Great saying about depression
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MBJ,
I do hope you are feeling better soon.... I too have been feeling bad more than usual these last couple of days. Our dog, Mulder, just had knee surgery and it's been rough. No mall shopping for me until "Mulder" is feeling better. I'm just feeling lost, anxious and sad, all at the same time.
I hope your appointment with your PS goes well. I always start to feel really anxious before I see my PS. I don't really know why, I just do. I see him next Friday, February 4th.
Hugs to you.......
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MBJ- That's exactly how I feel- like there's a cloud over my head. I know I need to do something but feel absolutely stuck. I can't seem to get done the things I need to, make appointments for things, etc. I was spending too much money, too, so just started staying home watching t.v. I know it's not healthy but I can't seem to summon up the energy to do something different. I hope your appointment went o.k. today. (((hugs)))
Determined- The party sounds like a great idea. Something to look forward to and what a thoughtful gift for everyone. I love a bargain!
For those of you in the winter doldrums, on top of everything else, just want to say my door (in sunny 70 degree weather just outside Phoenix) is always open!
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MBJ Sorry you are feeling so down. Whenever I am down I surround myself with my friends kiddies, they always do the trick. Today I am heading out to see my nieces field hockey tournament. I used to coach her in outdoor hockey for 7 years. Now she plays HS varsity and indoor with lots of other girls I coached as well. I was coaching their team when I was diagnosed, the season ended right before my surgery. I swear they were the only fun moments I had in those very long dark weeks. Some days I would think I don't have it in me, I don't feel like being the coach today, but then I would get there and those feelings would melt away. Not to mention hitting a ball with a stick gets out some good aggressions. When I am around my niece (who is 14) it reminds me of what I am fighting for..I wanna be there for her always. The times I coached her will always be so special to both of us. It's our thing and we love that we have that.
You just gotta find that thing you love to pull you out. I know in the dark moments you don't think it will work but it will...and slowly you will feel joy again.
I hope you all have a great Saturday...warm and sunny...NO MORE SNOW!
Diane
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When I'm really bad I'll change something. Yesterday I moved 2 living room chairs and painted their wood frames aluminum!! They have purple upholstery and they look amazing! Really cheered me up. The paint was $13. That's a cheap fix. It's the little things that work for me, not the big gestures. Those chairs were there when I came down this morning and made me smile again.
Life is colour, the rest is details!!
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Well did not have the best of weekend. Date nite with DH did not turn out as planned. Went to a new restaurant that was nice but too $$$. Will stick to the French Bistro we like. Either coming down with a cold or allergies. Cold front due in to the Bid D just in time for the Super Bowl festivities. Hope it does not delay my Rads treatments this week. Suppose to be nasty tomorrow and Wednesday.
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It is always the small things usually that bring the most pleasure. Getting a picture on my phone of my grandson always makes my day. Seeing the birds at the bird feeder, having my hand in my husbands. Looking out and seeing a beautiful sunset or sunrise.
But as always this disease and its after affects will sneak up on us. We may be doing well and then all of a sudden something reminds us of how it was before BC or what we have lost and it all comes rushing back.
I think then we go with what we are feeling and work through it for as long as it takes.
MJBmiller, I am sorry your date night wasn't what you had hoped. Hope your cold is short lived.
Barbe cool with the chairs!!!!! It is always so cool too when you create something!
Okay I have to tell you I really lost it this weekend. Went to a play which was great but there were women in skimpy lingerie. All perfectly acceptable. Play was called Don't Dress For Dinner and was great. But........ I watched them and all I could think about is what I have lost. (All of us that have had breasts removed) (and please don't get upset I am not saying anything about women who have had lumpectomies I know they have issues as well) I thought I don't move anymore, I can't feel anymore, I am not normal. On and on and I ended up so angry and screaming once we got home. My husband said it was good I got it out. But I hate anger. Does that happen to you guys? Will it get better when I see women who are normal......... will I not feel sad or get angry in time? It just brings it all back smack in your face. Even if you have a decent reconstruction or made the decision not to reconstruct.
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Determined, I know what you mean. My DH watches a lot of "Vegas", and the boob shots are amazing. I used to have boob envy, but you know what? After seeing so much of it (I do crosswords or sit on the computer near the TV), I'm actually immune to them. I asked him the other day, believe it or not, if HE wasn't getting immune to them. He smiled.
I think guys look at boobs like we look at shoes and purses. We love most of them, but don't expect to get them ALL......
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I'm so glad you all started talking about this. I find even looking at regular clothes catalogue's depressing as I can see all these women with their natural breasts and it just breaks my heart. My daughter is just getting breasts and it brings up so many conflicting emotions and fear and just everything. It is amazing how much breasts mean to us females - not the whole male thing about boobs but just for us and what we look and feel like and Ugh! I miss my breasts so much but my in my brain I knew I had to do what I had to do so I can see my children grow up which is more important in real life just not in my own personal private life and thoughts and feelings.
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barbe you make me laugh....... thanks for that.
I am glad stanzie I am not the only one. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me. We are grieving. I think I have mentioned before my husband found an article about the stages of grief related to breasts. It takes on average two years to get to acceptance. I am really sad about this too. And I get so upset with women who have their breasts that minimize our loss. I miss the nipples and touch and movement. I hate it. I made the decision to have a bilateral when I could have had a lumpectomy. After final path I know it was the right decision but I just am so sad about the loss. My husband looked down when the actresses bent over and you could see their breasts out of concern for me. Of course he is a male and I can't expect him not to look at women etc. But I thought that was so sweet. But I still got so damn angry about not having mine when I got home. It just makes my stomach hurt.
And what is bad is the fact when they talk to you about your surgery they don't go into this at all. Mine just said well you won't be able to feel anything. Quickly and moved on. They need to discuss this emotional impact so we are aware of it!
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I don't think they CAN discuss the emotional impact because they have NO idea!
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Since I am still in transition, Rt TE out, Lf TE still in, I thought I would be more upset about having the left one removed to. Ya know, there is no feeling there so other than the physical aspect of it, it is like there is nothing there too. I never thought I would grieve them but I do. I had cleavage for a about a month before they took the right TE out and it was kind of nice. I find I look at other women's breast now, does that make me weird? I hope not, cuse I look and feel the loss.
Thats the hardest part of this is the loss of something you had and other women have.
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It is - I agree mjbmiller. There is a weird sort of jealousy there. I wouldn't wish this on any female friend or foe but it is hard not to be jealous.
determined - I feel that too - so upset and hurt and angry and sad that my stomach hurts too. How awful to still be feeling this so strong. I'm now a year out tomorrow from diagnosis. I remember that horrible phone call - every second of it and just knowing everything is now changed forever. I feel like at that moment I went into shock and in some ways still haven't come out yet.
I never understood what having something part of you ( meaning skin) still be your own but having no feeling at all and no awareness if I'm bumped or hit or run into something cause they have no feeling - not even numbness as my back still is but my " breasts" nothing. How can there be nothing! How can Doctor's think that nothing is alright? Do you think they really just think as along as they look like breasts then we should be happy!
I still want to wake up from this horrible dream and find out this didn't really happen. How awful is that?
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It's so hard having these emotions that seem so foreign to who I was before....anger, envy, sadness. Having these feelings all the time is like wearing an over sized coat that doesn't belong to you and never being able to take it off. A bathing suit catalog arrived in the mail today and it was just so depressing. I used to see those before and the only thing I had to worry about was whether or not I would fill out the top. Now I wonder if this one would cover my biopsy scar. Or that one would cover the rippling from the implants. I hate it. My DH is wonderful. He tells me all the time he thinks I'm beautiful but in my mind I'm not. Even though I was small breasted all my life I never wanted implants. I always thought they were so fake and didn't understand women who had augmentation. And now that I have them I feel like some kind of freakish Barbie doll (without the tiny waist). I know I could take them out but I'm just not that brave. I just wouldn't feel whole without breasts but that's just me. Of course, I don't feel whole now....more like half, maybe? Not sure what the answer is but maybe it is just more time like everyone says.
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Well if nothing else I think the fake breasts are a convience in not having to stuff bras to make clothes fit. Now granted I have tons of clothes that would look fine if I was flat as I was and still am on the small side. I have wondered about not having anything and sometimes wonder if that might be easier in some ways. Maybe later but for now I need to have breasts of some kind for myself to least feel more like a girl! That is something that feels like it has been taken away in part. I guess it is society's facination with breasts but I don't feel as feminine with fake breasts - I guess losing the sensation takes a lot of that away as getting that sensual feel even brushing up against my own breast would give me. I So Hate this!!! As much as I hate it for myself I feel like the younger ones on this site have it even worse and that makes me sad to think about.
Oh, and Kate - I've seen those pictures on the other thread and Yes you do too have a Barbie waist!! You are a very beautiful woman and I know your husband really does mean it when he tells you how beautiful you are! I also know in general how hard it is for most women to really accept compliments but in light of bc - I know you all are beautiful on the inside so we all need to try and at least feel beautiful on the outside. At least I'll try for today!
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I go flat. I'm sure some of you hear have read me on other threads. I wear my flat chest like a shield. I am proud of fighting cancer and winning. No one asks stupid questions like "it's all over?" because the evidence is right there (not there!) in front of them.
I truly believe that staying flat has been what has helped me the most. The pain was non-existent, one surgery, done. I have "proof" that I had cancer. People can argue all they want about "how good I look" but my flat chest is my shield from the world.
I am known for saying "why should I wear fake boobs to make YOU feel better?" I said that BEFORE my diagnosis. I kinda knew this time that this was it......
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Stanzie- You summed it up perfectly- "I don't feel as feminine with fake breasts". I feel the same way yet I wouldn't feel feminine without any breasts. (Again, barbe, that's just me and I truly admire your bravery in going without.) So I think for me the hardest part of having BC is I feel like I've lost my femininity, my softness. Not just physically but emotionally, too. I feel like I've hardened a lot from the physical changes and the constant feelings of anger, sadness, envy that I talked about before. I know I'm stronger which I consider a feminine trait but in all the other ways I just don't feel like the girl/woman I used to be. And I don't know how to get that back.
P.S. (Thanks, Stanzie, for your sweet comments. You are such a good friend!)
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Kate, no offense would ever be taken!!! I do NOT understand how and why I am handling this so well. I know my Dad is probably spinning in his grave (Mom, not so much). So I have no pressure from anyone to try to look normal. I kinda like being different, like when I had 38D's and no one else in my class had breasts yet. But that made me grow to be ashamed in some way...hey, maybe I'm having a breakthrough here!
Only one guy ever said anything, I used to work with him and went up and visited the store. He was actually going out with a double mast women who wore foobs. He said "It's natural for a woman to have curves." What I SHOULD have said was "It's natural for a man to have a large penis". What I did say was what about women who DO have small breasts?
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barbe again you make me laugh!
Kate I am so right there with you. My husband says the same thing. I just don't feel the same. I am weary is what I tell him. Weary of the sadness, anger and envy as you talk about. Weary of the fear of reoccurance and not growing old with my husband. We are invited to a black tie event this Sat. I didn't know it was black tie when we accepted the invitation from my husbands boss. When I found out I literally went into a panic. Will I look ok in a dress like that. Will people be able to tell. I feel like a phony and yet I too am not as brave as barbe.
So sad as you said Stanzie of not being soft and the intimacy change is something I hate!!
Why can't I just accept the change like barbe and move forward. Why do I feel embarrased and ashamed that I don't have breasts of my own. The idea of someone knowing tears me apart.
I think I am a mess
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When I went for my gyn apt. I felt like I had to remind her so she wouldn't be shocked and she is a doctor! How warped is that?
Barb, interesting what you said about being different. It sounds like in regard to this particular thing you are in a better place accepting being different from what you were and perhaps that is what we are struggling with at the core. Different from what we were and different from the rest of a lot of the female world. We are different now inside and out and who does like change? Change is hard and uncomfortable and very scary.
This is certainly not to dismiss or discount the loss but just on a different plane of thinking just the core of being different. I was born with a deformed foot/leg. In reality I was extremely lucky as Mom took Thalidomide but only for two days and I was born without some muscles in my right leg and foot. I'm fine now - Had surgery when I was 8 and had to relearn how to walk. Anyway I have always felt defective and I was about OK with it all and now this. So it is just hard.
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Stanzie - you are courageous.
I went to the store yesterday to get cami's since my rads tx is making my skin red and sore. I had to make a decision to either get ones with cups or with out. I decided without looking, to the future. I saw all the Valentine garb that is out, and looked at how pretty they were. I almost touched them to see how they felt, but didn't and walked away. Ya know surprisingly I was ok with that. I do not feel embarrassed any more and starting to get comfortable with myself. My DH's step mom emailed me and told me she bought a cami and how it made her feel free. In a way that made me feel good that she was thinking about me.
Girls I will keep you in my prayers, praying for peace of mind for us all.
P.S. at first opportunity I think we should all go and buy something soft and feminine that no one but us knows about and wear it proudly. The cami has helped me feel better.
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OK, I'm in...
I've been trying to pull myself out of the funk for a long time, and it isn't working. It is so much easier when I can talk with people who "get it."
My latest plunge into the darkness began three weeks ago, the night before I had my 1 year old Lab neutered. I cried. I bawled. I wept. I know it really wasn't about him, but it was about me and all that I've been through over the last three years. One of my major issues has been dealing with my reality that I will not be able to give birth to my own children. I KNEW why I was crying, and I just let myself cry - which felt great because I haven't been able to cry much through this whole ordeal. Barbe, I liked your quote a few pages back about not being able to release our emotions after BC. (The quote about a mom being able to lift a car off a child...)
I'm just trying to be kind to myself these days.
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Barbie - I am with you on crying, we need to let our anger out. I think I am going to ask DH to put a punching bag in the garage with a Big C on it and go punch it when I darn well want to.
For so many years we have all put ourselves on the back burner, put significant other and children first, well not to sound to selfish. It is me time right now.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Ahhhh, I see the problem! We just have to "relearn to walk". Couldn't have said it better myself! Maybe I'm just a keener, or maybe I was expecting it all my life as there is so much cancer in my family that I dealt with it, before I had to deal with it.
I remember once my big bro said to me "Do you think the world revolves around you?" Well......yah. Who the heck does YOUR world revovle around? I liken it to the flight attendant telling us to put OUR oxygen mask on first before we try to help our children. We'll be no good to them if we pass out. So I guess I've always lived that way. I look after me (but not to the point of hurting others) first and then the people around me. Am I selfish sometimes? YEP!!!! Have I learned to say no? YES!!!!
So....the big question is, "Who does your world revolve around?"
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barbie 7 I am sorry you will not be able to have the children you wanted. It is so important to accept our grief as normal and ok! I think we get into trouble when we try to be the positive pollyannas everyone wants us to be. Then we stuff it and it will just make the journey longer. Not to say we let the whole world see but those trusted friends and family that will be there to hold us when we cry and not be afraid when we yell.
mjbmiller I like the idea of the punching bag but wow would it make it feel funny when you punch. It feels so wierd even when I go to plump a pillow I can't imagine how it would feel punching a bag.
we are covered in snow and it is beautiful!
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Determined - I see what you are saying, it would have to be a foam punching bag.
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Hello BCO friends!
It has been a long while since my last post (Dec. 19th!). I'm not entirely sure why I've been away, except that for awhile there I really didn't want to chat about cancer anymore, especially during the holidays. Then I found myself getting into a major funk for quite some time, especially around the topic of depression, changing SSRI meds to work with tamoxifen, and starting radiation in late December. Sometimes I felt like I was the Debbie downer, and other times I felt myself getting sucked into a pity party, and I didn't like either of those scenarios. My typical response to uncomfortable situations is to bail out, so that's what I did. A bit of information overload, crisis responses, and alarming "what if" scenarios. There's only so much a girl can take!
I went back to work, part-time, on January 3rd, which was about the end of my 2nd week of radiation. The fatigue kicked my booty and "re-entry" wasn't so good. One day I went home and took a nap from 4:30pm to 8:00pm, got up and had a bowl of cereal for dinner, then went right back to bed and slept until 9:00am the next morning. I knew to expect fatigue, but I didn't expect it to be so severe.
Having been back to work for a month, I now completely understand "chemo brain". I am nowhere near the sharp-minded gal I used to be and made several mistakes in those first few weeks. I've been double- and triple-checking my work because I'm so unsure of myself. Just today I went to a meeting that isn't scheduled until Thursday. Then, this evening (Tuesday), I thought it WAS Thursday and wanted to be sure to record Grey's Anatomy. Very disheartening to think I am that checked out.
Today was my last regular radiation treatment. All in all, the 28 radiation treatments over the last 5 ½ weeks were bearable, but somewhat "trying" and exhausting. It took a total of about 2 hours every day, including drive time. Add to that at least 4 hours at work plus an hour drive time for that commute, and the days are about as full as I can handle for now. I started out using Miaderm cream on my skin every day during treatment. As for side effects from the radiation, I developed a 3" oval black spot (yes, black!) in the lower region of my armpit about the end of the 2nd week. That spot proceeded to peel, but started to heal up pretty quickly. By the 3rd week I began to develop more skin "breakdown" in two different areas, which quickly became (and remain) quite raw and painful. My RO gave me Silvadene cream along with a lidocaine gel to mix with it. That combination certainly brings comfort to my sad skin. When the pain is strong enough to wake me during sleep, I take Percocet. The rest of the time I take prescription strength Naprosyn, which is 2½ times the over-the-counter strength of Aleve.
I've had a couple episodes of near-meltdown during radiation. One day, while I lay on the table, I felt like I was sort of floating but also being pushed around the room, which is understandable since the table moves and the machine moves around me. I guess fatigue and stress can make you sort of hallucinate during those vulnerable times. I just felt really light-headed and loony. Another day, my breast was so sore I just did not even want to go to the clinic. It took every bit of grit I could muster to stay still on the table until the treatment was over. The techs who handle my treatments are awesome but I just don't want to fall apart on their shift. They have so many people to take care of.
Certainly there has been so much activity on my favorite topics that I have missed, and I hope you all don't think less of me for being away. I found so many discussions here SO helpful and all you ladies (and a few men!) so supportive; I know that my knowledge resources were vastly improved just for reading all your posts. I will continue to check in occasionally and will post when I can. This has been an indescribable year of changes for us all and I pray each of you are coping the best you can, making the best of the life you have ahead of you, and that all of us will increase the numbers of survivors for future statistics in years to come.
I've copied this same post to my "Favorites" -
How about drinking?
December 2010 Rads
2010 Sisters
Sept. 2010 - Anyone starting chemo?
Stage II w/Lymph Node Involvement
Great saying about depression
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barbe- As a former flight attendant I loved the oxygen mask analogy. We do need to take care of ourselves first before we can be there for others. I've been feeling so guilty because it felt like I was taking too much time grieving. But how much is too much? I just know I'll be no use to anyone else until I can process all this and accept it.
Determined- This is one of those times I wished we all lived in the same town because we would all come and pick you up and go dress shopping! We'd find you some smokin' hot little number that would be so gorgeous that for one amazing night you would forget all about MX's! If only we could....
Stanzie- Of course you've felt defective....because they call it a birth defect. Hell, couldn't they come up with a better name that that?!? Birth specialness? Birth uniqueness? What's a kid to think when anything that's defective gets returned to the store? Glad you're o.k. now. I kind of feel, though, like maybe we all have a cancer defect now.
Barbie7- You have so much more to mourn than just the loss of your breasts. It's giving up the future you thought you'd have. I'm so sorry you had to lose that, too. I can see how the vet appointment would set off those feelings of sadness. This disease just really sucks, sucks, sucks. (((hugs)))
MrsNice- Rads AND going back to work? You are my hero! Glad you are all done with your treatments and that the SE's will soon fade.
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Don't know why that came out in two different fonts. Weird. My computer sometimes has a mind of its own!
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okay I finally did it. I had the pictures prior to sugery that the PS took. I had them give them to me. I have not been able to look at them until now. A little over a year from the surgery. I think because I was suppose to keep my nipples and didn't get to with the infections. My husband was with me at my request. A few tears but not as bad as I thought. I think if I can get the areola mess figured out and my revision it will be better. The areolas are now uneven.
You are so right this really sucks sucks sucks!!
How fun to go shopping for a smokin hot dress with you ladies!!!!
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MrsNice welcome back, do not think your bad for being away. Going back to work has to have been a struggle. I did have the oppourtunity to work through the whole process, some days I wished I took the time off, but keeping busy really helped keeping me sain.
I also wished we could all be together as a group. But I will take what I can get. Thanks you all.
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