STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Hapa, your post reminds me of something I saw decades ago that has stuck with me (and I've always wanted to use):
Memo
Dear Sir,
Fuck you. Strong letter to follow.
Sincerely,
John/Jane Doe
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So listen to this!
I had exchange surgery a while back, which my insurance must cover by law, and was medically necessary, but for some reason, after receiving approval, I received a notice of denial on the grounds of it not being medically necessary. I made a few phone calls and apparently the denial was in error as far as anyone can tell, but curiosity drove me to look up the doctor who generated the denial.
He's an ENT! An EAR, NOSE and THROAT doctor!
An ear nose and throat doctor was, at some point in time, given the authority to decide what I could and could not do concerning my fake breasts and to override three doctors who actually specialize in breasts!
How is that even legal?
On another note, about the heat, hot flashes, and sleeping, I've discovered that as long as I can get the temperature below 80F, sleep in my underwear on top of the covers and remain as still as possible, I can keep the hot flashes to a minimum long enough to fall asleep.
Back when I did not have AC, on particularly hot nights I would buy a bag of ice, encase it in a large ziplock bag, wrap it in a towel, and sleep next to it.
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Below 80 degrees? You couldn't sleep with hapa's husband, either. Validation.
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jaycee49:
My ideal room temperature for sleeping is currently 68F, but I can only get it down to 78F right now. However, 10 years ago, before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was cold if the thermostat was set to anything below 80F. I thought it was broken. Yet when my Synthroid dose was upped by too big of a jump, I could sit happily in a 55F room in a short sleeved t shirt.
Now, I have just about no thermoneutral zone. Any time my body temperature rises a bit I instantly go in to a hot flash and any time it drops a bit I get cold.
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I think a lot of older men who previously would have tried to freeze you out of the house/office start getting cold all the time when they have to be on warfarin or other blood thinners. I go to my parents house and Daddy has the heat cranked up until the rest of us can't stand it. My grandfather did this too. They were decidedly not that way when they were younger.
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Just diagnosed... I am so ANGRY that I am about to lose my body to surgery and hormone therapy and possibly chemo! I am so ANGRY that I don't have any control of this. I just had my last baby, had my tubes tied and thought "My body is mine forever now, I never have to change my world because of something inside of me!" Nope! wrong! now that I have breast cancer inside me I have to change my world forever not just 9 months! I have to think about dying before my children are grown, I have to think about menopause (I have a 2 year old for gods sake!) and vaginal dryness and hot flashes and joint pain that might keep me from playing with my children. And I'm ANGRY that my best friend told me they were just boobs and I could get new ones!!!!!! I am so damn angry that this is happening......
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dewey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Cancer needs better treatment, I find it barbaric to be mutilated, poisoned and fried.
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deweygirl. I cannot imagine what you are going through with such young children and this unbelievable diagnosis.
It's so damned unfair!! There's nothing more I can say. F...ing cancer.
Tell your friend to get some help with her 'people skills'. Unbelievable stupidity....
hugs, GP
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We totally agree deweygirl. It sucks to be branded with the C word like forever.
Diane
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deweygirl19:
So your friend needs to seriously work on her empathy skills. Was she standing behind the door when they asked about "brains" which she misinterpreted as "trains" and said, "no, I already have a set"? When you can get your anger under control (not a judgment here because we have all been there), you need to have a face to face with her about it is not about boobs nor replacements. It is about surviving a disease that really doesn't have a "cure" just a treatment plan that we hope works; as my MO says "no guarantees" . The treatment can be brutal physically and psychologically. It is the latter that receives virtually no attention but one which MD's want to fix by throwing "pills" at it. Even the physical tolls can be downplayed with the caveat that "we are trying to save your life". I get it, but at what cost? So your anger is justified and appropriate.
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I realized when I got cancer that people don't know what to say and often say the wrong thing, but I think its said with love behind it and they are trying to make you feel better. Going through cancer I now know what really bugged me and what helped me. It was the same thing when my husband died, people said things that would sometimes make me cringe inside, but outside I smiled and nodded because they said it in love and really thought it was the right thing to say.
Edited to add ; Here is the place though to really bitch about what people said and what really made you mad, cringe, astonish..whatever you felt.
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this is why I at times hate Angelina Jolie. People think no big deal, they can easily be replaced! It is a big deal having cancer and all it entails
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yeah, it gets glamorized.
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I find if I do most of the talking it sets the stage for how I want people to frame their answers. Doesn’t always help the truly stupid!
I have a question. This is a small rant, but I need assistance with it. Since my diagnosis I realize I should eat better. I have a green smoothie daily and mainly healthy salads and soups for lunch. I enjoy cooking and experiment with different entrees for dinner. I would like my DH to be responsible for dinners on Saturdays. He can prepare it, order it or take me out. There has been some problem with him understanding what makes a healthy food selection. He thinks burgers, Chinese or some fast food preferably fried. I guess one day a week of something less than healthy would not be a terrible thing. Especially if it means I do not have to cook it! I have tried to explain to him about how important good food choices are to everyone. He just has a hard time knowing what a good choice is.
Any advice is appreciated
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JCS, I agree with Wrenn. Over time, from the meals you prepare, he may work his way towards healthier choices, but until then, just enjoy the meals and consider it your 'cheat' night.
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I would also agree with having one cheat night in the week. Like someone above said, he may find out about better food choices along the way. As long as it is something you both enjoy.
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JCSLibrarian, there are some Chinese meals that aren't bad - vegetarian dishes, or meat/veg combos in a lighter sauce, stir-fried and not deep-fried, or hot & sour or egg drop soups.. Just take it easy on the rice and the fried appetizers! But even an occasional burger is fine.
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JCSLibrarian, here's another thought. Have him cook what he wants and ask that dinner also includes a salad or good veggies. Win/win.
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We ended up with deli sandwiches. I will consider it a cheat night. He talks about how he supports me, but does not learn anything about cancer and how to do things that actual support me. He will drive me to infusions, sit in on doctor’s appointments and tell everyone how strong I am. He will not learn about MBC, triple negative BC or even the name of my chemo. All that is mine to deal with. I have enabled him for over 40 years to worry only about himself and do only what comes naturally to him. Maybe Saturday is a bad night. Too many sporting activities on TV. We will do something else. See how good I am at enabling. LOL!!!!
Thanks for the suggestions!
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He sounds like he's helping in the ways he can, going to everything with you and being your biggest cheerleader and moral support. That's exactly what my husband does, plus I gave him all the bills to deal with from the start. I told him I'd have the surgery and treatments, and he could take the money headaches on, working with my insurance company and the billing departments. It gave him something practical to do. He doesn't cook, can't even throw together an edible sandwich. But we could get food elsewhere, and I couldn't get the support he gave me from anyone else. If I need to talk about details of treatment, or some of the mental part and I've already dumped on him a lot, I have this place, and my "cancer mentor," a friend who's had Stage IV ovarian cancer for many years. My experience isn't nearly as grim as hers, but I've had enough other cancers that we can joke with each other about the marathon Whack-a-Mole games we're playing with our bodies, or how she does quality while I do quantity. She lives halfway across the country, and was just a friendly work acquaintance from years ago. Our cancer bond has made us very close friends, even if it's just via text. All this is to say, if your DH has been so supportive in other ways, maybe find a cancer pal for the nitty-gritty details, and eventually work out a compromise on the one-night-a-week food issue.
Librarians rock!
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I hear you, AliceB. I do have long conversations with supportive friends about my diagnosis. I get very frustrated with my DH’s inability to learn new things and step out of his comfort zone. I pay the bills and deal with insurance because he cannot use technology well enough to do it successfully. I have to select the restaurant because he doesn’t want to ‘make a mistake’. Yet, somehow I can prepare a meal every night that meets expectations or can laugh if it does not. He kept asking me if he had taken all his pills. I suggested he use a weekly pill box. “No!” Was his reply. I bought one anyway. He is now using it and loving it. I do not know what has to happen to me for him to step up and show some ability to handle things on his own. I know he loves me and wants me around much longer. I wish he would be someone I can lean on to handle things, but that is not reality. Sometimes being petty about what to eat might be a way I want to control things as a reaction to cancer. Sheesh! Life goes on and it is good
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JCSLibrarian. I just passed the idea of a DH meal suggestion one night a week and guess what he came up with. Burger, or Chinese or indian take away. I said anyone can order a take away and his answer was well why don't you do it too and then we could have 2 treat nights a week ----
On a more practical note could you run him through an easy recipe that you both like and get him to practice it until he gets it right- at least then you would know what you'd be getting....
GP
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I think I've learned to appreciate my DH more as the years go by. I remember being livid with his pet-rock-like demeanor years ago and ranting loudly to co-workers about him being a "slack-jawed, glass-eyed, knuckle-dragging moron," which may have been just a tad harsh. 🙄
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I feel very lucky. When I got cancer, I was working and my husband was retired. He took care of all the money and insurance stuff and the housework and made dinner every night. I kept working through out my treatment, which I know I wouldn't be able to do if he didn't do so much. He went to doctors appointments with me, but I did chemo and radiation on my own. Which was fine, I was 5 hours in chemo, I slept most of it and watched Netflix and I did radiation on my lunch break at work. He did not listen if I talked doom and gloom, but he was there if I said I was scared. I don't think I would want someone hanging on me and treating me way different. Life was harder as cancer hits a whole family and not just one person, our everyday conversation and dealing with family was normal.
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Just makes me feel extraordinary that I did and do cancer stuff with 0 help. Makes my day.
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You are, Artista928, you are!
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deweygirl I hear you! I was diagnosed at 38. It’s harder for young women and yes I know this anger all too well! We all do.
It’s been 2 years since I had a recurrence. Of course I still think about it everyday most of the time. I’ll be having bad days on and off for the rest of my life. But today my rant is women we know who have never been through this putting time limits on our depression and anger!! Today I had ‘so you’ve been quiet how are you getting through it” but looked at with annoyance and I could tell her message was “move on .. just be happy now”
It’s like they are over the shock and the worry so I should be! Yeah I’m over the shock but otherwise it’s my reality! Every day!! Fucking tired of putting up with these women who have not got a clue but they expect us to be guided by them in terms of how we handle it!!!
Deweygirl as for the they’re only boobs comment. That’s part ignorancebut it’s also partly thanks to pinkwashing ... the glamourising of breast cancer. It’s cancer, it’s not all about boobs but try telling most women who’ve never had breast cancer tha
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Okay my rant is being treated like an invalid. Being told not to walk up the stairs or file at work because they do not want me to be bending or stooping. I just want to scream that I did not have surgery on my legs and have no restrictions from my doctor. I also hate it when people minimize my diagnosis with at least you do not have to have chemo. Also when I mention my hair falling out being told that it is not so bad. I used to have long thick hair. Now I have very thin and still coming out by the handfuls hair. Things all build up until I just start crying and can not stop and when I am asked what is wrong it just gets worse. On top of the cancer I have just been diagnosed with Lupus. I could use that sound proof padded room right about know.
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Ugh what a crappy way to be treated
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jdavis, I am so sorry people are treating you like you cannot do anything or minimizing what you have been through. It does not matter whether you had chemo or not, cancer is scary whether it is Stage 0 or Stage 4 and anywhere in between. Thoughtless things to say. If people would only think for 10 seconds about what they want to say, the world would be such a better place.
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