No treatments for me.
Comments
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Ali, at least a fibroid is not the worst thing! I hope it can be managed with minimal disruption of your life as you deal with all the other issues.
I have been thinking of Cin and the concept of bravery. I think at some point we have no choice but to be brave; courage is moving forward despite fear. We have fear of recurrence, fear of pain, fear of death, fear of disability, fear of losing independence, fear of complications of the disease itself, fear of the treatments.... it goes on and on. And so if we choose treatment that is harsh and difficult, we are brave. And if we choose no treatment but rather the consequences of disease progression, we are also brave. We have no choice but to be brave in our actions. We need to celebrate our courage every day.
I also was thinking about a lot of other stuff, too much thinking today. I realized that we cannot avoid death, but we can avoid (eventually) pain through death. I am thinking about how my pain experience can transform me: it can be positive or negative, it can make me more empathetic, more willing to help others, or it can make me bitter and angry and cranky and fretful. It certainly does have an effect on my attitude, and I am trying so very hard to keep loving thoughts in my mind and heart, loving words coming from my mouth rather than the whiney, complaining comments that so often greet DH when he arrives home. I want him to love me, care for me, and if I become very negative, no one will want to be around me, and I don't even want to be around myself when I let that negative attitude prevail. Today has been particularly difficult with pain that has no end in sight, so I am trying to "breathe" through it today, as I have learned in mindfulness-based pain management, took a short walk for fresh air, and am offering prayers for all of you in pain today. May you all have some relief, know that you are not alone, know that you are loved.
Cin, this is especially for you - more love coming your way tonight.
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Cin, thinking of you and hoping that cough has eased up a bit. Much love to you.
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Sending loving thoughts and prayers to everyone on this board. Linda, I pray your pain eases and you can recover some of your good spirits!
Prayers for you Cin, hoping the pain and breathing difficulties in your lungs ease. And loving thoughts to your wonderful husband who must be going through his own hell because of watching you suffer like this. And praying for all your family too.
love to everyone., lorna
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I hope all are finding their purple happy place...
Heres a little smile for you Cindy.. and all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP9b_91PHi8
The dancing nana... such a great story.
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Oh, Celine! Cracking me up!!!! I could dance the whole f***** day, too!!!! Would love to have ALL you ladies, including Cin and Elaine join in for a little dance number today! Now I will be humming that tune all day!
Lorna, thanks for the well wishes - I think they worked. I took pain pill and xanax, then spent about 14 hours in bed resting & sleeping, woke up feeling much better. If I could just not move my right arm at all I think the pain would be less as movement of my sleeve against my skin or even skin against skin seems to trigger the burning pain sensation.
Cin, I hope you are getting some relief from cough and pain today. I am sending you mental telepathy of the scene from my back porch: sunny day, brilliant clouds high in the sky, very cool breeze across my face, birds at the feeder and singing loudly in the surrounding trees. I am sitting here, soaking up the moment, breathing, grateful for the moment of beauty. May you have as many moments of beauty today as possible, and know that you are loved.
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Linda, glad you had a good visit and you came back safely..love your thoughs and for me I agree but I will whine if I want to and do what I want to....am trying to survive this diease and am tired of being strong...with people saying what is wrong with you.....my fingernails are going to fall off, I can be cranky and crabby...
Ali...ok now what?
Cin....missing you...
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Blondie, I am so sorry you are dealing with the taxotere issues. That alone entitles you to be crabby, cranky, and just generally grumpy. I am over 2 years out from last taxotere and still feel like crap, so even though I talk big about finding good stuff each day, some days it is very very difficult, and I end up with the negative thoughts and behaviors. Some days I find the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off and be strong, and other days I just want someone to hold me and rock me gently, and be strong FOR me. And so I am sending you those virtual arms to hold you and rock you gently, and I will be strong for you for today and any other day you need me. You are loved, even if you feel cranky.
And I am holding Cin and Elaine and family as well.
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Linda, hope your pain gets under control. I love your words about the pain and how you can try to use it in a beneficial way, thank you (and all of you wonderful ladies) for sharing intimate thoughts about your journey with us - the value is beyond anything you might imagine!
As a career military officer who flew around in airplanes, carried guns, worked in the Pentagon just prior to and after 9/11, etc I was always prepared to die a quick death. My wills were always made up, powers of attorney in order, had paperwork to transfer my daughter to a relative if hubby also died in the same incident. I still am ready for the quick death. Never gave much thought to a long journey at the end but I am thinking hard now about my own wishes and desires when those days come (as they will for us all unless the unexpected happens).
Met with some soldiers just after they returned, having lost limbs at the war. One young man, handsome and proud, had lost both arms and a leg - he told me point blank that he'd wished he died out there and that we didn't have the fancy battlefield triaging, etc that saved so many of our troops in the Middle East that would have killed them instantly in Vietnam. I struggled with this, trying to wrap my mind around it - then I realized that death is not the worse thing that can happen to us. I try to remember that and live accordingly. Taking the last breath is as natural as taking the first.
Just more deep thoughts to pile on here...love to all of you and CINDY-ROSE - you rock, lady - I hope you are doing ok this week, please check in with us or Elaine so she can update us. xoxoxo
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thanks Linda, back at ya....unfortunately I know that i will be on chemo forever or until I decide to stop.....you made me smile.....
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Hi Cindy, hope your breathing is better and you have a little sunshine.
Today i found out my client died a day after i spoke to her last week. Also keep reading how bad my cancer is and how poor the out come. I still can't believe i've had cancer!!!
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Lovely post Linda, you're a strong lady-even if you don't always want to be
Blondie, always wishing you well on your hard road.
Carp, very thought provoking post. I've always felt that there are things worse than death and when we think of those poor soldiers coming home from giving everything for their country to a life of handicap, thats a hard thing to bear. I wonder will those who cause these wars and conflicts and force others to fight their battles for them, ever have to answer for their actions? It is indeed a strange world and the longer you live in it, the more you see how hard a world it is. There must be some big reward waiting in heaven for all this suffering, not only by those on this thread but the suffering we see around us every day. Maybe it makes us philosophical - but I'd rather see less suffering and just not have to wonder why it's there at all, as i'm sure everyone else would too.
Thinking of you today Cin, as always. May the angels be at your side.
lov to all, lorna
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Stopping by to check on Cin and everyone. Hoping pain and cough and other physical issues are easing, praying that your emotional and spiritual being remains strong and at peace.
Carpediem, your post was indeed thought-provoking. I have taught health professions students for over 30 years, and this is an area I have addressed in a variety of ways. There are no easy answers, but one thing I have tried to convey is that each person experiences loss and disability in a unique way, and that we cannot understand that completely, and that to judge others for their personal values keeps us from helping them in a way that will reduce suffering.
I had a mini-meltdown with my mom just a bit ago - had not told her anything other than I had recurrence, finally told her a little more today. I need help, don't know where to turn, just to get my house in some sort of order so that I can even get to the taxes and the flexible spending reimbursements. Everything is in boxes, stacked in a couple of rooms because we just had new floors put in, and now it has been a month and I cannot find things, cannot get to things I need, feeling completely overwhelmed. Don't have the energy to even begin tackling any of this, and when I actually DO try to put things away, the pain flairs up again and then the negative thoughts come back .... I am trying to "get my affairs in order" so when it is time, I can follow Cin's path. Sometimes it frightens me that it may be so soon, other times it frightens me that it will not come soon enough and that it is so dragged-out. Please pray that I may find the strength and courage I need for the next moment, for the next hour, for the next day ....
Today I will walk in the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze, and keep each of you with me in my heart. Peace.
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Linda, it is so hard to be one of us, and we tend to not share things for whatever the reason, glad you can come here and do so....glad you told your mother, what happened.....
good, thanks for your thoughts...
ali, I am so sorry.....{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
RED thanks for checking in
Cin and Elaine....thoughts are going to both of you...
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(((Linda))) The worst of it must be the lonelness sometimes. Don't know if I would tell my family were I to get mets.
I often think there are things worse than death - but for those who may lose their life, life can be everything. I have been through times where I value life more than anyone I know, and through others where I would throw it away in a second. Not having that choice, though, has to make life take on a new meaning - perhaps.... for some, it is always easier to let go.
This is a very special thread - there is so much generosity of thought here that one doesn't always see elsewhere.
Also wondering about both Cindy and Elaine.
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Linda. Sometimes your posts make me kinda sad but happy too! Don't know how to explain it any further than that except to say you see into things deeply and have a way with your posts that's moving. You talk straight and others on this thread do too. Its refreshing in this world of 'putting our best face on' to be able to read stuff from the heart.
You've a great inner strength Linda. My prayers for all of you girls here. You're an amazing bunch!!
lorna
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Good morning Cin, Elaine, Athena, Ridergirl, Lorna, Blondie, Celine, Carpediem, Gracie, and anyone I have forgotten. This is almost always my first stop when I log onto the boards - you are all THE BEST!!!! We are here to support Cin first, and each other as well. Today I am here to share the beautiful sunshine, cool crisp morning, and a cup of tea to start the day. Much lovingkindness to each of you, and special prayers for comfort for Cin. I hope you are still reading as often as you can, and/or that Elaine is reading to you. We love you, and although we cannot be there physically, we are here for you as best we can be. ((((hugs))))
Athena, I had not told my family I had mets - simply that I had recurrence. Thought that was all they needed to know. Finally just had to let my mom know because I need her help - still have not told her the extent, which is still only bone as far as I know - but figured there is not much they can do anyway as long as I am still hanging in there trying treatment. If/when I discontinue treatment I WILL talk with them, just as I would want them to do if the tables were turned.
Lorna and others, thank you for your kind comments about my posts. I try to be thoughtful and respectful and nonjudgmental and supportive and loving in all my posts. My father taught me the Golden Rule when I was very young, and I try to live it, knowing that I fall short of it in so many ways, but then I try again, and try to live it in ALL my activities (even driving, if you can believe that!!! keeps my road rage anxiety much much lower than when I was in my 20s!).
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Dearest Cin, hoping that today finds you comfortable and that your cough has lessened. Love you.
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i am so grateful for Cindy and Elaine's openess .
This thread has helped myself and my family in so many ways...
thank you..to all of you
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Almost forgot to tell you Cin. Looks like I might be moving to Arizona! Hope if it all works out, we'll get to hang out for a little while. Still working out details but it can't come soon enough for me. Temperature here was -30 degrees yesterday...one day before spring. WTF? Anyhoo, looking forward to leaving this god-forsaken climate behind for a year at least and getting some sun. Hope it all works out and I get to meet the most beautiful soul it's been my pleasure to get to know, if only through these boards.
Ed: Just realized how imposing that sounds. My apologies....only if you feel like it. If things work out, feel free to tell me to piss off. I can't imagine you want some stranger blowing in....hard enough to deal with family visiting.
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Linda....I understand, I have no family but my kids, and the oldest is 38, and in denial or doesn't want to deal with it, his father is dead and so are his grandparents...I am a single parent of 5 and they all don't know anything cause they don't ask, they have been asking how I feel, I guess cause they see me, or want me to do something I can't b/c of chemo....my others are 35, and 31 and I have the twins who are 19 that are here, and are no help at all.....
gracie, where do you live now?
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Linda-n3, I have to tell you that your posts are very comforting to read. You are someone who although you have a lot to deal with gives hope and comfort to others. I like that and I have read a few of your posts here and there and find you intelligent and kind...just wanted you to know!
Cindy, still praying hard that you are comfortable.
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Looks like Cin was out here today, so let's keep leaving notes for our wonderful lady!
Cin, hope you are resting comfortably, surrounded by lots of caregivers who are serving at your beckon call! I picture you ringing the buzzer and them running in to serve your every need! If they aren't let me know...I will send a drone to hover outside of their office window ;-)
Hugs!
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I'm probably not supposed to post here (by directions) above, but I've taken to reading this topic to see the inspiration, grace, and courage you ladies have. What a beautiful way to support one another! I am truly humbled by all of you. I keep you in my prayers and just want you to know that. Cin, thanks for starting this and letting me share your bravery. I'm hoping this helps me be more compassionate towards others. Thank you for allowing me to understand your journeys.
((Hugs to all!))
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Linda - you are sunshine.
Stopping by to check on Cindy.
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Hi Maddy! :-) Anyone who supports these amazing ladies is welcome with open arms! I broke the rule a long time ago ;-)
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Welcome, Maddy!
Cin - sending you a hug.
Cindy has inspired this very special thread to be what it is - loving, inclusive and with only one agenda: friendship. Rest of BCO - take note!
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I hope I am not intruding, I have been following this thread since Cindy-Rose started it.
Cindy, I am sending you strength & love. You are very special.
Everyone here has a heart of gold.
Pure & simple.
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Welcome Valjean!
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Cindy, thinking of you. Hoping that cough is under control and your not in too much pain.
Blondie, I live in the Canadian Prairies....yuck.
Hi Valjean!
ed: Elaine, how are you doing? Thinking of you too.
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just popping in to say thinking of you Cin and sending you loving prayers.
Good thoughts and lov to everyone else here too.
lov lorna
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