No treatments for me.
Comments
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They have both logged in within the past week or so.
Sunny day one second, cloudy the next here. Otherwise, no complaints.
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Hi Cindy,
This is my first time here. I came across this forum somehow and read your biography. By the time I was finished, I was crying. I know you are a strong person and a survivor. I hope you are pain free and comfortable. I just did not understand why doctors did not inform you about your diagnosis. I did not think this could happen in this country. I am proud of you for your courage. Take care.
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Checking in tonight after a very busy and tiring day. Saw the interventional pain doc - she has lots of invasive options but nothing simple except trying steroid injection one more time, so will do that next week. What ticks me off is that cancer has not caused me ANY pain, but surgery and chemo have done so much damage I will never recover from, and nothing worked anyway. Crap. But I told her I would consider her offer when I get to 3 weeks or so of life expected IF I have so much pain I am unable to deal with it. She really does have some things that might work for me if I could just accept being hospitalized for a few days and a foreign object implanted in my abdomen - I just think a pain pump would bother me because I would be able to feel it under the skin, and I have such a hard time dealing with abnormal sensations anywhere in my body. Silly, isn't it? I would rather deal with pain than abnormal sensations. And I am feeling very stressed about time left and what I want to get done because the letrozole doesn't seem to be working and I'm not sure I can agree to some other treatments. Cin has been so strong, so true to herself, I wonder if I have the same courage of my own convictions.
And so I am hoping Cin is getting relief, but I am concerned that we have not heard from Elaine. You are both constantly in my heart, mind, and prayers.
Much lovingkindness to all on this thread.0 -
Linda, I hope that you can find some peace and some relief from your pain. I know that if it were me, I would take the pain relief! I am not as brave as you are. God bless you and any of those suffering.
I feel kind of guilty cause I was bitching about a little pain earlier (had seed implanted in my already sore boob from two lumpectomies for the one week rads protocol) and when I think of what you and others are going through, I feel like a big baby! Hugs to you and to Cindy!
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Cindy and Elaine, missing you both very much. My thoughts are always with you.
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Linda can't stand the port in my chest, don't like foreign objects in my body....need it tho, veins are gone except 1 and the ones in my feet, and they won't touch them, they told me wednesday when the port would not cooperate and have had the port a year now...but that is how the chemo goes in...all my veins blow everytime they try to put something in it, the one in my hand they use to take blood...
thoughts and prayers are with you and Cin and Elaine hope all is well...
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Blondie, my first MO suggested a port for chemo, but I refused, and will continue to refuse. I don't have great veins now either, but I don't plan to do IV chemo again, so am not worried about it. Interesting about the bravery thing, though.... I was truly not wanting to do any more treatment, but when the tumor came back and decided to take up its abode in other places, I DID agree to trying one more AI, and I have not had bad SEs from it. Of course, I don't think it is working all that well, either, as I have had 3 new lumps come up since I started it, so don't really know what the plan will be when I see the MO next week. She has suggested one medication that is given by IM injection, and I am just not wanting to do that either - not sure why I am so resistant. But every time the question comes up, my whole inner being screams NO!!!!! And I have to say, that was the response I had to the suggestion for rads, and I have been at peace with my decision to not do rads; my response to the first chemo was NO and I have not been well or at peace since the first cycle, and I know now I have to listen to myself when I am screaming NO at myself. The chemo basically destroyed my life as I knew it, and BMX finished that job by giving me chronic pain. So I have looked to Cin for articulating so much of what I have felt and gone through. I miss her and her comments, and pray that she is comfortable.
Cin, I send you all my love today.0 -
Linda and Blondie. So sorry to read about all your continuing suffering. Unfair doesn't begin to describe it. I'll never understand how one person gets lucky and finds it early-like me and gets a really good prognosis and another pulls the short straw....I often wonder is it all just the luck of the draw or some bizarre design? And if it's fate, that doesn't seem to make any sense to me either.
You girls here have immense courage and put my own whining to shame each time I read more of your hard and brave journey with this damn monster!
Remembering Cindy and all of you this evening.
love lorna
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Just checking to see if there has been any word from Cindy or Elaine... And sending best weekend wishes to all, as we wait.
Carpe, Athena... xo to both of you special ladies.
Rose.
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Good morning to Cin, Elaine, and everyone here supporting them. Just letting you know I am thinking of you.
Lorna, thank you for your kind words. I have been reading a lot about process theology because I used to question that IF there was a God, and IF it was a loving God, why would bad things happen to anyone? For example, why would a tsunami happen? Why would one person get cancer? Why would one soldier lose 2 legs and an arm? Why would some scheming politicians get rich? And as I read and study, I am understanding that there are laws of nature that God created and that God does not break, and I also believe God gave us free choice, and that the choices we make determine the outcome. So at some point, the combination of genetics and exposure contributed to make cancer for me, and my choices have either helped my body recover or not, including choices to undergo treatment that didn't work, or not undergo treatment that might or might not have worked. The past brings us to the present, and the choices we make in the present take us into the future. And so if I believe in a loving God, TODAY, the PRESENT, is a gift of love, to be enjoyed as best I can, and I cannot know what tomorrow brings so worrying about it is a waste of time and energy (and ultimately a sin????). I believe God wants the best for everyone, but cannot change the laws of nature (God), and so when we are faced with adversity, the best we can do is think (pray) about the choices we have in order to move into the best possible outcome. And for me that best possible outcome is to love and be loved, regardless of pain or disability. Yes, I whine and moan and groan and complain bitterly, yes I have anger, but at the end of the day, I try to remember all the moments of beauty, love, and joy - those are the "moments of grace" that I have been given that day.
I have read a lot about St. Ignatius who has very specific instructions for daily prayer, called the Examen. First, be aware of God's presence. Next, review the day with thanks (I try to keep a little note of the things I am thankful for and put in in a crystal biscuit jar on my kitchen counter each night. I used white notes in January, purple in Feb, green in March, will do yellow in April ... makes a really lovely centerpiece!). Third, note your feelings, your emotions, how you feel in your heart. Fourth, choose one aspect of your day and pray about it specifically. And finally, look to tomorrow - plan for action - I usually try to think about doing what I can that will show love, such as just simply making a phone call. And of course, I do plan those tasks that HAVE to be accomplished, but again, when I think about it, just doing the laundry is a demonstration of love toward my family. Regardless of religion or denomination, this approach actually brings some insight, joy, and appreciation for at least SOME aspect of each day.
Sorry to write so much - I just needed to share these thoughts with those of you who may find them useful, and the rest of you can just skip over it. It's just Linda getting verbose again.
I guess I should have put this disclaimer at the top!!!! 
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Hi everyone,
What you say makes a lot of sense Linda. Your last post is something I will want to read several times more to absorb it. - I like to mull over things!
I do believe that we must not think this life should be a 'happy ride' or that at lease we are foolish if we do, for everyone will have their own crosses to bear on the road and each one is personal to that individual. If the cancer doesn't get me who knows what's waiting in the wings to end my days but there certainly is something as Chief Joseph said,'-no man can be exempt from the common destiny-'. It's one of the reasons we should be tolerant and nonjudgmental of others as no one knows what's going on at any moment in another's life.
I see such bravery and often deep insight on these boards and on this thread particularly that it's quite profound at times.
The hardest thing I find to learn is how to relinquish trying to 'consciously' control every turn in life, it's something I personally learned to try to do early because of a childhood that was mostly very insecure, not financially but emotionally. I think emotional insecurity as a child turns adults into 'control freaks' and terrible worriers, even pessimists.
I liked where you say "there are laws of nature that God created and that God does not break, and I also believe God gave us free choice, and that the choices we make determine the outcome". The one thing I wish I knew is how to actively influence those outcomes - but that's one of the big secrets of life I feel and can you cheat destiny anyway?.
I always remember what my 92 year old aunt told me when i asked her the secret of a long and happy life. She said without hesitation... "to accept the hand that life has dealt you..."
I can't always do it but I try.
Love to everyone this evening. Cindy and Elaine, praying for you.
lorna
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I wish we all lived near each other and we could meet up and chill together. My only sister can't talk to me because it hurts I have cancer. I think of you ladies as my sister's, I love you all and I hope we all live to be old.
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I heard back from Elaine and she said she hasn't heard any news in a while. She tried calling but no one's picking up. She will try again and then call her mum.
Maybe Cindy's time is near and they are being a family.
Very hard times for all near the end of life.
Love to everyone xxx0 -
ThANKS FOR GETTING IN TOUCH WITH elAINE. CAPS UGH! My take is that Cindy may be doing okay if folks are out and about and not picking up the phone, for their sister.
Praying for peace, blessed Easter.
Love Ginger
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ali, thank you for the news -little as there is of it. At least we know something.
I too, wish we could all meet. There are very few threads on BCO where the deep significance of our lot and our mortality is ever discussed. This is so refreshing. Linda, keep being verbose! I am an atheist so I never ask "why" but I do believe that a road to happiness lies through acceptance of one's lot.
Elaine must be feeling lonely now. I wish she would post. (((((ElaineforCindyRose))))
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Thanks for the news ali. Cindy, I love you and you're always in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and comfort. Elaine, I hope you're doing o.k. This all must be taking it's toll. Much love and hugs to you.
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sending love and purple bubbles to cindy...
thank you for letting me, us, sit on the bed with you
all my love
flower
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(((Cindy))) Hoping that she is feeling peace whatever is going on.
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Ali I am sorry, I agree also, say that all the time, wish we lived closer...how is your daughter? Also, thanks for letting us know about Elaine...
Cin or Elaine, here is hoping that your family is together....you all are so brave!!!
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Checking in on another Monday morning, sending you all love and hopes for inner peace. Sending special thoughts from my heart for love and peace, freedom from pain and fear to Cin and Elaine and their family. Gentle hugs to all.
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I'm not feeling very well still but wanted to stop and read all the posts. Each one means so much to me. I hope you are all doing well. I've had another infection pop up and I'm trying like hell to get rid of it. M&Ms do seem to help.
All my love to you,
cin
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Thanks for stopping in Cindy. There is a lot of love here for you. Enjoy those M&M's
Love Ginger
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(((Cindy)))), how nice to hear from you - so glad you were able to read! Rest up, by all means.
Here is an M&M love ballad for you.....
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Hi Cindy, it's so good to hear from you and I hope the infection goes soon.
Today we went in my GT-R and went racing on a track, omg it was amazing but very cold. Great seeing all the cars and saw some other racing as well.
It's soon that your going to be a grandma?
So glad your ok we all think of you everyday, love and peace to you and your family.
Alison xx0 -
((((Cin))). So good to hear from you... Hope your infection clears up soon for you.. Think of you often. You were such a big help to me earlier on..
Take care my friend.
Cindy0 -
Cin thanks for much for checking in with us and keep eating the M&M's....thinking about you always....
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Dearest Cindy, keeping my fingers crossed that this infection clears up quickly. Much love to you.
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excellent Gracie,
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(((Cindy))) Hoping that your infection is soon history!
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Warm Loving Greetings to all you Lovely Ladies
First, update on Cindy: Rick says she's doing fair-to-midland; she's eating well, getting around slowly now, still coughing a lot, taking another round of antibiotics for another lung infection, her breathing is better due to taking breathing treatments and using oxygen every night, her spirits are still the same ol' Cindy
The lovely and long awaited granddaughter is expected soon! Cin's DIL has a doctor's appt Tuesday; and the baby weighs 7lbs and is fully developed, they may induce labor if they "don't like what they see" whatever that means? DIL is "tired of being pregnant" which seems to be a very common statement from the women I've known who were pregnant -so that sounds normal to me, LOL
Now about me. Some kind souls mentioned I must be lonely and how this must be taking a toll on me ... well, you're all right,as usual
... it's getting harder to do things lately. I call and check in & it feels like I'm asking all the time Is Cindy dying faster? is she getting closer to moment of death which is the equivalent of peacefulness? Nobody ever says anything meanly or hints that I shouldn't be calling, but it's just how I feel sometimes -well, often. I know it only takes a couple minutes to check in, but some days I just don't. Other days, I call and no one answers -and that is absolutely fine, everyone needs space and time, and sometimes you just don't feel like talking to anyone about anything -let alone about how you're still in tremendous pain, life sucks, quality of life aint what you want it to be, but you know it's still going to get worse before it gets better (and by better I mean welcoming arms of death). Yet even as QOL sucks, you kinda hope you can stick around to see a brand new innocent life born into this world -a grandchild. I've been living on the hope that "no news is good news" and, this time, I was right. So, yeah, I'm in a rough spot. In a rut, trying to dig out as the trees are blossoming and flowers reaching up towards the sun. I've been getting outside, trimming trees and bushes, and cutting down little trees (the trunks about an inch in diameter, so nothing crazy big, just neatening up the yard) and making plans to improve the "curb appeal" of my yard .... I want to put mulch around my trees, then put nice rounded bricks around the mulch in a circle around the trees ... and I want to plant flowers in the mulch and maybe have a circle of mulch/bricks just with flowers between the two trees ... so many choices! I've been sitting in my swing in the back yard, drinking coffee in the morning and throwing a ball to my dog -who joyfully chases it down & is so proud to bring it back to do it again
.... then, there's work -I love my work, so it's not really "work" for me ... but I pulled some muscles in my low back about 2mths ago, and was blessed to be about to take off work for about 10 days which allowed the muscles to begin healing nicely ... I did well for about 6wks, then darned if I didn't tweak that same muscle again! I was only down for a day & I'm much better now, can't work as much as I'd like right now, but I'm able to work without pain -just soreness and achey when the muscles are tired. Ibuprophen is all I need -with some rest and I'm fine the next day. I also need to make some decisions about if I really want to develop my business for real ~half a**ed isn't working for me~ or if I want to work more hours at the resort spa .... So, that's my life currently in a nutshell --I'm living and breathing and loving each of you here loving and supporting Cindy and I --and each other-- day by day.
Ali, thank you for getting in touch with me!
Love & Hugs to each of you
Elaine
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