I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Melly, Liberty fabrics are beautiful! I have a couple of shirts and an old skirt that I love.
Momine, that is a lovely photo. I enjoy wearing color, too. I think it's fun to find different and interesting combinations of colors, i.e. top and sweater or sweater and slacks within my existing wardrobe.
Barbara, that's a terrific suit. Doesn't it feel much better with that inner construction gone?!
I want to photograph some outfits to share, but for now here's a pic taken of me on recent walk. My hair is longer than it has been in ages. I didn't have chemo and have to deal with hair loss. However, after my deconstruction, I started thinking about letting it grow. It has helped me cope by making me feel more feminine. Odd thing is with my implants out and hair longer, I think I look younger than I have in a while. I don't usually post pics of myself, so not sure how long I will keep this up. Hello, there!
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Tina, you look great. I'm going to have to check into these Liberty fabrics.
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The sunset on your hair! Your smile!
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I looked up Liberty fabrics, and those Liberty prints make me think I'm actually going to do it and learn to sew. I've been thinking about that this week, as my partner and I made our kids' costumes. I made our daughter's costume: she is a black and white springer spaniel with an uncropped tail. My partner made my son's: he's a dead fish. They are really sheltered from mass medial, so they don't know to ask to be Dora or Batman. The dog costume is modelled after a real dog who died in the early 1980's but lives on in family stories, and the fish is an idea spawned by something in a children's book series, "Horrible Harry." They came out well. The kids just left to go to a party/fundraiser at my daughter's school, but I had to stay home because I look like, as my partner says, "something from Starwars." My upper lip and cheeks are swollen and bruised from some dental procedures I had done yesterday. Doing a lot of icecream eating.
Anyway, I've always been good at seeing something in my mind, then using my hands to create it. I've been fearlessly ignorant approaching fabric, which is fine if the object is something where people won't see the the workmanship. I made curtains when we first moved here - bought beautifull fabric and used a stapler to make the sleeves for the curtain rods. But I'd like to learn how to sew. I'd like to make myself and my kids clothes for us to feel good about. I've never been one for ruffles or accoutrements, that's just not my style. But I love fabrics, and I love to make things, so the combination makes sense. Rather than search to find things that fit, I want to make my own. Those fabrics are inspiring.
I know I've said before that I haven't worried about dressing to fit a gender role. My situation is definitely different, being with another woman right now. "Right now" - well, it's been 18 years and we have two kids. So I guess "right now" is probably a little more than that. But I am very comfortable wtih androgeny in areas of my life other than work. I think I miss by breasts more than my partner does. But I also think about what if it were the other way around. That would be very tough for me. I know I would have to go through some of the mourning and grieving I'm doing for my breasts now if it had been hers that had to go. I just can't be touched without having mourneful thoughts, and oddly enough, if hers had been the ones, I am absolutely sure I would be mourning them in much the same way. Both sets were always a really important part of sex for me.
I'm pretty damn far removed from these men whose female partners no longer have breasts. I'm not a man, it was my own breasts that are gone. But still, I get these flashes of what I think it would be like for them, and it's sad. There's such anguish to me in still being able to imagine things so well, and then they're just not there. The image I see or feel is just my imagination.
I think it would be very easy to be a good man, a sensitive and caring person, a good husband, and have a hard time coming to terms with what has happened to us. Right smack in the middle of what used to connote pleasure is loss and the fear of death. I don't much blame them for wanting to cover it up. I just think it's wishful thinking to expect that to work, rather than just waiting the time that it takes for the sting of the wound to ease. It's always going to be there, it just won't always be fresh.
I wish us strength in finding our ways . It's got to be such a process for all of us, patients and partners. And it's so far from over when the hullabaloo of treatment ends.
Edited to add: I must've done alright with my amateur sewing, she won a prize tonight!
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Oh Outfield! I thought I was the only curtainstapler in the world. You write beautifully about the feelings.
It's only dawning on me in baby steps. For instance, I pulled my t-shirt off the other day and literally thought, "Something's missing." For a split second, I forgot.
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Happyraccoon, how nice to see your smiling face!
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Mt1 - my relationship with my husband has been difficult at times and as said before, he did equate the loss of breasts as being less feminine. I found at first that it took a while to become intimate again, but not because he didn't want to. It was because I felt self conscious and wouldn't let him touch my chest or my remaining breast. I too am slim with short hair and once the remaining breast goes I will pretty much look like a pre-pubescent boy. I am kind of worried about how long that might take my husband to get used to. I do not intend to start wearing heels or anything ultra feminine, but I have realized that over the years I have gotten lazy. I used to love having long painted nails, and wear dangly earrings, but haven't bothered for a long while. These things were me - so I will try them again. They are just little feminine touches. (I'm keeping my short hair). I also got lazy and have worn sweats or baggy pants alot at home the last few years, so I will try to at least go for yoga pants, and other close fiting but comfortable pants that show a sexy tush. I have started picking brighter clolours which make my face look like it has more colour, because I can't do the makeup thing. I may try the suggestion that one of you made about buying some sexy underpants and lacey camisoles, though I don't know if I will do the foobs. It is definately a difficult adjustment for both partners in re-establishing intimacy. I would expect that more people have had this problem than have said, but that is understandable since it is so personal. So many emotions.
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So many emotions is exactly what I feel. I am so touched with all your posts as I try to deal with feelings myself.
Today I was in a restaurant and there were a group of 4 men behind me talking about how men are "hardwired to respond to breasts". Well, I don't think that is true because it is not true for all cultures, but imagine my thoughts sitting there, my back to them, my front....flat.
I like what MT expressed, I need to find clothing that does not hide anything, but says "hell yes" about myself. I already do wear more color than I ever have...and I need to explore fabric, texture and scarves....
And i need to not be lazy about all the feminine things I loved before cancer.
Momine and Tina, you are both so lovely!!!!!!
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Tina, your hair is amazing! Very beautiful.
Outfield, I sew a lot and get a real kick out of it. If you start with a commercial pattern of some kind, those things usually have fairly good and detailed instructions on them. You can learn to sew quite well by following along with those instructions. Your ability to visualize will come in very handy if you decide to adjust or make patterns. I took some pattern making courses eons ago, and still make good use of the knowledge I gained back then.
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I used to sew but haven't got the patience and time anymore to do a whole shirt from scratch. I bought a second hand sewing machine at a yard sale this summer and it works quite well. I plan to use it to alter some of the clothes I have because I find that necklines tend to be too low or to gape when you bend forward. I think if I take them up at the shoulder seam, or add some tucks or gathers in the neckline, I can fix this problem. The first mistake I made in buying tops was buying them too loose and they look shapeless because there are no breasts to give the top a shape. Two tops, in particular, are draped at the neck. If I leave the loose draping in the top part, but take the tops in a little bit in the waist, it will create a little bit of shape. For those who don't sew, a belt or scarf, can work to create a shape as well. I don't think you have to be a really good sewer to make some small changes to get a better fit.
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You guys are so kind, it means a lot.
I haven't sewn clothes in a while, but I seem to recall the Simplicity patterns were the easiest to follow. Do they still make that brand?!
Speaking of low necklines, sometimes a piece of lace can be attached inside to mimic the look of a cami and give just a little more coverage. Someone mentioned that here a while ago.0 -
Tina, Simplicity patterns still exist, but their fit is not very good. Burda is easy to follow as well and tends to have better fit. Vogue patterns have the seam allowance included on the pattern. This makes it faster and easier to cut them out, although it can be a bit annoying when you want to alter the pattern. Vogue tends to have the best fit, but can run pretty expensive.
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I never heard of Burda, will have to check them out. I agree about the fit of Simplicity patterns not being so good, even back when I used. I remember the Vogue patterns being the best and expensive. However, I needed detailed instructions since I wasn't very experienced and found the Vogue difficult. No one to ask for help! Do they still make McCall's patterns? I remember them but didn't use.
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I like Burda, and at least in Europe, they publish a magazine every months with patterns included. it is a bit of a pain, because you have to copy off the pattern from a sheet, but very cost effective.
McCall's still exists, and their patterns are not bad.
The last batch of patterns I bought I got from en e-Shop, and they were much cheaper than usual.
If you get stuck for instructions, you can always try searching for instructions on the net. There are loads of video instructions online for all kinds of sewing questions.
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True about asking for help, Momine. Terrific to have people I could ask. When I tried to sew clothing, it was long before the Internet. Looks like I have some catching up to do. I have been sewing more decorative things like pillows, pillow cases, and I am going to work on some curtains soon. They are simple things that only require sewing a straight line!
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You inspired me to get off my butt and alter the clothes I had been meaning to do for awhile. Two of the tops have a draped front neckline with a built in cami or t-shirt underneath. I took up the shoulder seams of the cami portion by half inch, bringing the camis two inches higher and tighter than they originally were (remember that a half inch seam adjustment at the neck on each side equals 2 inches). I've been self-consciously holding the neckline close every time I wear those tops and need to bend over a desk to sign something. Such a simple fix and I never have to think about those necklines again. I also put a couple of tucks at the neckline in the fluttery sleeves of another top, and presto! -no more droopy neckline. I really should have done this sooner! Thank you to whomever got us on to this sewing topic, I don't know why I hadn't thought about it.
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Djustme -- That's great you were motivated to alter your tops. I have a few sleeveless cotton tees with smocking in the front, but because I am flat the fabric sags below the breast line. I have held the shoulders up and know it would correct the problem, but I am hesitant to try with this kind of fabric. Maybe I am dense, but if you do a 1/2 inch seam adjustment on each side (front and back), I would have thought that would equal a one inch difference. Where's the extra inch come from? Or do you mean one inch on each shoulder?
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Thought I'd share what I just posted on my blog, Beyond The Rainbow. Our conversation here finally sparked something that I wanted to share with my friends and family who read my posts. Only those of us "living it" can know the depth and breadth of changes to our lives. Between my art and a few words some of those who care may grasp that the scope of change in our lives is more than what's obvious ... more than the hoopla that's put forth during this month of cancer awareness.
Here's the link to my blog:
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Wow, Granellie, I saw things in those quilts I'd never seen before or really even thought of before.
For so long, I have had in the back of my mind this thought that I will be able to do more with my hands again when the kids are grown and I'm retired (so maybe 20 years from now). What a mistake to hold for granted that future.
I am not feeling well right now, getting over oral surgery (long story) on Thursday, and unfortunately had the kids all weekend while my partner did something educational. Unfortunately, but also fortunately. They were wonderful - sweet and silly - I just crashed this afternoon and couldn't get off the couch. It felt like back in chemo, except they're older. A couple times during chemo I felt so bad I knew I had to be lying on the floor, so to get them to stay in one place I put them in the tub then lay in the hallway with my face in the doorway watching them. Today I lay on the couch and they ran around naked making potty jokes, just squealing the whole time. As long as nobody left the house and the stove wasn't on . . .
Cancer does make me more aware of the limits to my life, the risks in postponing things, the knowledge that if I die sooner rather than later this is the me my kids will have known, not all the things I wanted to do.
So back to flatness - I may have them help with some pockets. I hope I didn't get rid of all my fabric with stories related to my chest.
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Outfield, thank you for checking out my blog post and your comment.
I can hardly comprehend what you're going through with the oral surgery on top of all else. Bummer! And you're right about the kids. No matter what, they're grown and gone out on their own before you know it. It's wonderful for them, as well as for yourself, that you realize this and make memories ... especially good ones on bad days. Kudos! I'm sure that day of fun won't be forgotten.
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Granelie...what a creative soul you have.
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Outfield, I can relate to not wanting to postpone things. Cancer has drawn back the curtain, demonstrating what a mistake it is to take the future for granted. Sometimes I am glad for that, the wake up call. Other times it sets me apart from friends who haven't come face to face with their mortality. But I still have to live in a way that reflects this new feeling/understanding, even if others don't fully get it. I hope my greater happiness in everyday things spirits others along with me.
Yes, Pip, I was going to say the same thing. We have so many creative women here in this group! Thoughtful, creative, insightful, and incredibly kind.
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Hello, all you flat chested women! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the choice not to reconstruct- I had a BMX four days ago- for me reconstruction was not something that seemed to matter and yet I feel a bit defensive- i am almost 54-married with kids and grandkids. I am not "girlie" but I do like makeup and earrings. I have super short hair- I usually wear jeans. I just like being me- I am wondering if I will be judged- sure hope I don't care if I am. I have noticed some people seem surprised by my decision and are confident I will change my mind. I am just as confident I won't. This should be interesting. I don't want breast forms because- why? Am I missing something?
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Hello, all you flat chested women! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the choice not to reconstruct- I had a BMX four dags ago- for me reconstruction was not something that seemed to matter and yet I feel a bit defensive- i am almost 54-married with kids and grandkids. I am not "girlie" but I do like makeup and earrings. I have super short hair- I usually wear jeans. I just like being me- I am wondering if I will be judged- sure hope I don't care if I am. I have noticed some people seem surprised by my decision and are confident I will change my mind. I am just as confident I won't. This should be interesting. I don't want breast forms because- why? Am I missing something?
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Pip57 and Tina337, thank you. I see from the stats on my blog that nearly 40 readers of that post, "Beyond the Rainbow," have gotten there through BC.org. I appreciate it very much.
I'm getting to the point of being able to talk more about all this. For a while it was more a case of just "hanging on." I thank all who post about personal triumphs and trials here. I celebrate the good along with you ... and the other makes me feel less alone, as well as giving me direction and possible solutions.
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Dawn, I thought little about reconstruction issues around the time of my diagnosis. I was really focused on the cancer. But it would be fairly out of character for me to have wanted to do it, and I think those close to me realize that. I eat organic and local as best I can, exercise, raise my kids without a working TV In the house, and don't wear makeup. If you could combine crunchy and jock, that's about where I am, and breast implants don't fit too well with either of those buttonholes. I haven't gotten any pressure about it. My surgeon at one point confided to me that having lived her life with a tiny chest so far she would probably do the same thing.
Really, I don't want numb lumps. I would love to have real, healthy breasts again, but not something purely visual in its function.
I do own a pair of breast forms, but I didn't come by them the usual way. The 90-something year old mother of my partner's stepfather died last year, and in cleaning out her things my mother-in-law found her forms and a bra and thought I might like to see how they felt. Apparently the dead woman was a similar size to me. I tried them on once, all by myself. It was a hard experience for me. I miss the sensation of my breasts really badly, and as soon as the forms were on my front I found myself prodding them with this semi-delusional expectation that if I poked hard enough I'd have to be able to feel it. Just total frustration. And after having gone flat a while, I didn't like the weight of things on my chest.
I really do understand women wearing forms. I wasn't sure I'd feel OK going flat in public, although as it's turned out I'm fine. But it seems to me similar to people wearing prosthetic legs that have a matching shoe on them, rather than just a blade. If I got gaping stares all the time, maybe I'd resconsider for places like work, where I would mind gaping stares. But overall, I want it to be OK to be who I am.
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I read your blog Granellie, love the quilts, they are gorgeous, love them all, love the one that looks like impressionist, the painted flowers, so cool. I too am awed by all the talented women here!! the beautiful handmade clothing, quilts, the thoughtful writing, the support. I come back every day to check on this thread
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Ladies, thank you for your insights. I would never presume to judge anyone for having reconstruction or wearing a prothesis. I just don't want to because .... I don't see the need for me. Same for wigs or false eyelashes. It's a funny thing based on individual comfort level. I think I might want a glass eye, for instance-LOL. Anyway, here's to respecting the individual!
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Dawn, Outfield, I have always found the idea of silicone implants revolting. In my 20s, I was very small-breasted and I lived in LA, so I had people suggest a boob job to me more than once. Never did it seem appealing, and I was happy to be small.
I did research the flap recons, but like Outfield, I just can't wrap my head around such a long and risky surgery, butchering other parts of my body and for what? Non-functioning and possibly ugly boobs.
Unlike many of you, I do usually wear forms, tiny ones. In the beginning, it simply had not occurred to me that going flat in public was an option. I may ditch them one day, but I do like having my clothes fit the way I am used to having them fit.
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I just want to chime in on the point somebody made that people think you'll change your mind - I'm over six years out and I've never faltered in my decision to not have reconstruction. As was mentioned, if I could have natural warm, sensate breasts I'd do it. But silicone breasts or scavenging other body parts to make breasts held no appeal for me and still doesn't.
I do wear forms very occassionally and I don't feel "fake" when I wear them or anything. I just feel more comfortable when I don't.
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