Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
Anyone checking this forum? Cause I had my 3-month post-treatment follow-up yesterday, and the NP thinks I should see my breast surgeon for a biopsy for possible Paget's. She said it's very rare, so I dismissed it, then came home and read up on it and... crap, it sounds just like the nipple issues I've had. Some of the photos look similar too (the ones where it isn't very advanced). I've always been reluctant to have any biopsies, assuming I was fine, but this time I can't have it fast enough.
Right back in warrior mode!
0 -
Chicago1958...I am checking this forum and have it on my list of favorites, so I see whenever anyone posts. So sorry to hear you need to get in for a biopsy. I don't know much about Paget's. If that is what's going on, I hope it's early. As I read back on your posts on this board, they have been very helpful to me and others too, I am sure. I can tell that you have a wonderful sense of humor and a great attitude. I am so happy to hear that you are back in warrior mode...it's almost like a light switch we turn on when we need it. Know that we are with you all the way. I will pray for good results from your biopsy. Please, please, please keep us posted. We are all in this together.
0 -
Oh, thank you, Rabbit. You made me a little weepy! but in a good way.
I'm in that place where you want to mention it, but don't want to scare your family and friends, so it's good to be able to post it. I found another thread specifically about Paget's, so maybe someone will share info there.
I know that Paget's is very rare, but it doesn't seem unlikely. I've had some of the symptoms for years, and just thought it was normal. Not something you generally bring up in conversation...
Thanks again for your supportive words -- very, very much appreciated.
0 -
I get what you mean with the not wanting to scare your family and friends. I waited until I had the whole scoop before I told anyone other than my husband about my BC. Just share your concerns with your cyber friends/sisters on this website! But be sure you have the support you need to help you get through this. Chin up! Let us know how you are doing. Prayers for you.
0 -
Hi Chicago. I have this thread on my favorites, too, so I am notified when there is activity. I'm sorry to learn of your new threat, and I will send prayers and positive vibes out to you. I pray for peace for all of us struggling with illness and fear.
0 -
Dunesleeper...is it 5 more work days for you? How are you feeling about things? Hope you are well!
0 -
Hi Rabbit. The countdown is . . . tonight (Wednesday) . . . Thursday . . . Friday . . . and Saturday 1pm to 9 pm. Then I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Poor, but freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
0 -
WOO HOO, Dunesleeper! I will raise a glass to you on Saturday at 9 p.m. Baltimore time. So happy for you! You will surely be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! LOL!
0 -
Thanks Rabbit. It's been a long time coming, but it took cancer to make me let go. I have been miserable in this job for a really long time. They kept promising it would get better, but when I fell apart after the main part of the cancer treatment, I knew I had to get out ASAP. I am attempting to get disability retirement, which would give me enough to live on, just barely. Until they make that determination I will be getting early retirement, which is $827 a month, nearly $100 a month too little. I'm going to take the A+ certification class which goes from August to December. Then, whenever it is available, I will take the certification exam. That will give me a document that might help me get another job, part time, whether or not I get the disability retirement. If they turn me down the first time I will see if I can get a lawyer to appeal. I have stayed here through all the misery, taking vacation days to just help me get through, for 25 years. I have been depressed all that time and suicidal some of it. The cancer put me over the edge where I couldn't find a way to make it work anymore. I was always afraid I would work here until I died. Now, hopefully, THAT won't happen. I'm hoping God opens a lot of windows.
0 -
I am also watching this thread. Good luck Chicago and dunesleeper!
0 -
Dunesleeper...I think you are doing a very brave thing. If you are getting out of a job in which you were depressed and/or suicidal, then you are doing what is best for your health (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual). In some ways, I suppose it would be easier to just stay in a miserable work situation because it is a paycheck. I know this decision comes with a financial downside, but maybe the window God opens will bring you the joy you deserve after having gone through all of this. Maybe that is the silver lining? I know I have been trying to find my silver lining and have yet to identify it. I will continue to pray that all works out in your favor with the disability retirement. BTW, I think it would be fair to start counting down by hours at this point...if they are 8 hour shifts, aren't we down to about 24 hours in total?! LOL.
Ginger...welcome. We are glad you are here.
Chicago1958...hope you are holding up o.k. I thought about you a lot today. Hope your flaming sword is fired up and ready for action!
Janet...are you out there? We need your wit. BTW...loved the Brady Bunch flashback in one of your blog posts. It brought back some very good memories. Hands down, my favorite tv show back then.
Going to try and get back to sleep now...my mind is racing!
0 -
Thank you Rabbit. It really could be my silver lining. It is a real stretch to find a silver lining in the big C, but I hope you can. It seems to give it some . . . purpose.
If I had let go of this job in the mid 80's I would probably be practicing acupuncture. I couldn't let go of the paycheck though. It is very freeing to finally do so. I'll let you know how my journey goes.
0 -
It is an odd situation that so many life changing decisions - navigating the treatment highway, starting or ending working careers - coincides with being in the worst mental state possible to tackle it all.
I appreciate the idea of making a recovery plan and drawing a line in the sand between beIng a patient and being a survivor. Secretly I had in my mind that getting married next week would be that turning point for me.
I have not been coming long to this forum but immediately felt kindred spirits here that met my need for understanding and for the first time I have felt able to express myself with honesty, knowing it would be received without judgement. Then I started reading in some threads that we should not be so reliant on being in here, should wean ourselves off and back away. That fed into my guilt and it started to become a bit of a guilty secret everytime I logged in. But why do I need to give up something that helps to fill in the hole that BC has left me? Why can't I wallow for a while and hold the hands of others who really know the destructive forces we are having to deal with. So I have decided that part of my recovery plan is to give up the guilt and just let things evolve, I'm hoping I will know when that line is close enough to cross over.0 -
Suzyblue- I am with you on this one. No guilt just doing whatever I need to feel better!
0 -
HI there,
I was just catching up - skimming through everything too quickly, and then I read DuneSleepers tagline that said 'opted out of poison'. I thought it said 'opted out of prison' which is perfect, considering that it's the two day countdown. What a wonderfully brave and freeing thing you are doing. Congratulations!
I think about quitting my job a lot, but I'm a freelancer in a short term contract, so I'll try to stick with it so I can pay some bills. However, in the spirit of taking care of myself, I decided to take the day off tomorrow so I can hang out with my dog.
Chicago - Please know that I'm thinking about you. Wishing and hoping that you'll have no need for your sword, except to slice the cork off a bottle of champagne. Like Rabbit said, we're with you all the way. Please let us know what's going on
SuzyBlue - Thankfully, I've missed those threads that say we should not be reliant on these boards. Frankly, I like meeting smart, funny, strong, ladies who are in the same rocky boat as me. It makes me feel better - and more capable of navigating the waters. So wallow away SuzyBlue! 'Backing away' will happen organically, I think, when you are ready.
Rabbit - I believe we'll all find out silver lining too. But you're only a year from your diagnosis aren't you? Maybe it's too early for your silver linings? I'm almost exactly a year from the day I found my lump. This time last year I was in a tiny church in Cape Breton (where my grandfather used to be a minister) and the new minister (an awesome woman who only became a minister at 50 after she left her family) said she wished peace for anybody who was sad, ill, or waiting for test results. I swear she looked right at me - and I've been thinking about that moment a lot. Or maybe she was looking at me because I only go to church every 20 years. But it's my one year anniversary and my mind is reeling with little moments from last summer.
And Dunesleeper - and for everyone who is trying to make their way - I have a poem you might like. I wouldn't normally post a poem here, but it's short, and lovely. Here it is:
You realize of course that life has its own plans.
It's fine to go forward, draw up complex schemes,
and watch you dreams play out as if each scene is real.
Just be willing to drop it all when the truth comes calling.
Let every grain of sand fall from your cupped hands
and see the unkempt pile on the ground equally
as valuable as that castle you are building.
Allow the tide to scour it all away, every trace,
and replace it with the seas' own beauty.
0 -
I feel like I was just getting out of my lows as I had a full week where life was going well. Unfortunately, every time either of my kids has a problem or my husband isn't being supportive or I don't sleep well... BAM I'm moody and grouchy again. It doesn't take much to throw me out of balance :-(. I WANT my silver lining! I just can't see through all these difficulties.
I was just starting to feel better about a month ago and then my breast swelled. I saw my BS and RO, but ended up at a PT. She was great for the consult, but cancelled out first session yesterday. I was way bummed. I was expecting miracles for some reason. I have another appointment tomorrow and I hope something good comes out of it. I'm really scared. I keep waking up hoping my breast will look normal again and it hasn't. This has hurt my soul a lot.
0 -
Janet, that is a beautiful poem. Really. Thanks for sharing it. It really describes the essence of what I am doing. I was going to write "trying to do" but then that would not really be letting go of all the sand. Also, I like your replacing "prison" for "poison." LOL. This place really has been a prison for me. I can't wait to get outta here!!!
((( Rocky ))) I do understand wanting a miracle, a magic pill, a definitive moment of healing. I think I may finally be learning patience through this. I'm not sure. We'll see. I got it mentally but I will have to see how it plays out in reality. LOL I hope you feel better soon.
0 -
I am one year out from bilateral mastectomy and saw my oncologist for a recheck today. While at the hospital gift shop I purchased a book called "living well beyond breast cancer...a survivor's guide for when treatment ends and the rest of your life begins" As I started reading it I discovered that the author is the founder of breast cancer.org. So far I feel like this book is speaking right to me and my needs and will be very helpful as I move beyond this diagnosis.
0 -
Hi everyone:
I have not been here for awhile but I find myself today needing to be nowhere else. Being here where Indon't have to explain everything. This week has been so hard on me I finally broke down this morning so 10 hours later my tears have subsided somewhat.
This week I turned 65, walked out of a school where I had been for 14 years with colleagues who went through this with me, a son having an operation.....by the way, this was all on the same day. Yesterday my girlfriends had a small party for me...so sweet...they cooked everything organic and vegetarian including buying a dairy free, gluten free, sugar free birthday cake for their new found anal friend. Bought me books to make me laugh, organic soap to make me smell nice, CD's of my favorite singer, gift cards for my favorite tea shop where I can buy my green macha Japanese tea blah blah blah....I am blessed, yes....today has been the worst day of my life because I am mourning the old me who would have kicked back and had a few glasses, a few puffs (quit now of course) a lot of belly laughs bitching about family and life in general.
There were no belly laughs for me ....I sat there numb wondering what I was doing with
"these people....sweet people who love me) they felt like strangers in a way....I felt like a stranger....wow....I wanted a moment in time as Whitney sang to control my destiny....
Just a moment in time....thank you for "listening" and of course, I know, understanding...
I will see a therapist in a couple of weeks....I think she is going to earn her paycheck with me. So great to have this place where we know about good days and bad...I think today I
hit rock bottom so I feel better already knowing I can only go up from here. Take care
Everybody.0 -
Scottie1- we all have days like that. I find that when I am emotional (good or bad) it seems to set me off down the road of "what the heck just happened to my life?" sending hugs your way.
0 -
Thank you Ginger48......I guess that's a good way of putting it, yeah...what the heck just happened to my life??????
0 -
Scottie1, isn't it the pits when you know something good is happening around you and yet you feel apart and detached from it. I have struggled with it too and am frustrated by my inability to plug in sometimes. I think for me I have decided to fake it til I make it, enjoy things the best I can and not beat myself up for the internal dialogue that wants to constantly remind me that my life has changed forever.
Last Saturday I had a big night out with a load of girlfriends for my 'hens' party and to be honest I was not looking forward to it like I should have been. My eldest daughter put in a lot of effort to make it a fun night and it was the first time in six months that I didn't feel like the friend with cancer and was able to relax and actually feel a part of things.
I don't know how long these feelings are going to last. I believe the notion that some women put forward here that we are suffering a form of post traumatic stress, and it's going to take time, talking, love and understanding to get through it, over it or around it to the next phase in our lives.
You are not alone.0 -
Thank you SuzyBlue for your comments....yeah, it's the pits, but I'm so happy you had a great time and it gives me hope that somewhere down the line I will be able to have fun again with these sweet people.
0 -
This really stinks, my friends a have taken me out or had gatherings all weekend as I finished radiation Thursday. I know I should be happy to be through the rough part of treatment, but I just can't get in a good mood, I can fake it a bit but I feel so different and they are trying so hard. Looks like I'm heading to therapy also. I ordered that book recommended for life after cancer, hoping that helps too. I feel a flood of tears built up, maybe the dam is about to break. Just thank you for this board to let me know I'm not alone, this part may be harder than the treatment
0 -
Scottie and islander. I do wish I could give you a real hug. I was stuck in that place for about a month, maybe 2. It felt like forever. This discussion board helped me realize I was not the only one having these feelings at this point in my healing. It also really helped me to talk to the therapist. He's not really all that great a therapist, lol, but that doesn't seem to matter. He is understanding in a way my mom and friends could not be. They thought it was all over, but it's not. We are sort of beginning a new life or a life with different priorities and challenges. I love you gals.
0 -
Scottie, did you retire? Saturday was my last day. It felt so strange logging off the computers at work for the last time and clearing out my drawer in the file cabinet. Mostly it was the logging off the computers that was whack. 25 years I have worked at those computers. Well, they changed a bit, a lot throughout the years. It used to be a mainframe system. So, now I need to make myself get up tomorrow and get to the gym and do some work around the house and call the door man about the doors and go to my PCP's office to get some medical records and disassemble some items so I can take the metal to be scrapped. I'm going to be very poor for the next six months, at least. One of the things about my job was that I worked alone. Not good. However, I wasn't really walking away from anyone there. I see it as walking away from an unhealthy situation and into a time of pulling myself and my house together and looking for better opportunities. I will also take a class that may help me get another job in about 6 months time. I guess I am pretty excited actually.
0 -
Yay, dunesleeper, here's to moving forward and fresh starts! I am off work for the summer and my plan also is to pull myself and this house together.
0 -
Hi Dunesleeper and everybody else: no, I didn't retire although I want to but I'm afraid to
be alone all day with my thoughts so I will continue for one or two more years at the new school.....maybe a new environment, new colleagues and new challenges will be just what I need. It seems I have the same plan this summer as some of you have. Pull myself together and put my home in order again. It needs a lot of tender care as it has been neglected badly for the past six months. When I see SIX MONTHS in writing, I think wow, where did it go, so this will inspire me to stop wasting time and get off my butt
and do something constructive rather than wallowing in self-pity, although I want to blame Letrozole, just a little for this.....menopause...round 2....didn't fair well with round 1
I had to go on anti-depressants for a few years but fought hard to get off them and I'm
certainly going to fight hard not to get back on them again. Although they made such a difference, they left me lacking in energy and now, between the radiation aftermath and
The Letrozole, I don't seem to have much energy again so I really DON'T want to add another energy ZAPPER to my regime, but one day at a time. Take care everybody, I am having a conversation with my beloved treadmill. Yesterday I won...today I hope it will win because I know exercise REALLY does help...I just need the "get up and go" feeling
To kick in...working on it and I can feel all of you cheering me on💪0 -
Scottiee1-I know how hard it is to rescue this body from the effects of letrozole. I have found that walking(although very hard to get started) has gone a long way towards reducing my joint pain and helping me feel like I am regaining strength and control over my body. I am trying to walk most days this summer while school is out. I am cheering you on from CT. Can you hear me?
0 -
Hi Ginger48: I can hear you in between arguing with this treadmill. I think I also need to find my "emotional energy" which, I hope, the therapist will help me with. I will be seeing her next week. I think she has her work cut out for herself.thank you for cheering me on.
0
