STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
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I've got a pretty good resting bitch face myself. I always have had one, if I'm not smiling I look really pissed off. It was a PIA when I worked retail and people would tell me to smile constantly and I was not allowed to punch them in the face. It was against company policy. It is tough being told over and over to smile if I forgot to plaster one on. I was not miserable at my retail jobs either so was not looking sullen or anything. Just don't have a cheerful looking face when it is neutral. God help the person who tells me to smile nowadays, especially with my cancer dx. It's been a long time since that happened but you never know. My explosive filter is not always the best anymore since I am not required to be patient with customers of any sort.
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My face always seemed a little sad if I was not smiling. People used to ask me, does something bad happen to you? Now, after the dx, the chemo and the surgery, I have a melted candle face ☹
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I often enjoy having a resting bitch face when I’m thinking or concentrating. It often keeps people away and I can focus. I worked at the local high school in the career center and students would often make a wide arc around my desk (mine was in front) and go to the counselor. By the time they were seniors they came to me and the military reps (I’m a former Marine) always came to me first. I miss working with the kids but glad to be out of the workplace drama. I have enough at home
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Mara51506, Jaycee, and Wanderingneedle, I almost got fired from a public service job over my RBF. Yes, I wanted to punch also. But the RBF is a little different than the FBC (flatten bratty children). If you ever wasted time watching America's Top Model (guilty! probably why I got cancer 😁), you'd have heard that stupid "smize," smile-with-your-eyes. FBC has "frize," fry-them-with-your-eyes. Think Bela Lugosi's Dracula stare added to RBF. Use it wisely!
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I love the FBC frize fry them with your eyes. That is funny Alice!
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Thinking of you, Lita. Hoping you’re doing ok
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I ran into something today that took all my self-restraint to not get REALLY, um, direct. I was on a forum for kidney cancer, and somebody with a screen name like BubbaMamie (husband and wife's names as one) wrote a post saying WE had surgery, WE were undergoing a particular treatment, WE were feeling so-and-so, WE will see Dr. X tomorrow. I know this has been discussed before, but DAMN. I had to click to get into their info because I had NO idea which of them was the patient. I really wanted to ask if they were a rare conjoined male/female.
One more time for those in the cheap seats: If you weren't personally diagnosed, and didn't have surgery/chemo/radiation/other treatments, just lay off the effing WE crap. It's offensive to everyone who DID go through those things, and it makes you and your partner look like co-dependent idiots.
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Um. Good thing you didn't post that. maybe they wanted to post it that way. Yes it's the pt but maybe the couple sees this as going through it together. Unless the pt complains about it, I don't see the problem. Some couples are conjoined so to speak.
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AliceBastable, agreed. I find it annoying when hetero couples say WE are having a baby, It's more annoying and offensive when the couple uses that language about one of their diseases/surgeries/etc. I love my husband for a bazillion reasons, he is the best thing that ever happened to me but I don't have his thyroid issues and he does not have my two cancers.
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While I can understand the annoyance with the posting of WE, I agree with Rosabella on this one.
The people who support and love you do go through it with you. Not the same physical things but the emotional part. You never want to see someone suffering that you care about. It takes a toll through the sheer stress of the disease and same fear of death. The sadness and empathy also can be physically debilitating.
I was the patient with my own cancer but had to watch my mother decline over the space of a year. Before the cancer was dx, she was told it was age related, then she got pneumonia and the found cancer as well. We both went through things, myself taking care her She had both physical and emotional, mine was physical from the stress and sadness of watching a proud person lose her mobility, independence and ultimately her life. She also never stopped worrying for me either. She would ask repeatedly if I was all right in her sleep as I also have cancer. I was glad in a way that her passing set her free from suffering the cancer and worrying about me.
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Well, my mother has vascular dementia and "we" are certainly having a bad time with her illness, but I don't say: "today we had diarrhea and we made a mess in our bed". My father loves her with all his heart, but he said: "she made a mess, I cleaned up.
Would it be different if my mother had cancer?
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While I’m not wild about the use of “we” with respect to a very supportive partner, I do understand that this is important for some couples. It wouldn’t work fo me, but I can see that it really matters to some
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I guess they don't talk like this at their medical appointments...
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My DH asked me recently when “our” Oncologist appointment was. I corrected him as it was MY appointment that he was attending with me. I correct him when he says “she” and I am standing next to him. I prefer to be referred to by my name in that situation. I feel that is proper and respectful. I spoke to doctors frequently when my mother was dying and never once referred to her situation as “ours”. Family can (and should) show support in other ways.
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Bottom line, respect others whether you agree with the term or not. They are both dealing with a dreadful disease really. You don't know them. Maybe the english is bad. I know my parents sometimes throw in the wrong term. So what. I don't bother to correct them as they are approaching their elderly years. I can't imagine the hurt if OP had posted if they are conjoined. Wow. And on a cancer board! Have compassion. Everyone needs to deal with this dreadful disease in their own way. Everyone is different. Chill.
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I knew someone like that. I told her to get her own email address if she wanted to email with me. She did.
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Maybe I am missing something, but isn’t it an individual/mutual choice of couples to refer to themselves as “we” if they choose? We have had few very concerned partners post on bco, using the pronoun we, and for them, it seems not only comfortable but helps deal with the disease from a unified, team perspective.
This wouldn’t work for me, personally, but if they’re comfortable with it, why knock it
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Yes, of course. We all deserve respect. And we are all different and we all have our own terrible personal misfortunes. And we do not know each other. Each of us is bothered by something different. And this thread is about venting what bothers us. It is not about being judged because of what bothers us.If I'm wrong, correct me. But feelings comes out as it comes out. I'm sorry if I hurt someone's feeling. All of us already have enough on our plate to be hurting each other. And I apologyze too about my bad english, google translator makes the work for me and sometimes it is not good enough
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yndorian,
¡No té preocupes! Yes, I know that this is a place to vent but I guess I’m just thinking about a man (very, sincere, committed and loving) who has been posting recently using plural pronouns. He is clearly distraught over his wife’s circumstances but it seems as if they find the plural pronouns to be a way to express unity and strength. Not my way, but it’s not such an odious thing for people who find it comforting.
I often think of a post about the “proper” way to behavior prior to a bmx. This was sparked by a video clip of a San Francisco doctor dancing in the OR prior to her surgery. Some folks were outraged and condemned her, going so far as saying she had mental problems! Well, I guess I do too as I spent my pre-op time laughing and joking with my family, plastic surgeon and nurses. I was told that “proper” behavior should have included, quiet weeping, appropriate levels of sadness etc., but no smiling or laughing! I understand that this is how the member felt and others may as well, but not me (I had lots of time to cry and understand the gravity of the situation beforehand). Humor helps me relax and that was what I needed.
PS: Soy de el Bronx. Hay muchas personas allá que hablan Español y en California también, dónde vivo ahora.
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Exbrnxgrl: Our posts have been crossed! I did not say it to you, not at all! HUGS
De verdad aprecio mucho tus palabras, amiga
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Just think if someone or the loved one is reading this. You are in a way attacking them here on this board. This is a cancer board. So what if some people are posting like this. Seriously, if the pt likes it that's their biz, and none of yours. You don't like it for you fine, but don't put down what feels right to others! Don't whine about what other cancer pts do or don't do. Whine about people things that actually affect your own life.
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Mara: I'm sorry about what you've been through with your mother. I'm sure it was very hard in all aspects. I am in a similar situation although my path just starts. My posting was not an answer to yours, sometimes the posts cross. Hugs
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This is what sort of drew me to this topic. Everyone needs a steam room for anger. A place to finally tone down the "right" thing to feel, the "right" thing to say, the proper way to react, and all the BS relationship crap. Let all out, take a deep breath and with any luck (and maybe a few drinks) we can gain a better perspective on whatever it is that is pissing us off!
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Like I said, I think everyone will choose what works best for them. Everyone has the right to post their experience the same as we can agree or disagree on different things.
To be clear, she never said we about my stuff nor did I say we about her lung cancer. I did not lose my mobility or life. Yet. Having said that we need to have more awareness and compassion for caregivers too. Their bodies also go through great amounts of stress watching us suffer and the we is their way of supporting us but also to show empathy. People can tell their caregiver if they don't like it.
I compare it to think positive. I personally hate that expression but some find it motivating. That's what I think of this we debate. Some have a dislike which is OK, some don't mind.
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I also agree about the purpose of this thread. Let out stuff without fear of reprisal and not to hurt people in our lives with it. Helps manage our stress better.
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I’m not angry in the least over the pronoun issue. It’s clearly not for everyone, myself included, but I do acknowledge the possibility that those who use it feel united and strong as they go through this together. I suspect that folks who say we and our have usually faced adversity as a team and view fighting bc the same way. That’s all
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I'm perfectly fine if a spouse says that "We are seeing the oncologist" or "We are getting ready for surgery".
I am not fine when a spouse says "We are having surgery" (or chemo or any treatment) because the spouse is not having their body cut into and will not be dealing with the pain and physical and emotional side effects. The spouse will have their own experiences as a care-taker, and that is important and relevant, but they are not the same. I can tell you that I certainly have no idea what was going through my DH's mind and what his worries were when I was surgery. I was having my experiences and he was having his. We were going through it together, but we each had our own roles and experiences.
I am also not fine when a spouse says "We are trying to decide on whether or not to have chemo" (or any decision about the treatment). This type of statement concerns me because I believe that it is ALWAYS the patient who gets to decide. The patient will hopefully rely heavily on expert input from doctors and may also put a lot of weight on personal input from family members, but decisions on surgery and chemo should not be a 50/50 thing between the spouses - if it is, the patient risks not being able to do what she really wants because of pressure from the spouse or because she feels the need to placate or agree with the spouse. It's "our" decision, after all.
I think it's wonderful to have a supportive spouse who is truly a partner as one goes through all the crap related to a cancer diagnosis. I am not putting down spouses (or other family members) or suggesting that they shouldn't be fully involved. But I believe that patients must have their own voices and both partners should understand this and encourage it. The patient comes first. The patient is the decider. When either a patient or a spouse use the term "we" for everything related to the diagnosis and treatment, by definition the patient is only 50% of the pair. I think that subjugates the patient and minimizes the patient's experience. It in effect says that the physical and emotional experience of the spouse or family member is the same as the experience of the patient. It's not. A cancer diagnosis and cancer treatment is personal and intimidate. Some of the emotional aspects of the experience might actually be more difficult for the partner, but the physical experiences are borne by the patient alone. "We" are not having a mastectomy. "We" are not losing our hair from chemo. "We" are not experiencing life altering QOL side effects from endocrine therapy.
That's my vent. If any spouses or family members or patients are reading who use "we" and "our" throughout the entire cancer experience, I won't apologize for posting this in a thread set up for venting. While I don't expect anyone who uses the "we" to change how they talk/post, maybe they will gain some appreciation for why this bothers me and so many others here.
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beesie, well said!
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My DH and I have cancer. His is prostate, mine Bc. So yes, “we” have cancer.
This frys me in the same way a male says “we” are pregnant. Unless there’s been a medical miracle, no, mister, “we” aren’t pregnant. Your wife or SO is.
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Wrenn: yes, it's totally ironic.
Beesie: I agree with you.
Spookiesmom: you made me laugh. I'm sorry because it's a serious issue, but you have the right to tell "we".Beyond the topic we are discussing, it seems to me that we should all be able to express ourselves in this thread without being told "you should not say this". You can tell me you feel/think differently, it is ok, but do not censor me precisely in this thread. Each one of us simply complains about what bothers us. It should not be taken as something personal, it is written in the rules of the thread.
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