Single life after a mastectomy
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I don't know if this is always true, but do feel it can be true......
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Haha. Yep. Keeps me going for sure. A friend came to visit with her hubby and new baby Friday night and she was kind enough to help me clean the bird cage. Hard to do with the limited mobility in my right arm.
Glad your friend got in touch with you. Old friends are the best.
Feeling like poo this morning. Got some kind of head and chest cold going on
wtf. Like I don't have enough going on. Argh!!! Hope everyone enjoys their Sunday. Think I'm going back to bed too! Bed is a mess. I really tossed and turned last night.
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Simplicity- I am so sorry that you have a cold on top of everything else. The body's immune system is down after surgery and all the rest. I understand the sick of being sick thing. I remember thinking I would never feel well again. But you will, trust me, you will!
Are you still taking anti-B's? If yes, that is good so you don't end up with upper and lower resp infections. Watch the lungs and be sure you don't see anything colorful from that location. You need some chicken soup.
I am glad your friends helped you with the animals. I saw you putting out a call for help on your FB support page and hope you get more people to respond. Asking people for specific things is always a good thing. I always gave people a list, here are five things I need help with, can you help me with 1-2 of them? People will do what they think they can help you with. Then you keep asking. It is great when you have people that say "I have time tomorrow afternoon, what would help you the most right now?" Those people are the gems.
Up and getting my day going. Going to do a bit of yoga on the patio and morning meditation and then off to take my friend for the ride and breakfast. Lots of other things to do today.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day with whatever you have going on.
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Jazz lol ok do not scan the picture simply take a picture of it with your phone hahhahahah that is what we all do now
BB, how is ur mom today?
simplicity hope you are better too.
Life how are the boys? did you the access to counseling for your son? hope he is getting better. Yesterday i was talking to my polish friend about her daughter and she fears her daughter will have depression due to the fact that the kid is studying so hard but yet is not getting over 90 and she wants to get to med school ;( young kids can be very hard on themselves and it is not easy to help them. i gave a few advice to my friend but i feel she need professional help, i told her maybe she should look for a private tutor that can help with the studying.
June bdavis, Tessa , Milky hope you guys are ok
i am just relaxing today i need to read my book and prepare for tomorrow, need to do laundry, clean and all the fun house stuff.
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Hi ladies- back from my outing with my friend. He was not feeling all that great today, but enjoyed the car ride and seemed to perk up along the way. I was not sure how much he would feel like eating today, but when we got there, he ordered a huge breakfast with eggs, sausage, pancakes, and more and ate most of it! That was good to see, and we all had a good visit.
BB- I am definitely more sensitive to things now, but think being far enough down the road from the worst of things, I can be more present with other people's illness now, less of my own stuff comes up. The first person I heard about with a new cancer diagnosis came a year after treatment finished, and I knew I was not in the place to support her in a bigger way. I kept in touch, but she was out of state so a different level of support than someone local. This friend today has had cancer for what seems to be close to 10 years now so I got used to this with him a long time ago. I find now, it makes me feel good to be able to help others who are going through treatment and living with this crap. In a lot of ways, I am more comfortable with people now who have or had cancer. It is hard to explain. They value everything so much more than most people.
Also, very good news your sister is coming to see your mom. Good for both of them to spend time together, also gives you a break from the hospital trips. I hope your mother is continuing to improve today. It sounds like she is already feeling better knowing she will see her other daughter.
No one will ever regret spending a lot of time with a parent towards the end of their lives. I spent 8 solid years along with my sister doing things to help our mom, many visits to see her, taking care of all her needs, etc. Trust me, it got exhausting and expensive and I did get tired of it. That being said, I was at real peace with our relationship when it was finally her time to go. Your time with your mother is very sacred, even during these tough times when they are sick and need you help. It was in those vulnerable times with my mother that the most incredible moments happened.
One of my favorite experiences with my mom after she moved to assisted living was going to visit and get a list of things she wanted from the drug store. I would always go and buy her new makeup, skin care creme, lipstick, etc. My mother would only wear red lipstick at the end, and I would have to come up with several shades of red to give her. Sometimes there was back and forth to exchange if she did not like a particular red (amazing how many ways one can do a red lipstick, LOL). I still think of those times and miss them.
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Simplicity, I saw this on another thread and posting here for you. I bet you are getting a lot of these questions (groan) or comments like these right now. We all did.
My favorite question now three years down the pike is "you are done with all that, right?" Define "done with all that" please?"
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wow I love it jazz lol I will also save it .
Its so good you were able to spend time with your friend .
I went for my walk again today and after I stopped to visit my Italians folks they are so very special to me .came home with lots of pears and vegetables also had a great chat and a Italian spreeso coffee lol
Here are pictures of them and their garden they gave me permission to post here for you.
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Good morning friends!
E- those gardens are so spectacular. How nice you visited with people you like and came away with some lovely gifts from their gardens! I love you are getting out to exercise on the weekends!
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Yes jazz the weekend was so beautiful
I just finished a new top.look really nice my niece ll love it
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hope all have a great week
Sending you all hugs
G night
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Hi, this is my first post in this section. I have been a member on BCO since 2002. I have had breast cancer twice, the last diagnoses was in March of 2011. I never thought I would have to worry about being single. I was married to a great guy, so I thought. We were together for 19 years. He supported me through all my treatments and was always there for me. We talked about growing old together. That all changed this past summer. He did something terrible and is in jail, could be there for months or years, they are not really saying what will happen. I dont think I will ever be able to be with him again. I love him but what he did was terrible.
I am not used to this new single life that came upon me suddenly. I do know I don't want to be alone. I am overweight, actually obese. I am working on losing weight, for my health and to look better. I had a double mastectomy and have 3 port scars, yes three. I look terrible and have lost all self confidence. I look in the mirror and see an unattractive scarred up deformed woman. I don't even really feel like a woman anymore, all my girl parts have been taken from me. I am happy to be alive, but I am curious if I will ever be able to be intimate with a man again. This is very personal, but I was never able to be completely naked even in front of my husband, so i can i possibly start a new relationship and eventually a serious one?
How does one tell someone that they are dating and serious with about their double mastectomy? At what point do you tell them? I am sure I won't have to worry about this for awhile, but I am curious how others have dealt with this. Also, I have lasting side effects from all my treatments, and of course there is always the fear of it coming back. How do men that you are dating deal with this? Part of me thinks I should wait for my husband, but he could go to prison for 20 years, besides that, I don't know if I could ever forgive him for what he did. I am looking for any advice or comments. I read a couple of pages on this thread and am hoping I am posting in the right section. I really don't know who else to talk to about this with. I have great friends, but they are all married and healthy, never have been through a health crisis.
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Bak- welcome to our thread. Glad you found us, but also very sorry about everything you have been through.
I have not tried to date since having bc and many surgeries. I also had a TAH right before my breast surgery. So I can relate to your feelings about having lost so much and the resulting body image concerns, as well as worries about intimacy. There are others here who have been out in the dating world and can perhaps advise on the best ways to have some of the conversations around what has been. I personally decided when I begin dating again, I will start out slow with some casual dates and not get involved with anyone too quickly. I am a pretty private person, so I know need to feel pretty comfortable to share my story with a man.
I will share as someone who has been single for awhile that you may need to think about creating some new friendships with other single people. I learned long ago that friendships are built mostly around common interests and themes in our lives, but also more than anything, has to do with lifestyle. I am a long time single person and most of my friends are other single folks (mostly divorced, few never married). Male and female single friends, some who want to date, others who don't. I definitely cannot talk about dating stuff with married and long time committed folks. They roll their eyes and just tell you to "get out there." Just not that easy for any of us.
I would just be very kind to yourself given all that is going on. Sounds like you are not sure what is going to happen with your husband and perhaps once that is known, you will be in a place to better decide what YOU want. This is a really hard situation to be in. BC twice is more than enough to deal with. The rest is so upsetting on every level.
We hope you like it here and will stay and join the conversations.
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bak94 welcome to our tread
I am single and not really worry about finding someone now. I hope some of our sisters here will have some ideas for you on the how or when. I was lucky I had still some kind of friendship with my ex at the time I got bc .so I told him right away what was happening to me. I think as hard as it is we must put ourself in the place of the other person. So if you were healthy and start dating someone and they had mayor surgery which involves scars .will you prefer they tell you in advance? I have no clue how it is cuz I have not really try hard to go out there and date but when I had man flirting with me I brought it up and fast they went . Here is my advice to you. Keep working at been positive and letting go. I feel the most important is that you find a way to start loving yourself first before even going to find someone to love.for me this is the hardest cuz I was always very aware of my looks before bc and I was not easy to see my body through all the changes .
I hope you stay with us we here vent almost everyday about what ever it is we feel .
We do not judge each other we try to give support as much as we can.
Hope you feel better soon. Try to focus on your health .maybe pick ip a hobby that may make you somewhat happy I am sure it is not easy but I am not sure what else to say
I am glad you are reaching out if there is a hood place that is this site
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bak94 I also wanted to say I am sorry you are going through so much.
I am on a god dame train again going to work and posting from my cell is always challenging lol
Have a great day all
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Hi Ladies
For some reason I have Beyonce's single ladies stuck in my head..:P "all you single ladies, all you single ladies..."
I'm 33, and prior to my diagnosis I had quite an active dating life. I'm not married and I don't have kids. I don't have a significant other because I really didn't have time for one. Everything was about my career and moving forward. Men were just there to pass the time really... entertainment value. :P
Since my diagnosis, I've had a really hard time dealing with how am I going to date again after mastectomy and reconstruction. (I'm getting a TRAM-Flap) I mean as much as I know its going to be reconstructed, I will never be able to look at myself the same way again. Now I want to date, but I want some-one to see beyond the fake boob. Is it too late for that? I've wondered if I will ever be considered sexy again... how will I look in a bikini (I've put on so much weight with chemo and honestly if I can get 5 minutes of excercise its woohoo!! )
I know I probably sound shallow... it's not my intention, but this cancer thing has seriously F****ed up my life. I've written more about it Here. (please read click the link, I would REALLY appreciate feedback) I was told that there are 1000 more questions and paths to follow that are more important than : What fills a bra... ? Sometimes I agree.. other times I wonder is that me just pacifying myself?
Seriously head-wrecked, but I feel like if there is anyone who gets me, it will you be you ladies....
Lots of love,
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BB- I am so sorry to hear your mom had a set back yesterday. It is very hard to watch a parent suffer with these things.
As hard as it was for your sister to see what happened, it may be important she sees that your mom's health is changing and that you need help. I hope she can find ways to support you by getting over there more often.
Given your mom had the fall and has been in the hospital for awhile, I expect they will want to send her to rehab for awhile. The hospitals will do an assessment to see if she can go home and will be sure she can walk (even with a walker), dress herself, feed herself, etc. If she cannot, they will take her to rehab to work on that with her.
Timing is never good with these things. If you can get a rehab place that is close to your home, you can swing your class to see her before rehab and/or on the way home. Does your mom have friends in the area? Ask other people if they will stop by to visit (and it allows you other sets of eyes on her too). I had a whole network of people to keep an eye on my mother in rehab when we could not be there. Ask people to help, whoever she has from church to other family in the area, etc.
I am sorry everything is so hard.
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bb I am so sad too .hope ur mom start feeling better I am worry cuz of what you said she is like my mom they lade in the hospital bed and they don't call the nurse cuz they don't want to bother them. It's very very stressful. 😢
Wow two new ladies here with us.
Welcome Sarah . Well here we don't judge each other I am also very big fan of my body the way it used to be and yes me too had a hard time acepting the new me. I will tell u though . you will fight back .you will be able to lose all that chemo weight as long as you focus on that goal and don't start over eating. Watch your intake trust me I know you don't eat much but chemo is making you be big that is how it was to me.I was a caw I could not see myself in any mirror .it ll all get back to somewhat normal but it does not happen overnight. You must be patient pick up an exercise you may enjoy and do not give up. I a few years your body ll be back to looking someone normal and all start getting better. Well this is my case and I must be honest I refused the tamoxifen and all other hormones medal so after chemo it was not so hard months after month the weight started to go down and now I fit my normal jeans and I feel somewhat ok I still get to turn a few heads at my pole walks hahahah hahahhahaha
Zarah and bak94 just remember it ll get better keep telling yourself that
Bb jazz I am on the train again lol this is the chance I get to read treads and post
Sending u all big hugs
Love the moon pictures how amazing that was.
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Hi ladies- I have been busy today getting my house cleaned and a bunch of overdue filing done in my home office. When these cleaning/urges come, I go with them if I have the space. I am particularly pleased to have some filing done and some missing things found today in the process of going through some piles. I found some photos of this family I am going to see, including some really cute photos of the young woman getting married this weekend when she was young. They were from my mothers photos I took from her house 10 years ago when we cleaned it out, and figured they might like to have them.
I hear there is some major rain moving in this weekend to the east though. Ugh, not what we need with our travel or especially for the day of the wedding. I decided to switch out my leather coat and pack an all weather coat if it is going to be raining. Otherwise I am pretty ready to go! A little rain won't scare me off, but think about the bride in her gown trying to get into the church in the pouring rain. Some areas expected to get like 4-5 inches. Praying that the clouds will open on Saturday for the special day and good photos with the fall foliage will be possible. We can only hope?
I did go to the nail salon today and got some fun sparkly gel nails for the trip. I also had them "de-fur" my face totally today. I have noticed a lot more blonde peach fuzz around the chin. Normally they do the lip and chin with my brows, but today she did my whole face. I think I need to do this once and awhile. Lack of hormones makes for too much facial hair.
Here is a pic of my glitter nails! I was a girlie-girl today.
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Shar- welcome to this thread. The body images after all this are tough. You are young and can understand the concerns about bathing suits, etc. I am a swimmer, although my bikini days were long gone before I got bc (I am in my 50s) but still self conscious in my tank suits at the pool.
I think I was a lot like you in my early 30s. Men were to be enjoyed, fun, nothing I got serious about. I think when you find someone special, he will be able to hear your story and love you for who you are. I understand men are very focused on looks when they are younger. That is less true of men my age (everyone has middle age spread, men are balding, etc.) What you look for in a relationship really does change as you age, with or without the bc journey.
I love that you are from South Africa. We have a very international thread here with several women from Canada, a lovely woman from Spain, a young woman from Australia, and several of us here in the US. We hope you like it here and will join the conversation.
BB- that jacket sounds cute. I love to shop too. Can you exchange it for a different size?
I get that about your mom wanting you to do those events with her. I have a friend whose mom has made her the buddy and they do everything together. This has been going on for a good 15 years, and when my friend tries to date, the mother does not like it and next thing you know, things are over. I do hope your mom is on the upswing again and will be able to get out of the hospital soon. I know how exhausting this is (been there).
E- how is the job going with the new manager?
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Funny story from the gym tonight. I went tonight to swim and then soak in the hot tub. It was ALL MEN in the pool area tonight, I noticed this when I went in and went to my lane and did my laps.
After I swam, I went into the hot tub and this young man struck up a conversation with me. He was a handsome young Hispanic man and was talking about his kids (4 of them) and told me one has down syndrome and is a great athlete. He talked about a few other things and then started into what I have come to refer to as the "baby mama drama."
Anyways, he was genuinely sweet and smart, and we had a nice conversation. As I left, he was telling me about some place his daughter sings on the weekend (some sort of Christian music thing) as I left. I thought "wow, I think this guy was interested in me". He must have been been a good 15 years younger. I won't say I was not flattered by the whole experience.
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I Lost my post twice last night.
Jazz me and the old man in the park and you and the younger one lol
So last week I told the manager that yes I will prefer to switch to the other team and he said "oh ok I ll send you an email to confirm " well I have not seen that email .I am not sure what to expect anymore. The new manager is on vacation till next Monday so maybe when he comes back I ll hear something.
Yesterday my coworker whom was on stress leave for 85 days told me she got an interview and hopefully she ll leave soon
since she came back she is been treated the way I was when I came back they ignore her as if she is not there . I try to reach out to her as much as I can but I am just busy so busy I don't even take lunch so some days I only talk to her in the afternoon just to say a quick hi.today I ll take my lunch I ll let her know in case she wants to grab something to eat with me.It is 6:05 am I am on a bus going downtown cuz my dentist appointment is at 7 and after today I won't see her for another 6 months. Yayy
Oh I changed the top 's back
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Lol had to post separate in order not to lose the post.
Bb hope your mom feels better
I am so sad it's October. Winter aproaching gives me this feeling of just graVing a suitcase and running away lol
Hope all have a great wed day
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E- I love that green top. Looks super cute on you. Did you send the white one to your niece?
It is funny about that young guy. I have older men hit on me all the time (especially at the gym), but last night all the men were all younger. That fellow was not my cuppa tea, but I don't think the gym is a bad place to meet someone.
Sorry to hear the transfer has not happened. Hopefully you can make the move once the new manager gets back. Sounds like he is up to his old tricks with the other lady. Driving her right out the door too. Bully's never focus on one person, they spread their nastiness around. Every bad bully boss I ever had did him/herself in with time. I will never understand why organizations tolerate bad managers.
Last day in town before I head to the wedding. Going to check on on line this morning and wrap up a few things, get to the gym for weights and get ready to go. Excited!
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BB- that was my experience too when I did on line dating around age 50. I had men in their 20s and 30s hitting on me all the time. I am fine with younger, but not 15-20 years younger.
I appreciate younger good looking men too! This fellow last night was handsome, but think he also thought of himself as a stud. He made a point of talking about all the women he had children with. LOL!
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Like this one!
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E love the top!
BB hope your mom gets to go home soon. My mom and I have been hanging out a lot more with all this. Been nice. My Dd has also enjoyed spending more time with me O.o
Jazz I hope you have a good time and the weather plays nice.
Shar I know the feeling and I think all your feelings/concerns are normal. I just had a BMX and thou I know this is not permanent, that I'll be reconstructed, I'm still having a bit of image issues. Is there a reason you're doing the TRAM? I'm doing the DIEP as of now. I may have limited implant options but have to see how the radiation affects me first.
The dating site thing. Ugh. I had a 19 yr old that was very persistent. Had to tell him it grossed me out since at the time my oldest was nineteen lol I got a lot of younger men too. Or a lot older. Hardly ever anyone my age. But I closed my account a month or so ago. This is just not the time for me. I don't have the patience right now. Plus I'm in such a transitional phase, just not a good time. Besides, I want a relationship with my special friend. I try not to think about him. Let him initiate contact most the time. Been doing that for quite sometime just to ensure I'm not doing all the reaching. I have a bad habit of reaching for men that aren't reaching for me. You can imagine how that works out in the long run.
Feeling a lot better today.
Hope everyone enjoys their day!!!
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Simplicity- dating takes time and energy and you need yours right now for treatment and recovery. Wow, a 19 year old, yeesh! Older men have always hit on me, that has been going on since my 30s.
I think it is good to kick back and let your friend make some effort. I too have pursued too many men who don't do their part to reciprocate in the relationship. I every much own that behavior and have tried to stop that. I know very well how those things work out too. I am past chasing people for things anymore. There has to be at least SOME level of effort and interest on the other side for me to continue. I hope he continues to keep in touch and show you he cares.
Thank you for the good travel wishes everyone!
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BB- I am so sorry your mom is not recovering well from this. I hope that she does not have to go to a nursing home either, no one ever wants to be in the place of taking a parent there nor do they ever want that for themselves. One is never ready to loose a parent, especially the remaining parent. I hope she can get stronger and go to rehab. If she can get stronger, she will have more options for type of care.
I am sorry you are stressed. The whole thing is upsetting. I remember not being able to eat when my mother became so ill. When her hip broke, I just cried all weekend. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get some rest.
Wishing you peace during these turbulent times sister.
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Oh BB
I am so sorry and sending hugs your way! Many big bear type hugs. I cant imagine & hope things take a turn for the better. Jazz-love that. Yea. That's the thing. He does reach for me *sigh* Love is confusing. More so if you're trying to fight/deny the emotion (him). He is a good friend and support through all this. We talk about 3-5 times a week on the phone & its always an hour +. Text everyday. I'll take what I can get
For now.
All things change.
You and your mom will be in my thoughts & prayers BB.
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