Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Dunesleeper.....I suffer badly from haemorrhoids and I take preparation H.....it really works!!!!!!
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Dunes...Tucks pads help a lot, too. I think that is witch hazel, or something like it, which Outdamnedspot recommended. Leaving one of those on the hemorrhoid can be helpful. Out and Scottie's great recommendations should help. Hang in there. We are all pulling for you to feel better.
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Rabbit....they gave me tucks in hospital MANY years ago when I was having my boys....forgot about that.....they also work.
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Rockym - Thank's so much for the welcoming reply
JanetM - You have really hit the nail on the head in 'getting it' - where I am right now. I certainly do feel very much alone and that the only people who understand me are those who have been through this terrible ordeal too.
I too 'don't understand my new body' - When I come out of the shower and wrap my self in the towel, I can't understand where my breast has gone and what is there now; a chafing and shifting prosthesis. The giant scar and weirdness under the arm, the lack of feeling, yet somehow still so tender and sore.
For New Year (how did this arrangement happen??) I am having over 6 people (good people) yet, I feel I have nothing to say, I just know that somebody will say something 'wrong' and I will have to bite my lip. I cannot be like them now and they cannot be like me. They will look at me differently and I them.
Your description of 'wrongness' is absolutely spot on and describes how I feel so accurately. I thank you for your openess and honesty.
I have tried to see a counsellor guy, whom I found hopeless and indeed said all the wrong things. So, I won't be going back there. I do have some friends from the British version of this site, but I can't be so open. I think many people (with/without cancer) are terrified of 'real' feelings and will employ lots of tactics to push them away- theirs and others. . That most often quoted 'the positive chat', leaves me feeling totally misunderstood and angry that that is all people can come up with.
I am also so tired and weary and have had flu all over Christmas too. My teenage boys will not discuss the cancer. I am too tired to explain how it is for me.
I just want to stay in. I don't want the phone/doorbell to ring. I cannot think how to get out of this frame of mind. Perhaps it is just time?
Your understanding makes me feel less alone. Thank-you.
WSx
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Wintersocks.....feel the same way.....hardly ever spend time with my friends now .....I feel they are "different" from me .....I feel jealous .....then I feel guilty for feeling jealous so then I just go home and cry about it all. Right now, I am only comfortable with family members, my new family here and a few beautiful women I met here that I see from time to time. Just don't feel I have anything in common with my friends anymore.....I know it
sounds and is ridiculous, but that's how I feel at the moment.....hoping we get over this
at some point. My therapist also was not very helpful...lovely woman, but did nothing really for me.. Let's hope this year will bring positive changes for us all.0 -
I have been having some moments lately that echo much of what you are expressing.
I have three really good friends and for the last 4 months have felt 'abandoned' by one of them and it hurts...somewhat. She went through some horrible times in her life 10 years ago, and we would drop everything if she called. She didn't even call to say she wasn't coming on Boxing Day for dinner. The other two have been great with one of them calling or texting often and she did drive me twice to rads.
I didn't have to have chemo, so I think people might think 'okay, she's over it'. Oh well, I'm here with all you wonderful ladies who totally get it.
BTW...The Canadian Cancer Society offers some programmes and I am starting one in mid-January...'Living Well Beyond Cancer.' 6 weeks, total of 15 hours of group counselling led by trained survivors. I think it's just what I need.
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dunesleeper, please call a suicide hot line NOW! They can be very helpful. I know we are supportive here, but having a real voice to talk to helps. I recall chatting with a hot line person via computer and that was okay, but I called and the real person was better. The funny side was that I could tell the young man on the other end was just that... young. I was talking about my boobs and whatever else was hurting me emotionally and I believe that when I got off the phone I found the whole thing rather funny.
There is also a very nice lady on our BCO who works on a suicide hot line. She gave me her phone number and I called her a few times. I understand that it only take one damn thing to get us over the edge sometime. It's hard when we don't have control of things. Get something to sooth your bottom and go and pick up the phone. You'll feel better. Let us know you're okay, please.
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I'm still breathing. I can't bring myself to call the suicide hotline. My mother wants me to call a doctor about my butt problem, but I can't bring myself to do that either. It's not an emergency. They don't care if I'm in pain. I don't have a gun, so it's not an emergency. And if I'd had a gun I'd have been out of my pain 7 hours ago. But I don't. So here I am. I took some more pills so that hopefully I can go back to sleep. While sleeping today I dreamed about guns. Rifles/shotguns mostly. So it wasn't actual suicide dreams. Guns are obviously on my mind though.
Anyway, sorry to upset anyone. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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dunesleeper, breathing is good :-). By now you are probably asleep. Your not upsetting us when you express yourself. Sometimes it just feels better to yell it out. Tomorrow is another day... hope it is better for you.
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Thank you Rocky.
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Good morning, Dunes. It is a new day and I pray it is a good one for you.
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Dunesleeper how are you today? Please post and let us know.
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Yes, dunesleeper, please let us know. I hope the world looks a bit brighter this morning.
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Dunesleeper -
Good Morning. The sky is blue in Toronto this morning - I hope there's some brightness where you are too.
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Wintersocks - A dinner for six is gusty undertaking, but why not? The best (and most likely scenario) is a fabulous night with your friends, and the worst that can happen is that you end up under your duvet. Both sound pretty good right about now.
At times like this I like to play the 'so what?' game that a therapist taught me. It goes like this -
'I'm worried that I can't get through the night'
'So what?'
'I might start crying'
'So what?'
'I might call someone an arsehole'
'So what'
'I'll be embarassed'
'So what'
'I might have to send everyone home with a bag of burnt chicken and they won't talk to me again'
'So what?'
I'm not trying to insult anyone by oversimplfying things, but a little session of 'so what?' often calms me down. Please keep us posted,
Janet
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(((((dunesleeper)))))
I have been where you are more times than I can count. The feeling of doom can come when I feel pain that I believe is connected to the cancer (it never is, but the belief is enough to cast a pall over my life). Just please know that these feelings will NOT last forever. You will get through this.
It's ok to just take life five minutes at a time if that helps. You may be feeling too anergic to even take care of yourself. That's ok! Just sleep, if that helps. Watch a movie.
And, again, a huge hug. So, so sorry for what you are enduring.
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1Athena1,
Thanks for my word of the day, anergic! Never heard it before but it is so descriptive of what I feel at times. Thanks, Sheryl
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Worried about Dunesleeper......does anyone have her phone number????
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I'm worried, too, and do not have Dunes' phone number. Dunes...please check in with us. We care. Just let us know you are o.k.
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I have hesitated all day to respond to this thread because I don't want to lose credibility or trust, but here goes. I notified the moderators yesterday about the threats of suicide. The responded that they had contacted her and provided her with resources. I apologize if my report feels like a violation of trust but I had to go with what I felt was the best move.
Sheryl
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Sheryl...I don't know about anyone else, but I am grateful that you did that. Like all of us, I have been so concerned and it is a horrible feeling to feel like there is nothing we can do. I didn't realize that contacting the moderators was an option. Thank you for doing that. No apology necessary. You did what you felt was right and meant for some good to come from it. In my time of need, I would want the same efforts made on my behalf.
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Thanks for saying that Rabbit. I myself have had some truly low points in life and would want someone to reach out to me.
Sheryl
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Wintersocks (please pm me if you wish to as i am english too) , Janet and so many others....I am SOOOO relieved to read all your posts as I now feel normal.....I am totally sick of people telling me to feel positive as I don´t! I feel like an alien in my own life......I postted about how I felt on another forum and everyone was on my case about feeling grateful and don´t post negative stuff etc, but I had no other outlet....
I just think what was it all for? Then I feel really guilty as I know people who really wanted to live and were still in treatment or with recurrences who died.......
I hurt at screaming pitch, physically and emotionally, I feel traumatised and so dis-connected from others.....and it is now invading every aspect of my life, what I wear, doing my dance classes etc.....I can never escape feeling so WRONG in my own skin and I have felt on ther edge for weeks, trying to keep going, got sick with chest infection for a month, and still feel on the edge of sanity, how can I hold opposing fears and wishes at the same time!
I am REAL about this and it is a **** road to be on, I hate the word journey as its not, its just hell, sheer hell and at the end I get told I have 80% chance of recurrence, right now how do I get that out of my head????? I felt fairly ok til then but now every advert on TV for cancer just strikes terror in my gut and its on several times a day at moment, and I hate that too, EVERY day there are so many things that hit me as a horrid blow that I would not have noticed before, my remaining breast hurts all the time and i am worried about that too, especially as I had lobular so no lump......
Janet - thank you for your post, right now I can´t see that happening for me.......
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Sheryl - you did the right thing - Dunesleeper I tormented myself with thoughts of best way to kill myself all over Christmas, I feel like my life is over and I don´t like the new one at all . or the new me......and even friends who i know care about me talk to me and they just do not get it, and then I feel even worse......
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Sheryl, thank you, ditto from me...you did the right thing......I am so worried about her.
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Is anyone else thinking about Dunesleeper.....I wish we could get some news about her.
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Good for you, Sheryl - great move. No need to doubt the wisdom of your move. I am glad she is ok.
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Is she ok....did I miss something????
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Scottiee...Sheryl reached out to the moderators to contact Dunesleeper and I think most, if not all of us, are grateful. I, too am very concerned. We haven't heard from Dunes, but apparently the mods reached her.
Dunes...please give us a shout out that you are o.k. I lit a candle for you at church today.
Lily...welcome. You are in the right place. We all get it and you are completely normal. And I don't like the word "journey" either. Another lady on here and I decided journey should just be referred to when speaking of a rock band and not a shi**y experience like we have all had. Come back often. It's a great group.
Janet...my new motto will be "so what?"...love that! All this cr*p changes our perspective and "so what?" sums it up well!
Hang in there, all. It's almost a new year! And hopefully, a better one for all of us.
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Rabbit....I know that Sheryl reached out to the mods, thank God, but Imwish we could hear some news!!!!!
My new motto is similar...."who cares"....lol.....yes my perspective has certainly changed a lot and now....."who cares"0
