Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
Well Janet, I can relate, as we all can, to what you are feeling. And to top it off, I am one of those BC gals with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psych. And unfortunately, my expensive education hasn't helped me much through this. Working with clients and textbooks just didn't prepare me for the roller coaster that we are on now. Teaching parent training hasn't helped me feel more competent to cope with my 2 young kids. I actually just went today for my intake session. I finally decided to splurge on biofeedback to help me with all the crazy side effects and residual anxiety that this last year of cancer has caused me. Hang in there. Women who are honest with what a hell this has been on them, who haven't sugar coated it for me, have assured me it does get easier. That gradually this will become smaller in the rear view mirror of our lives. I sure hope so. Hugs to all of you.
0 -
Rabbit, thanks for the kind words. I always wonder if I'm revealing too much, but I truly want to help when I've been there before. It would be a shame to waste these "experiences" on just myself :-).
Janet, your mind will sharpen up again. If you were a multi-tasker before, I can assure you, it will happen again. It's strange, but I've had one disaster after another this past month (bathroom flood, basement ceiling issues, plumbing problems, losing stuff, etc.) and found myself handling these things better than I used to. Not sure why, but perhaps all this crap seems so petty compared to the last year.
I have a feeling that the "old feeling" will pass eventually. It kinda reminds me of my new running shoes. They aren't the old style I had and they feel different. My big toe kept feeling like it was hitting the top of the shoe, but I didn't return them. I told myself that my toe would just have to get used to it (they didn't hurt or they really would have went back, they just felt different). Well, I went walking today and sure enough they felt normal. The "Toe" adapted so I figured that sooner or later the rest of me will too.
I told my other BC buddy about how you compared the sleeve to a giant pork sausage. That line cracked me up! I know you will be fine if you can still laugh at this bullshit. By the way, my friend said that if the sleeve didn't suit you in color, you could dye it. I thought that was a pretty rocking idea. Perhaps a solid black. I can tell you that when I wore my sleeve on the plane this vacation, the graphite tie dye looked like a cool accessory. No one would have thought twice unless they had the condition themselves. The Juzo I'm wearing is very comfortable. I wanted to use the gauntlet, but it felt too tight and they only make a 20-30, not a 15-20 in this style. Oh well... and be well :-).
0 -
That is encouraging CJRT. I figure it has to get better. It's either that or the looney bin for me. Today was pretty much OK. That's better than a lot of days have been.
0 -
Yeah, BC BC, funny. I would ea lot better if I weren't wrestling with AIs . 3 mos on Arimedex, aches, hurt getting out of bed, etc. doc changed me to Aromasin. 1 week fine, now my ands are getting SEs and the other aches are returning. Plus hot flashes, even worse sleep unless I ate ambien which I try not to take every night. I just didn't expect problems (sister didn't have) so its kind of making me feel like I'm sick again. Same with the Ativan- definitely taking it today. Doc didn't want me start Lexapro till we saw how new AI went, add one change at a tie which I get. But I'm discouraged.
0 -
Hang in there Lisa
0 -
Lisa...I hope you are feeling better. It's tough when they are trying to adjust meds so that they do what they need to do, but don't make you feel lousy in the process. Hang in!
How is everyone else doing?
The new year will be here soon and hopefully, a fresh start.
Rabbit
0 -
Hi Rabbit. Each moment is a fresh start -- or can be. I don't expect anything magical will happen with the new year. We will still be breast cancer survivors hoping that it doesn't come back and wondering if that ache or pain is more than just an ache or pain. I got a little weepy making out Christmas cards today. I had the feeling this could be the last time I do that. Let's hope that wasn't a premonition, just a recognition of mortality.
0 -
Hi Dunes...You are right. Each moment is a fresh start. I just keep thinking/hoping that the further out we are from our diagnosis and treatment, the easier it will be to move on and not look over our shoulder. Hang in!
0 -
Ok, does anyone take an SSRI? My PCP thinks it would make me feel better. I would like to feel better but am concerned about more medication. Plus scared of MORE side effects. know people who have taken it and it's helped...l what do you think?
0 -
I got off my SSRI because there is a link between SSRI use and breast cancer. I've been on SSRI's since they frist came out and other antidepressants since 1981. SSRIs are terrible to get off of. Other than that, their side effects have been minimal for me. of course, I really don't know where I end and the SSRIs begin anymore. I've been off mine for about a month now. It took me months of tapering to get to where I could stop them. I still feel dizzy. Obviously, you do what feels right for you, but if I had it to do over, I would never have started those pills. Learn meditation and cognitive behavior modification techniques. Get lots of sun when you can and takes lots of vitamin D. What do you enjoy or what did you enjoy? Do that.
0 -
Hey Girls -
I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. (Or whatever you celebrate this season). Even though we've never met, this is the place I come when I'm feeling scared, overwhelmed, or bitchy. And I've read about so many of your ups and downs, and the ups are always so inspiring. And when I've been feeling down - you have always scraped me off the bottom.
So thanks.
And I really hope that everyone finds happiness this season. And Merry Christmas to all you inner warriors! (I'm heading to Cuba tomorrow - and I'm taking my warrior with me. She'll be by the pool with her sword, drinking mojitos)
Janet
0 -
Have a wonderful trip and great,Christmas ... Enjoy the mojitos.
0 -
As if fighting breast cancer wasn't enough, I'm now fighting for a healthy workplace. How can someone bully a cancer survivor! Unbelievable, but it's true! Stress is the last thing that I need.
Please help pass this the Healthy Workplace bill in Maryland: www.change.org/petitions/maryl...
0 -
Janet...have a great trip. You deserve it! Hopefully you will come back refreshed and renewed after the holidays,
Hopeful...so sorry you are dealing with a bad situation at work. You are right that stress is not helpful. How can we help?
Rabbit0 -
Please sign the petition to support the passing of the Healthy Workplace Bill in Maryland. Only 3 more signatures are needed and you can sign anonymously. The worse thing is that my bully knows what I've been through with BC and it's a woman.
0 -
I returned to work after all my treatments and had a bully boss (woman) who made me so sick I had to leave the workplace as she was killing me. My doctors signed me back out on permanent LTD. I told her that if she didn't change her behavior she would get cancer too. She went out on medical leave 6 months later and I've since learned she has advanced brain cancer.
moral of my story is we all need to take care of ourselves and avoid stress and toxic situations and people. Surround yourself with light, music and upbeat people and laugh. It's helps me each day. I refuse to be subjected to unhappy environments. My life, and what is left of it, is reserved for happy, spiritual people. I used to be the most negative and angry person you can imagine. Before the cancer. I'm blessed with the change in personality it has brought me.
I hope you ladies can find some happiness and peace somehow. My story is very much like yours.
Hugs
0 -
Katarina, all I can say to that is WOW! Sometimes, people get what they deserve. Maybe her cancer will help her to change her behavior and life... maybe not. Good for you for only keeping decent people around. That's the way I feel. Well, I'm off to see my husband's side of the family. Can't get away from this one, but I can try to keep a positive attitude :-). Heck, it's only 5 days and only once a year!
Happy Holidays to Everyone and thanks for all the support this last year! You guys rock!
0 -
Karma ... A wonderful thing. My boss during this was transferred in August thankfully and then I returned to work. I am the financial person in a large high school. She tried to say that I was incompetent ... When I returned I saw all sorts of things so I insisted on an audit. The finding were that I knew what I was doing but my replacement (who was wonderful according to her) and my former Principal were non compliant and broke policy on numerous occasions. They will receive letters for this ... I on the other hand am ok. I did my happy dance.
0 -
I was stronger during treatment and right after because I believed that because of all those people running aroung with pink ribbons and bc being the cause celebre that I would get throiugh it minus a boob and some self esteem.
I've lost all those things that I enjoyed about being me and living the life I created such as my ability to " do whatever I wanted to", my job AND career, my family and friends (you know, everyone has a sister/friend/coworker/etc who had Stage 5 cancer (I actually was told that by my brother in law) and bounced back within a certain amount of time and, therefore, expects other bc survivors to do the same), my financial well being (I lost my teaching job and career because the district didn't want to accommodate/deal with an employee who may suddenly need a LOA-I have an atty but I'm at the point the union won't pay him anymore and I'm on my own), my husband (he stays with me for caregiving and friendship-thank god), and my ability to even leave my home without a reason such as an appointment. Yes, of course I'm depressed and am on meds for it.
I have sharp pain in my existing breast. Thank god that is not a symptom of bc but wow how it hurt when I had bc in my mastectomied breast! I am 2 years overdue for a mammo. I wish I had never been treated. I don't know if I'd be here but I would go out with the great llife I'd built for myself rather than this existence.
I did not come here to be a downer. I actually came here as a last ditch effort for hope. I had to get this off my chest (oh too soon?).
0 -
nomoremammo...you have come to the right place. The ladies on here are great and between us, we have been through it all. Together, I am sure we can help. First, give yourself a break. You have been through so much over the last 3 years. The only thing I can tell you is that it gets better in time. The important thing to remember is that you DID get through it and you are still here to make the world a better place. There is always hope and things will get better, but it takes A LOT of time and incredible patience. If nothing else, please keep coming back here for hope. I was in a pretty bad place and the women on here got me through it. We will do the same for you.
Hang in there and please know that you are not alone. I am sure others will chime in with lots of help.
Rabbit
0 -
Hiya Ladies,
British lady here: Neo- adjuvant chemo, MX, Rads, Letrozole. IDC 6cm, node positive. Finished active treatment Mid Nov
Struggling these last few days - crying non-stop. I read early on in this thread someone saying 'We are fighting for our lives only to find we don't want them any more'. - This is how I feel. I am so flat. Other stuff going on too, problems with the ex, I had to stop my job, so financial worries, also family stuff.
Can't do that be postive stuff, - annoys me. Also other people's crass misinformed ill informed, just plain stupid comments.
Please help
WS xx
0 -
nomoremammo, when I was going through the treatment, appointments, etc. I was rocking. I was on top of every decision and figuring out what was going to be best for me. I recall a friend told me that "I was in my element." When all was done, I crashed. I kept trying to find joy in life, but instead I kept falling deeper into despair. All of my anxieties and emotions came to the surface every time there was a change in my life. If you read back in this thread, some of my pain was very prevalent. It was for ALL OF US. I know it probably doesn't make things easier to know others feel the same, but it can make you feel more normal. I hate the saying "This too shall pass," but my dad used it a lot and it is true.
It took a few months for me, but things did change. I am enjoying life again, but find I just have to tune out some people so I don't loose it from their stupidity. There was a great thread for a bit called STFU. It's what I think, but don't say.
I'm sorry to hear that your work situation is such a hassle. It stinks when there are others out there who make our lives miserable when we are trying to pull it back together. Please go in for the mammo. I know it's scary, but it's important to keep a check on our bodies. I also went through a period of wishing I was never treated. The SEs and permanent crap that comes from an invisible disease is sad. You'll have a great life again and never feel like a downer here. We are all here to help with our experiences and support.
wintersocks, sorry it took a bit to reply. The holidays have some of us tied up a bit. First off... crying is good. It helps our bodies release the tension and emotions that have built up. I often think that I didn't cry enough. I was more on the angry side. The flat feelings unfortunately are part of depression. They do go away, but it's different for everyone.
Right now, there isn't a lot to be positive about and we all get that. It takes time and many enjoyable events to feel positive again. Of course, for me, it also took some Adderall :-). I tried the anti-anxiety med Ativan when my mind was racing over things, I also tried anti-depressants which only made me feel uncomfortable and messed with my sleep and then in a desperate attempt for some normalcy, I tried some of my husband's old script. It helped a bit and I then had a script written for me. I believe I took 5mg or so. After a couple of weeks, I started to come back to myself. It will happen for you too. As I said for nomore... we are here for you guys. Post anytime.
0 -
Nicely expressed Rockym. It's so true. I look at pics of myself right after surgery, during chemo and radiation. I look so happy. I was filled with purpose, hope and very busy scheduling appts and researching everything in order to make all the right choices. I looked healthier too. Now a year later I feel old, tired, fat, wrinkled, hopeless, sad, no purpose, no joy. I look angry and unrested. I keep trying to force myself to be happy and grateful to be alive. Yes, every time something changes, I loose it. My landlord sold the house so now I live in a new place (that I do NOT feel comfortable in), my boss told me I was to move from my office into a cubicle. Nothing wrong with cubes, but it is a move/change that is really stirring up the anger. I miss my cat that died three days after my diagnosis. I am sad and don't feel like being around anyone. I was prescribed Effexor but am afraid to take it. I know there will be a day I will look back on this period and somehow smiling and laughter will return to my days, but it's really hard. This thread really does remind me that I'm not alone. Thank you all for sharing to openly. A new year is right around the corner.
0 -
Wintersocks -
Hi there. The bad news is that the post treatment blues are big, bad, & ugly. The good news is that you're not alone. Having said that - I'm guessing that you feel like you're pretty much alone and that nobody around you gets it, and that's probably true. And I'm really really sorry that you're feeling so crappy.
When I first came on these boards, I really needed help (and still do sometimes) . And I just couldn't understand my new body, and why the hell I would feel so bad after treatment. I'd thought, that once everything was done, that could have my life back. After a year of sh*t - I wanted to put everything behind me. But I couldn't. I couldn't come to terms with my new self. I didn't know how to handle my emotions, or my new body. The place where I'd once fit in was gone.
My friends, who are so good to me were relieved that I was back in once piece, with a good prognosis, and they seemed very willing to pick up where we left off, and I didn't know how to communicate that I was broken into a thousand pieces and had hastily put myself together, for appearances, and was very very close to falling apart. Many of the things they said pissed me off. I found the conversation trite, frivolous, or completely irrelevant. And as you said - often ill informed. I wanted to talk about myself, and at the same time, I did not want to talk about myself at all. I didn't know what I wanted. If they talked about their kids, I'd have to feign interest. I'd snap people's heads off for no reason, and the effort to go out into the world was immense - it was easier to stay home. My new post BC self didn't fit into my old life, at all.
So I cried. A lot. And I'm not really a crier. And I found that I could only do one or two things at a time, as opposed to the dozens of things I'm used to doing. But still I tried - and it backfired every time. And then I read what one of the woman said who wrote on these boards - that we are all warriors who have lost their sword, and that really hit home.
I wanted to keep fighting but I had no weapons. I had no weapons, no map, no strength, and no army. My support team at the hospital had done their job and moved on. I needed a new kind of support team for all my invisible problems and I didn't know where to start, and I didn't have the strength to look I just wanted to be home and to keep things as simple as possible. When I'd be at work, or driving, or at dinner, I was always at the risk of losing it, and I felt like I should be wearing a shirt saying 'You Have No F*cking Idea Who I Am'.
I am now 6 month past radiation with a great prognosis, but with another big surgery coming up. I look back on the last few months and I don't know how I got through - but I did. I wish that I could give you some advise on how you could get back on your feet, but the only thing I know for sure is that everything you are feeling is normal and if you feel like your life is a struggle - that's because it is. All that you've been through - and now you have to deal with an ex, and financial issues, and that's a very heavy load. In my opinion - too much for one woman to bear. And the only choice is trying to move forward, one inch at a time - even if it means that some days you slide backwards, and end up crying in the closet. And accepting that it is a slow process and that some days we're psychopaths, and some days it feels like the bottom has fallen out of our world.
I was away over Christmas - and I had a chance (in the blazing sun, with mojitos) to reflect on all that I've been through. And I can barely believe it. Being in the center of the hurricane makes it seem almost normal - being at the hopital every day...a jammed packed appointment book. But thinking back on the last year made me feel like I was watching a horror movie starring me. It was awful. I talked myself into remembering how great the nurses were, and my friends, and my partner, and how I had a great wig and all sorts of other crap, but it was f*cking awful. You sound like you've had a rough time - so if you're falling apart, you're absolutely normal, and sometimes falling apart is the best you can do. Don't underestimate all that you've been through, and all that you've done. Cancer is not for the feint of heart.
But this isn't the end of your story, British lady. It might feel like the end of the road, but I've heard it often enough and felt it often enough, to believe that it is temporary. Another giant hurdle. The one that nobody tells you about until your sobbing in your car (me) and showing up on friends doorsteps unannounced crying uncontrollably (also me). The thing that makes you feel like you're in the wrong clothes, in the wrong body, with the wrong people and the wrong stuff.
I wish I could tell you how to get through this. It seems different for everybody. When I wrote in looking for help, some women kindly suggested anti-depressants. I chose not to do that. And I didn't want to see a psychiatrist, because I tried that during treatment, and it was wildly unsuccessful. Same with self help groups - though I think that was a case of being in the wrong one, because I think those types of things do work. Exercise is good - always - but it 's pretty damn hard to drag your arse out the door when you're feeling rotten. For me - I guess - it was just making it through each and every breakdown and slowly pulling myself back together. (Not a pretty sight) I leaned on good friends, and I tried not to take on to much stuff. I said no a lot. And I'm slowly coming to start to get used to whoever I am. Or whoever I happen to be that day. I still can't take it when people say ' You never used to...' but I get bitchy about a lot of stuff these days.
I truly didn't think I'd be able to get to the point I am today.But I did, and you will too. And whatever you're feeling, know that you are not alone. And there are people out here willing to hold your hand.
I hope today is better than yesterday.
Janet
0 -
Hey girls, a fellow poster Dawnsm said her husband told her this. I am not trying to say that you are depressed but just think of this in the manner of how strong you have been and how you now are feeling weak. I so agree that emotions and grief are ever changing.
"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign you've been strong for too long."
Someone else posted "The 10 commandments of breast cancer" and there was something along the lines of this (I am paraphrasing). We may feel, happy, angry, sad, fear, etc etc, and all in about 15 minutes. LOL
Sheryl
0 -
Today and yesterday were crappy days for me. However, I don't have ALL crappy days like I was having. Months ago I found out that people I thought were friends either were never really my friends or just couldn't handle the cancer thing. So, yeah, there are a lot of changes after cancer treatment: facing up to my own mortality, early retirement due to asshole boss, loss of income due to early retirement, being unable to physically do things I used to do, being mentally unable to do things I used to do, pretty much perpetual PMS from the serotonin-blocking supplements/drugs, other physical crap resulting from the cancer (like the walnut-sized external hemmorrhoid that I got from the constipation from the pain meds -- which decided to return yesterday for no damned reason whatsoever). Lots of stuff. I am having to be alone an awful lot and am trying to learn to like my own company. Difficult.
However, I am much better than I was when I first found this thread. So, hang in there. Whenever possible, do nice things for yourself. Try to exercise and eat right. If you have friends, try to keep in touch with them and remember that they may have their own demons. Really. It does get better. I just had a crappy couple of days and so am finding it difficult to sound upbeat.
0 -
Janet, thank you for a brilliant post. It should be required reading for all spouses/family/friends/coworkers of recent cancer survivors!
The word STRUGGLE stood out to me. When I think of struggle, I think of a single mom with two jobs and five kids, or a medical student trying to study on 4 hours sleep, or a recent immigrant trying to learn a new language and culture. You know, something *difficult*. Getting through treatment was a struggle for all of us.
I didn't expect that, in the year post treatment, it would be a struggle to work an 8-hour day, or even a 6-hour day. I didn't think it would be a struggle to walk around the block, or vacuum the house, or stand up at a party for an hour. It's getting better bit by bit, but my self-image as a fast-walking, hard-working, intensely focused business woman has changed to an image of a creaky middle-aged woman who dabbles in graphic design a couple hours a day.
I began my post-treatment year with plans and expectations: I would start the couch-to-5k program the first week of January and run my first 5K in March. I would be working full time by mid-February. I had a schedule of milestones for my business.
My treatment ended just before the New Year, so the turn of the year more or less marks my anniversary. As I look forward to Survivor Year #2, all bets are off. I am less physically fatigued, and hope to continue staying physically active. I have taken a vacation from working, so I won't know until next week if my chemo brain has subsided any more or I'll still be battling attention issues, and if so, for how long. I'll see a neurologist in March if it is still an issue. My chest still hurts every single day from scar adhesions and costochondritis. Maybe that will heal; maybe not. I've grown accustomed to the pain.
Maybe I'll put this further and further behind me. Maybe I'll have a recurrence. Maybe I'll have a metastasis. I hope not, but as well all know, it can happen. I'm not going to worry about it, just eat my broccoli and hope for the best.
0 -
cfdr, had to laugh since I was diagnosed in Nov. 2012 I have been feeding my DH and self, broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and all the cruciferous veggies we can stand. Gonna try anything that may help further cancer from growing.
Take care, Sheryl
0 -
I've done what I could do to help me feel better today and I am just moving closer to suicidal with each passing moment. I exercised, took a shower, laid down and slowly did a session of MLD, put some nice coconut oil in my hair and on my face, and even put a decent sweater on (despite the fact that I'm not going anywhere in this icy snowy crap). I don't know what else I can do. This is day 3 of feeling like crap, and do you want to know what is doing it? A freaking hemorrhoid. A large, painful, external one. It's thanks to the cancer surgery and the pain meds that caused such bad constipation afterwards. This is bullshit, and I don't think I can stand it. That might sound stupid, but that's a fact. I am considering my suicide options as I type. I can't even take pain meds for this because the pain meds cause constipation which would definitely not help this situation. Fucking cancer. Fuck my life.
0 -
Dune sleeper, I am sorry your are at your wit's end, but if you don't mind, I would like to pass on a suggestion for hemorrhoid relief.
Ice packs and if you can get it, witch hazel. Been there many times and I know the pain. A bag of frozen veggies works good. Good luck and hang in there.0
