Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
Let you all know next week how the therapist worked out. Today I went for a bone density test. The tech sat me down and explained it all (not legally allowed but I got
INSTANT results) my height is still the same as it was 7 years ago and I am still in the green zone, which means no osteoporosis yet. Let's see what 5 years on Letrozole will do to the old bones. I hope between diet, exercise and supplementation I might be ok.Hope everybody is fine as Janet said, this forum is pretty quiet.0 -
Hi all. Janet, thanks so much for the good thoughts! So kind of you to think of me, and I'm so glad to hear you're feeling stable. Scottie, I hope you liked the therapist. As Janet says, it does seem to be a matter of finding the right one.
I did see the surgeon Monday and had a wedge biopsy as a hospital out-patient Friday. I was hoping he'd just do a little scrape in the office during the appointment and be done with it, but he said it's the local anesthetic injection that's the killer. He said, remember the four nipple injections for the lymph node tracer? (and who doesn't) -- it's ten times worse than that. So they gave me IV sedation and it was done in a blink. There's a little stitch now but it didn't hurt much at all. I didn't even need to fill the pain prescription.
And I get the results Wednesday. If it isn't Pagets, great; if it is, that's okay too because I'll do the mastectomy and be done with this constant monitoring.
Here's how monitoring is driving me crazy -- when I got home from the surgeon's appointment I had a form letter waiting in the mail that said I needed further imaging as a result of my 6-month post-surgery follow-up mammo the week before. This, of course, was pretty depressing -- more bad stuff in my mammo already? Along with the possible Paget's? I called the oncologist's nurse practitioner the next day and... it was a mistake! The radiologist clicked the wrong option and sent the wrong letter. I was supposed to get one that says follow-up again in six months as usual.
My oncologist's office is disorganized and I don't trust the nurse practitioner so the conversation with her was very uncomfortable. The radiologist was the same one who insisted on the biopsy that led to the cancer diagnosis so I wasn't going to disregard her letter without being absolutely sure.
I was finally convinced, and somewhat relieved, but... that form letter is one that (like many of us) I've received again and again over the years. It reminded me of twenty-some years of mammos and follow-ups and ultrasounds and benign tumors and cysts and finally bc and I really wonder why I went for a lumpectomy with radiation. But no second-guessing, right? We make the best decision we can with the info we have at the time...
0 -
10 weeks past final treatment -- feeling good, eating good, exercising, hair is growing in.... but the title of this post drew me in because I've been experiencing the same thing lately. Dx in November... and I can tell you -- I hardly remember the winter. December - March is a blur. Survival mode for sure. I had my eye on summer as much as possible all the way through. I imagined myself going to summer music festivals... well here I am. I am rollercoastering between the joy of making it through hell and tears for all I've been through. I keep getting hit with waves of realization -- of being diagnosed with cancer, of having lost a breast, of having lost my hair, of how effing serious this all is and how it really could kill me. The realization that I was faced with making life or death decisions that I was not equipped to make, and had very little time to decide. On some levels... this still feels surreal.
I haven't had my meltdown yet.... but I expect I will need to go through it. I take hot yoga classes... and during the past 3 classes, while I'm sweating and as the toxins are releasing... and feel the urge to cry. No... I feel the urge to sob uncontrollably. Its as if grief and sorrow is bubbling up my core and getting caught in my throat. And of course, I refuse to cry like that in class!
Anyway... I am here reading your posts and I can see that I am not damaged, but that this is another step toward moving on.
0 -
Shera- let it bubble right out of you! I have had it happen during both accupuncture and yoga and I think it is better out than in. No more suppressing feelings going on here! Good luck and let it out...
0 -
I guess I have been sailing along pretty smoothly since I retired the beginning of this month but now the issue of money is freaking me out. So I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can get work. Then I talked to a friend who is encouraging me to try to get SSDI. I just feel like it is hopeless, but she insists it is worth a try, that it doesn't cost anything to try it and that I now have the time to apply. I actually started feeling overwhelmed by the task of applying for SSDI. So maybe I need to get my feet back on the ground and do it. At least it is doing something toward solving the financial problem. One thing is for sure. It verified for me that I could not still be working. If I am overwhelmed simply because I spent the day with my mom and "have to" spend tomorrow with a friend and then have to get to working on the SSDI thing on Tuesday . . . I mean, really. I guess I just want the whole merry-go-round to stop or at least let me off of it for a while.
Oh well. I'm not freaking like I was when I first found this discussion, but maybe I was starting to freak just a little. I'm glad my friend kicked my butt a bit.
0 -
I am done with chemo, had my DMX in FEb 2012, preventative oopharectomy in Nov. 2011
( that was just before I found out about the breast cancer.) I have just the TE exchange surgery Aug. 7. Thrilled to be almost 4 weeks PFC but feeling overwhelmed a lot. Burst into tears in the shopping all today because I felt so different from everyone shopping my sweet DH sat down with me and let me cry.
I like my job- school principal, after many years as teacher and program coordinator stuff. My worry now, besides being emotionally fried after 6 mis of BC treatment is- will I spring back from August surgery fast enough to swing into gear for school? I was out the last 8 weeks in June because of chemo and I want to start off strong ( despite my warrior leaving me pretty frequently.) I desperately want to be too busy to stress about cancer.
Should I delay my exchange until Nov or Dec? Or get it over with now? I see my PS tomorrow.0 -
Hi Shera:
I just popped in to say that I finished rads about 6 weeks ago, been on Letrozole for almost 5 months. I was fine until finishing rads.....about three weeks ago I had my
MELTDOWN.....it was pretty bad.....cried for 24 hours straight wrote letters to my
Closest friends and husband (yes husband) spewed out my feelings, thoughts, regrets
ect, etc. it just kept spewing out for 24 hours....surprised my IPad didn't explode.....LOL
If it happens, let it run it's course ...whatever you need to do. I cant't say it helped me
100% but I do feel better I have a better perspective on things, especially from all the answers I got. You do not need to send anything you write like I did, but just seeing it in black and white will give you some perspective. Hope this helps....take care0 -
Lisa- if you are physically feeling ok then I would do it in August and start the new school year with your surgeries behind you. A couple weeks should be fine for recovery as long as you don't do heavy lifting. If you are already exhausted then you might want to build up your strength and wait. Good luck!
0 -
Lisa, I agree with Ginger. In most cases, the exchange goes pretty well. Personally, I plan on being in class 2 days after my exchange. I have to miss one class because it is the day of the exchange. Of course, I don't have to drive far to get to class. I definitely can't afford to miss more than one class though. This is the A+ course for computer repair, and I am hoping it will help me get a job once I am done. Just beware this awful emotional BS. There seems to be something that happens, something like PTSD, basically when we are done with whatever treatment we have chosen, we feel better physically but the reality of what we have been through kicks in. If you love your job, it might be good to be busy with it. I had a miserable job with way too little to do and way too much time to think. I had a jerk of a boss who told me to watch my sick time -- the week that I came back from the mastectomy. I totally melted down and decided my only option was to retire before I got fired. I guess I should have left there years ago in a more prepared way, but I tried to hang in for my pension. I made it to get my early retirement, which is not covering my bills. It's something, though, and I'm trying to get disability retirement, which will cover my bills. I still plan to get a part time job in about 6 months, if I can hold out that long financially.
0 -
Thanks Ginger and Dunesleeper. Yes, my work is close too with some flexibility. I just wish there were an extra week in there in case of...any complications??
Meanwhile I agree getting it behind me will help me move Ahead.
Plus being busy at work will take my focus off bc.
Keep you posted. I agree it is like PTSD. I have been in mortal danger and it has changed me. Meltdowns and anxiety are there. My sister, 7 yrs out, doesn't seem to think about it much, she is very busy with teenage daughters!!/p>0 -
Thanks Ginger. I will let it flow at some point..... I've been waiting for the right "alone time". And life got busy... so I think I'm going to have to carve it out soon.
Scottiee -- thats sounds like it must have been such a release... and relief. Writing to all your friends and husband sounds intense and a lot of work to dig down deep like that. I love writing / journaling and I'm also a mixed media artist / painter -- so hopefully some of this emo with funnel into artwork.
0 -
I am a mess. Now 4 weeks PFC. Exercising more which is good. Supposed to have last surgery- TE exchange- Aug 7. Right now i am feeling like I can't do it. Can't put my body through it. I think I can wait till December.
I'm supposed to see my MO this week- 4 week check in post chemo. His office called and rescheduled me with his PA instead. Can she tell me about hormones and follow up and what prognosis is and all that? I am upset. Am I his patient?
This all sucks.0 -
Lisa,
I can so relate to some of the things you just said. I reached a point where I couldn't put my body through any invasive procedures. I've been through two surgeries and chemo, and had to decide between rads or mastectomy. I knew mastectomy was the better option but I didn't feel like I had the strength for it. Turns out I had to have rads regardless - because of my nodal involvement - so I had radiation - and chose to have the mastectomy with immediate reconstruction in the new year (2013), when the skin heals and I have better emotional tools. In retrospect, I wish I'd had it all done at once - so it could be behind me - but it wasn't really an option unless I had opted for delayed reconstruction. Looking back (I finished rads in May) I wasn't in a great frame of mind to make decisions. I thought I was a brave strong warrior, but there were so many options, and I was exhausted, scared, and anxious to get back to my own life. Towards the end of treatment I had a few meltdowns because I was tired of exposing myself, and being groped by cold, impersonal hands.
What I didn't realize is that there is no such thing as going back to your old life. It doesn't exist. So the pain (for me) came in trying to put this new person into old circumstances and it didn't fit. It's like trying to put on your old beloved sweater , but it's itchy and too tight and you can't breath, but you wear it anyway, thinking that if you get some great accessories and a different pair of pants, it will all work out. But the pieces are all wrong to your have to strip it off and start again. Some things work, some don't. It all needs to be reassessed. It's hard, especially when you look normal and the world things you are normal, and everybody is happy to forget you had cancer.
The other day I told my partner that I was too exhausted to do anything. 'Shouldn't you be over that by now?' he said. But I can't make him understand how tired I am, mentally, and physically, from holding things together. You can't get off a mental roller coaster and expect to adapt to firm ground right away. I don't even have the words to explain it - and all I really want to do is punch him in head.
Also, I have a MO who keeps being a no-show, so I've met a variety of interns. The receptionist is like a gate-keeper, and I can barely get her to return my calls, let alone give me an appointment. Luckily I live close to downtown, so I just go to the hospital, and stand in her doorway, until she talks to me. She keep reminding me that Dr. so & so is really busy but that's not the point, is it? I'm really busy too. I've got my own life, and cancer has kept me hopping for a year.
Anyway - you summed it up very nicely by saying 'This all sucks'. ( Perhaps they should write that under the little pink ribbons. Change all their very upbeat bumper stickers to 'Cancer Sucks!')
But there's no way around it - we just have to keep marching through it, rather than around it, while taking a few breaks to kick and scream and fall apart on the kitchen floor.
Just know that you're not alone. Thee's no real 'normal' anymore, but fallying apart is about as normal as it gets. The good days will come,
Janet
0 -
Janet, thank you so much for these detailed thoughts. So helpful, validating, and clarifying. The idea that my old life doesn't exist rings true. I know I am still alive, which is good. A colleague (51) was killed in a car accident today. Sharp reminder that you don't know how or when your number will come up.
I see my Onc tomorrow after all. For my 15 min appointment I have about 12 questions typed up. And I am thighs g back and forth on the exchange surgery.. The pressure to have it done, no complications, and be recovered from anesthetic etc in about 10 days seems like too much!!0 -
Hi Lisa. I'm scheduled for my exchange on September 4th. I don't want to go through it, but I doooo want to get rid of this TE. I don't like it one bit. Thank you to Janet for reminding me that we can't go back to our old life. I freaked out when I tried to go back and ended up having to retire. So here I am worrying about money and all and thinking I should not have retired. However, the truth is that I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work every day. God I was miserable there. I still have not gotten to the gym though. That was a major reason why I felt I needed to stop working. I will go tomorrow. I will make up my todo list for tomorrow right now, and I will go to the gym, darn it!
0 -
Dunesleeper- the exercise will make you feel good...just try to do a little today. I have been really motivated by the ladies on one of the exercise threads here. I will try and post link.
0 -
It is called "let's post our daily exercise" in the getting in shape forum.
0 -
Dunesleeper -
Far be it from me to be a nag, but then again, it far be it for me to be irritable, bald, and sweaty.
Get your arse to the gym! You've accomplished so much already, and have moved forwards in leaps and bounds. Remember when you said you'd just 'take a deep breath and dive in'. Well, you can do it again. You body is thanking your for the raw fruits and veggies, but your brain is thinking 'What about me?' Think how happy your brain will be. It's so glad to be away from that miserable job, but now it's hungry for endorphins.
I know it's easier said than done, and its all about baby steps, so strap on some runners, throw your sweats in a bag, and see how that feels. We're all rooting for you.
Janet
0 -
I have been walking every day, even all through chemo. Maybe 20 minutes on crappy days, 40 minutes on good days. Being now weeks PFc (but really one if you consider the usual 3 weeks of ick after infusion) I have added 30 minutes on exercise bike, and am doing arm exercises for mobility every day (didn't quite regain it all on right side after BMX.) It feels great to be exercising more, it's like it is one thing I can control and I see the benefit right away in my spirits. Plus it makes me feel more "normal" or like my old self, even though I am still not like I was.
Eyes watering less, which helps my spirits too. With the Taxotere eye watering continuing PFC for a while, I found I didn't even want to go out much if tears were dripping down my face. Not crying but sure looking like it. See onc for first post-chemo visit today. Wonder what the hormone junk will do or which he will start me on....
0 -
Dunesleeper.....I am going through a LOT of emotional stuff right now, along with some
nausea.....what makes me get on my treadmill everyday.....good music while exercising and the feeling I know I will have when I'm finished , yeah the endorphines...they really work. That feeling keeps me going for a few hours after I 'm finished. You can do it.0 -
I did get to the gym today. It was awfully hot outside, so it was also a bit humid inside. All I did was the recumbent bike. I struggled through about 20 to 25 minutes. I definitely didn't get an endorphin rush, but I know that will come in time. I am just seriously out of shape. So I will make the effort to get back there again tomorrow -- unless it is going to be as hot as today. I do know that Friday is supposed to be cooler, so I will go then. Thanks for all the encouragement!
0 -
Dunesleeper good for you. I know it's easier said than done sometimes, but those endorphins will kick in. Better keep it up....you don't want Janet kicking your butt again😃
0 -
I love this board because so many of you sum up so much of how I've been feeling. I really appreciate hearing what you are all going through because I thought I was losing my mind. I finish my week 18 of my 18 week chemo/herceptin cycle tomorrow.. Then moving on to rads and herceptin every 3 weeks. But lately I've been so down and just crummy feeling, about the only time I feel normal is when I'm biking or walking/trying to run. So hopefully the extra exercise will help me feel better and also help me lose the steroid tummy bulge!
I don't wish these feelings of sadness on anyone but I am comforted knowing I am not alone. Glad we have each other.
Btw Janet- I started reading your blog and I absolutely love it. We share a goofy sense of humor! Keep up the great work!!0 -
Hey Diane, we are with you. The ups and downs are hard.
0 -
Hi Ladies,
I've been reading this thread at work (saved me from running out the building). Sooooooooo wonderful to know I'm not alone. I finished treatment mastectomy/chemo/rads in November and now am on Tamoxifen. I thought, wow, what a fantastic summer this is going to be. Not so far. I'm sad, pissed, tired, achy, hungry and sweaty. I look like Chaz Bono (sorry Cher). I hate my job; and have those thoughts like "this can't be how I am supposed to be living my life after going through so much to make it last longer!". "I should be opening an orphanage" "Making more of a difference" ~ I work in an isolated office, untapped creativity; bankruptcy research...Yuk.
It really helps so much to read these posts and know these emotions are normal. I don't feel like "me" anymore. I find myself not calling or returning phone calls. I can't afford to lose any friends but feel so disconnected since the end of treatment. Bless you all; I appreciate your openess and truly feel courageous again after reading your posts and thinking "these women are so strong".
0 -
It's funny, even when I feel like me then I tend to react, this isn't real, it's not ever going to. Be you again, and at other moments I just push the experience out of my mind and tell my myself I'm done. yet I just started Arimedex and ave exchange surgery coming up and am still bald etc. swing between relief, optimism,, pessimism, and feeling sorry for myself. And then mad about that.
0 -
Lisa2012 - It appears that this thread has petered out. Just wanted you to know I can truly emphathize. I try to cherish the moments of optimism and relief and be gentle with myself at moments of pessimism. And yes, the anger. I may take up some kind of kick boxing. I try and remind myself that it is normal and healthy to feel anger. I had myself convinced at one point that it would cause a reoccurance. Glad I got over that one. Best wishes to you (and all those peeking in).
0 -
Hi everyone: Sorry, just found this thread and thought I should relate my story to help some of you going through what, of course, I perfectly get.
Had the biopsy, lumpectomy and radiation, all the time continuing to work as an English
Teacher, and I am 65 yrs young. I was "superwoman" flew through it all, so to speak.
Came the last day of my rads and thinking I would be laughing and running out of the
Hospital......not so much......I CRIED all the way out and all the way home. Within a week, I had a total meltdown ....cried for 24 hours straight...couldn't sleep because my eyes were so painful afterwards....didn't want to see my friends (couldn't relate anymore)
I was in the darkest place ever. About a week ago I had coffee with a wonderful woman
Who has been more supportive than my own friends, yes and maybe family too. She asked me how I was, I mean, she REALLY asked me and wanted know. We talked about C for a few minutes and then spent the next 3 hours laughing and discussing this and that. I have not done this in 6 months. That was a Friday and on Saturday morning I just knew my body was different emotionally and physically....no more extreme nausea,
Extreme fatigue, no more emotional nightmares going on in my head and in my stomach.
I almost , not quite, felt like my old self (of course the old self will never be fully back, we all know that) and it has been that way for almost a week now. I just thank God everyday
Now that I feel this way. My therapist couldn't believe it was the same person. So ladies,
That's sort of my story in a nutshell. Just to tell you and give you hope that things WILL
change and get better for you. I didn't believe it when I was told it would, but there you
Are. Have faith and be strong, that's been my motto. Take care everybody.0 -
way to go scottiee!!!! so glad to hear it.
0 -
Thank you Dunesleeper, how are you? Have not heard from you for awhile....how are you doing with the exercises? I genuinely have to say that I do feel much better after
Working out, it is becoming a GOOD HABIT with me now. It took some time for this to
happen but I'm glad it did. Take care.0
