Great saying about depression
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Hmmm, no postings for 4 days. Is that a sign we're all starting to feel better or too depressed to get to the computer? I, for one, feel a little like Sybil (sp?) in that one day I'm feeling kind of normal and the next feeling depressed and angry again. I think every time I have a good day my DH rejoices thinking the dark days are gone forever. (He's kind of a glass 3/4 full kind of guy.) I sometimes wonder if we'll always have dark days where we curse our fate? Sometimes I feel like I'm being a spoiled brat moaning about all these issues. (I should be happy to be alive, right? So nothing else should matter?) But today is one of those dark days and it is what it is- I'm mad, and sad and missing my old life and body. Hating the implants, scars, numbness, fear of recurrence...I could go on and on. I'm just grateful that I can come on here and share that and know I won't be judged (or hopefully thought of as a spoiled brat). Thanks for listening.
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Hi Kate. I'm also having a dark day. I even cancelled a job interview I had this afternoon. A large part of my depression is due to being unemployed. I had started a new job that didn't work out a couple months before my diagnosis. The BC put my job search on hold for awhile and it's so hard to have to look for a job now. Of course, the BC stuff still gets me down. I hate seeing my scars everyday when I get out of the shower, and I'm still not feeling 100% physically. I'm still so fatigued and even though my exchange surgery was 2 1/2 months ago, I still have some pain.
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Kate and LG300 sorry you guys are having dark days. It is amazing how it is like you said, one day you are thinking I can do this and it is ok and the next it is back full force and you feel so sad or angry or not feminine or mutilated or scared or all of them at once. I do have to say though the intensity has lessened. My son told me over the weekend, "You never go out of the house" not quite true but I am much less social than I use to be. He said you don't smile or laugh like you use to. That is true. My husband says that he is seeing me come back slowly. It takes time ladies. No one can tell us how long it should take or what our particular journey should look like. It is a long long process. I would hug you all if I could.
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Determined, that is so nice that your husband has noticed you "coming back". You done good!
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I know we all have those low days of not feeling good and not wanting to go out into the world. It is good when you do have something to occupy your mind like work and family. I have worked through as much of this as I can, the department I work in has been so understanding, and I am lucky enough to have been here 7 years to get the need time off for surgery and when needed during chemo. The best thing I can say is stay as busy as you can. Get out of the house more often (talking to myself here).
My DS is on a sleep over tomorrow, DH and I are having a date night. Dinner and a movie? or just dinner and jazz? Somewhere nice anedquiet.
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Oooh, we will "date" vicariously through you!
I think the couple days of sunlight we've had this week has helped me. It has been a dastardly gray winter! The worst in my collective memory. Usually we have glorious blue skies where it's so cold your nostrils stick together. Not this year...sigh. I LOVE my nostrils sticking together!
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barbe1958 funny lady
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Sunshine helps but not always. It is a beautiful 75 degrees today and I still have breast cancer! I should take the time to appreciate the day and what I do have but it's hard to when you don't have your health. I don't think anyone here thinks anyone is a spoiled brat. But I do think we should all be spoiled! and we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves--it's ok to feel down as long as it doesn't interfere with activities of daily life all the time. Hugs to everyone.
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Melly, you can come here and be as miserable as you want and we won't make you smile. Not to worry. This is a safe venue to rant and rave. I was just saying that I missed the sun this winter. Didn't say it would make me happy!
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Barbe1958- Really not to worry. I have been reading your posts for awhile now and enjoy them. I was hoping the sun could make life better! But when it sucks, it sucks1
I love reading and posting here--good, bad or ugly.
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I had a dark day yesterday- just wanted to curl up on the couch. today was better, I got out and did a bunch of stuff.
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Kate: I have been in a funk all week and yesterday I just had a complete meltdown! I couldn't stop crying for the life of me--I saw the bad instead of the good in everything and I felt as if I had fallen into a deep well and couldn'g get out!
I don't think we are spoiled, I for one just still feel broken! I didn't dare go anywhere yesterday I was in such a state. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves the luxery of crying and when we are ready it will stop.
I get so frustrated that my brain and my body no longer works the way it should--tomorrow I go see the PS about getting nipples and he doesn't want to do the type of surgery I want but I think I will look so lopsided if I just have the nipple only done with a tattoo for an areola--there isn't any way it's going to look real next to the real thing! I am really upset about it. I also have a friend who is stage 4 and I keep thinking, this could be me a year from now! She and I have the same type of BC, and aggressive, ugly, sneaky b$%^#@d!! of a cancer and she has it all in her bones, liver, kidneys--and she is such a trooper--still going around to different dr's trying to get better. She found her BC on her honeymoon and has gone through all of this BC stuff the last two years of their life together. BC just sucks!
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LG300- I think we have talked before as I'm job hunting (although half heartedly) too. My exchange was June and I'm not even feeling 100% yet. I think about trying to work full time and it seems so overwhelming. It's just hard to have a lot of self confidence right now, too, to even get through an interview. I was job hunting when I got my DX a year ago and interviews scared me to death. Now they make me practically catatonic! LOL!
Determined- My son's (14) has also made comments about how I'm no fun anymore. It makes me feel so guilty- like I'm this bitter old woman. Unfortunately he's too old for me to fake being happy but not old enough to get it why I'm not.
mjbmiller- I hope you have a wonderful date night! My DH (pilot) is flying the next 4 days so my date night will be with Ben & Jerry's (Cherry Garcia)!!!
barbe- Nostrils....lol! Love your sense of humor. You always make me smile! :-D
Ok I have decided that tomorrow (NO EXCUSES) I am going to get off my (rapidly expanding) a$$ and get out in the world and do something, anything. Who's in?!?
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Hi Ladies, I'm having a meltdown. I have this friend who had a mastectomy because of bc. I respect her decision. She calls me tonight and tells me I've made the wrong choice with lumpectomy, it will return and I will not survive just like her friend. I need to go and have the mastectomy now so I can survive bc. Frankly she scared the shit out of me. I'm in the middle of chemo, still have rads to go through and now she's got me thinking I don't have a chance anyway. Home alone, hubby business trip and stuck on the east coast, kids working and I'm thinking I'm fighting for nothing cause I didn't make the right choice anyway!!!
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Kate, I agree that thinking about working full time right now seems overwhelming, but I really need to start working again (unless I win the lottery). Regarding getting off your a$$ and doing something, as I said, I couldn't even make it to an interview today. I did finally get out and go to the post office (I wanted to send my COBRA payment via certified mail), which was a huge accomplishment for me. It was even more of an accomplishment because we had 19 inches of snow in NY and although they plowed the roads, the intersections were a mess (it was a good stay to stay in).
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Maureen- With friends like that you don't need.....well, you know the rest. I would never question anyone's decision about their treatment choices. And I assume you were given a choice because your surgeons felt that either option was a safe choice. My guess would be that your friend is now regretting her decision and that it really doesn't have anything to do with yours. You're not fighting for nothing- you're fighting for your kids, your husband and yourself. (Your friend is on her own.) We support you here- NO MATTER WHAT!
LG300- 19" of snow! HC! I'd stay inside, too! OK, those of you with precipitation to deal with are off the hook. Those of us (like me) who have 70 degree weather have no excuse tomorrow! LOL!
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Maureen - you are following through with treatments, you are doing eveything you can to survive this desease. Weather or not you had a mastectomy or not mean it will come back. Each case of BC is different than the next. I had a BMX and if I did not do treatments, I had 55% chance of coming back. Do what your Dr. recomends for you. Your friend was wrong to call you about your choice. I ditto Kate.
How about some cyber mall walking this weekend anyone up for it. Go to your fav. store pick a few things try them on, does not mean you have to buy if you do not want to.
Well I hope the DH and I get out tomorrow night, last time the DS was at a sleep over, we wigged out and stayed at home.
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Maureen, there is another thred where you get to cyber "throw him/her under the bus" people who say dumb or stupid things to you. I think this "friend" is overdo for an under the bus experience. Half empty of the glass person, she is worse - she's minus the glass!!! Karen
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Maureen I am sorry you had to hear that especially when your husband was not home. This disease is scary. I am hoping her intent was because she cares so much for you. But there really is no statistically different outcomes for survival in studies on lumpectomy versus mastectomy. I am certain it depends on each specific tumor. You made a decision that was right for you based on the information you had at the time. So that means it was the right decision period. Each of us makes decisions based on our past history, comfort levels, medical indications etc. You are doing chemo and rads. You are doing everything you can. I hope today is a better day for you. And I think it is perfectly acceptable to say to her that type of comment makes you uncomfortable and it upsets you so please don't bring it up again.
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Maureen I had a double mast knowing that my chances of recurrence were the SAME if I'd just had lumpectomy and rads. There is NO difference. Trust me!!! I did it my way just to get rid of the things. Made it easier to get back to work quicker without rads or chemo. That's all.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ all my sisters! }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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mjbmiller- I like the mall walking idea! Now if I could just learn to window shop only!
Maureen- Hope you are feeling better today and that your husband is home soon. If not, surround yourself today with supportive people in your life. Or come here....we're here for you!
barbe- (((((((HUGS))))))) to you, too!
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Maureen- my doctor said the same as Barb. No difference on outcome just different choices by women.
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Well said Barb and Stanzie!
Hugs to all.
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Thanks Ladies, I keep having these doubts about everything. This is so out of character from who I am. Not sure why this happens, winter, too much time to think, scared or a combination of all of the above reasons. Hubby home and feeling a little more positive today.....I think
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Hi all! I've been hard at work this week, sorta..so I haven't been on much. I am sorry to those who have been feeling down or having meltdowns. I hope today is a better day.
Maureen I am stunned that someone would say that to you especially a friend. I had someone ask me why I didn't get a BMX (I had a UMX) ...I said loudly BECAUSE I DIDNT NEED ONE! Seriously what's wrong with people. If you've been to every drs appt, every mammo US MRI SCAN CHEMO and if I ask for it THEN Maaaaaaaaybe you can give me your opinion on my treatment plan.
I wish it were warm today...I keep wanting to get back to life...but just the fun stuff. Taking my puppy to the park, shopping, hiking, going out with friends..but work and my third round of this cough/sinus thing AND COLD AND SNOW are preventing me from having fun! I need warm weather stat!!
Have a good day everyone!!!! Hugs to all that need one!
Diane
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Maureen just know we are here for you and will keep you in my prayers. I think we all need some good ol sunshine, no more cold wintery weather.
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That's just as bad as the woman in the waiting room who told me: all women die if they have chemo! The nerve! Like I had a choice! Some people are just so oblivious. That being said, I do think your friend was feeling scared of losing you and you just need to establish boundaries with her and let her know how different we all are and everyone's treatment options are so individual.
Ladies, I have had a cloud over my head these last few days, more so then usual. All I do is walk in the mall and spend money I don't have. Just feel so lost lately. Have my appointment with my PS at 2:30 today. Not looking forward to it.
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MBJ is the appt. a normally scheduled one or are you about ready for a procedure? Sorry if I lost track. My brain is not what it use to be and I did not have chemo! I wonder if part of it is the long winter stretch. Yesterday someone I was talking to about a project I am working on with her mentioned she was talking to someone who had just lost a cousin to breast cancer so was excited about helping us with our project to help honor her. I know that probably doesn't make sense..........
anyway, I had been doing ok but my stomach just hurt. I thought that could be me they are talking about at some point in time. That I had died of BC. I was down and am still down. She said nothing wrong at all. It was in context and appropriate for what we were talking about.
It's like when I see women with real breasts on TV and I am sad. Don't get me wrong grateful it was caught early etc. But I still just get so down about it.
Okay I will brighten our day for those who love a good sale. I was at a furniture store last weekend and they had beautiful beautiful wool patterned throws. Like in a paisley. Had been $79 on sale for $15! We are having a party in March for those that were truly there for me during the good and bad and continue to be. We bought 10 of them to give to them as gifts. What a bargin. Should be a fun party, hired a singer for three hours and going to have it catered. Have NEVER entertained like this.
So I say everyone do their mall shopping and report back on the best sale they found.
You guys are so important in my life. Thanks to each of you.
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MBJ,so sorry you've been feeling down as well. (((Hugs))) I live in NYC, so we don't really have malls, but I don't even have enough energy or motivation to make it to the stores (and I really need to get to Macy's to return something). I've been shopping online a lot, which I need to stop doing. Good luck with your PS appointment today.
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MBJ oops I forgot. I hope you feel better!
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