Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Lily, do you have any meds that soothe you? You should get some if not, no need to suffer. Hope you are better soon.
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Janet - Thank you again for your insight, support and caring words. I think I will copy/print your post and keep it close to read when I am having one of those sh*t days. You write "You have been through a lot. Set boundries. Don't be hard on yourself. Know your limits. Lower your expections." Very Important!
Lily - I hope you read Janet's post. You are going through the moments that you will look back on and be proud you made it through. I know you can; keep expressing yourself here and be heard.
Some people just suck. I call them suckers (very original). It's hard, very hard some days to be your own supportive friend. Since my best friend died last year, I haven't found anyone (except for this important open loving thread) that has an "inkling of a clue" what we struggle with. Try to treat yourself as you would treat someone that is healing, hurting...With love and patience and tender loving embraces and time for rest. May this year bring us peace and healing. I love you all.
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People who have never had cancer honestly don't understand. Yesterday a coworker walked up to me after an office meeting and said "I really need a hug". After the hug he told me he is going for a pet scan on Tuesday. I knew right away what that means emotionally. I asked him who was going with him. I cannot imagine him walking up to someone who has never been down this road and being understood.
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Marijen - no no meds, nothing really helps as I am not good with medication.......I get a lot of side effects and negative reactions.........I just try and dig Deep but I feel so fragile, I bought myself some purple sprouting broccoli and bramley apples yesterday, things you cannot get here very often, felt like a treat. Brought them home had some broccoli and was really looking forward to the rest later, went out for an hour, came back and my naughtiest dog had found and eaten the lot.......that just finished me for the rest of the day! I mean for goodness sake such a trivial thing but felt huge........and then I feel bad for reacting so strongly and so it goes on............I seriously struggle to find any reason to hang around and just want to escape totally.............I would love to visit Cuba and Miami but won´t get travel insurance.......I investigated special insurance for people who have had cáncer but you need to live in the UK to qualify for it.....then I think well i live in a much nicer place than many people, great views, sunny most days so why am I not grateful enough and so it goes on.............
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So the update on my CT scan - that evening I received a call from general Dr, who stated that I still have pneumonia and fluid in my right lung and the scan showed a mass in my right lung. I called my MO the next day. She viewed the films with a RO.
I have to endure a lung biopsy on Feb 2nd. I am at a loss.
So this week has been terrible. I can't breathe even though I do have the inhaler (a recommendation from this board) . At this point, all I can do is be scared of the lung biopsy and then the results.
WTF: my mind and body are so burnt from these BC treatments during the past 3 years!
Thank you for your hugs! I need lots this time as I think my friends are done with my BC.
LiL
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LiLI-RI So sorry to hear that. Prayers.
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Good morning - Just came from a yoga class and I want to share something my teacher told me. She wanted to dedicate the class to 'letting go of carrying around pain'. Once again - I thought of all the ladies here, and how it's not that simple. But, I loved what she had to say. Her thought was that we take all the experiences we can't handle, or don't want to acknowledge, or are unable to absorb, or are terrifying, and put them all into zipcloc bags and put them in our freezer. Then we do our best to carry on with our lives. And we do our best to cope. But our freezer gets full. And sometimes a bag will defrost and the content comes come to our attention. At the very back of the freezer there is something long forgotten, tottaly surprising, and not in a good way. As things start to thaw, they affect us and ask to be dealt with. What's in these bags may be just gross. Or painful. It may happen during cancer treatment, or the year after, or perhaps a freezer is so friggin' jammed with freezer bags that it takes years to empty.
I thought of the women here and how we have to push aside certain emotions just in order to make it through the day. And I thought of those days where someone (me) might have to pull over to the side of the road because they were crying to are to see the road. Maybe that was a freezer bag melting all over me.
One woman on this thread, ages ago, asked what happen to her inner warrior, when she was questioning why she felt so fragile. The inner warrior had laid down her sword. But perhaps the inner warrior had just started dealing with all that she'd had to freeze.
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LILi - sending you hugs. It's just so crappy to have these tests looming ahead and having too much time to overthink things. My pelvic MRI is on Tuesday. My MIL is more panicked than I am. If it's something bad I will just deal with it and if it's not...waiting will not hurt. Im actually a but numb about it. I get what you mean about people disappearing...my phone has been quiet even though people (sone, especially family) know that we are on edge. I can't believe I'm home and off work again in the winter.
Janet- your insight and sharing hit a cord with me. 2 years before my dx started with an earthquake event with my DH...it seems since then life has snowballed and nothing has gone back to the way it was...and now I feel like I'm dealing with it and evaluating so many things in my life. I use to think the old me was strong...full time career, 2 kids, home cooked dinners, working while I had the flu ...never missing a day, big spotless house, running around at 100 mph doing it "all", but I think I was actually weak...because I didn't know how to say stop.
Enjoyeverymoment- your note about chick flicks and ice cream sounds like the perfect day!!
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LiliRi and Lily and others- None of us has achieved perfection in dealing with cancer, and it is hard because all of our situations are different. Why do some not get it back and some do, why do some not get mets and some do? Why do some have situations social support wise that are easier than others? Some people on the boards are transparent and some choose to keep things in. All I can say is we all care for you both and each other or we would not be on here. We all want breast cancer to go away and just stop doing it's thing. We all want our friends to find peace and happiness even in the midst of CRAP. I am praying for you all and I will remind you to look at Janet's saying on her post "just because you're having a meltdown doesn't mean you're not coping". Inversely "just because you appear you are all together doesn't mean you are coping".
I have mentioned this on another post someplace- a coworker had her breasts reduced and took the same amount of time off I did for it- six weeks. After my cancer she said to me "welcome to the club". I decided that I would just let that go. Having breast reduction since you felt like your breasts were too big is not "in the club" but by the same token, look at all of us, there are varying degrees of severity of disease and we try to support each other regardless. Cancer sucks no matter what. (not that you didn't all know that).
Hugs and prayers and love sent all of your way. JJ know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Yeah, I gave up expecting myself to be warrior every day of the week. Wish we lived closer for sure, would be fun! Rent a good movie and dang it enjoy every second of it.... take that stupid cancer....
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JJ and Lili R - sending you both loads of support and hugs.............you will get through of course because you have to but is there anything I / we can do to help you?? It just stinks...........
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JJ and Lili - thinking about you both gearing up for more testing, we have set sail and are with you, faces set against the rain and waiting...we know, we understand,
Janet, reallly lovely to hear from you, I always think of you as our wise one, measured yet full of compassion. I like reading your sentiments and you help me when things feel too tough...
Lily. I wish there were some way you could get to feeling better... I too would love to travel, but just don't feel well enough.
Purl, hey, nice to hear from you, I agree that very few people can comprehend what we have been through and still are. I have a friend who constantly moans about her headache, I just sympathise and try to remember how much she has helped me in the past, lifts to and from hospital.feeding me and I feel grateful.
My youngest sister posts endless pics of greyhounds on FB, greyhound collars, bowls, rescuing greyhounds, feeding them, greyhound tables (yes, coffee!) beds, necklaces....
She knows how much I have been in hospital lately, but has not asked how I am? Is that mad or what? I don't understand it.
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Winter - your sister may just be plain spooked by you.........we are reminders that it can happen to anyone sadly...........and self preservation kicks in. I was thinking today of how much I have lost since cáncer hit and its so much more than my health, body etc.....I now feel profoundly lonely.........and my confidence is going down all the time, I was on verge of tears nearly all day........did cry a few times, so bored with myself
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I agree with BB. Find a dermatologist who deals with patients with hair loss. There are several treatments available.
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Wintersocks, tell your sister you'd rather have pictures of what you like. That will stump her.
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Brutersmom, JJ, Lily, Enjoyevrymoment and all others on this board- THANK YOU for all your prayers! It truly makes me feel better. It is a struggle each day to get out of bed, but I do because I have to go to work! Some days are better than others...but I need to support myself..
JJ: I am sending you lots of hugs for your MRI on Tuesday and you get the results ASAP!
Janet your post is inspiring post!
It will be an indoor day for me...snow and cold temperatures is not fun.
A wonderful neighbor came to remove the snow from my car. I tried, but I can't catch my breath. There are still nice people in this world.
Sending hugs for all
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I am beginning to worry that people on here despair of me. I do really try hard, I am a bit erratic with meds even natural ones, but I do try and live life and not get beached in a chair with rubbish TV on.................I have realised I am really hard on myself and rarely even truly relax relax, if i sit down its cos I am too tired to do anything or I am getting up and down to attend to something online or whatever or I am there cos I am in a day dream as its all too uch, am sure you get the picture...........so I need to try and really unwind........I am going to try and go up in to the mountains to sit in nature and do some meditation at least once a week. And to try and meditate at home at least once a week but with so many dogs its not easy........
This weekend I have tried giving myself small tasks to achieve and what I fund as that I managed to do more than those, rather than being overwhelmed by a huge task or task list upfront. I also took just two dogs out today instead of trying with all 4 which scares me as they are then a pack........even though none of them are aggressive.....the two left behind were not happy.........
In your pockets girls.........here´s to the best possible results.......
xx
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Wow, there have been so many posts since I last checked in. I guess that tells us that a lot of us are in the same boat.
Bcky, I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote. My RO once said something to me insinuating that I should be happy to be alive. Well, what's "should" got to do with it. Knowing that others are worse off and would like to be in my shoes, doesn't help. It just made me feel worse. It also sucks that your aunt put pressure on you to be "fun." Be as sociable as you can, and don't worry about being fun. It's not your responsibility to live up to anyone's expectations. I understand waiting for the other shoe to drop too. Will it be a recurrence of breast cancer? The lymphoma that I also have deciding to kick into high gear instead of just "smoldering?" Or some other cancer altogether? On good days, I don't think about it. Hang in there. I'm at about the same stage of reconstruction as you are (just got nipples), but I'm farther out from active treatment. Dare I say that I think I'm starting to feel better emotionally? I don't know if it's finally feeling like my reconstructed breasts look somewhat "normal" despite the scars and flap of skin that doesn't match, or if it's changing from Tamoxifen to letrozole. Maybe it's because I've been off work for the latest surgery. Or maybe it's just an upswing in my emotional roller coaster that won't last. But I kind of, sort of feel better than I have. I hope you will soon. In the meantime some of the suggestions from others here are really good.
JJ, I'm glad you've gotten some time off work and hope it helps with the stress level. What to do with the time? Something that you enjoy! Catch up on sleep. Read a good book. Get out in nature even if it is winter. You fill in the blank. I also hope you do get some answers from the pelvic MRI. I wish you didn't have to wait so long for the breast biopsy.
LiLi, I hate to think of you also waiting for a test, and an unpleasant one to boot. I'm still praying for both you and JJ. I'm glad your neighbor helped with the snow. The last thing you need when you can't breathe is to be out in that weather.
Lily, we aren't despairing of you. I just hope you can eventually feel better. Your friend who got exasperated over your mentioning your feelings on seeing another woman's "pert nipples" just doesn't get it. I really understand being envious of those with their anatomy still intact. After my mastectomy, it felt like all I saw were breasts everywhere. I still feel jealous sometimes. I'm grateful for my reconstructed breasts, but they're not like the real thing. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers as well.
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Sending good thoughts and prayers to you all today. I am off for my echocardiogram today. I am set for my sister to take me to get my port out on Thursday.
My husband started a new job today. Fingers crossed. He got laid off while I was going through chemo & has mostly been doing contracting since then. I hope this works out...maybe then I can give up hanging on to the security of my position & look for something different.
This week is already starting better than last week. We found out the husband had his identity stolen last Monday. It has been exhausting getting everything changed and protected. The thieves should have picked someone with a better identity.
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SmartassSmurf- that just so sucks to have to deal with that...and it's scary. Fingers crossed for your DH and the new job.
I have my MRI tomorrow just before lunch. No food or liquids 4 hours before my appt, I will be up early to make sure I get my coffee and this time I'm taking .5 mg of Ativan a half hour before I go in the tube. I've never taken this before
I spent my first Monday at home feeling a bit antsy. Laundry done, closet reorganized, and chicken pot pie from scratch.....somehow I need to find time to actually relax...but I'm not there yet. Then the crazy part of me thought...if I have to be off with all of this ..,why couldn't it at least be summer? Just frustrating to be cooped up again in the winter. Cabin fever is real. DH is ready to just chill tonight and I'm like "just talk to me!!" Ugh
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Smart, that sucks about your husband's identity although I had to chuckle at your comment. We've had credit card info stolen but not full blown identity theft. I hope you get it all squared away and that his new job is perfect.
JJ, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. I really hope you can relax not just for the MRI but during your time off work. Yes, cabin fever is definitely real. Do you like audio books? I find listening to those relaxing.
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JJ. Just dropping by, to let you know I shall be thinking of you.
WS X
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JJ hoping you feel us there with you during MRI.
BB glad the Rogaine works, I might be right behind you in trying it if things continue to progress.
Winter- I can never predict how people act when you are going through cancer. That could be a novel in itself. Sorry your sister is not reaching out to you but maybe there is some dynamic from when you were little where she regards you as the strong one and feels you will be ok.... My younger sister told me that after the fact....
Lily- this is a safe place to vent. No one has walked in anyone else's exact moccasins and we are all praying you find comfort and peace. We are all wired differently in dealing with things, were brought up differently and have different ways to cope. No one really has it all together all the time.
Smart- how wonderful that your husband started a new job, I hope it is a great fit for him and the identity thief incident is soon cleared up and a distant memory. That is scary how easily it can happen.
2Tabbies- I have been recently been listening to free podcasts on my way to work. There are zillions of them, now I listen to a series called "the Moonlit Road" that my husband told me about. It is kinda like campfire ghost stories, some days I don't feel like listening to them but it is a nice distraction. They are free and all you need to do is download the podcast app, then search for what ones you want. I am sure there are much nicer selections than that one I just haven't really spent time looking yet. I love audio books too..
Lili-Ri praying for you regarding your lung biopsy.
Shout out to everyone else, hope you are well. Up at 230 again. I fell asleep on the couch at 7 pm. That could be the problem... ha! At least I am off work today. Have a good day everyone!
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Wow I'm super behind on this thread! I've been moving and trying not to get overwhelmed so I sort of put a lot of things like this on the back burner.
For everyone emotionally stud gelin - I'm with you! I'm having such a flood of emotions right now with one complication after another. I have surgery next week and depending on how drugged that leaves me, I might be absentee from here again. My chemo brain literally forgets to check this page!
Bcky I'm going thru the same damn thing. I'm sorry you struggled during treatment as well as after. There is certainly nothing wrong with those feelings. I think that response would be pretty common. I feel very angry at all cancer has stolen from me, then guilty about being angry. It's a vicious cycle but it's a comfort to know that this isn't unusual.
Janet you're post was awesome! VERY encouraging to me! Thanks for writing that.
JJ and the rest of you dealing with medical scares or problems - I'm so sorry! Since treatment ended last Sept I had a colon and bone cancer scare that devastated me. Both tested negative but that fear was overwhelming. I hope and pray that whatever the problems are, they are easily dealt with.
I went to an OBGYN this week and found out that the menopause has caused my vagina to constrict (sorry if this is too graphic!) Although I'm married, my libido is non existent and I haven't had sex in a while. So now I have to buy these vaginal dilators to loosen things back up so I can have sex someday. This problem isnt life altering or threatening but all I could think was that this was one more thing cancer has F---ed up! Is there a single body part that hasn't been wrecked?!
Love u guys and I'll try to keep up here. I'm sure u all understand the forgetfulness thing.
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JJ I hope you scan went well. I have been thinking of you.
I did not get my port out Thursday, my surgeon was sick. So today is the day. I have some work appointments this morning, and then riding the bus to the medical center. The husband is picking me up after.
I got the results on my echo. The cardiologist has released me for 2 years. The two meds they have given me have been doing the job, and my heart is now getting back to normal. I am happy to knock one more doc off of my list.
Big snowstorms coming to us today. Yuck.
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I've been thinking of all of you especially those waiting on test appointments or results or dealing with the dark moods of depression. Let us know how you're doing.
I'm having some back/hip pain and now some weird head pain. Probably nothing, but I made an appointment with my MO on Friday.
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2Tabbies-thanks for your note. Glad your you got results and your port comes out today. Sucks to take the bus but good DH is picking you up. Hope you rest afterwards.
My scan went okay. I get the results next week but family Dr called and said it didn't look like ovarian cancer..so I said "it's not cancer then?" He said he didn't say that...but it's not ovarian. I'm like why the hell call me??? Apparently the gynaecologist will answer my questions. I think I really want a hysterectomy because it would be less to worry about.
At the moment unfortunately my focus is on My DH. He has always had depression but the winter makes it worse. His drinking has increased the last few months. The other day he went out for lunch that lasted all afternoon then drove home. Someone reported him and the police knocked on the door later after he was home and said they had a driving complaint and they were checking if everything was okay and then they left. We ended up at the Dr yesterday to see if we can get him some help. I'm so hurt, disgusted and just tired. We have 2 DDs...what kind of father drinks and drives? How could he jeopardize so much including someone's life including his own?? I really need him and I do love him. I also think this shook him up enough to realize things are out of control. I've been quiet about this to everyone including his family. I think the only alcohol he can have is called "none". You know...I can handle when one or two areas of my life is crazy.,,but not all of it. Work,health and my marriage. I'm exhausted. The Dr gave me Ciprolex...I haven't started taking it yet. I keep thinking I can deal with everything but it's like stuff just keeps on coming!
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Congrats on the thumbs up from the cardiologist SSmurf.
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JJ, I hope it's not cancer at all. Don't blame you for wanting a hysterectomy. I'm so sorry about your husbands alcohol problem. You sure don't need another big stressful issue. I hope the latest incident shook him up enough that he gets help and sticks with it. Have you got anyone to talk to? A counselor. You're carrying around a ton of bad stuff. {{hugs}}
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JJ your husband needs to take responsibility and step up, its a lot for you to carry, he needs hus iwn suppor
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Oh JJ, I am praying for your husband and family with this additional stress. Also that you will get answers soon. My goodness. Hugs and prayers sent your way. Wish I could drive over there and take care of him, my husband says that is one of my gifts is lovingly being a person to counsel people with addictions and stuff. I don't know about that but I am praying there is some intervention/wake up call for him soon to help you. I am sure he is otherwise a great guy but good golly Miss Molly you have enough stress....
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