STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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makes me thank God noone in my fam knows. Much rather deal with it on my own..
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KatyK, I am sorry that you have family members causing you pain. You are right, it’s hard enough to walk this cancer path without added grief. I have become very bold about setting boundaries even with family members since my cancer diagnosis. I am not trying to be mean but I have to protect myself from undue stress and drama. I can’t be around toxic people. I make myself unavailable to them...don’t take calls or answer texts. One of those is my daughter...no compassion, no empathy and everything is about her...even my cancer diagnosis. She only wants to talk to me so she can dump her drama in my lap. I am not having it. Thanks for letting me vent!
I have learned so much about myself since cancer assaulted me. It definitely reshuffled my priorities. I have focused on family and friends that have been here for me. Some have been on the sidelines but most have jumped in to be helpful and some have abandoned me. That’s okay...
Remember, just because they are family doesn’t mean they are going to come through for us.
Seek peace for your soul...turn down all the extraneous noise (toxic people) and let your body fight the good fight and heal.
Return here and vent anytime!
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thanks, Bella, very helpful reply. You are absolutely right to focus on the friends and family that provide emotional support and love. I try to do that and I do have good support from many people. But this one branch of the family seems to have very little empathy and it is so hard on me and odd. It’s like looking at something black and they are trying to tell me it’s white. I am pretty close to telling these family members that they cause me too much pain and to go get counseling help before we can interact again. I am angry they have put this on my plate - now I have to take energy and figure out how to navigate this too not just cancer. Thank you for your great reply - my husband told me to print it out and keep reading it
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your husband is on to something KatyK. I would put it on the fridge or somewhere you can see it a lot.
I feel like I've been lucky that my family doesn't post anything without my permission. I don't mind sharing the high level process and have posted myself because I want all the women I know to be more diligent but I think by my doing that it has helped curb other peoples appetite for sharing. It's not a secret anymore so the temptation to be the first to share or gossip is taken out of thier power.
Funny story though, my mom has no computer, no TV, a prepaid flip phone for emergencies away from her land line. When I was diagnosed I had to call all my siblings and in laws around the country and then tell them not to say anything until I reached my mom. Mom was on a trip around lake superior in her grandson's van looking at the fall colors and was unreachable to a week! In this day and age it is so wierd to consider being unreachable.
I too have reevaluated some priorities this past year, narrowed down the number of people in my circle to ones that really matter. The others are just considered outside fluff, I'm not mean or angry, I just don't initiate or engage with them and let them have any power over my emotions anymore. I've got other stuff to worry about.
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Saved, thanks Bella.
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well said
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I tried talking with my mom about it, no yelling, that she shouldn't have put it on Facebook. She kept asking me why I didn't want people to know I had cancer. She said that she only put my first name on it, not my last too, and only her 'friends' on Facebook would see it. I tried explaining the ripple effect of Facebook - Even though the post only went to her friends her friends could share the post and then all of the people they were friends would see it and if one of those people saw it and shared it then all of their fiends would see it and so on..... But it just wouldn't sink in.
She ran into the bedroom and started crying so I went in to try and explaining things again. She still kept asking me why I didn't want people to know I had cancer. I told her that I didn't care if she physically told family or friends, people she see's all the time, but I just didn't want the whole world knowing like people she's just 'friends' with on Facebook, the one's she's went to high school with and ones she hasn't seen for 20 years or more. That just didn't sink in either. I talked to her a little more about it and I don't know if she understood or not but she did calm down. She told me that she wouldn't post anything else about me having cancer but did seem upset about it.
She's just driving me crazy in general too. She's treating me like I'm 5 again, a little kid. She's the one who's been taking me to all my dr visits and asks questions, the type that you'd ask about your young child. After I had chemo the first time my blood levels were low, she was positive that it was because I'd gone to a concert the weekend before. The nurses explained to her that my levels were low because chemo kills the good blood plus the bad ones, which I'd told her already and she didn't believe me, and she was surprised I was right. I make the mistake of telling her that I was going to be going to a small concert in about a month and she asked if I would be ok doing that. They told her that if my levels were low that I should try staying away from sick people but going to the concert would be fine.
I had chemo for the second time on Monday she needed to go to the bank but she was almost scared to death to leave me there alone. I told her that I'd me fine and she asked the nurses if it would be ok for me to be there alone and they told her it was completely fine. She couldn't believe that there were so many people there alone while they were having chemo so I know I'm going to be lucky and have her sit there with me during every visit.
She'd read in one of the pamphlets I was given that I shouldn't be having caffeine so any time I've been going to her house she wouldn't let me drink any thing with caffeine in it. When the nurses asked me if I wanted anything to drink they told me that they had Pepsi, Sprite and what ever else. My mom quickly said that I'd only be able to have something without caffeine in it. The nurses told me that I'm fine having caffeine as long as it wasn't anything like Red Bull or the other types of drinks that are more or less just to make you stay awake. When my mom asked if it was ok to have iced tea they just gave her an odd look and said that was completely fine. My mom couldn't believe it!
If my hair hadn't fallen out already I know I'd be pulling it out!!!!!
Thanks everyone!
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Groo - that - too - would make me crazy mad!! Sometimes people are so focused on just their feelings - that they can't see how it's hurting others.
I would put my foot thru a wall - if someone posted my cancer info on Facebook.
My MIL - tried to guilt me into the whole I need to tell everybody sort of thing. And, so did my DH.
I said - No way. And, "when/if you get cancer - then we'll talk, because, you clearly have no f$cking clue how this feels"...
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Groo, I was thinking about your situation with your mom when I was awake in the middle of the night. (I think best then.) Are you a mom? I am. If my son was diagnosed with cancer, I might do some crazy things. I would rather I have cancer than my son have it. I remember my mom when my sister was in the fight. My mom was very level headed but she had some crazy reactions during that time. Now, the Facebook posting has to stop but I might cut her some slack on the overly-protective reaction. No one is suffering more than you in this thing but if someone else is suffering too, it's your mom. Please don't take this as lack of support. I hope that being in a better place with your mom will help you, too. At least decrease some stress.
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I was having visions of Shirley McLaine in Terms of Endearment - yelling at the staff to give her adult daughter some pain meds.
That always makes me smile because as a mom I would do the same thing for my kids. maybe it's good she goes with you Groo just so she can hear what the nurses/ doctors say too. That way she isn't basing her knowledge on pamphlets and the internet. 0 -
Groo, I second what Jaycee said. Moms, they are maddening, but at least it sounds like yours is showing up. I am a mother and I would be frantic, which is why I have cut my own mom some slack over the questionable way she has reacted to me having cancer. But the Facebook thing ... I totally get that and would not want my private life broadcast in such a public way. Your mom is terrified. Terrified people don't think straight sometimes.
Rant time.
I am on a Facebook group. Someone posts that their partner has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer that has spread everywhere and the doctors have said to line up hospice care. Someone else posts, "If the doctors can't cure this, contact me because I know how you can get rid of this cancer." When I read shit like that I know in that moment that I am capable of murder.
You have got to be one stunned, drooling, dirt eating, backwater, ignorant moron to think that YOU KNOW SOMETHING the rest of the world doesn't. The massive medical establishment knows nothing and you, in your garden, planting kale and pot have discovered The Cure For Terminal Cancer. And to trot out this grand and eloquent cure in the face of someone's truly devastating news ..... are you stoned ?!?! If not, you ought to be, in the biblical sense, with rocks hurled from angered hands!
I ask myself, why did this make me so mad? I think when someone casually belches out that they have a cure, it says you are stupid. You have cancer because you are stupid. If you knew how to live right, eat right, stay out of the sun right, and rub the right mixture of herbs and spices on your belly, this would never have happened to you. It puts forth a smug and evil position that someone might just have Christ like powers and they might just lay their hand upon you and heal you, unlike those useless doctors who don't know dick. Come on over to my house with the sagging porch and screen door off its hinges and I'll hocus pocus that cancer right the hell out of you.
It is the cruelest thing to do to someone. It is false hope at the worst time.
I am NOT saying that there might not be a magic bullet out there. I am NOT saying that alternative practices don't have value. But I AM saying that I DO NOT BELIEVE there is a secret cure for cancer known only to Facebook lunatics. There is also a difference between an offer humbly made and the prideful boast that you have cured many cases of terminal cancer. Last guy who claimed that was crucified. Be careful what you say!
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runor, I hope people are all over that person on Facebook. Not good at all. I went to a Facebook cancer group once. This may offend some but since that is my specialty, I will proceed. There were posts in the cancer group about pets with cancer mixed in with the posts about people with cancer. For some reason, that rubbed me the wrong way. I have a dog that I love dearly. I would be devastated if he had cancer but maybe there should be a separate group for pets with cancer. I just never went back to any Facebook cancer groups.
That person you encountered with the cure is the worst of the worst. Grrr.
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Runor, I feel the same way as you...I've had to "unfriend" people on FB who have posted these "ridjculous" alternative therapies.
If they worked, wouldn't we all be taking them? Wouldn't the entire oncology community know about them and have tested them (double-blind) already? The stupidity makes me want to drive off a cliff.
I don't think my late mom would have posted anything on FB. She was a VERY private person, and I MISS HER every day. She died from a rare form of soft tissue carcinoma when I was still in high school, more than forty years ago. Oh, yes, we had our differences, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. She was the strongest, bravest woman I've ever known. The pain and suffering I'm going thru now are a cakewalk compared to what she had to deal with in the early-to-mid 70's, when they didn't have half the stuff they do now to keep you going. No carefully mapped out, targeted radiation...just blast the hell out of you, and then it was broad-spectrum chemo, with absolutely no pre-medicating with steroids, antihistamines, and acid blockers, and then they just sent you home to dry heave for hours on end until you finally started puking your guts out for more hours on end.
I remember those days all too well, because as a young teenager, I had to take care of her.
L
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I don't believe I have ever posted on this thread as I have been lucky with my tx, docs and family, but the FB comments got me thinking. Let me say, that I am very open about my dx. I figured that if people knew they could come to me directly and ask me about my health, then I could minimize idle speculation and gossip. this has worked well for me, and I have even been able to provide support for a few newly dx'ed women, so I feel like I'm doing some good, in a bad situation.
However, a few (very few) on FB are just dead set on pushing their own agenda. I had one "friend" who said she was glad that she had no medical insurance since she was sure that this was why she was healthy. Say what? Yes, she believed that if you go to a doctor, they will find illnesses (which she implied don't really exist) and then treat you to make money. I tried to help her understand the reality of stage IV bc, to no avail, so I had to hit the unfriend button. Another woman, the mother of a FB friend, commented on how I needed to strengthen my immune system, decrease inflammation etc. and then I would be cured. She said that cancer is easily curable, but, you guessed it, BIG PHARMA and the medical profession! Oy vey!
I'm not really angry at these folks, but I just don't need them in my life in any capacity, even FB. As for the big pharma conspiracy, I do question the obscene amounts of money we pay for drugs and the equally obscene profits that put shareholders above patients, but... I do believe they are working toward better tx and a cure, even if it's far slower in coming than we want. After all, I imagine their loved ones and themselves get cancer too. No, I'm not angry just saddened sometimes by the fact that some folks, who know little about bc, feel compelled to give unsolicited advice.
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Got a great meditation from my counselor today that I think will help me deal with family members that have not been supportive. Maybe it will help others as well. Say this morning, afternoon and night every day for 21 days. Longer if needed! While doing this meditation imagine the person you want to forgive on a stage of some type and bathed in a light of goodwill. The releasing and letting go are not intended to be literal. But sometimes there are people we actually have to let go in our lives. Here’s themeditation
I forgive you for not being what I need. I release you, I let you go. I only see good in front of you. You are free and I am free. I only see good in front of you. I only see good in front of me. I release you, I let you go.
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KatyK - great meditation advice...
Exbrnxgrl - Interesting. I've thought about posting my situation on FB. But, just not strong enough of a person to do it. I'm too sensitive and easily upset by things people say...
And, part of me, just wants to go somewhere (even if it's just on FB) where cancer - isn't something that's part of me.
I feel this extreme urge/need - to be free of it. Even though - I know I will never be free of it. I will always live and feel - like - something is stalking me. So, to I guess *pretend* (for lack of a better word) that I never had cancer - makes me feel free and normal. Even if it's not reality. If that makes any sense...
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I have intentionally not posted anything of FB about my cancer. For over 3 years now. My friends and family who know I had it,get it. The others don't need to know. I felt the same way when I had my brain tumour in 2009. Never told a soul on FB and still haven't. It's pretty peaceful on my FB. :-). Love to all0
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Well I got my own dose of cruelty tonight when my sister exclaimed she doesn't have the breast cancer gene so she won't get it! Or was that stupidity talking? Anyways it pissed me off that she was so insensitive and I educated her a little. Needless to say I think she's still out there wuth her head in the sand. : ).
I never have done FB. But runor you always speak for me too.
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KatyK, forgive me but no. Can't do it. Can't paint it all with a pretty brush and let it go. Nope. I did read your meditation, which brought to mind those people who tell me to add lemon juice to my coffee to acidify my body because cancer can't live in the presence of acid (have you MET me?). Or people who cut out wheat (are you nuts? Where do you put your butter if you don't have toast?!) Or I should give up alcohol and chocolate - and then go berserk in a mall and push over a soup can display, yeah, no good can come of that. I read your meditation,' I release you, I let you go', and I pictured all those good advice people strapped into a great, huge sling shot, duc tape over their mouths as I pull the trigger. BOING!!! I release you, I let you go, through the air into the next county. Buh bye, buh bye now. Take your good advice and fly away.
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I find going to Barbados helps me, so very far away.
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Hahaha you two! Meow, do you need someone to travel with? I let my sister go! BOING! I forgive her OMG
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I wanna go to Barbados! I think that would help me immensely.
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I go to Mexico to escape it all! 8 days of all the cold frosty fruity drinks and delicious food i could want, and laying on a beach being waited on hand and foot by attractive men who even adjust my umbrella as the sun’s path changes throughout the day....
I have a credit on a trip we had already paid for before the BC turned our lives upside down last year that I have to use by end of July. I’m so hoping I can use it, but DH’s schedule doesn’t look promising and I honestly don’t think it will happen. 🙁 If any of you ladies wish to escape it all and can go before end of July, Iet me know and we can work something out.
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Barbados + drinks lets everything go, including tops & bottoms!
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ok, Runor, thanks for that image! Definitely put a smile on my face! Not easy and not sure I can do it. The reason to forgive is for you, so you don’t have the burden of negative emotions and hurt . Forgiveness does not mean what they do is ok. The truest sense of the word is letting go of the hurt and anger for YOUR benefit and mental health. I can do this with people I no longer see but this meditation is for a sibling that lives near me and has really hurt me with her lack of empathy and compassion. I honestly don’t know if I can keep her in my life because of the emotional pain she causes me and she just doesn’t get it! The releasing and letting go are metaphorical but it may have to become literal for me to take care of myself.
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Oh yes it helps. Swimming in the warm turquoise ocean with the sun shining turtles come by to check you out. Love it.
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Just a minor rant but reoccurring. I was out picking blueberries (yumm) at a farm yesterday and the lady across from was complaining about her arthritis. I said that doctors would make as much money from discovering the cure for arthritis as they would from finding the cure for cancer (ha, ha). She then said that they already have the cure for cancer. Drs just want to suck the money out of us by keeping us sick and treating us.She has 10 homeschooled kids. The ignorance keeps getting passed down.
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Grace, ah yes...the cancer conspiracy. They’re keeping the secret cure tightly lidded, so tight that my father’s MO wouldn’t even clandestinely treat his own mother...and let her die instead. I guess he got back on track after his leave of absence and did the same for my dad. *eyeballs rolled*. I don’t know what steams me more, the conspiracy theories or the snake oil salesmen.
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