For Older People with Sense
Comments
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I have never seen so many different varieties of tulips than at that garden
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I had Shakespeare tulips once that had ruffled petals, very pretty! Now there are just too many squirrels in this area to grow any bulbs. The squirrels just eat them. New housing areas are easy to establish bulbs, but not older ones. If the bulbs have grown to a large mass over the years, the squirrels won't even try to eat them.
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more bulbs
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Lisa those orange one with the green hairdo are interesting! Are they a species of tulip as well?
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The beautiful spring weather has inspired me to get outside and do some yard work. My problem is that everywhere I start to prune the shrubs, I discover a bird's nest with little birds! I have one huge bed of azaleas that is half pruned. Really peculiar looking! But I must wait until the birdies fly away.
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chrissy, I don't know
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It's fritallaria imperialis.
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Thanks Wren!
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Thanks, Wren. I was wondering too. Lisa, your pictures are stunning. I love the ruffled tulips. We aren't able to grow many bulbs here because, like Barbe, we have a squirrel problem. They must not like lilies though, because last year DH planted a big bed of Asiatic lilies with no problems. I'd like a bed of daffodils but the squirrels seem to love them.
Kathy
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I've read about people making a little box of chicken wire around the bulbs when they're planted. We have squirrels, but I haven't noticed a lot of bulbs disappearing. Of course our yard is planted so closely you wouldn't miss them.
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Thanks everyone on my FIL passing. It was a quiet Easter; even more quiet Passover for Mur and his family...Now, we'll pick up the pieces.. (what pieces we've got leftlol..3ays0 -
It is good to hear from you again 3Jays. I hope your picking up is peaceful.
Hugs Ginger
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I need some advice. Was hoping you wise and sensible women would give me some insight into an issue that has come up in my life. My mother had 4 sisters, the youngest had 5 children, we all lived in FL and were close while we were young. My closest cousin, Abby, moved to Hawaii when she was 20. She has since gotten divorced, she has 2 children, both grown and busy with their lives, and is now getting out of an abusive relationship. She has been calling me lately, in emotional turmoil, asking if she could come stay with me. Of course, she doesn't have any money or way of getting here. I know the pain of being in an abusive relationship, but I know for me I had to figure out how to make my life work on my own. Anyway, I said I would pay for her to come visit, but today when I was talking to her she said she didn't realize that the shop was in the basement, did I think it would quiet enough for her to sleep? I told her I have customers coming and going all day and machines running, but just during the day. But now that I think about this I know my DD is going to be coming home and my DS comes back and forth. The main thing is I don't want to take care of someone.(my DD is having surgery on the 20th of May and I'll be helping her out) My parents have only been gone for 3 years and I've spent the last 2 taking care of myself. Now I just want to have a good time. I'm working on making the other houses more livable and would like to move this summer, but this is starting to sound like too much. I want to help her out, but I need to protect my health. I don't know if I am even making sense. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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I think if she comes, you will have a very difficult time getting her to leave. I would try to cancel the visit because I think you'll end up in another caretaking position if you're not extremely careful. I would definitely bring up DD's surgery and your need to be there for her. You have been through a lot in the past few years and not feeling up to taking on someone else's problems is perfectly reasonable. If you decide to help her visit, make it very very clear that it's only a visit with a time limit (2 weeks?). It would be best if she found a counselor or advocate there to help her get back on course.
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thanks, wren. I know in my mind what would be best for me, but I really feel for this woman. It will take much soul searching for me. You are totally right about getting her to leave. Oh my, how complicated life can get so quickly.
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I agree with Wren..do not let her move in...getting her out on her own will be most difficult and really it is up to her when all is said and done. Are there women's shelters or assistance there where you are for HER to contact..maybe she needs to contact the helping services where she lives now to help her transition. This is not your job. It is hers...put the responsibility right where it belongs...from what she said it sounds like she wants to R & R at your place with your blessing...and your waiting on her needs...
I know it is hard to do at first but much harder to do later..
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Nancy, whole heartedly agree with Wren and Lisa........do not let her move in! In order for her to learn to live on her own she has to make the right moves now or she will be back in an abusive relationship again. She needs to learn to make the right decisions and if she comes to you, she will put that burden in your shoulders and you don't need it.
As hard as it is to refuse someone going through something like this you would actually be doing her a favour by letting her take on the responsibility for herself. There are shelters and emergency housing for women in her position tell her to follow through and make enquiries as you can't do everything and you have your daughter to care for.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Nancy, I too agree with Wren, Lisa, and Chrissy. She's put you into a very hard place where you're torn between your love and obligation to your daughter and your love to a cousin and childhood friend who's been away from the family for many years. Are the cousin's adult children in Hawaii or are they here? Surely she wouldn't want to leave them there and move so far away. My feeling is that she should depend on herself to find resources to help her emerge from the depths she appears to be in now rather than to pull up stakes and become dependent on you. You've already been through enough without taking on another burden, which is what I fear your cousin would become. You could encourage her to seek out resources in her own area for help, perhaps, and offer to help her in doing so, but that's all I would do if it were me.
Kathy
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Nancy, I agree with the others and I should know. My sister came to me because she was absolutely destitute. It was supposed to be for a short time until she could get pensioner housing but she is still here. Yes we have the room but it is a problem that I face every day. I promised my mother I would care for her and just couldn't do any thing else, however I do feel that she has abused our generosity and feels we can pay for everything - she is basically a squatter who we can't move on.She has so many family problems still, well her family is the problem and she is still abused by them. She is 12 years my senior - almost another generation. I could go on and on.
So my advice is don't do it and as Kathy said offer to get her help where she is you don't need another burden.
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Macatacmv, I agree with the advice you have so far received. I rarely post, do follow this thread as I am an older person with sense though I sometimes wonder about that. Going to be 79 soon. Alyson makes a good point about squatters. They have legal rights, can't make them leave if they have no place to go. A friend had 2 young adult grandsons living with her, to help them get a financial start etc. They became unruly, not sure of the details but it wasn't pretty and she told them to leave. They had no place to go (parents still living, nearby, what is wrong with this picture?) SHE had to move out for a time until a place could be found for them. I know every situation is different, but this sounds like she wants a shelter house, and to expect you to bankroll her is over the top of what can reasonably be expected. Red flag! "Will it be quiet enough?" She is someone you care about, obviously, does she care about you? Are you her only option? Doesn't seem so. Where are all the other family members? Has she had similar help before? Does she have personality disorder of some sort? No one should have to live with an abusive partner, and no one has to if the right steps are taken. I had someone here for several months last summer (long story--too long to explain here) who left in a drunken snit and I would not let her come back, She was recovering from Guillan-Barre, non-compliant with her medication,s, long term alcoholic, multiple relationship and personality problems, no one else would take her(I was a nurse). We want to help people through a tough spot but the idea is to get through the spot, not be an enabler to allow behaviors to continue and disrupt one's own life unduly. Sometimes the consequences of drawing a firm line can be unpleasant to say the least.. Anyone who stays in an abusive relationship has problems of their own, and if you take her in, it may get complicated in ways you can't foresee. I very much regret agreeing to take this person in. It went on much longer than was sensible and it didn't help her at all. Be careful. You have every right to say no, for many reasons.
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gramamuses, thanks for joining in as I was saying "enabler" in my mind as I read mac's post. Mac, you would be ENABLING her behaviour by "saving" her. Yes, she may move on to another abusive relationship, but that is her fault, not yours. She needs help that you cannot provide her. You would be a bandaid on a very toxic life and she might drag you down.
Perhaps she had already tried her kids, or maybe she's even lived with them before and they said no! A long lost cousin is no excuse to have to be a "nurse and a purse" to! Now, how do you say no?
Make it about others and not you or she'll act out. Tell her that you've listened to the shop for the last couple of days and feel like it would be disruptive to her peace and much needed "rest". Tell her your DD is moving in after surgery and will be up and down all night as she deals with meds. Tell her your son is moving back mid-term and wow, is he a partier, coming in at all times of the night! Hopefully by now she'd get the hint.
Above all, do NOT let her see that darling house just waiting for occupancy!!!!! You have built your life for you, not her!! She needs to grow up and be on her own to be able to value herself.
It's tough love, but it's the right thing to do. I know you know that, but needed to "hear" others validate your thinking. You are right. It's YOUR turn to be well!!
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Tough situation for you, Macatac. The other ladies have given some great advice. Good luck with your decision.
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Thanks everyone for your honesty and wise support. I know in my mind that I need to refuse her, but my heart and gut are all clenched up. (ha, and my gut is just starting to get unclenched, if you know what I mean) But I also know that there is something that she is not telling me. And that scares me.
I wrote her an email yesterday explaining my complicated life and how busy I plan on being in the next few months. I have lots of plans for people to come visit and wouldn't have a quiet enough place for her. etc.... I have not heard back, so need to work up my courage and give her a call today. I think they are 6 hours behind my time, so this afternoon. I will keep ya'll posted on any ongoing communication.
On a brighter note, my cousins from FL arrived last night and will be here for a few days. They are fun to be with, My aunt is still off traveling in style with her "younger man" so they are staying in her house. Gives me something else to think about and they also were of the same opinion about the situation.
Life is good for me today, why oh why would I want to complicate it?
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Most requests I get now for something I don't want to do or can't do I respond with " I don't do that anymore"
It works
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Or use Miss Manner's phrase "I'm afraid that's just impossible."
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mac, where the heck does she live that she`s 6 hours behind????
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Hawaii?
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yes Hawaii. I haven't been able to get in touch with her today. I'll try again tomorrow. At least I don't have to worry about her just showing up. I'll practice I'm afraid that is just impossible.
So it seemed like spring today. The flowers and trees are starting to bloom and it was warmer today. Lots of the seasonal businesses are reopening and there seems to be lots of more people around. Exciting.
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WoW!! It`s really coming along!! Thanks for sharing this journey with us mac!!! Another thing I say in sales, when someone asks me for a discount I say, Ì would if I could, but I just can`t`. They accept that much easier than if I just said no. Sometimes I even thank them for asking. Maybe if you thank your cousin for thinking of you.....??
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Almost time for a pool party...
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