STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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ShetlandPony, my heart goes out to you. I, too, hope this turns out to be a false alarm
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Yndorian1: Thanks for the Spanish refresher. It is nice to know that even though my ability to converse has decreased to nil over the years that I am still able to read and understand it. Muchas gracias.
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Yndorian, no need to apologize. Like I said, with Google translate, it's easy to convert one language to another. I admire people who know more than one language. I wish I did.
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I need to vent about my husband. We recently had our pool remodeled. It needed to be replastered, but beyond that it was really tacky and looked like something out of trailer park, and so I took this opportunity to have it nicely remodeled so that our backyard would be a nice place to spend time. Travertine pavers, water feature, BBQ island, the whole nine yards. I used one of the more expensive contractors because they had good reviews, and frankly I think they were worth the extra $ because I didn't have to micromanage the contractor; we made a plan at the beginning, and they stuck to it, and they didn't leave a bunch of collateral damage - everything was put back the way it started, which is a huge pet peeve of mine whenever I hire someone work around the house. It wasn't cheap, but I paid for it out of my own funds, we have never combined accounts because we've always wanted to be able to spend our own money without having to worry that the other was planning to do something else with that money.
My husband made some comment about not wanting another $5k project to turn into a $30k project. I was like "wtf"? I didn't get upset at that, though it was obviously an attack on my decision to remodel the pool instead of just replastering it. I asked him why he was upset about it and he said "never mind, I guess we'll just work longer." Again, wtf? "Well now that you've spent all that money, we'll have to retire later".
OH MY FUCKING GOD I was ready to jump down his throat. We are on track to retire in 11 years or less, when I'm 53 and he's 45. Forty-fucking-five! And it's all no thanks to him! Last I checked, I've saved at least SIX TIMES as much as he has towards our retirement. And the only reason he's saved as much as he has is because I paid for EVERYTHING - and I mean literally EVERYTHING - while he was screwing around in grad school for SIX freaking YEARS, and paid cash for our house so we don't have any debt. I worked an extremely stressful job while he complained about grad school being so stressful, though he admits that he spent most of his time in the lab actually playing video games and not working towards his thesis. In fact, if he can have as much money saved when he is my age as I have now, THAT IS ALL WE WOULD HAVE TO DO TO RETIRE. It would be enough!
Secondly, I MAY NOT EVEN MAKE IT TO RETIREMENT!!! I have high risk of recurrence and frankly I'll be amazed if I'm still cancer free by the time I'm 53. So forgive me if I'd rather enjoy some of my hard earned cash how instead of saving it so he and whatever bimbo he marries after I'm dead can be deadbeats.
Third, even if we have the money to retire, and if I'm still alive when we get there, unless something changes in the health insurance landscape, I'm not retiring anyway!
Fourth, he bought a new car recently that he LITERALLY COULD NOT AFFORD! Yeah, he had to ask me for money to help him buy his new car, which he didn't even need since his old one still worked, but since I got a new car he decided he wanted one too. I, on the other hand, replaced a car that had literally died on the highway with a car that 1) I could pay for myself and 2) was about 40% less expensive that what he bought. And I get about 3x the gas mileage. I have no idea what he has been doing with is money, or if he actually has the money invested somewhere and was too much of a tightwad to spend it when he could just ask me for money. And BTW, this car of his cost a LOT more than our goddamn pool (which was not $30k btw, but he wouldn't know since he didn't pay for it)!
And finally, he does none of the retirement planning! I do all of it, and with incomplete information since he won't give me access to his accounts and every time I ask him what his balances are his answer is his standard dumb-faced "I don't know". Like, he can't even give me a ballpark figure! So where the fuck does he get the idea that I'm fucking up our retirement plan? Certainly not from any of the projections he's doing, because he's not doing any. But I am, and I assure you we can spare the money for the pool without disrupting our financial plan, which is why I was ok with spending it, just like we could spare the money for his freaking car. But I almost feel like this is beside the point.
How freaking entitled can he be??? Retirement wouldn't even be on his radar if it weren't for me. He would be saddled with a mortgage and car loan at the very least, and probably student loans on top of that. Did I mention that I got him all three of the jobs he's ever had? And that my mom gifts us more money every year than I spent on the goddamn pool? And that I spent most of my 20s living on a shoestring budget and most of my 30s stressed to the max at work to build our financial security? I'm sorry if this just sounds like a bunch of white people problems, or if it seems like I'm being an asshole for playing the I make more money card on my husband. I have never held that over his head, ever, not once in our relationship. But for him to complain to me that he's going to have to work until he's 45.3 instead of retiring when he's 45 because I had the gall to spend some of my own money when he obviously has no problem spending it is just more than I can handle. He needs to worry more about what HE is doing to get him to retirement, not what I'm doing; I think I've already done enough. God help him if he EVER asks me to help him pay for anything again.
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I'm pissed on your behalf. That STINKS.
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Hapa: I think I would be so angry that I would not let him get close to my damn pool!
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hapa - that type of comment would earn a night on the couch for hubby.
I understand the logic of keeping separate accounts, but don’t understand that there is no transparency about how much your hubby has saved up or balance in his checking account or any investments he may have. That would make me a bit nervous
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Agree w/ RosieRed. My husband and I have separate accounts, always have and always will. But we have FULL visibility to each other's accounts because at the end of the day, it is our money. We just keep the banking and bookkeeping separate.
Seriously steamed on your behalf, hapa.
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Perhaps he needs to enjoy the new pool. With a drink. Or six. And slip. Oh, how unfortunate. I hope you know where the life insurance policy is.
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Thank you to everyone who has offered support. And for your arsenal, Alice. My oncologist appears to think ILC being sneaky and going to weird places is likelier than a new cancer. Either one would be awful. When ILC starts marching down your digestive tract it is NOT GOOD. May get answers in around ten days; waiting for another endoscopy with biopsy. Carry on with rants, ladies.
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I agree with RosieRed's comments about transparency and Yndorian's about letting him in the pool. Our personal philosophy for purchases has always been that if we can't afford it, we don't buy it. Perhaps you need to stop funding his purchases?
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ShetlandPony will be keeping you in my thoughts during this wait.
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You know, I'm not mad about paying for his car, never had a problem with it, it's a much nicer car than his old one and we could afford it. I'm mad that he's okay with spending my money but not with me spending my money. I don't even know why he would start an argument with me about money because we make plenty, we have plenty, and I have a long track record of generating income for us, saving, investing, and being responsible about spending while he does not, who is he to be questioning my financial judgement?
Shetland - You've been in my thoughts these last few days. Sorry about your recent troubles. I hope you get answers and a plan soon.
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Shetlandpony: I can imagine how difficult it is to wait for those results. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Hugs
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Shetland, in my ts and ps. ❤🙏🏻
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Shetland - keeping you in my prayers. Keep us posted.
hapa - I would be ticked too. No offense but he sounds very immature. Since you guys have separate accounts then paying for something should be the same. Shouldn’t have it both ways.
That’s great you are financially responsible. One of you needs to be. If it were me he either shared what he has on his end or I cut him off. Why is he avoiding telling you what his balance is. Maybe he’s embarrassed?
My husband is very smart but lacks street sense. I do all the financial stuff for the most part. I have tried unsuccessfully multiple times to educate him on our accounts. He shows little or no interest. I worry if I go first he’ll be lost financially for sure. He’s still working but I took early retirement from FedEx. We aren’t as financially secure as you are because of child support and serious medical issues over the years but we are in good shape now thankfully. My husband doesn’t want to retire anytime soon and he’s a lot older than your husband is. He loves his job. He’s a civil engineer.
Time to put your foot down.
Diane
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I was the contract mgr for a construction co b4 I got st 4 cancer.
Between material costs, labor rates, insurance, etc., getting anything done at your house ain't cheap.
We paid 10,500 just to get the FRONT of the house repainted. We're getting a really cool front door (can't put the tacky old one back....it's 50 years old). The new solid fir door with little windows is 3,500 (believe me...it's gorgeous and totally worth it). I will be gone soon, and I want my house to look nice. I can't take my $ w/me, so I might as well spend it on something I can enjoy for however many months I have left.
They have to make the door to order, and I will send pics after it is installed
).L
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Shetlandpony - thinking of you.
I don't even think about the "we" thing. I don't think anyone has ever addressed me with that. It was more me saying 'what are we going to do about... " .
Gee Happa - I think I want your husbands life! I don't think he knows how good he has it. My husband and I always had a shared account, but we got married young, he did the bills and I would ask once in awhile about how the money stuff is. I should have listened to him better and found out more because when he passed away suddenly, I was a little lost for a few months. Everything was pretty much together that it wasn't too bad to take over, but I did cuss at my self a bit for living in la la land and not even knowing what my house insurance company was. Live and learn...wish I didn't choose to learn the hard way so often.
hoping you all have a stress free week-end
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My husband and I don't have complicated finances, but he handles most of them. I started as the financial person, but he likes playing with numbers more than I do. I prefer words, so I write any necessary nasty letters. When I got diagnosed last year and we started getting all the screwy insurance and hospital paperwork last year (with the effed up charge amounts that never match), I handed it all to him and said, "I'll do the tests and surgery and physical stuff, and you can do THIS." It was nice for me to not worry about any of that, and it gave Hubby something practical to do, which he appreciated.
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My husband and I have always had a joint checking account. This is not to say we have never argued about finances. He is a collector and I am a saver. He now has a small separate account and so do I. Any large expense has to be discussed until we reach consensus. We have put in a pool, renovated houses to sell and purchased cars. All after we agree to do it. Takes numerous discussions before we reach consensus! I pay the bills so there are no questions about credit card charges. i do worry about what DH would do if I were not around. He has no idea how to do online banking. Money can cause enormous arguments
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I need a place to vent/cry/be angry. I am writing this post to get out my frustrations and likely won't come back to check for responses.
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I lost my mom last year (January 2018), unexpectedly, to pancreatic cancer. It was a blow as my father was the one who had lung cancer and mom was his caregiver. I didn't have a chance to grieve as my role switched to caregiver. I temporarily moved in to my childhood home to help my dad. I stayed there for four months. Taking him to chemo and doctor appointments, cleaning out the house, helping him find a new place (assisted living), etc. My life was put on hold with no regrets. I returned home (I live in a different province) for one month before dad let me know he wasn't comfortable being in the house alone. He had a gallbladder attack and was hospitalized for a month. I returned to help him, expecting to stay and help get him moved into assisted living and our family home ready for a new family. On July 1 my dad had a stroke. They didn't know what it was until his third week in the hospital. It was a rare type of stroke that only affects balance. Think vertigo 24/7/365. Dad stayed in the hospital for a month, was released for one week, then requested to be readmitted. He passed away in August 2018. In October 2018 I returned home and gradually returned to work in December.
In January 2019, I had to say goodbye to my furbaby of 20 years. I was heartbroken but grateful that she had survived through my hellish 2018. 2019 was supposed to be the year that things turned around. Then I have an abnormal mammogram in March. Biopsy and diagnosis of breast cancer in April.
I'm the fucking matriarch of my family at 43. I have one younger sister who has a ten year old son. That's my whole family. No first cousins. No aunts or grandparents. My sister lives in the same province as my parents did (I moved away ten years ago for work).
I get my head wrapped around this stupid diagnosis. I'm assured that it is highly treatable/curable and not aggressive. It's likely going to come back estrogen receptor positive because of my long term birth control use. Makes it even easier to treat. Given my age they send me to genetic testing, but she highly doubts anything will come of it.
I rush from diagnosis to lumpectomy with almost no time to breathe. I'm thinking how lucky I am to have caught it so early. Just radiation therapy and I'll be back to work in no time. Great news, stage 1, clean margins and no lymph node involvement. Or so I'm told over the phone. When I go in to meet the surgeon I find out it's highly aggressive and chemo is likely.
WTF?
Oh, and it's weakly staining estrogen with negative progesterone and HER2.
EXCUSE ME?
I request an oncotype test because there has to be a mistake. My oncologist assures me there is time to wait for the results.
Oncotype 50 - 9 year distant recurrence risk of 39% with hormone therapy alone. Chemo should reduce it by at least 15%. I accept that chemo is required. I need to get that risk number down. 25% is still high, but at least it's not 40%.
Boy am I stupid. I forgot about genetic testing. I had first been referred to genetic testing 5 years ago but told my family history didn't make me eligible for genetic testing.
Fast forward to yesterday. Oh, you have a BRCA1 mutation.
... Seriously? I didn't have a strong enough family history to warrant the fucking test 5 years ago when I didn't have fucking breast cancer. When I could have looked into prophylactic options to PREVENT cancer.
Now my personal risk is 67% of another seperate breast cancer, 31% of ovarian cancer and a higher risk of pancreatic cancer. Oh, and my only surviving relative has a 50% of having the same mutation.
My highly treatable/curable, non aggressive, only need a lumpectomy is now a recommended DOUBLE MASTECTOMY, OOPHORECTOMY, AND PANCREATIC SCREENING.
I still really haven't grieved the loss of my parents. I struggle because I can't call my mom to talk about this. Or call my dad to exchange chemo stories. I live alone with two kittens I adopted this past February. If not for my friends and colleagues I would be completely and utterly alone in all this. At times I feel alone regardless.
I keep waiting for the emotional tidal wave to hit, yet all I am is numb numb numb.
How much can one person endure? When will my life take a turn for the better? Why can't I catch a break in all of this?
I swear, if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none.
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oh Fairydragonfly - I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this.
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fairy dragon fly, yikes, I am so sorry! You haven’t had a chance to even get your head around all the loss, before you were hit again. Please talk to someone, a counsellor perhaps at your cancer centre. Youve so much to deal with, sending good thoughts!
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Fairydragonfly: I'm sorry, those are too many things to process in such a short time. My diagnosis also occurred at the worst possible time. My partner left me a month before my dx, I do not have a job, and I can't have it because my mother has vascular dementia and I have to take care of her since my father is an alcoholic. I try not to let my father see me when I feel sick, because he cares and drinks even more. And besides all that, I do not even know if my treatment will work because I have a suspicious supraclavicular lymph node. I can not even imagine what it would be like to enter a stage IV with my parents in those conditions. I don't have more family to tell than my son and my brother. Our future is in God hands. I wish you can go through this and get well. HUGS
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Fairydragon, I hope you do come back here and read the responses.
Cancer can make you feel alone. Because you are alone. Even with all your friends and colleagues supporting you and feeling terrible for you and maybe bringing you casseroles, you are alone. I remember laying on the operating table before my lumpectomy, the bustle of operating room all around me, people coming and going and there I was, on a table, like a piece of meat, and I felt alone. I thought, oh my god, has it come to this, I am about to have surgery for cancer! I never imagined this could be my life. And as that mask came down onto my face I closed my eyes, surrounded by strangers and resigned myself to the chance that I might never open them again, never see anyone I loved ever again. With all the support in the world you can still feel stone, cold alone.
Numb is probably the best way for you to feel right now. Grieving can wait. And it will. It won't go away. You could be so lucky! You are in survival mode right now and numb is how your body and mind puts the brakes on too much stuff at once. You have to prioritize and right now the priority is getting your feet back under you after this latest insult and when you have a better grip on this new cancer bullshit, THEN you can turn your attention to other matters of life misery. But one thing at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. And numb is how you get there.I am sorry for all the crap you've been through. It seems impossible and inhumane what life dishes out sometimes. I hope you find your footing soon.
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Fairydragonfly I too hope you come back. As usual, runor speaks the truth. Numb probably is the best way for you and IMO it's healthy. Tears come later. Let us be your virtual support.
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Thank you for all your kind words.
I have sought out counseling. While caring for my dad, I received counseling from his cancer center. I met with someone every few weeks up until I went back to work. In January I had some grief counseling from my work employee assistance program. I have also met with psychosocial oncology since my own diagnosis. Joined a local support group for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients (thank heavens for those ladies) and am receiving cancer coaching to help me move past cancer and resume my life.
I have depression and anxiety, managed with medication. I am well versed in cognitive behavioral therapy and recognize when I am not using the "tools in my toolbox."
It's just been so damn unfair. I appreciate having this venue to let it out. Last night I actually slept and I am pretty sure it is partly due to the fact I wrote that post.
❤️
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I don't know where to start except with the blessings of being of 45 mother of two incredible boys, wife to a fantastic man, and dautghter to supportive parents (which I now some others don't have the support system). I got my path results yesterday from my lumpectomy and sentinel node dissection and am now classified as Stage IIIa as my high grade 3 tumour(s) were small (11mm and 2mm) but all four of my sentinel nodes had cancer in them; three macrometasteses (the largest being 10mm) and one micrometastese (<2mm), including one having micropapillary features (which in from the biopsy we thought that the micropapillary features were in the tumour itself but this time the pathologist seemed to think that they were IDC-NOS. The results were ER+/PR+ and HER2- and no extranodal extension was identified. I have a bone scan and CT-scan soon to check whether we caught it in time. I am terrified now of the what ifs. I will be going in for more surgery to go through a complete axillary node dissection.
I am at a complete loss. I cannot even function right now. I am beyond heartbroken and not even sure I have gotten to the angry part yet. I finally got to sleep after only with the aid of lorazopram and am now awake, sobbing, in disbelief, and really don't know how to function. I am so terrified and feel as though I have been absolutely robbed of of my life. This life was supposed to be long and healthy, full of times of both wonder and complexities, full of eductation, and most importantly full of family. I don't want to give up and am always up for a fight (I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD in my teens and have battled that all my life) but I am scared that I have no control.
I feel so guilty as well like I am letting everybody down. I don't know what to do. All I want is to be there for everyone. My kids need me, my husband (although a rock) needs me, my parents need me, and some of fiends need me. Last night my husband was stroking my hair and told me that when he came to the states from former Yugoslavia at 16 on an exchange (right when the war broke out) that it changed his life and forced him to live in the "grey", not black or white (ie. thing are bad or good). He had to learn to live with the unknown, being away from his family, in a new country that was not always friendly, learning and perfecting the language, all at the age of 16. He said it was the hardest thing that he did. He also told me that I need to look at life like that now, not everything bad or good. He told me I was killing myself with the worry about this (he does know its new and he does understand the fear) and I know the stats are not good for the pessimist (although I have always considered myself more of a realist) and I WANT TO CHANGE but this is so challenging and terrifying. I need for some of the ladies here to give me any advice, any hope, and support (and I do get it at home).
Even my surgeon was surprised and saddened yesterday when he gave me the results. He was under the impression that I was at a much earlier stage and thought we caught it early. I was even sad that I disappointed him and put him in the position of having to tell me the results. The nurse was also very good at the Ottawa Breast Screening Clinic. She saw that I was about to be sick, got me water, a cool towel, and stayed with me for as long as I needed. EVERYONE, I WANT to FIGHT but I have so little control. What do I do now and how do I function in everyday life? I am so sad right now and I need help.
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Oh Sportymom, you didn't disappoint anyone, you haven't let any one down. You have a disease, not a character flaw. I am not walking your path but I stand with you and want you to know that all those lovely people you mentioned (your husband, your children, your parents, your friends) stand with you even more.
For today, just breathe, lean on your husband, let him comfort you and let his words seep into your heart.
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Fairydragon - I am so sorry to hear about all of your luck and your challenges. I don't know what to say except I am in Barrhaven, as per the previous posts you and I have shared, I am more than happy if you PM me or want to meet. We can co-miserate about this f*^$&*g disease together.
Sending love and hugs.
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