Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Hey, gang! I'm going to head back and read up on all of your posts, but I stopped in my tracks when I saw the title of this thread. It's so ME! I didn't cry when they told me I had cancer, and here lately, it's been rough. I finally have some perspective to be completely freaked out by everything that happened this last year and a half, and I'm not sure who this woman is moving forward.
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Mamalou - Did you not share your BC with anyone at all? That must be tough. I shared it with my family, and close friends, but didn't want anyone to know who wasn't super-close to me. And, I protected my privacy fiercely. to the point where I didn't want anyone to drop by unexpectedly in case they peeked in the front window and saw me with my hair on crooked.
But now - I am more inclined to bring it up in conversation because it's become a big part of who I am. I took a big part of the year off to look after myself, and it's been hard to explain to people that I actually have been quite busy. And I found, (I'm embarrassed to say) that I like it when people pat me on the back and tell me what a good job of getting through it all. I know it sounds silly - but it was really really hard to get through treatment, and all the mental gymnastics, and the post treatment hormones, and I really appreciate when people acknowledge my effort. When you're at the hospital it's like a big club- and even though you can't wait to get OUT of the club, you can feel lost on the other side. It helps to have people to talk to though. I found I suppressed so much during my treatment, that I have latent reactions that surface when I least expect it. Sometimes crying. Sometimes absolute disbelief that it every happened. Sometimes pride. Gratitude. Regret.
In reality, we're all still recovering. Even though our needs are more invisible, it's still important to ask for what you need. Even if that need is just someone to listen to you.
Janet
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mammalou, I've heard that "moving on" is a pretty slow process. I once asked my friend, who went through this years ago, when do we get to feel like we are done with all this crap and sadly she told me never. I think it does get better as time goes on, but when some of us are still dealing with hormonal medication SEs, menopause SEs, chemo SEs, etc. it's hard to put it behind us. I too thought that I was getting past some of the whole BC stuff and then I was slammed back down by the worst case of depression I've ever had. Thank goodness it lifted, but I am also dealing with some lingering SEs (as many of us are) and that in itself sucks.
I think the breast cancer awareness crap hits us just too close to home still. I saw a women with that license plate today and gave her a double take. I looked at her boobs and face and thought maybe it's her mom or friend. Either way, seeing those plates and pink ribbons are a reminder that I don't care to see.
I only shared my BC dx with people I knew would care. I saw a friend today who I hadn't seen in months and he himself had been through some heart problems. We swapped stories on doctors and meds and caught up a bit. It seems strange to talk about health at 47. We almost sounded like two 80 year olds in a nursing home :-).
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Thank you ladies . Purl you brought tears to my eyes.
Yes, I did share my BC with many people and took 6 months off of my teaching job. People have been very supportive but I just don't have that many people that I REALLy tell all my fears to. Not too many people actually bring up the topic, but I would be happy to talk if they did. I really need to talk to other BC ladies and I live in a small town with no support groups. To top it all off, my husband has made himself sick (chronic headaches) with the stress of all this, so I cut down on my sharing there.
I did cry my eyes out to my wonderful daughter tonight. My 25year old daughters are always there. Thank god.0 -
I thought I was done with my last surgical recon procedure in June and looking forward to starting my life in a new direction. Hasn't worked that way. Things got worse between medications, infections, and surgery.
I still have a lot of optimism and hope that the end will come and life will change for the better. Get support. It may not be on our time, but in time.
Hugs
Kat
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I'd be curious to know how many ladies can have their surgery, treatment and then just "move on." I have a feeling that there aren't many out there. It seems like the dx is just the beginning and like my signature line says, Just when I'm about to make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
I've found this happening often, but my guess is that at some point the SEs will subside, the hair will grow back, the mood will lift, etc. I wouldn't call this a journey because in my mind a journey is a positive experience. This is more like a process that has a beginning, middle and eventually an end. Hopefully we all come out better on the other end.
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Boy did I need this thread tonight. Just to let me know that I am not alone and not crazy!
I am having a huge meltdown tonight. After 4 surgeries I expected to move on with my life. I took time off from my teaching last year, was very open with my diagnosis and had lots of support. I was very upbeat and optimistic. Since then I have gottten diagnosed with a frozen shoulder,lymphedema,sleep apnea and fibromyalgia. I am in constant pain and cannot sleep. I started back to work and am exhausted. I feel like I will never feel better again! I am not coping well right now...0 -
Well, hi, I needed this tonight, too. I am approaching my anniversary of finding lump (Sept 10)with an October diagnosis. I finished MX, chemo and rads. Now on hold with Herceptin because of heart issues and they are testing me finding out whether to take Tamoxifen or an AI. So I am by no means DONE - we never are!
I had a tremendous amount of support and encouragement. I am not complaining. But a few supposedly close friends abandoned me. I ran into a few at a social event the other night. They are first to look at me with my 1 inch hair and say, "Oh you are getting back to normal" and I wanted to just knock them down! Thank God I had the courage to just walk away and avoid them the rest of the evening.
Does anyone else get angry if someone else uses the "NORMAL" word? It seems to make me the most angry right now!
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The thing is - not only are we not getting 'back to normal', we're just not getting 'back' to anything.
We're only moving forward, and trying to put our new head and body into a life that is familiar. Today, beucase I'm feeling remarkably sane, I'm looking forward to where life is going to take me. On another day I might be hiding under a rock - but today I've got my inner warrior up and running - so, bring it on.
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Stupid things catch me off guard and make me teary eyed. Went to my daughter's band meeting tonight and the director was talking about the upcoming year's calendar. She started talking about the all region try outs in February of next year and what a big deal it is. I almost lost it in front of over 200 people because this past year, I was recovering from my bmx and reconstruction and my daughter missed the try out. I felt so guilty that she had to suffer that week because I wasn't able to be there for her. Made me so sad. Stupid I know but a strong reminder of my yucky year.
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Denise, I can't stand when people talk about the "new normal." This last year (especially once all the treatment was over) was the worst physical and mental states I have ever experienced and I'm not sure that "new normal" fits the bill.
I can say I'm much better than I was a few months ago when I posted. I was falling apart, but fortunately BCO ladies (and a few close friends nearby) were here to help when I hit rock bottom. Back then there was no where else to go but up and finally the up happened.
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Ugh, I feel all those mixed feeling and wonder-what happened??was it a funky dream?
And then today day 6 of school- I started not feebIng good. Had major diarrhea like 5 times at work before noon.aching. Somehow got through being on an interview panel, drove home 3:30 ((early) where I crawled into bed with a 100 degree low fever. Yuck!!!!
Like getting sick when you are pregnant. Not fair, and I DO wash my hands a lot. Wonder if my formerly GREAT immune system is shot.
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Yestday, my boss at a staff meeting referred to a cancer we had on campus last year ( he was referring to a bad employee). I got all teary eyed. The comment was honestly ok with me, but somehow referring to cancer just got me all weepy. Oh boy, can't even explain all these emotions!
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My 10 year old daughter was listening to Biden speak at the DNC and she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said he was talking about his mother who died of cancer. References to cancer hit her pretty hard so mammalou, you are not the only one.
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I have been better lately. I really enjoyed having my mother at my house for a couple of days this week. I had my exchange surgery, so she came to drive me to and from the hospital and also to take me to school on Thursday. I had straightned up pretty well before she came, and she noticed and appreciated it. I was glad to have the incentive to clean up.
I'm being lazy today, but I hope I do go to the gym sometime. If not, then I will go tomorrow. I'm just not going to worry about it. I did wash my living room windows today. Oh my. They really needed that. LOL
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It's hard to move on when I still need to wear my wig, paint on eyebrows, put in a prosthesis in my bra (newest development), experience fatigue, and embarras myself with chemo brain every day. I have friends and family who love me so it's okay for them....just not for me.
I'm grateful to be alive and feel stronger, but I feel like it's Halloween or I belong on a theater stage because I have some costume on. It's not me. I look at pictures of what I looked like before this and cry for that person.
When my eyebrows, hair and reconstrcution are done I pray I'll be able to move ahead and put this all behind me.
Hugs,
Kat
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thanks ladies! I needed to read all of these posts to know I'm NORMAL! I just had my chemo anniversary (finishing) and go in for my 6 month Mammo tomorrow. I've been a mess the last few days, the waiting and anticipation. One day I feel great and the next its what was that twinge of pain, was that something? or just a pulled muscle? when does the worry stop? I'm walking/running 3-4 times a week that seems to help. one day at a time
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Walking/running 3-4 times a week is really great dexxy! I wish I would get on that!
I have fears of reoccurrences and mets too. I think it may have been the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. Yuck.
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Katarina, I totally get it. I don't think I'm scared of recurrence... yet I hear myself saying I would not do chemo again. What does that mean? Would I just fold up my tent?
How I look... yes, it's weird that it still takes so much time in the morning to get to a decent look for going into public vs how I look when I wake up. I didn't think of myself as vain but have short buzz cut as hair starts to grow, 8 incisions on the front of my body, and the pale look is not fun. However, I do go hours at a time not thinking about it now that I am back at work.
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OMG...this thread somehow fell off my list of favorites and e-mail notification, so I assumed that it was no longer active. I feel like I have been missing out! I think i am all caught up and must say that I love all of the posts on this thread.
To those having a rough time right now...it gets better. I think the timing is different for everyone and depends on a lot of factors, but eventually things do get better. It is really tough until you get there, and I still find that certain things hit me like a ton of bricks, but I used to have that feeling many times a day and it has subsided quite a bit. I wish peace for everyone struggling right now. I feel like BC robbed me of my serenity but the new me is finding a different path toward serenity and it is a welcome relief.
Is anyone, other than me, dreading the month of October? I am not looking forward to the bc reminders absolutely everywhere I turn. Is anyone feeling that way? If so, how are you planning on handling it?0 -
This will be my first October and I am not looking forward to it. I do not have a plan. I work in a high school so they will do some fund raising ... Pink football game .... Afraid of what people will expect from me .... Let me be (please).
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My birthday is 10/2. The last thing I want is a bunch of "awareness" cr*p!
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Joanne...I know what you mean about not knowing what people will expect from you. I have been feeling that way (to varying degrees) since I was diagnosed. That uncertainty, coupled with the fake front I put on for almost everyone, took a lot of energy. I think we have to just do the best we can. I'm not looking forward to October either, because there will be reminders everywhere.
Cindyl...ugh, a birthday right there at the beginning of the month. Well...we will celebrate you and your b-day without any mention of the word journey or the color pink! How does that sound?
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Rabbit, sounds good this is the only Journey I'm interested in right now:
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Oh, Cindyl...how I have missed your sense of humor. Love it!
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Thanks guys for reminding me I have a birthday next month :-). Wow, how time flies when you're having fun. Nope... don't like the pink. Wonder if I ever will. When I see the license plates or other things it's just a reminder of not only what I went through, but what I'm still dealing with SE's and all.
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I so get the "fake front". I am so tired of leading a double life. I want people to understand what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure I do all the time. I'm so afraid of sounding like a whinner that I don't share my fears and sadness to very many.
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Rockym...we will celebrate your birthday too, with no pink and only the boys in the band Journey (idea courtesy of Cindyl) and with no mention of our "BC journey"...ugh. The license plates and all things pink bring it right to the front of your mind, don't they? I hate that. Just when I take a break from thinking about it, there it is again.
mammalou...I used to joke to my husband that I should be up for an Emmy for the act I put on in front of everyone. Whine away right here, to us...we get it.
Tomorrow I am heading to my daughter's high school for a volleyball tournament to support breast cancer awareness and it's not even October yet...
I can't wait for November.
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LOL Rabbit!
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So great to hear from rabbit, dunesleeper, rockym, and some of the other original meltdown crew. I'm so happy to hear that everyone is finding their footing, and moving ahead with their new selves. I get inspired by all your stories.
Must admit, there was a time where the future didn't seem very accessible. The sweating, wild mood swings, confusion, crazy hair ...it was all bit too much.
Yesterday I got something cancer related in the mail, and I thought 'is this how it's going to be from now on?', and I guess it is. However, I don't really want to participate in cancer-y stuff. I don't like pink, and I'm not getting a bumper sticker. And I don't want to be known as "so & so's friend, the one who had cancer".
I'm actually holding it all together - except for yesterday when I found out that my friend's dog has lymphoma. I completely fell apart and though I never experienced, 'why me?', I was certianly thinking 'why him?' and getting so angry at the unviverse.
It was a year ago today that I started chemo. I shudder when I think how scared I was. For all you new girls, hang in there. It will pass. Even if you think you're coming completely unhinged, it's still part of the process and you will get through it. You're completely normal (if there is such a thing).
Have a great weekend everyone!
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