STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Lita- maybe the $30 in the account was due to an error further up the line on fees that they took out that they have now refunded. Or maybe it was interest on the IRA that wasn’t deposited before you closed it out for whatever reason. I’d just call and see if they can mail you a check.
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I had a lot of pages to catch up with here. It was a good read and it sure is good to know I am not alone with my fears and my thoughts. While I am working hard to move on from BC and not dwell in the past or the future, every day I think about BC. Only you all can understand the fear that will never fully leave us. Thanks for reassuring me that I am not an over reactive self absorbed wacko.
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I am so tired of not feeling good. I haven’t had any meds in nine days, due to progression and awaiting chemo start. But I’ve felt increasingly bad all week! My underarm hurts worse than ever... unrelenting. And up the side of my neck hurts too. Of course this is all in the cancer side so I’m thinking the shit is growing rapidly in one single week. I just want to feel normal again
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I did a really good job of “hiding" from people during treatment when I was out and about - i just didn't feel like having to have the “cancer conversation “ every time I went to buy milk! Now, like kmajor, my hair is full enough where I feel good going out without a hat. My hair was very long prior to chemo. I think I look pretty good actually! Brows and lashes back, skin looks good etc. However, people who before would have recognized me look right through me! They have no idea who I am. It doesn't make me angry, but kind of sad, which I know sounds pathetic.
But then I went to a school function at the high school and a few people who normally would have caught my eye and exchanged a few words avoided me. I guess I was hiding for nothing. It just felt rather lonely
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Swess- Sorry you are feeling so bad. Just wanting to feel normal again is a powerful statement. A lot of people don't appreciate that feeling 'normal' is like paradise.
VL 22- I was just telling my mom the other day that I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I feel like I look fine and some of my grand daughters like the short hair , but I don't look like me. I have had where they don't really recognize me and I had to go up and speak to them, they all said they just didn't recognize me with short hair and how different it made me look. Don't feel alone/lonely.....put on the red lipstick and get noticed!
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Sorry. It takes me awhile to process things. The previous discussion of people saying insensitive things to us made me remember something an office person at my neurologist's office said to me many years ago. I made an appointment to see the doctor (this was for MS, not cancer) and I showed up at the appointed time. I NEVER forget or am late for a doctor's appointment. I checked in at the front desk and the person there said, "oh, you don't have an appointment today You are not on the schedule." I knew that they had been having problems with a new person who made appointments. I had talked to that person when I made this appointment. I knew this was a mistake. I complained and stated my case that I KNEW I had this appointment and how much trouble it was to get here and so forth. The person at the desk said, "I understand exactly how you feel." I'm screaming in my head NO YOU DON'T. I say out loud, very calmly, "no you don't. Only people with my medical issues understand." She didn't get it, of course, and I just had to reschedule and come back. What made me finally tell this story was a quote I just read in an article about the junior hockey team tragedy in Canada. The president of the hockey club said, "It's not about understanding anything." Exactly.
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Hi everyone,
I'm here for the rant! I haven't stopped crying for a week and a half since an ultrasound, Ct scan and Mri all but confirmed that I have mets to my liver and spine and God knows where else. I am scheduled for a liver biopsy tomorrow. I went from a stage I to IV without even completing my initial treatment of 4 chemos, I have 2 to go. How do I continue? I was doing so well, I recovered from the double mastectomy well, I've managed chemo with no major side effects thanks to all the pre meds I was prescribed. I could almost see the finish line. Thinking about my 3 young adult children who will not see me grow old, grand children I will never meet, a wonderful husband who will be broken breaks my spirit and soul to its very core. I have no uumph to continue fighting, I am an emotional wreck and I don't know how to get passed this. This is not how I planned my life, my family's life. Although I am being encouraged and loved by family and friends I have never felt so lonely in my life.
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Janila~ I really get it. I went from stage two to stage four in one week. Do not pass go... do not collect $200. I also was to have the heavy red devil in four infusions. I did end up having, them because the spread was limited. Small tumor in liver. Immediately taken out. Along with left breast and all nodes with it. Stage four is rotten for sure. I am not going to sound sing songy and say they have all these treatments (which they do) or dis mis your rage and anger because you have to let it out. I had surgeries and did the heavy chemo and I have a few bone mets that are very small and surface like. Yours most likely are also. I am in remission and have been for the past year. It's sad and I cry. It's sad again and I yell. It's sad again and I rage and beat my pillow. But when I look up-at myself,insanely messed up hair sweated to my forehead, I see my reason for fighting. He has blue eyes, a. Deep magical voice, he is my best friend and my only love. My sweet DH, I love him, he's mine and I'm determined to keep loving him. Sending strength and understanding ~M~
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Janila, welcome to our group, but wish you didn't have to be here. I was dx'd st 4 right from the get go so I totally understand your anger and shock. I too will never meet my adult dd's kids, my g'children, and since I also have 20+ BRAIN mets, my time on this Earth is even more limited.
Rage and cry as much as you need to. We are here for you. Once they get a tx plan in place, things WILL get a little better.
BTW, i absolutely hate it when people say, "Oh, you'll find a new normal with time."
Bullshit! There's nothing normal at all about having st 4 bc! We all have to navigate thru this shit storm the best we can.
On a positive note, this week I celebrate my 2 yr "cancerversary," and I certainly didn't expect to still be here with 20+ brain mets. It hasn’t been fun, but I can still walk with a cane and talk in semi coherent sentences, and see, even with the dizziness and headaches, so I have hope.
Lita
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Micmel and Lita thank you for your words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed to hear to slowly get me out of the rut I'm in. You're both warriors in my eyes . I know I have to snap out of it in order to continue the fight but it's so darn hard. God bless you both and especially DH. Much love.
Janila
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Janila, I am not stage 4 but that is my worst fear. Take this time to grieve and feel the pain and then step up and fight. It may sound trite just now but they are making amazing progress with treatments and there is no reason to think you won't get to NED. Best of luck with the biopsy and please report back. You can do this, you have to do this.
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I have had lumps under my arm pit for many, many months. MO didn’t think nothing about them. Well now they are red, longated and getting bigger. Well today she thinks it could be the cancer. This so sucks. Have to go for an ultrasound and if it looks like cancer they will cut it our the same day. Just what I want, not!!! When I took my coat off when we got to the cancer center I realized my bag in the left had come undone and I was soaked with pee! Just want to say 4 letter words today!!!
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Things are bad. The only way forward seems to be give up on my younger son. He doesn't want me in his life. It feels horrible kind of went through a similar thing with my father. They just don't want to be around me.
My father is dead now but I wish there was something I could do to make my son happy. I am paying his college tuition and room and board. I know he is in crisis but he wants me gone.
I think jealousy was the problem with my father, I did really well with my career. I am retired now, so nothing for my son to be jealous of that I can think of. He has also turned sour on my mother. He still speaks briefly to my husband.
I think he feels shame but not for being mean to me. I feel like I'm dying inside.
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sorry to hear meow. Sometimes you have to let go and let god. My mom and members of her fam were making my severe anxiety and depression worse with thoughts and expectations of the fam they have. For my own mental health, i cut them all off except text form since jan 2014. This was 1.5 years before cancer. Bro is only one in the know of the cancer. I know mom was devastated when i cut her off except text. Dad understood because he gets my issues.
Then back in sept i had rev of my recon bmx. Found out on fb my fav uncle, moms bro, died at 55 from massive heart attack. Then my beloved guinea pig who was with me through cancer died a few days later from neglect at a place that boards animals and had good reviews. I was beyond devastated. I went through all txs for her otherwise i don't care how long i live.
I called bro who was up here with mom planning uncle's funeral with the fam. 4 days later there was a knock on the door. Saw it was my bro. Hes the only one who can see me since he's different from the fam. Open the door to see a cage in hand and a baby guinea pig in it. Bro comes in and tells me my other uncle set out to find a gp that was brown and white like my beloved mooshy was. Noone had one. Last minute before closing a place contacts him to say we got one. A 3 week old just weened from mom. One more thing bro says.. moms in the car. You don't have to see her but she wanted to come. She doesnt know about cancer stuff so bro and i put all the evidence in my bedroom and closed the door. I told bro one condition, no dr phil or dr oz type talk. Bro knew what to tell her. She comes up and we hug. We both were standoffish but she was happy to see me. Discussion was only about mooshy and uncles passing. They stayed couple hours.
She lives in seattle, bro in los angeles so they come here to visit fam about twice a year. Ill see her then as its bearable and 1 of my aunts who is kind.
And my parents paid for my university, dorm, car, etc. I went from moms house to marriage at 26 that lasted 2 years. So its not that i didn't appreciate what mom and dad have done for me, its not about that. I click ok with dad but not mom. So she's gotten used to how its ok to meet when shes in town but text only in between.
Will this change as time goes on? Im 53, shes 73. Dont know. We all have to do what is necessary for ourselves to mentally survive life that is not easy. This doesnt mean i dont care for my fam. But this limitation has become necessary for my mental survival. Ultimately when it gets down to it, we only have ourselves 24/7 365. Anyone else is gold but no matter how awesome they may be, it can always change. You however have control over your own happiness and need to work through the best you can to not be so down. Expecting nothing from others is liberating. You actually appreciate them more if you view life as on your own, which ultimately we all are. People come, go, die but you are still here. Take care of you first.
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I guess so, no choice. How sad I feel.
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Dianarose~💔🌷still praying it’s not cancer. You’re a beautiful strong woman. I don’t know how you do it. Travel, bake, help with DH!! You deserve this trip....
Meow~ I am speechless with sadness...I have been feeling some family issues myself, you would think cancer would make them wake up with fear. But it doesn’t seem to happen that way.
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Somethimes I almost blame the cancer for my family wanting to distance themselves. I am just sick about my son, the pain is pretty bad.
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and i feel bad mom's sad but i cant be responsible for her happiness. I have to be responsible for my own. We all need to be. I never completely cut her out and wont. Depending too much on others isnt good. Depend on yourself and whatever else is gravy. Ultimately my mom loves me enough to let me be and is taking what she gets from me. Ive been locked up before and thats the last thing they want to happen. They love me enough to let go of their expectations of how im not like so and so daughter or they weren't like me to their moms. Im an individual with flaws like we all have, not a cookie cut out of the cookie sheet. She chills with her friends in seattle as shes been retired for almost 2 years.
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families are different. If mine knew about my cancer stuff I'd be smothered which is not me. Best in my case noone knows. Let people be if thats what they need. It may change in the future but you can't fix people. I'd be nice if my fam wasnt the way they are and knew. The dream is theyd be loving supportive and let me be. But thats not them. Thats my bro. We've grieved over how the fam is and have become closer. So as much as it sucks for me too, it is what it is and i work through it. If i don't then im as good as done, and im not done with life yet.
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Well I can't help the way I feel. It happened very suddenly, one day he just stopped talking and caring. I am very sad and I honestly don't care very much about what you are saying. Rosabella this isnt you or your mom or your situation.
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meow- I’m so sorry. We’ve been through the same thing with our son who is about the same age. (I do wonder if it’s just a phase they go through). Things finally got somewhat better but he still has his days where we’re right back where we were with him shutting us out and wants nothing to do with us. It just hurts and there’s no relief for it. I finally had to say to myself and DH that we have a life to live and life is short. While I want to be a part of his life, he doesn’t want that and we need to respect his wishes and hope he wakes up one day, realizes what he’s done and comes back in the fold. To some extent I think doing just that actually helped him start to come back around. For so long our life revolved around him (School, sports, etc) so it was an adjustment for us. But on his side I think he thought he could treat us horribly and shut us out but still expected that we would be sitting here just waiting for him to come back into the fold and to be welcomed with open arms. And that we would continue to support him financially. It was a wakeup call for him when that was not the case. Especially when I got my diagnosis and he was upset that we wouldn’t see each other before I went in for BMX and I wouldn’t rearrange my surgery schedule to accommodate him. BC has not brought us closer. I think it’s time, maturing, figuring out what life is really like/about in the real world that does it. In the meantime we as parents, who love our children more than anything and hurt when they hurt, have to find a way to deal with the hurt our children inflict. I sincerely hope your son figures out whatever he’s struggling with soon and is able to take steps in a positive direction in his life and his relationship with you. ((Hugs))
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im trying to help you. It was sudden for my fam too. Noone is saying disregard your feelings. My taking the time to try and help you only to see you could care less, well then im done.
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Meow~I have a thread. And just yesterday I was letting out my gut wrenching feelings about my DD who is 22. All of a sudden she's just nasty to me and I am way to negative and I bring her down because I am never happy. Thanks for reminding me. As if I didnt already know that every single breath I take. She makes me feel bad for needing help, she makes me feel bad if she does the Littlest thing for me. She makes me feel bad for getting sick at all..She is getting married in September, so far she's wearing my dress, which is amazing, I found her shoes right away. Bought and paid for all linens associated, except her table, which she wants just a shade different, I am fine with that. I've bought all dinner wear (plates cups, dessert plates. Forks, spoons knives, beverage napkins) put down the $ deposit for the DJ.... and the deposit on the venue. I've had a special bouquet made for her, bought her wedding jewelry and purse. All bountanieers all bridal shower plates etc....forks etc... decorations. Centerpieces, table scatter. You name it. I feel the same sadness. I just don't understand why they can be so mean. Especially since they have been treated so well. One more thing of shit to add to the pile cancers left behind. I really feel your pain meow. I'm so sorry sweety.
Much love ~ M~
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Hi Meow,
Your situation is indeed sad. My son has cut his father off for the last 2 years. He also soured on that side of the family as well. His dad contacts me about it a lot and while I understand why my son has done it, as a parent I can’t help but feel my ex’s sorrow. My ex has brought most of it on himself unfortunately. I think after 2 years he’s finally getting it. Just recently they have started texting, and I’m happy to see that there are bridges being built. The one thing I’ve kept telling my ex is to not ever doubt that no matter how distant my son is with him, that at the end of the day he still loves him. Anger, resentment, disagreements or whatever the problem is, have such a devastating effect on families. Just don’t give up hope that bridge building can happen for you, or that your son does love you. His reasons for what he is doing to you doesn’t change the love he has for you as his mom. Try to hold that in your heart and remain hopeful that this could be fixable.I’m sincerely sorry for your pain.
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Micmel, thanks my son was suppose to graduate this year at college but last quarter half way through he withdrew from his life and failed all his classes. The previous quarter went poorly he called in tears before Thanksgiving. We picked him up everything seemed ok. At Christmas he told us he failed one class but it wasn't one he needed. He said next quarter will be different. He was happy talking then between Feb 14th and March 8th he stopped going to classes. He said anxiety and sleep distrubance. Well he found out he is out of the program. He is now in counseling. Today I took him to a doctors appointment and I knew something was wrong. Absolute silence. At lunch he just got up and left no word. So I walked all the way home. He was so mean to me I was physically ill.
I wanted him to take a break from college do something else then go back. Absolutely not he said so I paid the tuition. I thought I was helping him figure out what he needs to do to get his degree. He seemed to want and need my advice.
Doctor does not believe he is suicidal or anything close to that. His shutting me off is so hard to take. He used to care about things and the future but there is no joy or life in his eyes.
I believe he wants me to go away. The pain is so unbearable.
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thanks Egads, If I knew my son was going to be ok and happy I can deal with it.
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Sometimes you just have to step back and let them figure it out on their own or with professional help. Don't take it personally. That's not easy to do. Be there for them when they come around. It's hard, no denying that. It does hurt you to your very core. And yes, I've been there and done that. You may want to get some counseling for yourself if for no other reason but to get some guidance.
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Just talking with micmel and egads has helped. Others seem to make it worse.
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Meow, hope I am not one who is about to make it worse. But from reading the last few posts, it sounds like something is going on with your son, something within himself, that is beyond his control. When a person is steeped in anxiety and depression, they change. The way they stand changes, their posture changes. Their sleeping and eating changes. And how they relate to others also changes. And who gets it the worst? Moms.
I have a theory, and it's probably a stupid one, but it's one I repeated over and over to keep from placing my HORRIBLE teen daughter into foster care, because I was done with her, just done. Over and over I told myself that you don't kick your boat if you think you're going to sink it. While it is an abuse of power for our kids to mistreat us as they do, I think they do it because they know we can withstand it. Oh, they don't give a shit how we feel about it. That is not their concern. But they KNOW that they can crap on us and we are sturdy enough, dedicated enough, smart enough and loyal enough NOT to shut the door on their crabby, little faces. No. Instead we go away, lick our wounds, maybe put some distance between us, but show up and do what needs doing when they need us. And that's why they kick us. Because they know they can't punch a hole in the boat and make it sink. It is because we are good and strong and reliable parents that it is safe for our kids to act like shitheads. It is cold comfort, I know.
My perception is that you are hurt but also fearful for your son. He seems off track, struggling. I know when my daughter has a bad time in life her reaction to overwhelming situations is to lay the blame for ALL OF IT at my feet. I used to rise to the bait. I used to argue and try to defend myself and my actions. That's what made it effective for her. She played her part and me, all hurt and offended, played mine. So I quit. When she said, "I would have a better life if I had better parents!" I say, oh yeah. It's not a question. It's not a challenge. It's just flat and dull and holds no emphasis. "I'd be better off if I'd gotten pregnant when I was 14!" Oh yeah. "I'm going to quit my job and work as a prostitute!" Oh yeah. Our kids are often scared, confused and feel powerless but they have one super power, and that makes them feel powerful and bold and that is the power to make mom feel like shit. So they do it. Because they can be pitiful assholes. We love them. But they can still be assholes.
Meow, I hope your boy finds his way. He is struggling. You are a good mom. You did the right things. You care and that makes you vulnerable to being hurt. If you did not love your son he would have ZERO power to wound you. Hold the faith that this is a rough patch but he'll get through. Hold the faith that he will grow out of it and get a brain and realize what a turd he's being. You may need to distance yourself a little, and I am so sorry for the sickening pain this causes. I know it well. But you did your job and the next phase of becoming human, that's on him.
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oh.... my bad I thought we were talking about DD. Because ok it's amazing. I also have a son tooooo. A son that was mommy's little silly guy always making me smile and laugh, the same exact thing meow hapened to me with my son. He had his school all paid For. He said I hate it, I'm learning nothing. We said just get your associates and start from there into another program for bachelors degree. He went but he just didn't have what it took to do it. Plain and simple. We can lead them to water. But we can't make them choose the cool water drink instead of the trawl that has muck and bugs and days old oats in it for food choices. We can only do so much. Especially, if they aren't helping themselves. I gave him 30 days to get a full Time job...he got one. Wow Mom weeks are long. are things I am hearing now from him. I am wondering if they are the same age ? Seems to be the age of do or doom!! Hang in there darling. It does wax and wane. Like everything else does. Sending big hugs. I know it's hard. I cry everyday. For many reasons.... I just have to choose one, there at so many if we sit and look for them. But the kids they do cut like a knife. Oh yes they do. Much love ~M~ Waves to Runor, hi darling!!
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