Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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kbq - give yourself a break. Your body has been through a lot of trauma. One of my doctors described rads as "like running a marathon, every day, for 6 weeks" it does a lot of damage. It's meant to. That's how it kills the cancer. When you are done your body begins the work of repairing the collateral damage and that takes time and protein (eat lots of protein) In addition to the physical toll, there is the emotional beating we take when we discover that we aren't immortal. And of course BC seem to hone in on every aspect of what makes us us. We have all these concerns about being still being feminine (even if we weren't girly girls)
Anyhow what I'm saying is don't feel guilty. Everything you are feeling is normal and everything will get better, just give it time.
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kbg, go on as much as you like. I know it makes me feel better to write it out and sometimes talk it out too. This whole experience takes so much out of us. I used to be wonder-women with my kids, family life, etc. Now I find it's hard to get out of bed. My motivation is zapped and even going to the store to buy milk is tough sometimes :-).
I have a 10 year old also and they have so much energy. She never stops chatting and always wants to be active. It's hard on us when we feel we should be doing something and we are not. I have a bad case of the guilts from the entire year of 2012. I contemplate a lot how this will effect my kids in years to come. They understand what I've been though, but I think they are ready to have their "normal" mom back.
If you have the hysterectomy would you still need Tamox? I know that chemo put me into menopause and my estrogen must be minimal since my menopause symptoms are so strong. Tamoxifen caused me a lot of emotional problems because of the abrupt blocking of estrogen. Anyway, your feelings real and valid. BC is tough!
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I know you ladies with young children worry about how Mom's illness is impacting the kids. But everything will be OK. When I was about 10 my Mom had a bad car accident and was poorly for some time. I remember her illness, but only in terms of how it related to me (kids even the best of them are self centered, you know?) as it happened we were able to spend a lot more time together because she was working less, and less busy when she was home. She & Dad spent a lot of time doing quiet, calm things with me. Lots of trips to the library, fewer trips to the carnival. They expected me to help out more around the house, that's when I learned most of what I know about cooking and laundry. This was back in the old days, before we had microwaves and automatic washers, so I learned how to run a wringer washer with rinse tubs (Dad would get me set up and help empty everything when I was done) Mom supervised the meal prep, not so high, you'll scorch it! Mom had a way of making me feel so good about pulling my own weight, that I didn't mind helping. (I never did get great about cleaning my room tho)
And they were wrong about one thing. Learning how to wash clothing with a wringer, never has come in handy.
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kdg...congratulations on being done with rads. I think everything you are feeling is very normal. I didn't believe that until I met the incredible group of women on this board. They all helped me realize that the time after treatment is over can be worse, at times, than when we are going through treatment. At first it didn't make any sense to me, but then someone explained that we are in fight mode during treatment and when we are done, it all kind of comes crashing down on us and we realize the magnitude of what we just went through. Please lean on us as necessary. And Cindyl is right....give yourself a break. Maybe you and your daughter can do a low-key activity like watching a movie or playing a board game. I have 5 kids between the ages of 4 and 16, and when I was really tired, that's what I tried to do. It makes everyone feel a little better.
cindyl...what you shared about your parents was beautiful. I laughed out loud about learning how to wash clothes with a wringer. I am glad that never came in handy!
Hope everyone else is doing well.
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Thanks for listening ladies, your encouragement and understanding means alot!
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I'm now recovering from my last "official"treatment (exchange surgery on 8/7) from the TEs put in on Feb. 22 at BMX. ) Everything has gone well, on the Arimedex is 3 wks now, haven't noticed any SEs yet.
I'm feeling kind of stunned. Did this all happen? I have follow up appointments with all 3 docs in the next month. Then every 3 months. Does that mean that they often find problems? They biopsied some of the skin that they tucked around the implant and told me it was clean. I didn't know that biopsies were still part of anything! i guess it makes sense while you are in there.
In major surgical bra, but I can feel that the implants are warmer and a bit softer than the TEs. they MIGHT feel like part of my body someday!
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Hi Lisa...glad to hear you are doing well now that you are done. I think stunned is a good way to describe how we all felt when we were done with treatment. It gets better, but I had a lot of ups and downs before things improved. The 3 month follow up is what I had with all of my docs, too. They keep a close eye on us, as well they should! Hang in there and keep us posted.
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I follow your posts and admire you all for sharing your experience. I feel like there is so much pressure to sugar coat things for others and to just snap right back to my old life. I am 1 year out from my diagnosis and am wrapping up the bulk of my treatment. I find myself struggling with anxiety, particularly about lingering side effects from medication, and feel frustrated that I am not feeling 100% physically like everyone seems to expect. I was considering doing biofeedback or neurofeedback to address hot flashes, headaches, racing heart, and anxiety that began with chemo and Tamoxifen and have gotten better but have not completely gone away. Has anyone tried this or known anyone that has? It is very expensive and not covered by my insurance, but I'm so desperate to feel good that I want to try anything that will help. Any thoughts/feedback would be appreciated!
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CJRT -
Hi there. I'm a year out from my diagnoisis as well. I haven't explored any biofeedback options to address my issues, but I can certainly relate to feeling desperate to get back to normal. At this point I look normal. The hair is not too crazy, the lashes are back, and my summer should be pretty good. But I just don't have the stamina to keep up with everybody. On cottage weekend I take naps, and after work I don't go out because I've been going to bed at about 9:30. I don't really know if people have any expectations of me, or if it's all in my head.
I also don't know how much, if any, I've changed outwardly. I don't feel quite as carefree. When we're eating I think more about the food I'm putting in my mouth. And when I'm just doing regular things, I feel like my rythym has changed. But on the other hand, I'm more curious, and less reluctant to turn down any opportunity. Last weekend I tried a water trampoline for the first time and nobody could drag me off of it - I wasn't even tempted by the chilled cardonnay being served on the dock.
But I'm still mentally and physically tired. It's been a hell of a year, and I have days where I feel like me again and stronger than ever, and other days where I'm soaked in sweat, my newly curly hair is uncontrollabe, and the thought of being a grwon-up is exhausting.
I just don't know what normal is - or what it is that I want to return to. But the anxiety to get to that unknown place is definitely there. I haven't explored any options apart from exercise, and naturopathy but I think it might just take time. Everything about the last year was unnatural, and our bodies had the sh*t kicked out of them, so it'll take a while to get everything back on track.
However, if there's a faster way - I'd love to know
Janet0 -
Janet- Thank you for your words. They certainly resonate with me. Though I would not wish this on anyone, there is something comforting about others knowing how I feel. That water trampoline sounds wonderful!
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Yes, I want to try the water trampoline too!
I do wish I would get this house straightened up. My mother is going to come stay with me after my exchange surgery, and there's a lot of stuff in that spare bedroom and on the bed. Focus. Focus. Get it done.
Have a nice day everyone.
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Count me in for the water trampoline, too, Janet! That sounds like fun.
Dunesleeper...I know the feeling of having so much to do and not enough focus to get it done. I have been trying to break down my big projects into smaller tasks and that has helped quite a bit. It makes things seem more manageable and I feel like I have completed something. One of the curses I have found over the last year is that I get more easily overwhelmed now. I don't like that feeling. I hope your arm is healing and that you are doing well. When is your exchange surgery?
Question for you ladies...Do any of you look back at your diagnosis and treatment in disbelief? Like you, Janet and CJRT, I am one year out too, and although I can't even imagine a day where I don't think about breast cancer at all, there are times when I can't believe it happened. Am I alone in that? I'm wondering if it is denial. It probably has something to do with my outward appearance being closer to my pre-BC self, but I am such a different person in every other way.
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I love it when this thread becomes active because I find it so helpful.
Take care all, Rabbit430 -
I look at the darkish stubble and fuzz covering my head. I see my one-week implants that are flatter than I expected...I see my flabby body that has had no exercise except walks since February' BMX. I have a bad wig day. I reall wonder if my brain and my self, much less my body, will seem like mine again. Whining....
However- arimedex is not bothering me after4 weeks, my bone scan was excellent, the thrush i got again AFTER treatment was over is gone. I'm going to assume I'm cancer free. But as you all say- it has been a long hard year.0 -
Rabbit,
I can barely believe it happened either. Yesterday I went to the hospital to see my surgeon, get blood tests, and book a mammogram. I sat in a waiting room full of ladies. Some were wearing wigs - some looked very frightened. Memories came flooding back and I found it hard to believe that this was my old stomping grounds for the last year. Almost one hundred appointments, and about 300 sleepless night. I tried to summon a feeling of achievement for having made it through, but I just felt kind of shaky - and as Lisa said, stunned.
Lisa - Whining is okay. I found the stubbly part of my 'return to normal' challenging. I preferred being bald to 'sort of' bald. I'm also sort of tired. And sort of anxious. And I sort of have a little beer belly. Which, by the way, I have to hang on to for my Diep reconstruction next year. So my clothes sort of fit.
Jumping on the trampoline certainly helps though. I always feel better when I'm off the ground.
Janet0 -
Thanks, Janet!
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I'm 8 months out from treatment and this has been the worst for me. I used to walk 4 miles a day during treatment. Now I need to sleep 12 hours and don't have enough energy to do most things.I can barely walk around the block.
- I've suffered more with Arimidex and recurring cellulitis. Hospitalized 4x since end of treatment.
- On antibiotics and AI's that keep me in bed or on the couch many days.
- My immune system is more compromised now than during treatment (WBC is too low)
- Chemo brain has not improved much; can't remember what I read and don't process info well.
- Had to go on SSDI and leave my job due to fatigue and chemo brain eventhough treatment was over.
I am sick and tired of being sick an tired. I can't take anymore neadles and get anxiety attacks when in the doctors office now. For my entire life I was in excellent health and free of medicine, then whamo!
Nobody ever tells you what to expect post treatment.
It can be worse and I've heard that recovery has taken some people years to achieve.
Hugs,
Kat
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Sorry, Kat. I wish I had the magic words to say or a magic wand to fix things for all of us. I do understand though, and several women further along in their recovery than me convince me that things really will get better and that this will become smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror of our lives. I hope they are right!
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I love the rearview mirror analogy!
And I keep waiting for that time when I can look back - but by the same token - I'm careful never to wish a day away, 'cus I'm so grateful for my life. Nothing is simple - even the act of thinking is exhausting these days.
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Hey sometimes the idea if shopping for the right kind of bra that fits comfortably seems like too much!! Bright side : I like my new wig better. I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes, 2 months PFC . Nail polish covers my discolored nails. I'm going back to work (principal) after 4? Mos of surgery, chemo, surgery, etc. and it's sunny.
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Janet - Love your blog!
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Today I lost it. Hated looking at myself in the mirror,hated having no body hair, hated having just lost most of my eyebrows 8 weeks PFC, hated my 5:00 shadow all over my head, wondering if sex will ever be appealing again and if my body will handle it, hated being sideswiped by the "what happened?????" thought that hammers me frequently.
I may make an appt with my counselor but dudnt find it that helpful before. School is just starting up, ( back to work after 4 mos)good distraction,once everyone has had their first glimpse of the bewigged me. Got the blues....0 -
Good luck with work Lisa. Hopefully it does go well for you and is a distraction. When I went back to work after my mastectomy I went to pieces. I had actually held it together up until then with little to no effort. I ended up retiring about a month later. I took early retirement. I just couldn't do it. Sometimes I think I should have just taken more time off, but honestly, I don't think so. However, I had a pretty miserable job that did not keep me busy. So I hope you do very well at work but if not, don't panic. I think the panic is what made it even worse for me. Focus on what you like about your job and make sure you are taking proper care of you.
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Thank you dune sleeper. I am the principal in a school I taught in for quite a while... I am still very interested in what I do. I am going to go one step at a time.
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CJRT - Thank you!
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Take it one day at a time.
I found going back to work was interesting but I also was completely exhausted. I didn't get enough sleep and ended up in the hospital with an infection. I also had to go on early retirement.
I find my anti-depressants, friends and spiritual program keep me uplifted and optimistic even though I feel less healthy now than during treatment.
Best wishes to you..
Hugs,
Kat
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Going back to work has been wonderful- busy with teachers, students,organizing- start of school hasbeen great. Does feel like real life, at least that part of it!!!!
Still have, the stubble stage, calcium upsets my stomach (on my third kind) trying to actually set all this into a compartment and NOT think about recurrences and side effects etc. energy level is good, not particularly sore or aches, only 4 hot flashes in over a month. So I'm trying to focus on exercise, work, growing hair, and moving ahead. There are moments....it sort of reminds me of labor, how you start blanking parts of it out as time goes on.0 -
Dear Lisa2012,
Your last post resonated with me, and I want to share something with you which may make you feel better. Our cases and time frames seem pretty similar. I was diagnosed on Dec. 19 last year with bc as well as endometrial cancer. Had two surgeries, 4 rounds of TC, and finished rads on July 6. At my daughter's wedding on July 5 my eyebrows and lashes were almost non-existent, as well as my hair. That was 8 weeks PFC. I put up a pretty good show, but I felt like crap with my bald head, feeling weak and tired, being a cancer patient, wearing a wig, etc. etc.
It was hard to accept when the oncologists told me that I was now cured. It had been such an ordeal and such a fight, and suddenly it was over. My mood was pretty down too there for a few weeks, but I can truly say that I feel so much better now. My energy levels are amazing, and as far as I'm concerned I'm not a cancer patient anymore. I have bounced back, and my life is back to normal. As I'm getting further and further away from this experience, life is getting better and better.
My wish for you and the others is that it will be the same for you. I hope you will begin to feel better soon, and life will be good again.
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Very cool Lisa. I'm glad work is helping you feel better. I wish I could compartmentalize it like that. I didn't even go through all that you ladies did. Maybe that's part of it. Is it because I did not get the recommended treatment, or is it because the treatment I chose is a lifetime treatment? It is the only choice that felt right to me, but I am sabotaging my efforts with my anxiety. I should put more effort into controlling that. After all, I quit work to eliminate the stress. I don't have the stress from work, but I have financial stress. More than that, though, I have the stress of not trusting myself to be able to eat the right diet every day, exercise nearly every day, and do something to relieve my anxiety every day. Sure enough, I am slipping on the diet, mostly by drinking coffee, but also by eating fewer salads. I am still nearly vegetarian, though, and I only have pasta once a week or less. I'm failing on the exercise, and I have not done yoga or tai chi or meditation. Oy! Maybe I'll do better tomorrow.
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I went to Hawaii on vacation the first week of August, then came back and was very busy getting ready for a new school year. I've been doing great. Then yestday, my husband and I went to an A's baseball game and it turned out to be their annual breast cancer awareness game. The whole day was breast cancer everywhere and there were at least 500 breast cancer survivors there. For some reason, I came home depressed. Part of it was that I saw a lot of women supporting each other there and I felt so alone. I didn't share with anyone that I too was a BC patient. I feel like I put on a happy face sooooo much at work and that I am have no one to talk to about BC. Why can't I just move on?
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Mammalou: I have truly felt the feelings that you shared and it really helped me to post on this thread and have other women emphathize. As I read your experience about being surrounded by literally hundreds of "survivors" my heart felt for you. I would have probably been a bit angry. Here I am trying to have fun with my husband, wanting to enjoy feeling some energy sparked by a crowd at a game and Blam... it's a breast cancer awareness game! Oh joy!
I have to remind myself how important it is to remember that my (our) body and emotions have been through so much since diagnosis and everything I (we) feel is very valid. Everything. There are no wrong feelings and any forced attempt to "move on" will backfire. Now is the time to really pamper ourselves, seek a listening ear (and the ears of this site) and make sure I do something every day that brings me joy. Some days it feels exhausting to even try and think of something and I've learned, hey, that's ok. Thanks for posting; I needed this reminder.
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life" -- I posted this on my work monitor a couple weeks ago. I like it. I read it and take a long slow deep breath. Hugs to you.
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