Mothers with school aged children
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I stayed up most of last night reading this topic from the beginning. It was exactly what I needed at the time. Like micmel said above, it was a gut punch to see the names of the many wonderful women lost in the recent year or so. Moms just like me, with kids just like mine. As upsetting as that is, I take comfort to see their warm words of advice and am grateful that their voices remain here forever. I was also comforted to see many with the same struggle I’m having about leaving a legacy to my two middle schoolers - what to do with our time together and what lasting, tangible items to create. I’m overwhelmed by trying to find the right things to leave me at peace and not burden them with letters or videos that make them cry instead of soothing them. I was a preschool teacher and think I will video myself reading some of their favorite picture books. And I’ll talk about them as little kids, what they’d liked about the books. So they can hear my silly voice reading something fun and be able to show their own kids a happy video. My daughter used to come in to my classroom on her spring break and read at circle time. I don’t think I want to leave a video that is too “final” sounding which would be depressing for us all. I received one of those hallmark recordable books when my kids were babies and had everyone in the family read a page. I treasure hearing my dad’s voice in it each Christmas since he died shortly after. I also saw online where people make teddy bears out of old shirts from loved ones. My 11 year old daughter has been borrowing my clothes more lately so maybe I’ll just take my cues from her. My 13 year old son has mild autism so i can’t really gauge how he is processing this. He’s an an avid reader and music lover so I think I may leave him a list of my favorite books and songs to help him discover more about me. I hope we keep this thread going!
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42young—how are things going with your son? It’s a hard decision to tell especially at that age. My son was barely 8...hr actually told me the other day he remembers me telling him and he knew it was something important but he was really confused about what it all meant. I have been one of the lucky ones and not been sick much of the time. I feel like my kids have been able to be kids and not carry an extra burden. That has been my goal at least. We talk more now that he is 15 but still I tend to want to shelter him. The most important thing to do is keep talking...not really about cancer, but keep feelings real and a normal part of daily life. I have found so many men just don’t know how to process feelings. I want that to change.
Momchichi—I am sorry you have found yourself here. It’s a lot to take in. I think the books and the clothes ideas are awesome! I know I mentioned the non-profit Inheritance of Hope before. They are worth checking out!! But on our Disney trip back in 2013 I had bought two journals, one for each kid...they are still blank to this day. I can’t bring myself to write in them. I would rather talk and have conversations with the kids then write them down...maybe when it gets to a certain point, I will feel differently. Leaving a legacy means and looks different for everyone. I hope you will share note with us.
I’m going to try to check in more often. I have had a good break from the boards, but I think I’m ready to come back...I need a place to write...my cancer is in check, but my mother (69) was dx last year with stage 4 ovarian and has several severe co-morbidities AND my dad (72) was dx with prostate cancer the year before me (so 8 years ago) but just recently had it removed and is having radiation...so I don’t know how long I can continue to compartmentalize everything that is going on. Writing is definitely cathartic.
So here are some updates pictures of my kiddos...I would love to see everyone else’s too!!!!
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Children's pictures are very cute
. Yes bringing up men who can deal with emotions would be a very good idea.My child is 14 soon 15. On primary diagnosis she was 2 and my breastfeeding stopped the day of diagnosis - she got ti it and was shocked by the taste of ultrasound gel so I rjougjt"jow convenient , silver lining ", told her :"gel" , extended my arms in a gesture meant to convey the message "tough, it has to stop and nothing I can do about it" and that was it. Since then she grown knowing I had cancer. Obviously she did not understand the implications of it specially as back then my chances of normal lifespan were 70% so I was bot preparing her for me passing away. When she grown up she understood it was dangerous and that it could come back and I was talking with her about it - who she would live with , what are the chances. Not often , may be like twice a year it would crop up in conversation. This time round I told her pretty much immediately - I would feel I am lying to her if I did not. We were so distraught I could not have hidden it the same as my research a out it and appointments and supplements etc etc.I welcomed talking about it after so she can tell me what she thinks about it. Qe have been discussing plans what is going to happen after I die from practical point of view. And from emotional. I given her a list of phone numbers of all the friends and relatives close to us. Originally after diagnosis I have thought I may be dead within months and we told it to her. Then I told her the likelihood I will live for 4-5 years as per Cleopatra trial ( I am so grateful for it !) so I myself feel in a very different place as opposed to those initial weeks and she does as well I think . There is no impending gloom feeling anymore.I am trying to organise counselling for her - she seems to cope well but thats on the surface.. Will do a diary as well. I am so happy it did not happen back then when she was 2, I feel now my mission is complete with her- feeling of achievement and enlightenment when some math task is solved - tick; feeling of being engrossed in a book for hours - tick, liking cycling - tick, appreciating it is good to speak Russian ( my first language )- tick, putting in touch with people who will look after her - tick, taking to a ballet and to Argentina where I used to live - tick, even her wanting to visit the village house in Ukraine where I used to live which I did not expect to happen. I like the way she deals with money and makeup ( former probably my input , latter defo not:)) Now everything else is a bonus rather than necesity. I hope my musings will be helpful to someone some day , they will be fine - my friend died of BC when her children were about 19 and 14 , single mother. They are fine , she would be proud of them if she seen them.
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those children are gorgeous and the hound dog!!!!!!!!! You have a lovely family. May you experience nothing but joy.
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thinking about you all as I get my 4 kids ready for school this morning before I go for my long day of treatment.
They are 17, 14,11, and 9 now . They were 8,5,2.5, and 3 months old at my initial diagnosis and 10, 7, 5.5, and 2 at my metastatic cancer diagnosis.
I am so thankful for every day I get with them. So much more to see.
Hugs to you all
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yep it is so good that so many milestones were reached with you. Here is a riddle- what does the saying "14 is better than 2 but worse than 25 " relates to? Answer - ages of children left behind
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Kjones, thanks for asking. My son is doing great. He is busy with new school (9th grade) & new friends & might forgot about my illness. We watch him very closely & talk more about everything & he seems to be more responsible than before which make us happy.
Lovely pics of your kids!! I hope we all will be here long enough to see every major milestones of their lives.
Hugs!!
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Hey everybody. This photo was taken at my son's high school graduation in 2016. My son is in college now. I have had active Stage IV mets for EIGHT YEARS. It was beyond my wildest dreams to think I'd see him graduate. That evening is still one of the highlights of my life. This past summer was the first that he didn't come home from college; he was living off-campus and his lease was a full year. That was hard, letting him go, as they say. I'm grateful to be here and remind myself how lucky I am to “suffer" from not seeing him every day.
Keep dreaming those dreams, young moms. I know being a mom with cancer takes a whole lot away from you, but it gives, too. Even a curse can be a blessing. Every summer, my son and I go to NYC for a few days. (It's where my MO is, Sloan-Kettering.) He's met my MO several times.
Rituals are so important. They will give your kids happy memories for a lifetime.
Hugs to everyone. (Hey there Micmel :-)0 -
tarheelmichelle~ youre so beautiful. Loving the family picture So glad to see you. Think of you often ! 🌹
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happy holidays to you all who despite everything make the magic happen.
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left—beautiful tree!! I just now feel like I’m getting over the holidays! It’s such a blessing and a lot going on...I hope everyone had a good time!
Life keeps going. I’m trying to keep up
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Hello to all you beautiful mothers with beautiful children. I have not posted since my initial diagnosis and treatment in 2011. Here I am, now 18 mos from Stage IV diagnosis and two failed treatments. I have a beautiful daughter who was 8 at my first dx and just graduated high school. My son, who was four, just started high school this year. I went through all the standard treatments, multiple surgeries, chemo, rads, tamoxifen, ovaries removed, AI and cancer still reared its ugly head 8 years later. I was hopeful that I would respond to treatments and live a “normal" life for at least a few years but my road has been bumpy. Ibrance with fasladex never worked for me. My cancer is highly HR + but resistant to hormonal therapy ( how is that even possible?). I started Xeloda a year ago and it, too, has now failed miserably. Cancer is back with a vengeance. I just found this out yesterday and have been unable to pull myself together since. I am scared and angry and so heartbroken at the thought of not watching my son grow up to adulthood, not being at my children’s weddings, not seeing my grandchildren, etc. It almost feels as if it's all brand new again and I am not coping well since my hopes have been dashed twice in such a short time.
Grateful to you wonderful ladies for sharing your stories. They have given me a glimmer of hope. None of us wants or deserves to be here. Your courage inspires me to keep fighting for my kids.
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pink butterfly- hang in there. We got ya. It’s awful when treatment fails.
I was in weekly taxi
Ok for over a year recently as everything else had failed me. It worked but my brain stopped behaving.
Now I travel to San Francisco every 3 weeks for a clinical trial which I hope extends my life. My kids are 9,12,15, and 17.
Hugs to you as you negotiate the next round of treatment. One day at a time. Whack it back and then some.
Thinking of you
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thank you leftfootforward. I have known friends with other types of cancer for whom a trial put them in full remission for almost a decade, and still going. I pray the same for you and may you blaze the trail for the rest of us! Hugs back at you, strong lady.
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pinkbutterfly—so sorry you find yourself here again. Damn. We will be here for you to cheer, cry, cuss, laugh...whatever you need! Wishing your next drug will be THE drug for you
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thank you Kjones13. Had a bronchoscopy two days ago for a new biopsy to check for any new mutations that can be targeted. I am on no treatment now while they reassess and so scared that cancer is multiplying rapidly within me. Hurts so much to be powerless against the thing threatening to take you away from your kids. I know you ladies get it. My family and husband do not get any of this or me and what I’m going through. So frustrating. Going through a tough time at home not getting the support I need. This means so much. Hugs to all.
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hugs pink butterfly.
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koi
my bunch from a recent trip to local beach. Why I get up every da0 -
thank you leftfootforward. Hugs back at you.
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@leftfootforward what a beautiful bunch they are! God bless one and all.
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thanks for starting this thread. I have two girls 18 and 14. Their father left us while I was recovering from cancer the first time in 2014. My younger daughter lives with his "new family" every other week.
My kids are wonderful and normal but basically ignore my cancer. They've made it clear that they don't want anything to do with it. I understand it logically but it makes it difficult, especially being single in a foreign country with no family. It takes an awful lot of energy to hide the fact that I feel so bad. Some days I go into my storage unit just to have somewhere to hide and cry.
A year ago I had to make the decision to find another home for the family dog. The kids were no help with her and I just couldn't give her what she needed alone. (luckily found a dream home for her on a horse farm) Friends refused to help because they felt that the girls should step up and do their part. So the girls are furious with me for taking their dog away (the one they wouldn't even walk) and keep showing me pictures of puppies. FInally I had to say, through tears, that I cannot in good conscience introduce an animal to the house that could live longer than me. It really breaks my heart. The girls were dumbfounded and frankly just don't believe me. That was just after the CT showed major progression to my bones and liver.
THe only thing that seems to work for us is to skip all the fantastic exotic trips (which are not easy to organize, plan, finance and lead on your own when you're stage IV on continuous chemo) and instead focus on things like a milkshake on tuesday nights. The calm, normal and everyday works best. I order in groceries when I can and inform, don't ask, when I need help. Things are good now, but that is mostly because I seem fine (and still use that storage unit to cry in). Whey don't hospitals have somewhere you can just go and scream?
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Hi arolsson, I can relate to some of your frustrations- I am a single mother of a 15 yo one and my last relationship of 6 years broke down 3 weeks before MBC diagnosis this summer. Crying is a frequent activity, feeling hurt by my daughter not caring, feeling hurt that I have to go through this alone , my daughter behaving as if my cancer did not exist - these are common feelings at this end.
I have enrolled in a parental course for parents of teenagers run by local council and asked my daughters school for some support for her so she has councelling cmsessikns at school.
After every upsetting incident I have with her I can see how me being tetchy teary and not in a good place contributed to it ... Not getting something from her hurts far more when I already feel overwhelmed by singledom and cancer ..
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Anotherone--many thanks for that. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need a shoulder to cry on. xo from Stockholm
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thank you
What support do you have - friends family any psychological support from cancer care providers , GP etc?
I noticed you said you were hiding how you felt - while it would probably be unfair to expect much support from children I think hiding the way you feel may be counterproductive and somewhat unfair - on one side we expect empathy from children and hurt when we dont get it but on another hide how we feel.
I may write you a PM with description of the last tiff I had with my daughter this morning 😏- probably better in PM so as not to take over the thread completely.
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hugs to both of
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I hope this brings a smile to some. Sending love ❤️
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lovely
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Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!
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you to
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Happy Mother's Day, to all of the amazing mothers reading and/or posting on this thread!
I was diagnosed while pregnant in very, very bad shape as far as my BC is concerned and my son will be starting kindergarten in the fall (assuming they schools reopen). I am so happy to have made it this far and hope I am here as long as possible for my now 5 year old.
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