Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Rabbit -
Cease and desist! Quit reading stuff that scares the he*l out of you, unless it is relevant to your situation. You're feeding a monster. If you keep feeding it, it will get big and fat.
Checking up on people who have been diagnosed, or who are just worried is like heading back into your past. It's like stalking your creepy ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend to see how she's faring in your old shoes. Just don't.
And the reason I'm being so emphatic is that I did it too. And then I stopped because it was going in the wrong direction. Rocky M is right - rent Beaches. (Or, for a good cry and a good laugh, and a new love of life - rent the Intouchables.)
Mbf - On a more cosmetic note - I felt a billion times better one my eyelashes grew back in. I was menopausal, 10 lbs over my regular weight, crabby, and sweaty, with my grandpa's hair. But once my eyelashes came back I felt like a girl again. When they first came back I was so excited that I kept checking myself in the reat view mirror.
We're all impatient, and waiting for our identity to be returned to you is really hard. It's been 9 months since chemo, 5 since radiation and I'm feeling pretty good. My hair is kind of cute (and dyed), my eyelashes are back, and I wear blouses instead of T-shirts to hide my belly. Most days I feel pretty good, except for the occasional days where thanks to Tamoxifen and menopause, I turn into a total b*tch.
Janet
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mbf, I know the feeling about doing treatment "for your family." I felt that way since my chemo decision was kinda on the fence for me (not my doctors). So many of my decisions had to do with being able to face my kids and saying I did my best. You can look at cancermath.com and get an idea of what percent your Tamoxifen gives you. I am not saying stop as that is a very personal decision, but for me, I was at 3% and felt like this whole cancer thing was one weird fluke. Since I did the chemo and rads, I felt in my heart that I covered more than my share of bases. As for your Her2+ status... I was fortunate not to have it, but from what I read, you ladies have been blessed (if you want to call it that), with targeted therapy. When the meds weren't around, many died with that status so yes, considered yourself fortunate.
The one piece of advise I can give you as that when I wasn't sleeping at night (for months), became paranoid about each treatment causing other alignments, I made it a point to change my head. Our minds are one thing we can try to take hold of. Each night when I woke up at 3:00a, I would repeat to myself, "The chemo saved life, the chemo saved my life." That was when I able to get away from the treatment f--ked me up mentality. It worked, I saved a fortune in therapy and was able to move to the next stage of watching my hair grow out and learning to use a flat iron :-).
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Janet_M, thanks - you give me hope that I'll be feeling better about things as time goes on and I get my identity back (or figure out my new identity!).
RockyM, thanks - I tried going on cancermath.com but could not find where I could figure out the percentage. I'll keep looking... You mention waking up at 3:00a each night and having to finally take a hold of your mind and change your way of thinking - that's so true I know...and so hard to do...but so worth it! I know you're right just from previous life experiences. I wake up a couple times during the night, and my first thoughts in some form or another are of cancer and whether it will return and how I can get past all this, etc. etc. I'm hoping to find/gather up the strength I need once I'm not so drained and tired from the past six months. So, I'm hoping the effects of rads will soon wear off and that strength will return
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mbf, you can ask your MO to tell you the absolute increase in survival with Tamoxifen instead of the relative increase. Mine told me it was 11% for 10 year survival. So I take that to mean out of 100 women in my situation on Tamoxifen versus 100 women not on Tamoxifen, there will be 11 more 10-year survivors in the Tamoxifen group. My survival odds are lower to begin with since I'm stage III, so I would guess that your absolute benefit from Tamoxifen might be less. And for what it's worth I recall reading on someone's blog that Tamox side effects lessened after a couple months.
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Wow, it is so helpful to hear your experiences and how you all try to stay on top.
I heard one story that really helped me...
Remember the first time you learned how to ski or bicycle? For me I think of skiing. Here I am, going down the hill, when I hit a branch buried in the snow. I start to panic... I want to give up, fall, not face the challenge. But I know the braver option is to remember how to keep skiing, how to bend my knees, hold my poles, look ahead, stay calm. If I do the 2nd option, I will learn, improve, keep on going.
For me, that's what the whole fear thing is like with breast cancer. Sometimes I want to give in to my fear, collapse, go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Then I try to remember what other wise folks have told me - practise mindfulness, meditate, breathe deep, enjoy nature, etc. Most of the time, I can do the second option. And when I need a boost, I go online to this site, and get it from heroes such as yourselves!0 -
Thanks _Ann_, I do think I will ask my MO. I don't have another appointment with her until March, but will probably call with some questions, including that one.
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Hi ladies...I hope everyone is doing well. Things have grown quiet here again, which is (hopefully) a good sign that we are all healing in body, mind and spirit.
Thank you all so very much for your help with my question. Over the past week, I have made several changes based upon your good advice. I am living in the present, letting go of the past, staying positive, not feeding the wolf (thanks, Cindyl - I loved the legend) or the monster, not checking in on the well-being of ex-boyfriends (thanks, Janet) and watching some good, uplifting movies! It has helped a lot, so my entire family thanks each of you for pulling me back in. At this point, I am only allowing myself to look at this thread and not the other 20 or so (yes, you read that correctly!) threads I was following that were scaring the he** out of me. I appreciate the support and think I needed a swift kick in the arse to get my head out of it...lol! Many thanks.
Dunesleeper...I'm sorry that you have not found support on these boards for your decision to seek alternative treatment. That is not fair to you and I can't imagine going through what we have all gone through and feeling like people that don't even know me or my situation, are judging me for my personal decision. I am glad that you feel comfortable in Fuzzy's Romp Room and hopefully, on this board also! That is how it should be.
I don't know where everyone lives, but for those of you affected by Hurricane Sandy, I am praying for your safety.
Rabbit43
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I am reading a book right now "Picking Up The Pieces, Moving Forward After Surving Cancer". I am not too far in yet but it gives you strategies on how to move forward, including meditation type things. I will report more later.
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hello sweetie, I too am that woman, all the same emotions etc, I believe we are strong during that time for we are fighting for our lives, and after we say,"NOW WHAT" I wrote it all down in a journal and it helped me alot to see where I came from how far i've come,((Thank GOD)I was making wedding plans to my 2nd and God sent husband who was also so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!instrumental in supporting me and in my recovery, so try that write it down and read it and see . I am now a 18 yr SURVIVOR(Praise GOD). msphil idc, stage 2,0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen. PS in those first few yr after treatment was complete I di go thru the reocurrence anxiety but GOD.
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I have been reading here trying to convince myself that I am normal. I am 1 year post chemo & rads. Had a rough year of scares and then reconstructive surgery this summer. I feel like I am falling apart. I have never been a depressed person but I feel emotional and sad all the time. I cry about anything. I worry. I went to see my MO and broke down crying. I have some implant issues with swelling and I was worried about that. The phone call I got back was made me feel like I was just a big worry wart. I was so upset, I cancelled my appointments. I was supposed to have more reconstructive surgery in December, but they called today and I just postponed it. I'm beginning to wonder if Tamoxifen and instant menopause are causing some of this. I am like many others and read way too much scary stuff. Will have to take the advice of staying off of it. I can usually kick myself back into shape....... am I normal?????
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Mammalou- you are totally normal!! Many of us have been where you are now. Menopause and drug SE and just recovering from being a warrier through treatment. Be gentle with yourself and be persistent with your drs until they hear you and help you. Are you sleeping well? Because lack of sleep will make everything seem much worse. Sending you gentle hugs tonight!
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Mammalou, I'm so sorry you feel that way but I'm thinking it must be completely normal considering what you've been through and continue to go through! So much of what you said is how I feel too, and I agree with Ginger48 - be gentle with yourself. There's so much support here - try to look at the positive instead of the scary. Think good thoughts, be persistent with your Dr., and know that you have lots of support right here!
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Thank you both. I'm crying again.lol. As for the dr's, I'm just avoiding them right now. I hate them writing in their reports that I cried that day.
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Mammalou, normal, normal, normal. Uncomfortable, but normal. It was just a short time ago when I felt the full force of chemically induced menopause, Tamoxifen SEs, not a full nights sleep for months and the beginning of an Ativan addition (brought on by doctors continually telling me take this, it will help). I look back and think WTF?? I'm glad to hear you're crying... that helps a lot to release the tension. I don't believe I cried much during that time, I just shut down. This to shall pass.
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mammalou - Avoiding the Drs? However do you manage that? The first week in September is the only week since all this started, that I did not have any medical/pt/dental/eye etc., appts. My word what a time sink all this is. Fortunatly I have a flexible work place. I can make up hours when I need to.
But yes what you are feeling is totally normal and will get better with time.
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Rabbit -
Good for you! I love that you kicked your 20 thread-a-day habit! And the fact that you made several changes this week is fantastic. Another little triumph. I find that this has been what the whole post treamtent year has been...a series of tiny invisible triumphs. And each one is so important.
Mammalou - I think you're normal. And I think that falling apart is normal - I really do. But I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy. Don't judge yourself too harshly though - it sounds like you've had a really rough year. Sometimes crying is all we can do.
Janet
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I "heart" ya'll so.
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I cry at almost every dr appt. I don't even try not to anymore. Better out than in!!
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I've heard that before about it being better to cry and let it out. My mo actually told me that. I forget that, but it actually makes me feel better to hear that it is good. It feels good. Lol. This is such a personal struggle and I feel so alone sometimes. I want to share with people, but feel they just don't get it.
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I believe it's because you have to FOCUS EVERYTHING on treatments! there's a PLAN...you FOLLOW it...it's MAPPED OUT...then "bam"! it's "all over"....
but it's NOT...only now there's no plan anymore and you've got to pick back up after this humongous event in your life like "it never happened'...but it did, and it's huge.
Be patient with yourself...you'll find your "new normal"...you've been through one heck of a storm. Give yourself some alone time to absorb what has happened to you, talk about it with a therapist where you can just concentrate on YOU....and you'll find your way.
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I may need to take a break from Arimedex. Only 3 mos-and in the morning I feel like I am 100, doc says try 1-2 weeks without to see how I feel. Maybe I will feel way better!! There are other pills to try. Damn, I just wanted it to be ok so i could take my pill daily and stop thinking about all this crap. c
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2000 mg. of fish oil a day. It's really solved the joint and aches from AI's for me. I also take 500mg of vitamin C for the inflamation.
Everyone person is different and our sense of self and new life will be unique as well. Make it the best for you as possible. I suffer fatigue more than anything and I'm getting my doctors to give me solutions for this. Problems followed by solutions, it's all part of the process and it works.
No need to fear, all will turn out fine when you are at the end of the problem. If things are still unstable and you are still suffering it just means you are not at the end of the journey. Keep the faith. (quote from Dr. D.K Chopra)
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Vivirasselena your words are so ringing true for me right now! I am having a very difficult time. Finshed up chemo 7/23 then rads 10/6. Still have to get herceptin every 3 weeks until April. I have been so focused on the treatments and I have even tried to minimalize that I had a life threatening illness because mine was not as bad as others. I think I am just now coming to the realization that I had cancer and it could have killed me but by the grace of God I was spared! Thanks for speaking to my heart today. I did go and talk to a counselor and she also suggested I find a good cancer support group!
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Just to throw my two cents in this morning... not only do we deal with the treatment and tackle all the monsters that come our way at the beginning, but then we have to cope with the aftermath. I feel like I'm talking about a storm (and I am in a way). It's a storm to our bodies and minds. I know my body will never be the same. My treated breast is different now, menopause has aged me and I wake up with aches and pains that I never had in my life. However, I'm here, I'm alive and I'll adjust.
I know things get better and I've seen it time and time again. Cancer is no different.
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mt4ever, that's exactly how I have felt through this process - I focused on the treatments and minimalized what I had because I knew so many others had/have it worse. Now the 'major' treatments are over and I'm left with the reality of what I had and the fear that it could come back. That's great that you talked to a counselor - are you going to search for a cancer support group?
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Rockym, you certainly have a great perspective on it all! Good for you
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I need to mbf cause it is really messing with my head right at the moment. I usually am very good about keeping in control of things and not wanting others to worry about me so I act like I am okay but I am tired of acting okay! I AM NOT OKAY anymore!!
Yeah, I think I need to find a support group!! LOL
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OMG - you sound just like me! I had that conversation with my husband just days ago telling him I hold it together at work and try to at home so everyone thinks I am ok and noone worries - but I'm really NOT ok! I'm so sorry you feel that way too - it sure does suck!
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Ladies, I hate that you are going through this. I am not advocating meds, but they have truly saved me. I had the summer from hell after my treatments were finished...I couldn't
eat, was nauseous, vomiting all the time and lost way too much weight. My family tried to
drag me to ER one night after having my head down the toilet bowl off and on most of the night. A friend finally sat me down and told me I looked ill and was so worried about me. She begged me to see my GP......I am now taking an anti-depressant daily and an anti- anxiety med when necessary. They have changed my life. I am now eating well with no nausea or vomiting and my anxiety is rare now. Just something to consider as I have been where you are and it's not fun. Good luck ladies, thinking about you.0
