro - is being irritable or not sleeping are those any of the side effects? If not then I'd say it is depression which of course all of us here get that! I'm surprised there isn't a BC support group but I guess it depends on what part of N.C. I'm so sorry... Well, we are pretty good here at listening and offering what support we can - also venting and complaining are all very much allowed and encouraged as we at least can all relate on some level. Hang in there.. what does your Onc say?
Hopeful - well goodess I certain confused everything didn't I! I really should drink coffee more often I think - just not used to it. Well, Ok so he didn't notice he pulled the one side to be more elongated and didn't smooth out the puckers? I'm afraid I always thought the two things would be separate surgeries as well. Seems like the graph would have to take before you start cutting into it? I think I'd ask about that with everything you have gone through!!
Oh I have read about Vinnie- I'd love to go to him! I wrote and asked whether they it mattered the surgeon already tattoed something... and never got an answer... Just can't imagine trying to travel these days... I'd really like to have some projection for the nipples which my PS said the only risk was they would stick out too much- Hah! They totally fell and are non-existant.
Now did you have the lat flap? how did they do that without back scars? I really would ask about how they can do it at the same time and then what happens to your hips where they took the skin.Oh Hopeful, I'm so sorry!! sounds like still a lot to go. Wish we could all be there not only meeting and talking but being there for you and with you!!
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Hey ladies..so sorry havent posted but i have been reading.
Hopeful i am so sorry you are so unhappy and still not happy with your recon. Really hoped this would be the one. I know its hard but i would keep pushing through till someone gets it right. We should never feel like we are settling with mediocre results. After my second revision i saw a friends bf who is a ps and does primarily reconstruction not to change my ps cause i love him but just to ask his opinion if i was too large...how symetry was and if i was being petty or ridiculous wanting another surgery. He said my results were good but that he thought i was too large..it gave me the confidence to discuss with my ps my desire for another revision. I told my ps i saw another ps and he was not offended and together we came up with a plan. After my 3rd set of implants i had some lipo then the nip and tattoo and finally felt good. Being happy with your recon is imho critical to your emotional healing. I would consult with as many doctors as possible until you find one that says what you want to hear and gives you hope for better results. Hell you can come to Baltimore ..stay with me and you can set up consults with several great PS here. In fact anyone wants to seek a second opionion is always welcome to stay with me in Baltimore. I will even Chauffeur you around town..and ply you with liquor of your choice.
Wrsmith welcome! Sorry you find yourself back in the fight. We are here for you..sending good vibes and strength your way! Hugs!!!!!
Barbe I started Tamoxifen after chemo almost a year after surgery. You can take it anytime but if your cancer is not invasive they dont prescribe it since you're limited as to how long you can take it and it is a powerful drug. I wish i didnt have to take it. Hopeful sorry you are nervous about changing to AI. I am concerned about what I am going to do if I am not in menopause when my 5 years of tamoxifen is up. AIs make me nervous too but I have heard lots if women do better on AI than T. I hope you are one of them.
I've lost my train of thought as this has taken me an hour to type so I will wrap it up with this..
I love you all..cherish our friendships..and long for the day we clink our glasses in a toast to our courage and perseverance.
Good night all
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What a motivational saying.
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hi guys, i've missed coming on, but have hit another "slump"..
more health issues to deal with!!one, i knew i had, but didn't "know".. i have such a bad UTI, its now involving my bladder.. went to the gyn a few days ago, for another reason , (on another thread ) and, he mentioned my urethrea looked dark, see your urologist.. i thought my bladder was beginning to prolapse, as itt did a few yrs ago.. so ignored it. the yard work was the reason my back was hurting, etc.. etc..
nope, ive been bleeding in the urine (tmi sorry ) for months, but i thought it was just dark!!!
so, on anti bs for a week, ten days, and then, when the cultures in, to the hospital or stay home..
i told him no way was i going , till we had a culture.. he said it only cut a day or two off, waiting for his culture. and, (at the time) i thought barb A, and Marybe were going to be here this wkend to visit.. since then, they've cancelled their tripo, but the hospitals not the place for me w/ immune system problems, anyway....
i hope all the stuff with the kids straightens out, i know my older in their 30's kida didn't react well, when i was dxed, nor are dealing well with my ms.. i have 3 boys (men) really.. i think they notoriously avoid if they can, esp because its "boobs" even at 35; my oldest jay still thinks its' "naughty" to talk about.. or distressing, he once asked e a serious question, 2 1/2 yrs ago..
what will you do to have sex? so, shows you right where their mind goes..
miss ya all.. 3jays
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I feel so much anger, pain and frustration in a lot of the recent posts and understandably so. It's so hard to move on when you're being constantly challenged with yet another issue. Everyone portrays BC as such a piece of cake- a single surgery where they make you good as new and cancer free, you get new boobs bigger and better than the old ones, your hair (if you lost it) grows back thick and luxurious....WA LA!!! It's over and done and you've grown a new fondness for 60 mile walks and the color pink. What a joke. Nothing could be further from the truth. The new boobs aren't better- sometimes they're a nightmare. The hair isn't looking so hot. You're never going to feel good as new and you won't know if you're cancer free until you die of something else. BC is one of the hardest cancers because we have a very visible, important, sensuous and intimate part of ourselves amputated and yet its the one that is wrapped up in sugary sweet pinkness and light. I think that's why it's so hard to process the feelings of ANGER! No one prepares you for it. And our doctors (who I think sometimes forget we're their patients not cadavers to practice on) don't understand or validate that anger.
Hopeful- I think with each surgery that anger builds because it isn't how it was supposed to go. Each surgery is more pain, time, recovery and money that shouldn't have been necessary. Someone else's actions are causing you to go through that experience once again. I think all the emotions you are feeling are completely valid. I'm amazed you've been able to be as positive and upbeat as you've been. Have all your surgeries been with the same PS because I think I would have bailed on the guy a long time ago. Have you thought about getting a second opinion on how to make things right?
wrsmith- I wanted to welcome you, too. I'm sorry you've had to deal with a recurrence. None of this seems fair but that always seems like a particularly cruel deja vu. Your mx was just a few months ago and that seemed to be the time my emotions hit the hardest especially the anger and depression. As far as the Lexapro, it does take about 6-8 weeks for full effect. If it's been that long and you're still not seeing any improvement I would ask your doctor about switching to something else. There's a lot of trial and error with anti-d's finding one that works with SE's you can tolerate. I think I originally tried 6 different ones before I found the one that works for me (Wellbutrin). I think what has helped the most, though, was finding some "kindred spirits" on this thread who were honest about their struggles. It helped me feel not so alone to know that other women were dealing with the same emotions I had been.
3jays- I am so sorry you're having to deal with yet another medical issue. Talk about cruel and unfair. I know you must be exhausted by all this. I agree- avoid the hospital at all costs if you can. Hope they can find out what's going on with just the culture and there is an easy fix. Hope you and your DH were able to patch things up as I know you need him by your side more than ever right now. (((hugs)))
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Kate that is so perfectly stated!!! Can I use the first part in a symposium I am going to possibly be speaking at? The first PS did a good job it is just a mess from the failure of the NSM. I went to the second because he did fat injections and mine didn't. So I will see him on the 16th for pre op discussion. If I don't feel good about it will go somewhere else. Thanks so much for your support. I again am really working on letting the anger go. I hate anger but know it is valid in this circumstance. I am trying very hard to see the blessings by opening my heart and eyes to that around me. My hero husband is so loving and caring and supportive. I want to work through these emotions so my precious time is spent in joy. But I am honest about this journey. My mantra "maintain the honesty of the journey" so I won't pretend that it isn't hard or filled with a roller coaster of emotions. You said it perfectly. People want to surgar coat it in pink! GAG ME! So I am not as sad today and becoming aware that it will take time again to come back after this. That is ok, as long as I keep trying.
wrsmith, I am sorry you find yourself in the deep hole. It takes so much energy to keep trying when you are so low. It is understandable to feel sad and angry. It is hard to look out and see the world seemingly moving along normally when your life is now so changed. It's like you want to yell out "hey don't you know I have BC and I am going through this horrible time" But then ha if you are like me and so terribly private still to this day I would have to yell it in code
Not trying to make light of it at all. But life goes on around us and somehow we have to figure out how to live in it again with BC. I go to a mastectomy support group and it is so wonderful to be able to say outloud EXACTLY how I am feeling and know they get it even if they haven't gone through exactly a certain thing. They know the change you feel the sadness at what you've lost. You can be safe there. 3jays again I am so sorry for this new problem you are dealing with. You are due a break and time to recover and gain strength! I will send hugs and warm thoughts that you have a restful weekend.
Stanzie I actually emailed pictures to Vinnie. Sure hope he has a secure email!!!! Then I talked to him by phone. I think he may be in New Orleans in Dec. or Jan and hoping I am done and recovered from my August surgery so I can go there and have him finish me up. Would be cool if you could go then too!!!!!
Diane, Kate, Stanzie, Barbe, hope I didn't miss anyone I can't tell you what your support has meant to me these last couple of days. To not be judged for feeling angry has helped me to put it aside and take those steps forward again. To open my eyes wide so I don't block out the blessings.
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I knew you folks would "get me".....and I am so appreciative.....there are no words to express my thankfulness for each of you. I am trying to count blessings but sometimes its so hard. I saw some of our military heroes on TV last night and their struggles after being wounded in ways that I can hardly even imagine and I said, "They are brave and take everything in stride....why can't I?" Except the difference between those guys and us is they volunteered to defend our country.....none of us volunteered for any of this! And I can't imagine being without an arm or leg....but then I could never imagine being without my breasts either. They have a difficult job and don't get me wrong....I am thankful for each and everyone of their sacrifices. But I realized that I can't compare myself to them.
I've actually been on Lexapro for almost 5 years....since my first BC....but it's not really working for me anymore. I'll see my Onc. in September so I'll ask then.
Stanzie, you asked about my Onc. I have two of them and I haven't mentioned this to them yet. I refused chemo again because I didn't think it had done me any good the first time. In fact, I am pretty pissed about all the "treatments" we have to go through. They said...."A lumpectomy with chemo and rads will be every bit as good as a mastectomy" but it wasn't. They said....."chemo works really well for Triple negs" but it didn't. They said...."radiation will cut down to almost zero for any remaining cells in your breast" but it didn't. So I had a mastectomy the second time and refused everything else. Now I wait. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY! I feel like I should be able to just get over it and move on. I did the first time. This time.....well I am a mess!
Thanks for all the welcomes and cyber hugs. I pray the blues go away for all of us and the BEAST is put out of all of our miseries! One day.....soon, I hope.
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I told someone recently that going through BC can seem like a long dark tunnel but all of you wonderful women are like flashlights along the way! You may feel like you're standing in the dark but your light is helping someone else find their way. (((hugs)))
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