Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Janet and Chicago- I used belleruth's surgery cd also and it definitely put me into a more positive frame of mind! The image of a confident and skilled surgical team really helped me. I listened to it before bed and sometimes fell asleep with it playing. When I was in the hospital after surgery I would play it and instantly block out the hospital noise and relax. I am going to order another one to help with my fibromyalgia.
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Hi all...just checking in. I need to do that more often because I love seeing what everyone is up to! I find that this whole BC thing is such a rollercoaster of emotion. Just when I think I am doing well, I feel like I take a few steps backward and I am often not sure why that happens. I still find coming here helpful.
Chicago1958, Janet and Ginger...does Belleruth do guided meditation for stuff other than surgery? I'm thinking that listening may be helpful before going to sleep some nights when all of those evil thoughts enter my mind, or when I am driving in the car alone and start to think too much. I try not to think too often...lol!
Melly...I hope this week is better than last week. Please don't feel foolish that you are in a tough place right now even though you have a good prognosis. My prognosis is very good, too, but that doesn't stop me from going to dark places in my mind. I read somewhere that a cancer diagnosis rocks you to the core and that is so true. I come here to feel close to normal, too. That's why this place is such a good support. It's an incredible group of women.
Lisa2012...your PS and therapist are right, you have been through a lot in a short time and are still processing it all. Look at it this way...at least you are dealing with it and not sweeping it under the rug!
What's up with the show Parenthood? Somebody told me about it recently and I see that Melly and Ginger have been watching it. There must be a bc storyline, right? Do you all recommend watching it?
Cindyl...Happy Birthday! May all of your wishes come true!
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Letlet... Our situations are very very similar. Did you ever seek professional help? What kind of doctor/therapist/counselor did you look for? I don't know where to start!
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Rabbit,
Belleruth has guided meditations fow all types of wellness, and coping. She's really great. However, there is a certain amount of visualization involved, so may to be best not to do it when you're behind the wheel.
By the way, I totally get the two steps backward routine.I'm having one of those days right now. I feel like I'm drving up a hill in my car, and have come to s stop sign, snd stsrt to inch bsckwards. Can't wait to go to bed.....0 -
Thanks for the bday wishes.
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Haha! Belleruth's surgery cd actually tells you not to listen to it while driving. The first time I put it in I was on my way to work and thought I would check it out. First thing she says is do not listen to this while driving.
Parenthood does have a cancer storyline right now. It took me by surprise how much it touched my emotions. I am going to continue to watch and see how I feel.0 -
I'm going to look for a Belleruth meditation and I won't listen while driving in case it works well...ha, ha! And I will check out Parenthood, too, although I'm not quite sure how that will affect my psyche! Whoever suggested watching it alone instead of in a room full of people has a good point. That's how I watched "Stand Up To Cancer" and I cried and cried...so glad I was alone. I still don't like anyone to see me sweat (except of course, all of you, who have seen me through the worst of times)!
Janet...I hope your day got better. I love the car analogy. That is where I am, too.
Lately, I feel like I am at a standstill. I was moving forward for a long time (and loving it), but now I am stalled. I can't stop wishing that I knew how this story is going to play out...will my cancer come back? If so, when will it happen? Will it be in my breast or somewhere else? Why can't I just be happy that it was caught pretty early and that my doctors say I have done everything possible to ensure it is gone for good? Why was I spared? Is there some greater purpose for my life, or was I just lucky? What should I be doing differently in gratitude for being alive?
And of course, there is the fact that I felt perfectly healthy before my diagnosis, so I don't really trust my body anymore to tell me when something is going wrong. I have also become increasingly paranoid about each and every twinge I have. I guess that goes along with not trusting my body anymore. And then there is the concern that I am unwittingly doing something which will cause my cancer to return. UGH!!!!!
On good days, I realize I am being a little unreasonable. On bad days, it's a bit difficult. And all of my questions just make me realize that I didn't learn the lesson that I can't control things like I wish I could.
Here I go again, blathering on, just like I did 5 months ago. Hope I can get some forward motion going soon. Thanks for reading/listening. It's always helpful to type it out!
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Rabbit- i know what you mean about not trusting your body anymore. My bc was early stage and i ended up with a bmx so i should be fine. But my BRCA2+ always makes me wonder if i am really done. My doctors have never even mentioned follow up scans.
I watched Parenthood alone but talked to my DH about how it made me feel. I want to feel free to let myself just let out my emotions. I have been so strong for the past year and a half and I was so surprised by how the show made me feel. I get so much support here and I realized I owe it to those closest to me to let them in on how I feel.
Thanks to all of you I am ready to do this.0 -
The checkout at my local grocery store asks me to give a dollar, or not, to BC reaserch during the month of Oct. Hmm, haven't I given enough crosses my mind each time.
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I never give any money to the cashier. I just say 'no thanks' as if they're offering me an extra bag. I used to feel guilty, but I don't know where the money goes, I even get resentful that some teenager in a polyester top forced to ask everyone for a dollar and likely (hopefully) has no knowledge of what she's talking about. Can't figure out exactly why it makes me so mad - but it does. As Katrina says, I feel like I've given enough.
On the other hand, there was a women outside the liquor store rasing money for a marathon becuase she lost two of her sisters to breast cancer. She had pictures of her sisters, and because it was personal, I gave her everything I had.
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I am very charitable to many causes and I used to give the buck, but now I pass. Yes, we all have gave more then our share and you all are right... because I have no real idea where the $$ are going, I am not inclined. As for breast cancer awareness... I feel that we are all walking posters in our own way. We don't need anymore awareness, we need to know why this is happening to so many of us!
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Rabbit 43, you put it perfectly. You said what I am thinking.
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Ugh, I am so ready to be over all of this! I thought I was doing pretty well, then while picking up my daughter from preschool, another mother asked me if I had started my volunteer days. I signed up to pay full tuition so that I wouldn't have to do the full volunteer daysboth because of having my young son at home and because of my lack of energy, multiple doctors, appointments, etc. Honestly, committing to specific volunteer days just seemed too much for me at the time I had to register her. The other mother said something about how she wasn't lucky like me and didn't have anyone to watch her younger child. (Keep in mind I had hired a babysitter out of necessity because of all the appointments, surgeries, procedures, etc. over the last year.) I know that she meant nothing by it and it was not intended to be judgmental, but suddenly I found myself offering a brief statement about still having a lot of medical appointments after having cancer last year and having the babysitter because of that. I said that I hopefully will have the babysitter for a little longer so that I can volunteer later on in the year. I did it in a matter of fact, no big deal kind of way, but now I find myself feeling so stupid for even bringing it up to this other mother and embarassed to see her again.
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CJ! I so needed to read your post this morning! How to know what to say?
I'd like to think that if one of my fellow preschool moms was handling cancer, I WOULD like to know a little about that. Thinking back, there was one. When it surfaced in her life, I felt awkward and shy about saying anything, because I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing.
Nowadays I am healing up pretty well after the onslaught and I'm getting around enough that I am running into friends that still don't know. What to say?? I don't know how to answer that little opener, "Hey, how are you?" Do I tell them? Do I not?
Definitely my responsibilities in the community are still dying on the vine, if I haven't already pruned them back. Surprises abound in this new body of mine. Ideally, it works when we tell others the truth. But the shock and fear in their faces is a real bummer. Not their fault. Not ours.
Here's a big hug for you, especially in an embarrassing future moment. In this moment. I'll think of you the next time I'm trying to decide....
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Happy Raccoon - Thank you so much. I am not really sure what I was looking for in posting this, but your words made me feel better. Thank you for offering your perspective about what I said, and more importantly, for giving me the validation that someone else truly understands.
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Just to throw my 2 cents in... I have a now 14 and 10 year old. Last year, I stopped volunteering entirely. I made it clear that I had to take care of myself first and foremost. I did a bit of work with our public library while I was going through chemo, as it kept me distracted, but super women here could not help in my daugher's 4th grade class. My son was 8th grade at the time and I only went to one PTA meeting that year. It was too overwhelming. It wasn't even the work as much, it was the questions from people or well meaning remarks that drove me up a wall. I was way too angry at life so I stayed away.
I did miss a bit with my daugher's education, but at least I didn't go there and bit anyone's head off :-). Now that I am back to "me" I am helping and getting involved again. Now people's remarks and comments roll off my back and I'm hoping to move on a bit.
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Yesterday I was paying for my groceries when the cashier "with a huge smile" asked if I wanted to donate to breast cancer.
"No" I said. Then followed up with "no, because I already gave an entire breast!"
Sometimes I just want to shout it from the rooftop. If you need to say it, say it I say.
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
here, here (pounding on desk)
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Thanks, Rocky!
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CJ- I think your response was fair. It is ok to share with people who need a little background on some of our choices. It can serve as a reminder that we need to live our lives and not spend time comparing ourselves to others. The grass is always greener.
I also think I would want to know if someone I am around regularly is going through what we have been through.0 -
I hate it when my friends suggest I should start looking for another job. My doctors say "no". I don't even have enough energy to get through an entire day -- I still need 12 hours of sleep minimum. Why do others feel it necessary to offer advice like this?
Hugs
Kat
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Kat....your body will tell you when you are ready to go back to work......don't be listening
To your friends....they are not walking in your shoes. We all heal differently physically nd emotionally.....you will know when you are ready.0 -
Hi there, I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing on this thread. I'm only halfway through chemo but I relate so much to what everyone is going through. Since diagnosis I kept up a pretty good front, and was actively trying to keep my attitude and mental strength and stay busy. Lately I just feel spent, I've lost the fighting spirit. I just want to withdraw and give up. Can't believe I'll ever feel halfway good again, can't imagine going on living feeling like this. It's helpful to hear I'm not alone, and that some of you have seen improvement since being in the rock bottom place.
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I have definitely improved since I was in that rock bottom place. It seemed I stayed there an awfully long time, but it was maybe a couple months. Admittedly, that IS a long time to be angry -- but I did get through it.
Lately I find myself increasingly more aware of the word cancer. I'm sure Pinktober is part of it. The other part is that I see my oncologist in a couple of weeks, when I will find out how the cancer marker blood level showed up most recently. It's the nagging "what if" it is back.
Still, life is not so bad in general these days.
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Dunesleeper.....so happy to hear from you again. You are sounding sooooo much better.
I know what you are saying. I can't believe that December was when I found my lump
so I will be going for a mammogram, bloodwork and all that good stuff soon myself. Yeah, what if???? But like you I'm coming out of a two month rock bottom place and
working on being more positive about everything. We'll get there, I know we will😃0 -
I am in a weird place. Dealing with a possible glaucoma problem maybe related to chemo ( know more in 3 weeks) and feeling discouraged and wondering how ongoing medical worries will play out, pop up forever??Makes me feel like a shorter life may be my destiny, it is OK. I'm 57, etc.
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Lisa - I have been in that place - not with glaucoma specifically but other physical concerns. I'm getting better, but I have a hard time weighing risks/possibilities/probabilities now as it is related to medical things. I feel more paranoid about symptoms that I might have blown off in the past. Hope you get good news in 3 weeks. From my experience, the farther out I am from chemo, the easier time I am having thinking that perhaps I will have my health back and the lingering chemo difficulties will hopefully disappear. A few people I know who are farther out from this "nightmare" than me have assured me that this part of the process gets easier. Sending positive thoughts your way...
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Tha is, cjrt. I knew about worrying about possible recurrences. Somehow I hadn't understood that chemo itself could give you health problems long term once treatment and SEs were done.
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Chemo and/or radiation can cause long-term fatigue - post treatment.
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I am sure my treatments and dx caused a bunch of things that never would have been! I'm 14 months out from surgery and 11 months PFC and I am no where near as energetic as I used to be. I wake up dragging and it takes a bit before my body is ready for the day. I also poop out much sooner then before BC and I DO EXERCISE so you'd think that would help with stamina... nope, doesn't seem that way.
I'm just hoping that my body will get back soon. People tell me it's age, but since I'm only turning 48 next week, I don't think that is the case. I use drug store reading glasses for small print too and I just don't believe that these things would have happened this year for me. Maybe at 50+, but not now. I'm sure chemopause also played a role. I wouldn't have gone through menopause until early 50's and because of BC, it was 46.
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