Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Hi Maggie. I cannot even imagine having a day where I don't think about breast cancer. I do hope it happens for you -- and me too for that matter. However, what matters to me now is that I did find this thread. I was really falling apart: a basket-case and ready to blow. I, too, was crying nearly all the time. Then there was the rage. People still need to watch out for that. LOL. And I thought, I wonder if there is a thread on bc.org about this happening. Maybe it isn't just me. It seemed so much like PTSD. And wow! There you all were, posting exactly what I was feeling and doing. Just understanding it better seems to have helped immensely. Then . . . turning in my letter of retirement really helped. My nerves are not as good today as they were yesterday, but they are controllable. Now the worst thing is how long these work days are. Just knowing that this is my last month of work is making the day drag. And next week I'll be back on night shift, which will drag even more. Oh well. Maybe I'll bring my mp3 player and headphones and dance!
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Hi Lori48:
I just found this thread and I'm so happy. I am at the same stage as you, one week out of rads. Suffering from skin issues like 3rd degree burns....skin is raw. After my last rad I thought I would be skipping all the way home,instead I felt so sad and alone.....who is taking care of me now? I think for me I had all these "goals" to achieve...biopsy, surgery,rads etc. I was so focused on all of this and now what...goals achieved....everybody is so happy for me they say now you can get on with your life....what life? I guess my "new life" where recurrence always seems to be on my mind.
I have an appointment with a shrink soon so I hope I can get some help with "my new life"0 -
Hi Scottie. I have my shrink appt Monday. I'm not terribly thrilled with my "new life" either, but it helps to know this does not have to be a permanent condition. I see it as a kind of PTSD, but there is certainly that aspect where everybody thinks you should be fine but you still don't feel fine. It is a new kind of normal. I hope others get on here and see your post and give you some good responses. I'm kind of anxiety-ridden at the moment, so I'm afraid I'm not doing a very good job.
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Thank you Dunesleeper for responding. I meant to mention also that I get so angry when my friends complain about being tired, dishes not washed up by kids etc etc...who cares I say to myself....you don't know from tired and I wish I only had t worry about DISHES...
Yeah, I need the shrink....good luck with yours.0 -
I have exploded at people a couple of times. One guy, who I was paying to cut my lawn while I was recovering, took one of my chairs. Then he wanted my ladder. The thing is, he has a couple of ladders in his yard. Anyway, when he brought it up again I told him in exasperation to just do whatever he wanted to do. The next day he told me I owed him an apology. I said "Look dude! Why don't you wait until I'm DEAD before you start picking through my shit. Ass hole!"
We're not currently speaking. LOL
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Oh it's so easy to get angry now over any little thing. I am an English teacher (adults) and they are wonderful people (new immigrants to Canada) but I have to be so careful
because sometimes I just feeling like screaming at them for insignificant little things that happen in class. I want to keep on teaching for one or two more years (I will be 65 this month) because it takes my mind off of the big C.0 -
I get you Scottiee. My patience has gone. I was prescribed seroquel to help me sleep, and I started taking them during the day. They are anti-psychotics. They don't make me feel much better, but they give me better control over my emotional outbursts. They are getting me through work for now. Hopefully the shrink will have something to offer me Monday. I have xanax too but they will take away my inhibitions, so I don't use them during the day. I hope you get to see someone who can help you. I think we will really start healing when we really feel heard.
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I am on Femara, which I think is partially responsible for my emotional outbursts. I think you are right about being heard and I hope that will happen for us, and everyone else who needs to be.
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I was just saying the same thing to my husband tonight. I had a mastectomy last July followed by chemo and now I'm on arrimidex. We were wondering if the arrimidex, which eliminates all estrogen might be causing this. I also feel that the chemo changed me in so many ways, i'm not the same.
I'm not sure what to do but i too cry every day, get panicky, irritable etc.
with no estrogen it could be like pms or menopause. Or it could be the chemo.
Chemo was toxic to the nerves, among other things and the brain is all nerves.
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Yes, PTSD. I was thinking of that just today.
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I did not have chemo JUST radiation....but I think chemo, rads, HRT are all heavy duty
and God knows how all these affect our bodies physically and emotionally. I was told that Femara can knock you back into menopause, and being 65, I have been there before, of course. The first time was a horror story for me, I was put on anti-depressants because, I
was told "your hormones are out of balance" that's why you are crying all the time and why you feel like "killing everybody" who looks at you the wrong way. Now, the anti-depressants did the trick .....was on them for 4 years..I hope I don't need them again.
You might want to discuss this with your doc.0 -
Thanks to Cindy (see above), I've been tracking my food intake for the last few days, and it reminded me of something. When healing from something like radiation, you're supposed to take in extra protein as the cells are essentially re-growing. I bought some protein shake powder and drank a glass every day right after treatment, but when it ran out I didn't replace it. Now I can see that my protein intake is really low--maybe that's part of the reason we get cranky and tired?
Exercise.about.com says:
How to Calculate Your Protein Needs:
1. Weight in pounds divided by 2.2 = weight in kg
2. Weight in kg x 0.8-1.8 gm/kg = protein gm.Use a lower number if you are in good health and are sedentary (i.e., 0.8). Use a higher number (between 1 and 1.8) if you are under stress, are pregnant, are recovering from an illness, or if you are involved in consistent and intense weight or endurance training.
I feel like I eat pretty well, but I'm still way low on protein by that measure (even using 1.3 as the multiplier in step 2). Back to the daily protein shakes for me!
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P.S. Like Cindy, I'm tracking food with my little FitBit pedometer's web site, but a friend of mine has been using the free SuperTracker and likes it: https://www.choosemyplate.gov/SuperTracker/default.aspx0
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Hmmm my protein has been at about 1/2 of the low end of the scale. I may need to look into protein shakes also. Thanks Chicago!
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I guess I'm not getting a lot of protein. I put a scoop of whey protein in my smoothie each morning. Then I might have a slice of toast (made from sprouted seeds) with some sunflower seed spread or almond butter. I'll have to see what that adds up to. I'm very depressed today. I took off work. I have such a sick feeling in my gut. Oh, just tell me to shut up. I am so tired of my own whining. Ugh!
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Hi Dunesleeper: Please see your doctor, you are making me very sad.
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Don't worry about complaining here, Duneslayer -- that's what it's for. Hope you sleep well and have a better day tomorrow.
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Sorry Scottiee. I will see doc on Monday. I got my grass cut today, all but the hill. My neighbor will probably do that for me. I cut his lawn except for the hill in exchange. It feels good to see something get accomplished.
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Please don't be sorry.....bitch away...as I said before, the "first time" I went through menopause, I was put on an anti-depressant and what a difference, it changed my life.
Maybe bring this up with your doc. Good luck on Monday. Make sure your doc REALLY LISTENS.0 -
Cindyl -
No! Not 'slip on' a banana! That woudn't be a happy ending to your future weight-loss success story. I was thinking of something a little more sultry....how's it going, by the way?
Dunesleeper - I'm seeing a shrink next week too - and the topic of discussion will probably be my 'new life'. I haven't had an explosions lately, but I have a pretty short fuse. Also trying to process all that has happened in the last year, trying to get the me new me into my old life, and not fixate on the DIEP surgery that I'll have at the beginning of next year. I'm looking forward to the appointment- and having someone who will really listen.
This will be my second stab at a pyschiatrist, by the way. I saw someone last fall but we weren't a good fit, so I fired her. I wish I could say that I stormed out of the office screaming 'You are FIRED', but in actuality I waited till I got home and then called her secretary. This time should be better.
I hope your session is productive too, and that it gives you some relief.
Scottie 1 - If you scream at your foreign launguage students, do they repeat what you say?
Janet
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Janet, OK. Just checking. So far, so good. Lost 5 lbs in this first week. But the first 5 lbs are always the easiest. I've been trying to walk a little more each day and am up to 5000 steps. Still a long way from the 10000 I was at before dx but one step at a time, eh?
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Hi Cindy: I am a former registered dietitian. Here's my trick.....fill 3/4 of your plate with veggies, especially cruciferous veggies, which are so good for us BC people or drink a green smoothie before each meal. Trust me, you will not want to eat so much.
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Yesterday I went to lunch with an old friend and we talked and talked and laughed and it was so good. We didn't discuss cancer or trouble of any sort. I'm still in a good mood today. So I wanted to pass that along as a good antidote for our troubles.
I am also trying to lose a little weight but its a struggle. I'm not terribly overweight but at the top of my BMI. I lost about 4 or 5 lbs last summer and then gained it back this winter during our stressful, busy season, and really because I was unhappy and didn't care. Now I'm trying again - sigh. It seems every time I lose three pounds, I gain them back. I have been very successful at eliminating sweets, so I hope that will pay off at some point.
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"Scottie 1 - If you scream at your foreign launguage students, do they repeat what you say?" -- Good one Janet! That made me laugh, and I hope it made Scottiee laugh. A much better way to greet her to this discussion than my Eeyore attitude. I was glad to see it!
I was naughty today and ate a meal without veggies. I did have my smoothie for breakfast, though, and I will have a salad later tonight if I am hungry. I'm stuffed right now.
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Hi Dunesleeper: So happy you got a laugh here.....me, not so much...I think my sense of humor left me the day I got my diagnosis....I do so hope it will return, I miss it. I used to be able to have good belly laughs with my friends....I long for those days to come back.
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I look forward to seeing your sense of humor reassert itself Scottiee.
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How did it go at the doc's? I hope you got some help?????
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I saw the MH doc today. He said there is no question about my being eligible for disability. I don't think I have ever been so happy to have been called crazy! So I know he will help me get disability benefits. That helps my anxiety level a bit.
I wrote a letter to the medical board asking them to hold off on their decision until they get mental health physician reports. Otherwise I'm bound to be denied and then have to start the process all over again. I'll get that mailed out tonight.
I feel a bit less anxious. I cried only briefly at the doc's and so far no other tears. That's good. I do get amazed that people can tell me it will be OK. The next time someone says that I'm giong to ask them HOW is it going to be OK. You can't have less money coming in then you have going out -- unless you happen to be the American government. I don't have savings because I never expected to live long enough to retire. It's my own fault, but it is what it is. Then a friend told me today that an additional $27 a month for something wouldn't make or break me. Well, yeah, actually, an additional $27 added to an existing shortfall of nearly $100 does make a significant difference in the length of time I can hold out for benefits. And that additional $27 a month would be for medical health benefits if I should wait until after July 1 to retire. If I don't pay that I'm screwed. However, I must admit that I never had such a deep understanding of poverty before now. Instead of passing by the beggars on the street today I stopped and talked to them. I could totally relate to being out there holding that sign.
On the other hand, I did turn my AC down so that I could be comfortable last night. For now, I can do that. Being excessively hot could cause lymphedema, and that would be another problem.
Oh boy am I getting an education!
So, I have only 2 more weeks; and I will be taking off this Thursday. I have PT and my 3 month follow up with the oncology surgeon that day. Other than that, though, I am going to do my best to be in here every day. I'm going out tough! I know I have it in me, and so many people are praying for me. I will do this.
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Yes Dunesleeper you will because we are stronger people now...yes believe it or not, we are. I'm so glad to here your news about the disability thing. You know, I have to tell all of you Americans that I have cried reading some of your comments. Here in Canada we are so lucky because everything is covered. It should be against the law to have to worry about C and finances at the same time. There is something just NOT RIGHT about that.
I wish you all the best and will be thinking about you.0 -
Hi Ladies, I put the below post out in the "Emotional Issues" section, but I think I'd like to post it here too. I've been following this thread since it began and just haven't been able to express myself until today. For the record... I was superwoman during the entire crisis, but once I had to get back to living my life things got very difficult. Anyway...
Is there anyone out there whose brain just keeps playing tricks on them? I just don't get it. This week will be 1 year since my dx and currently all my treatments are done. I couldn't take Tamoxifen as it was making me nuts (but that is a whole different topic). I had my surgery, chemo and rads, but now I keep trying to look back and make some order to all this. For a while I was thinking that it was my Breast Surgeon's fault that I ended up with chemo. Then my mind came up with some other situation where perhaps it was my fault I had to have chemo. I have never denied I had cancer and I was never scared about it. I handled it very well and then started to crash. Somehow my head goes back to thinking I was overtreated.
I am a very analytical thinker and unfortunately, my mind will go back and say (no real voices :-)) if you didn't ask for this type of treatment, such and such wouln't have occurred and life would be different. Then I even felt like my BS wasn't straight with me and choices were made that has left me questioning EVERYTHING. My BS is truly a good person and I know this, but there is some weird stuff happening in my head.
Just when I thought I had a handle on things and talked with my counselor, friends, mom, etc., a new scenario popped up in my head. I keep thinking that things my BS did or I did created my pathology report to be what it was instead of just accepting that it was a cancer with positive nodes and I made the treatment choices I made. It's hard to explain and it's a bit obsessive, but it's there. One day I'm feeling great and the next I'm a mess. There is so much guilt on my part as to the effects my cancer dx and treatment has had on my kids (now almost 10 and 14) and my husband.
I did try antidepressants for a bit, but I was also on Ativan at the time and was having side effects from the antidepressants and had to go off. I am now on very small amounts of Ativan and Valium to deal with my broken sleep, chemically induced menopause and anxiety, but THIS SUCKS! I see a therapist, I have a good handful of people to talk to, I started to go back to the gym, but I am at a loss.
HOW MESSED UP AM I????? How normal is it to want to blame someone or yourself? I've asked a few BC survivors when do things get back to normal and they both said NEVER. I don't believe that. Life has to settle down again. Anyway, please post and tell me if you have been in this boat. One psychiatrist wanted to give me some very heavy meds recently and personally, I think she was the crazy one :-). I am not psychotic, I'm frustrated, sad and confused.
Thanks for listening.
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