Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Rabbit -
Grrr. I don't understand why people think they can take off your hat. I wouldn't go up to someone and pull their pants down!
I'm going back to work tomorrow, and am dreading the hair conversation. If anybody touches my hat I'm kicking them in the shins.
Janet
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Just adding my own experience. Went through lumpectomy, re-excision, bilat mastectomy, chemo, rads extremely well. Good energy positive attitude. Even had a cocktail party on May 12th. Finished rads on May 24th. All good until a couple of days after rads. Yes my chest is very burned on the left side so that is a drag. But there is something else. A feeling of loss somehow. Slept really well all through rads. Now waking up at 2a.m. even with Valerian root. A bit teary today. I am due to start Arimidex in a few weeks so I know it isn't hormone blocker related.
So I came here hoping for some enlightment and found this thread. Not happy that we have to go through this too, but there is comfort in knowing I am not crazy.
Watched a funny movie again that makes me laugh and that always helps Horrible Bosses.
Looking for a job. Not sure if I can even get one any more. Age is definitely an issue now with the job market so awful and I am no longer a spring chicken. My hair is about three inches long, and it came back very curly wasn't before. I colored it last week was white to a light brown with blonde frosting. Hoping it makes me look younger. If the curls don't loosen up I will look like Harpo Marx in a month.
That last part is my Debbie Downer talking.
I hope that we can all get to a point where this is a dim memory. My best to you and thanks for all your posts.
Kathy
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Thanks for making me feel more normal... I broke down the other day at work when someone asked how i was feeling....when doesvthis get better?
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I like the comment someone posted before- something about the warrior being on vacation. That is how I feel, she is on an all expenses paid vacation with no known return flight home.. But I know if she returns home, I will be once again be fighting this horrible disease. THAT I do not wish to do- so I am trying to find my courage princess, the gal that gets me through the day, taking in all the wonders of the world like a little child. Just a small example, last night sitting in a window seat of an open window, pouring rain outside. Taking it all in! The smells, the sounds, the beauty-shedding tears, why i do not know.
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Janet...inquiring minds want to know...did you have to kick anyone in the shins yesterday on your first day back to work? And please tell me noone used the word "journey" unless they were talking about that secret trip to Paris you are planning! I guess the beauty of this whole thing is that I don't even know you, but was thinking about you yesterday since I knew you had to deal with going back to work for the first time. Hope it went well.
Chatsworthgirl...glad you found us. It is comforting to find out you aren't crazy, isn't it? I know I was worried about that until I realized through this thread that this is all very normal. I haven't seen Horrible Bosses, but like a good laugh, so I will check it out. My hair came back mostly gray and VERY curly (tight Shirley Temple curls) after being straight as a stick my entire adult life and if I didn't color it, I would look like a very old Bozo the Clown. I like the Harpo Marx comparison...hadn't thought of that one.
Fredntan...yep, you are normal! I break down all the time at the littlest thing or at nothing at all. In time, I think our breakdowns will be fewer and farther between. I certainly hope so. Until that time, I don't leave home without some kleen-x.
Lory...I love the "courage princess" idea. You are right...our warrior has done her work. That's why she is gone. Let's hope we don't need her to come back. Hadn't thought of it that way, but I like it. Thanks for helping to adjust my perspective.
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What she said!
I too was wondering if Janet had to "correct" someone yesterday, and enjoyed reading the others' perspectives.
If I were going to kick someone, it might be the person who pulled your hat off without permission, Rabbit. I want to hunt that person down and set a few things straight...
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Hmm. I never felt like a warrior, well maybe a grunt in the infantry. Not a cool warrior with a flaming sword. It was more like Winston Churchill's "if you are going hell, keep going." Just to get up and keep moving (hopefully forward) was all I could do. Now that ability to keep moving seems to have completely subsided. I spent all weekend sitting in my chair and looking at all the sh*t I need to do in the house, looking out the window, looking at the disaster that is my yard. I need an energizer bunny in my pocket. Somebody to get me goingandgoingandgoing.
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Rabbit -
Well, the good news is that I've been back at work for two days and I haven't cried (in public). The bad news is that I'm so incredibly tired that when I got home tonight, I could barely pull the cork out of my bottle of chardonnay. But I managed, and now I'm sitting back and enjoying a glass of wine.
I don't like being back at work. I feel like I'm dong someone else's job, and wearing someone else's clothes. I really miss the slow pace of my part time job and yoga classes, where everything I did was nourishing my head, or my heart. Now I have a lot to do and it all seems so irrelevant. I spend my time in my car thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just want to travel, or spend time with my dog. Making money doesn't seem like a lofty goal, even though at this point I really need it. I even miss the hospital. Never thought I'd say that, but there are some nurses there that really rocked - and I miss the mutual understanding between all the baldies, and almost bladies, and warrior princesses and Bozo the clowns.
Because I can wear whatever I want to work, wearing my hat was no big deal though. (But I think it might be different on day four when it's obvious that I will never take it off). A few people said 'You cut your hair', but only one guy said 'let me see'. I told him that he could see it in August, and then I walked away. He didn't try to grab it - so there was no need to kick him - but I was fully prepared to knee him in the balls if he'd come any closer.
The only time I almost cried was when someone asked me where I'd been. I told them I'd been around and they said, 'that's too bad. I hoped you were off on a fabulous trip.' Then I started feeling sorry for myself because I would have liked to have been on a fabulous trip, and I likely would have been if it wasn't for the canceritis. (my sisters nickname for the diagnosis). But what happened instead was so much more intense than a trip, but I choose not to talk about it, so I just have to act cheery and pretend that everything is normal.
Then I had to go to a fabric store and the owner did a double take when he saw me, and said he didn't recognize me. He's about 75, with a thick New York accent. But after a few minutes he came up to me and said, 'Hey - ya look sharp'. So that cheered me up a little.
And thanks for thinking of me. It's nice to have other people on the same page. By the way, my beloved is sitting across from me, having just come in from watering some plants. Apparently it was quite an ordeal, because he's complaining about being exhausted. Really?!?! What does a radiated gal say to that? I think I'll just keep drinking my wine......
Hope that everyone is hanging in,
Janet
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Chicago1958...where are you in Chicago? I am in the northwest suburbs. Thanks for the back-up on the woman who lifted my hat off my head. I imagine my reaction was all she needed to realize she had done something really stupid.
Cindyl...I laughed out loud when I read your "grunt in the infantry" analogy. I, too, sat around all last weekend (and the better part of this week, too, as a matter of fact) looking at all the sh*t I need to do around the house. Problem is that I poop out as soon as I sit down anywhere, so not much gets done.
Janet...yeah! You did it! Your first week back to work is almost over. Congratulations. I get the post-treatment tiredness. At least you were able to pull the cork off the chardonnay...phew! The night I am too tired to pour myself a glass of cabernet, I will know I am in real trouble! I hope you got through day 4 without undue questions about your head-cover.
I know what you mean about acting cheery and pretending everything is normal. I feel like I have been doing that for a long time. In fact, I have often thought that I should get an academy award for my performance. As summer approaches, I have been wondering how I will keep up the charade to my 5 kids all summer long. At least during the school year, I could have a good cry after dropping them off at school. Now I will have to either keep it together or escape somewhere when I am falling apart! Hmm, guess I better figure that out by Tuesday.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
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One week down at work, and now I'm just sitting around the house looking at all the s*it that needs to be done. I don't really care that the sofa is covered in dog hair, or that there's cat barf in the guest room, I just want to drown myself in movies and dark chocolate.
Besides trying to be cheerful at work, I'm also trying to pretend that I'm interested, while doing the least amount of work humanly possible. My job seems really frivoulous and when my colleagues are dicsussing the colour of fabric, my mind is wandering to my itchy breasts, or my scars, or what the best way is to cook fiddleheads. No matter what comes out of my mouth, the voice in my head is saying, 'I don't care?!'. I'm going to give it another couple of weekss, and try not to be judgemental, but if it becomes stressful I will consider quitting. I need the paycheque, but I'd be willing to take a cut in pay for something that was less intense.
Anyway, I think I'll let things fall apart at home for a while. I don't even want to put an enrgizer bunny in my pocket. I just want to sit here hatless, in my comfy pants. (My partner is also covered in dog hair so he doesn't really notice).
I went to the farmer's market this morning and bought all sorts of delicious looking organic treats. I've always eaten quite well, but now I must admit, I'm developping an aversion to mass-produced food and the container it comes in. My farm fresh eggs were SO much eggier than the ones from the supermarket.
Rabbit - once again I marvel at anyone getting through all this with five kids that are still in school. There should be some sort of award for that. At the VERY least, free massages and pedicures for life. I hope that you find time this summer to do some nice things for yourself. How old are you kids, by the way?
How's everyone else doing? Hope you're all finding your energizer bunnies, flaming swords, safe palces, and a way of finding 'normal'.
Janet
PS (I used to have a flaming sword. Now it's more like a Bic lighter that I hold up while I'm lying on my hairy sofa)
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Just as well. The flaming sword would ignite the corgi hair, and take the whole house. Well, at my house it's corgi hair. You may have a different variety.
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Not much different. I have a basset hound.
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Janet - thanks for your kind words. My kids are 4, 7, 10, 13 and 15. Yes...we go from pre-school to almost having a license. They are my life and were in the forefront of my mind when I was diagnosed and throughout treatment. I must say that telling them that I was sick was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
At Christmas, I basically got another kid. We got a 11 week old black labrador retriever puppy. He is ALOT of work and he is extremely naughty, but incredibly cute and he doesn't mind at all if I cry, which is a big bonus. He does shed like crazy, so I am in touch with the dog hair thing and glad to not have my trusty old flaming sword near the sofa or the carpets.
I know things are tough at work. If you decide to leave your current job, I certainly hope you will consider doing some writing...maybe freelancing for a magazine or newspaper? You have a real gift, Janet. My guess is that you like to write...at least it seems that way.
Cindyl...cute pic of your corgi!
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Thanks Rabbit. If you could zoom in and peer under her right paw, that's her havanese brother. She started him out right. Under her thumb.
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Rabbit, what you said in the initial post here describes what I am going through perfectly. I am thinking PTSD, and I have an appointment with a shrink. Also, I am quitting my job. I just can't do it, not with my emotions the way they are. Then again, quitting the job is causing emotionality of its own. I'm hoping the shrink can help.
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Cindyl - you are too funny....under her thumb! LOL.
dunesleeper - glad you found us. I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote that initial post, but the women that post on here are incredibly helpful. It is amazing how people I have never met have had such an impact on me. I hope you have the same experience. PTSD is probably right on. Someone on here also wrote about the stages of grief and some of that has rung true for me, too. I think it gets better with the passage of time. Some minutes/hours/days are better than others. Good luck with the shrink and work stuff. Hopefully you can find something that brings you joy, although I know that sometimes it's easier said than done. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
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I went through that last year when radiation ended. I was a wreck. Im triple negative, so I Tamoxifen does me no good. I felt like I wasn't doing anything anymore to fight cancer. Eventually I got through it and now obsess over little things. The journey is really tough. Thank goodness they have BCO and support groups.
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Post-treatment support groups are a huge help, though they can be tough to find!
I had to wait a few months, but it really made an unbelievable difference in 6 weeks.
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I'm all in favor of quitting the wrong job. I finally successfully quit mine, in the sense that I'm back to freelancer status next week, but will continue working part-time for them, on my own schedule. It was not an easy decision -- I feel like I'm surrounded by women in their 50s and 60s who are trying to find jobs and here I'm letting a good one go -- but I'm very glad I did it (and that my husband is okay with it). I kept thinking, "maybe I should hang on to it for long-term security" and then I'd think, "but I may not be around for the long-term" which is true for everyone in the world, but not something I would have thought about pre-b.c.
Janet, I too have that "who cares?" response so often with work situations. I can't decide if other people really care? or if they're faking it too? There's a mirror facing my desk now and I see myself rolling my eyes during conference calls. By working freelance, I feel less fakey, because it's clear I'm going to jump ship asap. Hope we all find a better fit, and that includes you, Dunesleeper. (I almost typed Duneslayer, which is a little different, isn't it -- must be all the flaming sword references above!)
(And a quick pep talk for Janet, echoing others -- the special thing about your writing is that you have a voice. We can tell who you are by reading just one post. That's unusual, and why not take advantage of it? Maybe there's a way to get a wider audience for your blog...)
Rabbit, I'll PM you to talk about Chicago. I don't know how you're doing it with five kids. Hope they help you.
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Chicago Girls -
Thank you so much for the pep talks, and encouragement about my writing. Rabbit, you're right - I really do enjoy it. And Chicago 1958 - I appreciate all suggestions and input. I secretly would love a wider audience. It's really fun for me - and it' real life.
I'm sitting at my desk right now and there's a crisis going on because someone ordered 15 blinds of a wrong colour, and the drapes are too short. I honestly don't care. Everyone left the office in a panic, and I checked in with this message board, which gives you an indication of how uncommited I am to this project. Things will sort themselves out.( Love that you're rolling your eyes during the conference calls). At the end of the day it's still a sh*tty tv show and the target audience is about 150 years old and aren't concerned about the length of the curtains.
Dunesleeper- (Duneslayer) - I was in a big black hole when I first found this thread too, and I suspect there will be more dark days ahead. But most days I feel hopeful. Confused, overwhelmed, detached...but still hopeful. Trying to fit my new thoughts into my old life. Don't have a clue who I really am anymore and there's going to be some serious rebuilding.
I hope things get better for you.
Janet
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I have decided that the best thing I can do for me is seize control of those things I need to control and let everything else fend for itself. So with that in mind. I need to lose weight. I was a chubby child, a fat teen and now find myself to be an obese cancer survivor. Studies tell us that this is a bad thing. I had, successfully been ignoring my weight for the last 25 years of so, but going to through this treatment where the weigh you often, I was forced to admit that those numbers on the scale weren't a fluke. The bs, the pcp, the ro, all pretty much agree I'm fat. And the MO is even worse, their scale weighs me 6 lbs heavier than anyone else
So 25 years and 60+ lbs after my last real attempt at losing weight I started doing some research, found a cute little smart pedometer (the fitbit) that will track every step I take, and allow me to track what I eat, it even tracks how much and how well I sleep and puts it all on a handy screen. I set my goal. To lose 100 lbs to get down to the ideal weight for a person of my height. I told the program I wanted to lose it slow and easy and the helpful little program tells me that I can be to my goal by March of 2016. Once that would have discouraged me, but as I am taking tamoxifen for the next 5 years, I figure I can change my eating and exercise habits and lose all that weight by the time I "finish" treatment. May God help my friends and family!
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Cindy! I have a fitbit too! (I have to stop thinking of it jokingly as my fatbutt...) I bought it just before we moved, used it a week or so, and it's been packed away since then, but I've been thinking it's time to break it out.
I'm with you, thinking that this is the time to be as healthy as possible. I'm going to put mine on right now. Thanks for the motivation, and good luck to both of us!
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Good for you! I was never an exerciser but, I used to water walk a lot, (the drs have put the kibosh on that for another month or so) and I used to be fairly active at work, but we've changed my duties around with my dx (and possible le) so I spend a lot more time sitting at my computer, and I've been sitting here feeling helpless. But I'm not. What I eat and how much I move around, I can control. So let's move.
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Cindy and Chicago: WTG on taking control over your diet and exercise. I am doing pretty well with the diet, and I will start regular exercise in July.
I turned in my retirement letter, which is quite a relief. It was actually quite a relief to find you ladies. I was totally losing it. Truly, I did not know what I might say or do. I certainly felt like I had no control over myself.
At this moment, I have some anxiety. However, I have pretty much put the worst of it on a back burner. There is no sense worrying about it. I have to wait to see how much money I will get in pension. Maybe it will be enough to live on. Maybe not. There's not a whole lot I can do about it either way. This job has been killing me for a long time, and I simply cannot wait any longer for them to make things right. Supposedly they are in the process of changing the job, but as I said, I just cannot wait. So, deep breath in, and . . . jump.
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Congratulations, Dunesleeper. When you're that miserable in a job, you really don't have a choice, that's what I think, and it sounds like you're thinking the same way. Best, best wishes.
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Yes congratulations Dunesleeper. I had a job I hated and it was horrible. It not only was miserable while I was a work, but then I'd come home and stew. Life really is too short. I love my job now, hate to miss work, and life is much better.
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Hey Cindy. That's great! It's encouraging. I know the economy sucks and getting another job will be difficult, but it is encouraging to read Chicago's and your words. Very encouraging!
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Cindyl, That's a great goal! A five year weight loss plan sounds totally do-able, very exciting. You've got a great attitude, and I love that you're refusing to feel helpless. Just imagine the day when you take your very last pill, and slip on something fabulous.
Janet
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Ha Janet. "like a banana?" was the first thing that popped into my mind... But thanks, I know what you mean. I used to do the I've got to lose 20 lbs before swimsuit season, always setting the bar too high and failing. 850 calories till I couldn't stand it. Then feeling bad (week from hunger and angry with myself) This time I'm going to try for a healthy lifestyle, with lots of foods I like, like fresh fruit, and allowing myself to have a coke if I want one. We'll see how it goes.
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wow how I love BCO!! i was taking the time to scroll through the topics and found this thread. I too am an August DX girl. I am experiencing the same roller coaster. I feel on the verge of tears all the time. No hormones for me as I am trip neg. I think for me it is the fact that I am no longer focused on getting through each treatment and getting ready for the next one. I have much more time on my hands now since I have not had to return full time to work. Time can def be my enemy as my mind likes to stay active in the what ifs and why me's. I try to stay busy doing something but now I am trying to help my son make it through an out of the blue divorce. sometime I wonder how much more can I take emotionally! That is where all you wonderful ladies come in. More than once my sisters here have pulled my out of the abyss and back into the land of the living. Most days I am good but those bad days are just aweful. Cannot wait to have a day that I do not think about BC
Maggie
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