Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Hi FLIslander: I think you and I are exactly in the same place right now. I had my last rad a couple of weeks ago and I though I would be hopping and skipping out of the hospital, not so much, I actually cried my way out of the place, what's with that????
so I read a lot of books and came here to read experiences, and my conclusion is that
What we are experiencing is quite NORMAL, well normal for us. My first reaction was, "who is going to take care of me now" ...oh me, I guess. It was easy(so to speak) to just show up and let everyone take care of you and do their job, now it's our turn to do this ,
Be it through family support, BC.Org, friends, therapists, exercise, food and nutrition, a plethora of ways, we have to find one or some that will help continue the good work that was done for us. I myself have tried many things, some are working, some not and to that end I will be seeing a therapist next week and I'll go from there. Here, there are
So many wonderful, brave and intelligent women who can help and guide you. You might even connect with one privately, which is what happened to me. She inspires me daily
As she has been through so much more than me and fights hard to be positive about it all. You and I will get there at some point, it will just take time. Everybody will tell you to be good to yourself, take this advice because when I do, and I know it's hard for me
Sometimes to do this, but I sure do feel better afterwards. Take care and everybody else
Who reads this.0 -
I'm lying in bed trying to make myself get up and get moving. I used to work until 1 am and not get to sleep until the sun came up, so this is feeling very early for me. Oh well. I can at least get up and have a cup of coffee and my morning smoothie, affectionately termed "ick." I need to get right with a whole different schedule, but I know I actually liked this schedule when I was staying at mom's house after my surgery. Still . . . it is so early. Oh wait. it just turned 9 am. Now that feels less early than 8:59. LOL
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Dunesleeper,
Clearly you've still got your sense of humour! That's a great sign.
Janet0 -
Hi Dunesleeper: oh wouldn't it be wonderful if we all lived near one another. We could kick each other's butts and all go for wonderful walks together, bitching,laughing, crying
BUT getting that exercise we are told we need.....LOL0 -
F2F would be nice, really nice, Scottie. However, we are blessed with the ability to make these amazing online friendships with people from across the globe. That is pretty cool.
OK. So I got up. I drank my ick. I tried to drink it outside but it is already too hot. Now this is counterintuitive I know, but I'm having my cappuccino (made with almond milk -- I hope one day I like it as much as cow's milk). I may put in a call to the breast cancer surgeon to let them know I want to pick up my medical records. I already talked to the MO's office and they will have them ready for me to pick up Thursday -- when I go over near there for my last TE fill. I need all these medical records for this disability retirement application. So, after calling the surgeon I will go around the side of the house and take apart a piece of exercise equipment so I can take the metal to be scrapped. I'll take metal to be scrapped, then do a few errands, hopefully including the gym.
Catch you later. Have a great day.
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Way to go girl...I knew you could. I'm still working on getting out of bed, but I'm happy you have and hopefully I will too. Yeah, we are blessed, even though it's not F2F.
I was on a thread before saying crazy things like perhaps we should not be doing this so much, perhaps it is not good because we are all a constant reminder to each other ....what was I thinking....I think a stray beam (rad beam) went to my brain ....I'm so happy we have this support, though not F2F because right now I have hit rock bottom and you are the only people who get that one. Thank you Dunesleeper and everyone else.0 -
Thanks everyone
At times it is overwhelming and it is great to know I'm not alone. Well today is a new day and I'm taking kids to see movie Brave and hoping some bravery rubs off on me!0 -
Enjoy the movie and keep posting here because the beautiful ladies here will help you to be brave, which you are now anyway, you just don't know it.
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Just hoping you are feeling better ((( Scottie ))). Can't type too much because I had a LOT to drink today. I did manage to clean out my car, but I swilled a bit of Guinness. This is not something I do (any more, lol) so I refuse to feel guilty. It was officially my first day of retirement and I celebrated it my way. It's back to green tea tomorrow.
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I have been having a total meltdown for the last few days. I had my exchange and lift/reduction 2 weeks ago and maybe this is part of the problem. My husband won't take anymore time of work for a vacation and I am just devatasted. My family has been promising me a vacation since I started treatment 1 1/2 years ago and now nobody can go with me. I'm a teacher and I have 6 more weeks off and then it is back for another school year. I think my issue is that I feel like I need to get out and live my live more, but I'm stuck in this small town with nothing to do and now my summer is ticking away. I feel so alone in this battle sometimes. I know that people care, but they just don't get it. Boy, am I feeling sorry for myself lately.
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Mammalou that really sucks! It is tough when you have had a goal/reward helping you to get through a nightmare time, only to have the rug pulled out from under you. I don't think people understand just how much willpower it takes to keep on keeping on each and every day.
I feel like I need to make the most of my life and not put things off, cancer will do that to you. But of course there are considerations that the 'other half' believe to be just as important, like earning money and work commitments and to be honest it is not what I want to hear at the moment!
Is there a travel club or more distant friend/ family member you could go with? Maybe visit someone you know who lives somewhere nice? I believe there are trips organized for people on their own (even if you have someone at home). It would be a crying shame if you didnt get some fun and enjoyment out of your summer break, you more than deserve it.
You need never feel alone, we are all here.0 -
Mamalou -
Oh boy- a girl needs a reward after all you've been through. It's mandatory! SuzyBLue has a good point, If you're family isn't available for travel there are organizations that offer trips/tours for small groups that make it comfortable for people on their own. Just google 'adventure tours' (they're not all adventurous) or call a travel agent. My shy friend just came back from Peru where she travelled on her own, with a group of eight, and had a brilliant time.
A couple of years ago I wanted to go away and couldn't find a playmate. My partner wasn't interested in traveling, so I booked a bike tour for solo travelers through Cuba. However, at the last minutes, when boyfriend saw how excited I was getting, he decided he'd like to come away too. So - I never ended up having a solo trip and I kind of regret it. It's something I'd really like to do, and there were so many great options available.
I completely understand feeling sorry for yourself. I've been there (still am there sometimes). But you've got six weeks to experience something fun - and you sure deserve it.
Janet
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Thanks for he ideas about the trips. I will goggle that today. I did send out an I'm desperate email to a group of my high school girlfriends. I decided to be honest for once and admit that I needed this. Several jumped in and we are working in a trip to NYC. Just knowing that helps.
I am going to try and gt it together today and talk to my husband. I'm just so mad at him even though I know it is money he is worried about. I think I'm madder because not only did he promise me thru chemo, mx, and rads, but I also spent last summer driving 2 hours each way to rads everyday by myself. Then he had a crisis in his office, so I came home and stepped in to help there. Too much! Then back to my work 3 days after rads.
Anyway, as you all know, BC just plays with the emotions. I do love your saying, " just because I'm having a meltdown, doesn't mean I'm not coping.". I tend to think that I have to appear strong all the time and this isn't such a good thing.0 -
mammalou- I hope NYC works out. I think a trip with old girlfriends might be just the medicine you need!
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Hi Dunesleeper and everybody: Well, I have two appointments at the hospital tomorrow,which will get my butt out of bed where it has been since Sunday due to a bit of a meltdown....it was coming, I knew that. The Following week I have an appointment for a bone scan and an ultrasound. My BS found something next to my TUMOUR which she insists is nothing but must do her job and insist I have it, she says. The week after I
finally have my first appointment with a therapist. I had plans to go to Scotland in July
because I am homesick....haven't been home since my mother passed a few years ago.
Then Inwas off to London to stay with my niece and we were going to some Olympic
events. I think if I have the energy to get through all these appointments, that will be an Olympic feat right there for which I should get the Gold....what say you beautiful Olympians????. Maybe for the next Olympics....by the way does anyone no where that will be????? Hope everyone is well and enjoy your fourth of July....being Canadian, ours was on July 1st.
Ic0 -
2016 Olympics will be in Rio.
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Rabbit43---what you're going through is sooo normal, even though it feels crazy at times! You were strong and busy surviving & taking care of everything for so long, that the emotions didn't get dealt with. Let yourself feel whatever it is you need to, write about it, talk to anyone & everyone that will listen (talking defuses the emotion), take time for yourself regularly--walking, yoga, etc., find a cancer support group or at least one other cancer survivor that "gets it" (people that haven't had cancer don't get it at all) for support, be gentle with yourself as your riding the rollercoaster of emotions. This will get better! I was in shock for the first 3 months after my diagnosis. Too numb to feel. Then the feelings rose to the surface after radiation was over! I joined an amazing support group that forcused on reoccurence fear! Very helpful!
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I hate feeling out of control of my life. I look at my once beautiful hair and now all I see is this short choppy style that will take years to grow out. I've been dealing with my breast swelling for a month and it seems that all the massage and sports bras make no difference. I even bought this special pad that is suppose to help move the fluid. Well it does while you wear it, but the moment I put real clothes on again the breast goes back. I used to be a confident women with my looks and my personality. Now I've lost that. When does that crap end?
Today was a crappy day... woke up that way and it has stayed with me :-(. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of having uneven boobs.
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Here's to a better tomorrow!!
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Catching up with all the postings. Seriously, there are women who log on to post that other women shouldn't be logging on to post? Hmm. I did not know that. We can each move on when we're ready to, that's my opinion.
Sending good wishes to all. Scottie, we are both back on the medical train. I hope your appointment goes well today; I have a biopsy scheduled for July 9th when the breast surgeon gets back from vacation. At least I like and trust him. (Not fond of the MO or his group but have to hang tight until it's open enrollment for a new health care plan at the end of the year.)
Duneslayer, I think your A+ certification plans are great. Maybe you can get a job as a school district lab assistant or something like that. Challenging, but nothing like the corporate world. Good luck!
Mammalou, reaching out to your high school friends was inspired. I do believe that there are always people out there who want to help, just not easy to find them sometimes.
It sounds like Janet is doing okay, hurray! and Rocky, I second Ginger. Hope you slept well and find new energy.
(Btw, does anyone remember a woman who offered a free copy of her Yoga for Breast Cancer CD to anyone who requested it? Might have been in the radiation thread I followed. Anyway, my copy arrived yesterday. I'll try it and report back...)
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Scottiee
Sorry you have been down this week, just think of that bed time as recharging your batteries! Let us know how your appointments go. If I didn't have 2kids at my heels all day I would not be moving around much either! I started effexor and tamox this week so we will see how that goes
Cindy0 -
Hi ladies....sorry for wallowing, my meltdown was inevitable.....thank you all for your support. Had my first check-up with the radiologist today...he was not there and a female radiologist saw me instead...bummer...my radiologist is such a sweet man who REALLY listens..so this female did a number on my boobs, back, neck, I guess anywhere she thought cancer might be LURKING ....I was not expecting such a work over and my stomach was in the biggest Knot it's ever been in. Everything clear ladies. Then I went next door to physio for some help regarding exercising with weights...she has me starting with SOUP CANS...what a come down...but I guess we all have to start somewhere.
Happy fourth of July to all my new Yankee friends. Oh PS they are all very concerned
about my meltdown...there now considering psychiatrist over a therapist, what ever the difference is, I'm sure I don't know. I told them I more or less know what my meltdown
Is all about and I'll stick with a therapist. They Sid my insight is very HEALTHY....I haven't used that word in 6 months.0 -
Good move Scottie. Psychiatrists prescribe medications. Trust me. Not good. Therapists talk things out and help us put things in persepective.
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I'm with Dunes......oh those meds are brutal! Do lots of research if you do that path!
Hey There Dunes...I need this thread. Going to be lurking for a while: )0 -
I was on anti-depressants the FIRST time I went through menopause and although they
Changed my life , bit scared now with the Letrozole in the mix. My mother tried to commit
Suicide twice in her life because of depression. I am not nor ever will be, suicidal. Was just wondering if depression is hereditary, and that I might have no choice in the end but
to take them. Oh, one day at a time.0 -
There are supporters both ways but I'm on the side that it could be....just the environment alone would establish depressive tendancies. Only my thoughts of course....
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If I had it to do over again I would use exercise, nutrition, meditation and prayer, and friends instead of drugs. These SSRI's are hell for a lot of people to get off of. In response to the seratonin staying in the synapses longer, my body has responded by producing less of it. This means my brain does not function properly when I try to get off the stuff, even if I taper slowly. This means about 6 months of SSRI Withdraw Syndrome. You can google that if you are interested. It truly is a bad time, and you know, lots of things can go wrong in life during that period of time. I am looking at going through that all over again, but I'll wait a bit longer on that. I have stuff I need to do first.
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Hindsight for me....I would have never got on those suckers!! I hear ya on the withdrawals. Good idea to wait for a "clearing". I will be here for ya!
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Why, oh why, must I get hungry just as I get sleepy. If I try to sleep, the kitchen will call to me. If I go to the kitchen, I may wake up. May this be the worst problem any of us get hit with.
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Hi there,
It's kind of quiet on this forum, so I'm taking it as a good sign that everyone is between meltdowns - and hopefully enjoying the summer.
Chicago 1958 - I know you had an appt yesterday, and I'm thinking about you, and hoping for good news.
Mammalou - Have you booked a trip? (please say yes)
And Scottie, I just wanted to weigh in on psychiatry vs therapy, and add another vote to therapy. I was assigned a psychiatrist, and quite her after a few sessions and requested someone else. The new doctor is exaclty the same, so I guess their demeanor is something they learn in shrink school. I did see a therapist once however, and she was amazing. So I'm gald you stayed where you are.
I'm finding that now that I'm two months out of rads, I'm just starting to get back on my feet. Mentally & phsyically. I guess I didn't realize how much this treamtent kicked the sh*t out of me.
So for now, and apart from the torrential sweating (thanks, tamoxafen), I'm pretty stable.
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