Starting chemo August 2014
Comments
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Oh No Jean!!! So sorry Hope your shingles gets under control fast. Take care.
Ladyb= Fun cruise ahead. Live it up
I have now thought about it a fair amount why this dx of cancer has not gotten to me. I was never depressed,upset,or moody. Cried only 1 to 2 times. Both were about leaving my BF and my son if I died. Stayed fairly upbeat entire time. Then I realized. My son being dx with aspergers was so much harder than this. I would do chemo over again and again if I could change the dx with my son. I cried a million tears already. This for some reason did not hit my core like that did. Thanks for letting me express on this topic. I was thinking something was wrong with me.
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Jean, No! Shingles. I am praying for a fast recovery so that your schedule is not impacted too much!
Eileen, wow! I agree with you 100% thanks for sharing.
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im just about to lose it over these stupid implants floating around in my chest. It hurts so bad. They aren't even flat. They just move around inside my chest and armpit in 3d. My breastbone is so sore from w the implants are in my armpit which is most of the time. It makes me nauseous each time I feel them move. This is ridiculous! And i can't get it fixed till Tuesday. So I'm wearing my bra trying to keep them as stable as possible. If I knew recon was going to go like this...I would just stay flat...sigh
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Jean, I'm so sorry that you have the shingles.
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Kellogg: I cried at last chemo appt. Oh wait I've cried at every appointment! I think Dr isakoff thinks I'm a nutcase! He always just looks at me and says "oh have I upset you? " however I did get a baby gift in the mail from him yesterday :burp clothes with Levi embroidered ..really thoughtful (especially since at last appointment when we brought baby and he spit up all over and being the great mom I am....No burp cloth had to snag disposable cloths from office
) I am sorry about not having more kids..it has been of the difficult things for me to think about as well. This stupid disease effects us for so much longer than the treatment lasts.Happy to read positive rad experience s....I am hoping that will be "easier" than this other crap
My taxol se seem to finally be gone....have some fuzz on head but eyebrows fell off completely:/ fingernail s and toenails stayed but look horrible/discolored. Cold symptoms finally gone too.
So happy for/proud of you ladies that are done or very close !!! Makes it seem within reach . I am beyond ready to go back to "normal". Like my husband says remember when our life was boring .....yea I miss that
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ladyb,
like you, I too am really struggling emotionally. I feel like a bad friend today. Was up all night, my arm not bad but uncomfortable. I was to meet friends for breakfast but cannot. Tired, do not have any ability to relax, be in public with my flatness and hair. Do not want to force myself to be happy. I do not feel like socializing or talking about BC. Even trying to participate in conversation exhausts me. One of them is lovely but fairly sparkles with energy. I have nothing to offer. It is not the first time I will not attend a gathering. Am introverted by nature and tend to withdraw.
So, now I feel even worse for not rising above it and being a good friend. I hope they understand, they always do. It has been rough, never worse emotionally.
I am sorry for all of us that have been through this
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Bippy, I would never have pictured you as an introvert. Your sense of humor and mostly positive attitude has helped me a lot. This journey is hard and we are all weak at times. It saps our energy and tries,to steal our joy. One of the things I am learning is that I am not in charge. Humbling for sure. Sounds like you have some good understanding friends. Hope you get good rest today. Your strength will come back. Just try to relax and soak in His strength and love today. Praying for you right now. Love, Jean
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My cuticle has cleared up after all my stressing but shingles has shown me once again that I am not in charge of this journey. I will get surgery when God deems that the time is right. Today I am grateful for (mostly) acceptance and peace. Love, Jean
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Catie57, congrats on finishing rads! I am so happy for you!!! I will keep your DH in my thoughts.
Angie, you eloquently express what I am feeling as well. It's hard for me to move forward in some ways when everyone around me (outside my immediate circle) is the same as always, when I am so dramatically changed, inside and out. I'm sorry for your loss.
Beatmon, you're doing great! My EF has never been that high - I'm a bit envious!
Enjoy your cruise.Bippy, you continue to crack me up.
Skimpy sun bathing...lol.Jean, shingles? No! That is just not fair. I'm so sorry.
Eileen, that makes sense. When I had a complicated pregnancy and DD and I were both in some danger, I was never scared for myself. Never. It was always about her. My DH was worried about me and I couldn't understand why, when our daughter's life was hanging in the balance. Mothers and children...
Speaking of kids - because of how my pregnancy went, I was told I shouldn't have more kids. I was 29 at the time. I always wanted 1 or 2 kids, but having the choice taken from me was very hard to get over, and it took a long time to come to terms with it. I feel lucky every day that I have my daughter.
NurseShark, that was nice of your dr to send a gift.
Bippy, I'm sure your friends will understand. Or maybe not, but that's only because they haven't gone through this. It's not like one treatment, ok we're cured! It's something that goes on and on and on, and it wears us down physically and mentally. I wish WE all lived closer. We could all go to breakfast with our fuzzy heads and flat, half flat, lopsided TE chests, and talk or not talk for hours (Best in Show, anyone?).
I'm sorry that we've all had to endure all of this too. I really am. Keep pushing through, keep connected here. I know it's going to get better for all of us. It will.
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Catie - congrats on finishing rads. I hope your husband is doing ok.
Eileen- thanks for sharing about you DD. I do feel very lucky to have my son!
Nurseshark- I thought of you when I was there the other day. There was a couple with a tiny baby girl. That's so sweet he sent you burp cloths. He was on call when was in the ER and admitted with pnuemonia. My DH actually ran into him in the hallway and he came to see me a few times. And called me several times after I was discharged just to make sure i was ok. He is so much nicer then the first oncologist I met with at a different hospital.
Bippy- I hope your friends understand. I have canceled plans with a few lately too. Sometimes I just don't feel like going out. I have who keep pushing me to come visit her, meet for lunch whatever.. The more she pushes the more I want to push her away. Which makes me feel horrible. But I know her and she's going to want to talk BC the entire time and I just don't.
Anyhow, I hope you all have a great weekend. It's cold here and expecting more SNOW! Oh my! So we are hanging out at home.
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We are heading out for another audition soon. DD has one more after this one, in a couple of weeks. Today and the next one are for future reference, to see if she can get in or not. She's already decided where she'd like to go this summer. It's been fun, and nerve-wracking! I've been sick all week and am glad to be feeling well enough to go along for the drive today.
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thanks everyone, I am a bit better but still cranky. I need to rant.
My friend called and she is always so positive. Sometimes I cannot believe it is genuine, but it is. She wants to tell me how to feel, that it is not good to be down. DUH! i am very tired of being told what to do. I certainly do not want to be scolded and told how to feel. She said they can take me for a drive. I said I am too tired to interact. She quipped that I could just sleep. Huh? Won' t that be fun for us all? Should I just have come right out with how I have no interest right now in her carefree, happy life? How her wealth and good health makes me jealous, as I have no job? I do not care what band was playing at what bar, or the painful minuteau of the food you ordered. I have been savaged in every way for 7 months, on the off chance it will cure me. Poked, invaded, fondled, hurt, poisoned, cut up, burned. My life and job was taken from me. Nothing will ever be the same. And it is not over. The invasions continue on. On and on.....people have no clue how BC makes us feel. It seems they want us to snap out of it and be good little girls. I do not want to inflict my negativity on friends, and right now it is all I have.
I know she is trying to be supportive but it makes me angry. I tried to explain it but she does not understand.
Thanks for letting me rant
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xoxo bippy!
I haven't been angry about diagnosis until just recently...scared yes anxious yes.....but surgery is making me angry. really ? I have to cut off my breast s ? Wtf? Oh and after they cut them off I can't carry my baby.for 6-8 weeks ..I can't hold him and dance around the living room to make him giggle..what kind of sick torture is this...surgery on Friday soaking up baby love now .
Relieved to have you ladies that understand these emotions...most of my friends comment how strong I am.....I don't feel it I feel like a crumbling mess
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oh nurseshark, it hurts me for you. Babies are so precious, and that skin to skin bonding. Nothing can take that up for you. I missed my chance for kids. Always pictured my uterus like a shiny bike, in the garage. Never used it, but it would always be there for me, you know? Well.....turns out I was physically unable by the time my glorious (stupidly shitty) career was achieved. Ha! Now it is in shambles. Turns out my biggest mistake. I will always regret it.
So I love babies, and I hate that you, Gatomal and so many others have this. You are blessed, and cursed, all at the same time.
I am having delayed recon, you? Bmx pain is not bad, except for drains and any lymph nodes. But you will not able to lift baby levi for awhile. How is that little monster?! Auntie bippy needs another pic with his wry expressions!
Sending hugs your way
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For you bippy: he's lucky to have aunties like you!
I'm having double mastectomy (nipple sparing) and immediate implants (gummies and alloderm)....i had lumpectomy and axillary nodes removed back In July....s
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Nurseshark= I am with you on your feelings. Remember we can't always have it the way we wanted. Life is unfair at times.Just love that baby. He is SO CUTE!!!!! I love him!!!!
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Bippy. Take a break from MS POSITIVE. Her happiness and carefree day-to-day is too much to take right now. Perhaps she really is positive and a great gal all around, but one thing she doesn't have is empathy for what you're going through. Maybe she's never been through hard times, maybe she can't confront the reality, maybe she doesn't know how to handle dark, bleak feelings. Whatever it is, right now it's not working FOR YOU. And YOU ARE ALL THAT MATTERS! Don't feel guilty, don't feel like a bad person or bad friend, our worldS have been turned upside down and our sense of self has been shattered in so many ways. In what our bodies look like, in what our days are like, in what we talk about, think about from day to day, even our sense of security in our own health has been taken from us. Some changes will be forever, some, like our sense of security, I think we will regain over time, but it is a big deal. Big hugs to you from the west coast
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LOL,
you made my week!!!! Thank you darlin. His expressions! Never disappoint. He is always saying F***cancer! My dead, cold heart has melted. Is it too late for us to adopt a child?!
You will be fine with your recon. Best wishes for quick recovery. Heard alot about gummis, should be good! Feather up your nest, get some chocolate and ice cream ready. Or whatever your guilty pleasure is.
Ladies, I am Rockin a gel ice pack on my rad side, having a cocktail and taking a mild sleeping aid. I am on no sleep, and ready to snooze. I keep having recurring dreams, all different and all involving my breasts. Or,should I say, my old breasts. They are never sexual, just weirdly mundane. But I really do not want to be having them. It is either that, or my next apparent favorite, wherein I am an exorcist casting out demons. Yeah, that radical Pentecostal upbringing may actually have been child abuse. Sighs. The casting dreams are very telling. I have clean, white energy shooting from my fingertips, and if I say the words just right, I can force the sneaky, hiding demons out from the innocent victim. The force of my power knocks me to my knees. The victim is always, always, a woman. And usually, I win.
Dayam! Enough therapy for tonight.
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good luck on Friday nurseshark. The surgery fear hit me last night too. Like I'm looking forward to getting chemo over with, but then there is the whole new insult on my body, I don't know what I'll look like, how much pain I'll be in, who is going to tend to the babies for 2-3 weeks, etc. it's like, this is my reward for finishing chemo?
Re the strength stuff, I hear you. What's the alternative? Straight jacket? I don't feel particularly strong, but I guess there is an alternative. Crying mess, won't get out of bed, can't care for our kids. So I guess we should pat ourselves on the back
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Oh ladies, I'm so sad that we continue to struggle.
I cried in the shower today at the sight of my scarred, aching body. I know it will get better - it WILL - but it sure is slow and painful in the meantime.0 -
This certainly can get discouraging. Staying positive all the time through up to a year of surgeries, chemo, rads etc. is just not possible in my humble opinion. Personally I have been blessed so far in not getting angry and resentful but I've had many bouts of terror, fear, anxiety and frustration. At present I'm fighting anxiety over timing for surgery and getting my Herceptin / perjeta vaccines due to shingles. I've only had a lumpectomy and admire the courage of you ladies who have had to deal with BMX and reconstruction issues. The grieving involved must be so overwhelming. Please give yourself permission to grieve. We all have lost a lot with this disease and coming to a place of acceptance will take a lot of time and work. I do believe we will all eventually get through to a new and better place. Love, Jean
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Hi. I am visiting from the January '15 chemo group and have a question.
Today is Day 5 of Round 2 of AC. I shaved my head last week when the hair that framed my face fell out in gobs. Not one more hair has fallen out. In fact the rest are growing! What the...! Did I make myself look like Uncle Fester for nothing?
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SweetHope, I hope not! I don't want you to lose your hair either though, so if you buzzed for nothing, and it does grow back through chemo, consider yourself lucky! I have almost as much coverage now as I did the day I buzzed my hair, around day 5 of my 2nd cycle. I'm 8 weeks PFC now. I haven't heard of anyone not losing their hair, though, unless they were cold capping. Good luck to you.
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sweethope=I shaved me head after about 2 weeks after first chemo. It was falling out. I felt the roots to be painful. I am now 9 weeks post chemo and my hair iabout 1/4" long. No, you did not make a mistake. I hated my hair all over the car,the chairs,and my bed. If you did not shave it the front would still be missing. I do not know of anyone who did not lose their hair. Some sooner than later. Good luck0 -
Thanks for the kind words. I still have not lost any more, and what is there is prickly and wakes me up at night. Word to the wise...do not shave closely...leave at least a quarter inch so you don't feel the stubble...it's uncomfortable.
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Pathology report today. No cancer present in lymph nodes and clear margins! Doing the happy dance!
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Great news! Congratulations!
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Yea, great news. Amy! I pray your surgery tomorrow goes just as well.
My surgery has been pushed back a week due to the shingles outbreak. Now scheduled for. Thursday February 19th. I hope they will allow me to get an infusion of herceptin / perjeta during this next week before surgery. Love, Jean
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Awesome news Amy, \o/. Happy dance and cheering for you! So will you do radiation or are you DONE? Hope you are DONE!
Sweet hope, I lost my hair very late with AC but did loose it. My MO was surprised how long it held on but she did say it will fall out. Cold capping is the only way of attempting to keep your hair. Gatomal who is part of this tread cold cap. Good luck to you.
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Ladyb: I AM DONE! No radiation for me!!
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