STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Ctmb, I like how you picked up on the 20/20, clear vision thing. I had not thought of it in those terms. I do not hold with the popular position that we should be doing all we can against this virus. I think the steps taken have been damaging and stupid in the extreme. I hope there are criminal charges brought against various leaders for the destructive and willfully evil role they have played in bringing all this collateral damage down on our heads. I do not forgive them and I do not think 'they were doing the best they could'. That is what you expect as an excuse from a 14 year old working their first shift at a burger joint, but NOT from our elected officials. I think the saying I find relevant (now that you tweaked me!) is that hindsight is 20/20. We will look back on this year and say oooohhh, boy, did we shit the bed ! But then it will be too late. It's too late now! And all our leaders who have before them now information that they need to pull their heads out of their asses, are refusing to do so. So yes, hindsight is 20/20, yet we charge on and no, I do not think any of this violation of human rights and dignity was warranted. I say so. I get ghosted. So be it. I speak my piece and when our kids and grandkids live a shitty life of crushing taxes and aborted opportunities, there will be no blood on my hands. I never asked for anyone to sacrifice their life or livelihood for my fake feeling of being protected. There's nothing so special about me that I get to ask you to stop your life in its tracks to protect me. When I got breast cancer lots of things came into my mind but 'why me?' was never one of them. Because, frankly, why not me? Why should some other woman get it and not me? Why should someone else eat a shit sandwich but not me? By what magic am I elected as special and sacred and holy and more deserving of a cancer free life than anyone else? I'm not. So I'm not going to piss and moan about that bad luck. But LOTS of people want to live their lives as safely as possible and have demanded sacrifices from the rest of society to do so. You put on YOUR mask so I don't feel threatened. To hell with that. I cannot, do not and will not hold with that ethic, belief or world view. Watch the ghosting begin..........
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Sorry completely off topic, I was feeling so very fatigued, can't move and my toddler was saying she's hungry. When I asked my husband to feed her, he asked "Well, what're you making for dinner?" I haven't been able to cook for months. Maybe I just can't handle a joke?
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Gah I sure hope that was a joke (a POOR joke).
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Queue the music to hide the sound of a frying pan hitting husband over the head! Sorry, not sorry.
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it's been quite a while since I've posted here. I had a single mastectomy 8/8/2019. My last chemo was 6/26/2020. Life has certainly changed in the past year. I'm NED which is amazing but celebrating anything now with COVID19 seems selfish. I know almost 180K have lost their lives to COVID but I also know over 600K will die of cancer in the US this year. That's unacceptable at every level. I'm sure there will be a vaccine for COVID19 by the spring and it infuriates me that we don't have a cure for cancer. I know there are many forms of cancer and I was pretty amazed at the progress of treatments for triple positive breast cancer in the past 16 months since I was diagnosed but at the same time I've watched a friend and a friend's mom enter stage 4 so I'm not satisfied.
I left brestcancer.org believing if I didn't follow these boards any longer, life would get back to normal faster. I don't think that's really going to happen. I don't know if life will ever feel the way it did pre cancer. I'm hoping someone here tells me it will.
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Hi, Dawn,
I don't think I can tell you that life will get back to "normal" faster because really, none of us knows what lies ahead. I thought I had put BC in the rear window until it came back for me after 13 years in 2019.
However, I just wanted to reiterate what you say about a cure for cancer. I don't want to appear negative about drug companies, because they've brought us some great drugs that are keeping many of us alive, but I have to believe that Big Pharma is not particularly incentivized to come out with a cure for ANY kind of cancer. I realize that lots of institutions are working on this, including NIH, but really -- why can't these very smart scientists find the cure? Also, if we can speed up the coronavirus vaccine, then why can't we speed up the trials for cancer products? Instead, many trials for cancer are now on hold or not recruiting bc of the attention to Covid (which is necessary, but still....)
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Dawn, it is my experience that life goes back to looking normal, but not feeling normal. You will eventually do what you did before and people will expect you to (see above for husband looking for dinner). But you will feel like the old you was sucked out of your body and a new you was dropped in and the new you is like, " what is this? Why do I feel unattached? Why does everything feel weird? I might die from this disease, wait, holy shit, where did THAT black thought come from? " My life LOOKS like it used to and I DO what I used to but I am not as I used to be. I have moments of paralyzing sadness over a reality that I cannot ignore. I keep reading it, 30% of early stage cancers will go on to metastasize. This is a truth. This is a reality. I can try and ignore it all I want. I can tell myself that I might be one of the 70% who don't. Or I might be one of the 30% who do.
Life is a backpack. As we walk along, shit gets tossed in the pack. Disappointments in people (if you forgive them and realize your expectations were off, you can take that burden out of your backpack). Broken hearts. Worries about kids. Career goals and life visions that never worked out. Loss of friends through time and age, loss of our own abilities through time and age. All this shit gets piled in the backpack and you hike it up onto your shoulders and keep walking. Cancer is a hammer in the backpack that randomly comes out and bashes you on the head while you're walking along. The THOUGHTS that seize me and stop my heart and catch my breath, for me that has not gone away. The frequency has eased a bit. But when the thoughts do come, it still makes me stumble. The weight of the pack is heavy and most of us get on with the business of living anyway, but it's the hammer to the psyche that takes a toll. An invisible toll. Sometimes a debilitating toll.As time goes by you will adjust to the load. BUt expect those whacks of reality barging into your brain when you least expect them. For me anyway that is proving to be a permanent condition. And the longer I get out from cancer, you'd think I'd be all, hooray, I've beat this thing, I'm going to live forever. No. As more time goes by it's like I'm bracing harder and harder, clenched against the other shoe dropping. Because that's what we all live with. The knowledge that there is a finger on the trigger and the gun is aimed at us. We've been hit once already. Will it hit us again? Now go be normal.... yeah right. Sorry for my bleakness, but this is only my experience and others will have different views to offer. Hugs to you.
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runor.....Your post was very well written and insightful. It means a lot to me. Thank you. (i know it wasn't for me...but wanted to express how much it touched me)
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"Life is a backpack. As we walk along, shit gets tossed in the pack." Well, that explains it! No wonder my shoulders hurt most of the time!!
Dawn, it may feel that it's taking time for your life to get back to "normal", but it's less than 2 years since your diagnosis and much less time since your last treatment. We don't usually even start the "moving past this" process until after treatment finishes. Be patient and be kind to yourself. This takes time. Years, usually.
runor, I can identify with a lot of what you say, but I also look at some things differently. That's what life experience does to us - it gives each of us our own unique perspective on where we are in life and how we view the future.
For example, I agree when you say "Because that's what we all live with. The knowledge that there is a finger on the trigger and the gun is aimed at us. We've been hit once already. Will it hit us again?" but I look at it differently. Yup, I see that finger on the trigger. My version of that, which I've written in posts on the board, is that after a diagnosis of breast cancer, we are all aware of the sword hanging over our heads; what we don't know is the strength of the wire holding that sword.
But what I've also written, and what my life experience has shown me, is that every single person has a sword hanging over their head, everyone has a gun aimed at them with a finger on the trigger, whether they know it or not. The difference for us is that after a diagnosis of breast cancer, we know it. But I already knew it. It was through another life experience, years before I was diagnosed, that I learned that the sword is there and can fall on anyone (or the gun can fire) without warning.
So is it worse to be aware of our mortality and the risks we face? Is it better to be blissfully ignorant? In some ways, yes, since it certainly would be nice to be innocent and free of the thoughts that hit us. But in other ways, no, since an awareness of the sword (or gun) can give someone the freedom to live life more fully, to not suffer fools, and to care less about the little things. It's definitely a double-edged sword (to mix my sword metaphors).
Similarly, I am aware that "30% of early stage cancers will go on to metastasize. This is a truth. This is a reality.", and there are moments when that stops me in my tracks. But much more often, I think about how lucky I am to have been diagnosed with an early stage breast cancer. I might end up being one of the 30% (knock on wood that I'm not), but until I am, I'm not. And that's big. Right now, today, as I write this, breast cancer is in my rear-view mirror. Every single day, it's smaller in the distance, and it's smaller in it's impact on my life. Might that change? Sure. But other things can happen too, things that are not on my radar - I learned that years ago. So I'm not going to live my life today as though I'm in the 30%, or forever worrying that I might one day be in the 30%, when today I'm not. And hopefully tomorrow I'm not. And hopefully 26 years from now, as I approach my 90th birthday, I'm not.
After a breast cancer diagnosis, to some extent we all face the same reality. How we deal with that reality is shaped by our life experiences, our perspective on life and how we are determined to move forward.
Edited for typos only (gee, thanks, autocorrect!)0 -
Dawn--Don't rush yourself, it takes a while. Active treatment will likely slow down and you will regain (all, most, some) strength. I remember how proud of myself I was when it didn't freak me out to wait 13 months for a mammo instead of getting it at 12 months. You won't realize how close to the surface BC is until someone says something that sends you into panic (or anger) mode in the months/years ahead. Most people do not realize that AIs are BC treatment and might be continued for years. (I called it my pill for "aging at the speed of light" and told friends about it when they said "aren't you glad you are done with treatment." I wasn't done, but how would they know? Stats are not predictive of YOU. I had even forgotten about them until I got MBC. Wouldn't have helped me to remember that for a decade anyway. Eat reasonably well, exercise some and have fun!
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Thank you to Runor and Beesie for sharing your thought provoking insights.
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I've had three cancers - four if you want to count my multiple basal cell skin rots - sometimes I count them, sometimes I don't, depending on my attitude du jour. You know what keeps me from wondering if one of the three stinky ones will come back and bite me in the butt? Knowing that I have an aortic aneurysm that eventually will pop. My cardiothoracic doc sounded like Eeyore at my most recent appointment. Having had cancer does not make us immune from other crap that can take us out. It ALL sucks, and at some point, one will suck worse than others. Or it might be a new health monster that will get me. Or you. But I will not give any of it more than a few minutes of my time each day, or I become as bad as the the health monsters.
And as for cancer vaccines vs. Covid vaccines, cancer doesn't have the contagion factor that makes Covid more immediately problematic.
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Beesie, EXACTLY! I have said in other posts that my death, before cancer, was 100% guaranteed. My death after cancer is 100% guaranteed. Cancer did not, in any way, change my potential death outcome, it was and remains, 100%. The timing and method of said death is 100% unknown. These are all truths. But they are some big concepts that before I never thought about. My mortality was NOT on my daily radar. It was like, you know we're all going to die, yeah, great, whatever, blah, blah, blah, maybe you common people might die, that's up to you, but ME? I haven't got time for that dying crap so I"m thinking maybe I'll just skip it.
WRONG.
It's like math. I am a math moron. Numerically handicapped. I graduated high school not knowing how to do even the most basic algebra. When homeschooling my daughter at the age of 40 something I taught myself algebra and I was totally impressed with myself until we encountered equations with exponents in the negative numbers. Wait. What? There are NEGATIVE exponents? And my little brain just collapsed under the weight of this unknowable development. And don't even get me started on boolean algebra! So I did not think about my own mortality and it is a biggy in the backpack! But I must say Beesie, I would never suspect that your pack is heavy as you march like a soldier with the grace of a dancer, never missing a beat. Thank you.
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Once you get a diagnosis like cancer it forces the issue of how one will continue to live life while being in touch with ones mortality.
Being in the club now, I can tell you that so far there has not been a day since 2017 that I haven't thought about it. Alice gives some good advice here. I only give it as many minutes/seconds as I choose and move on. Mostly this is in the morning while getting dressed and seeing the damn thing all mangled up. I have dread and a little anxiety near imaging and appointment time. So much so, I've yet to call my GP to make regular appt out of fear they will order something else. I feel like a school child trying to pass a test. Trying and doing better with that as I think back in 2017 it seemed like any test I took the phone rang. It takes time to move past the trauma of all that.
Congrats on finishing one leg of the race Dawn.
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nopink2019, I hope your DH's heart procedure goes well and they finally have success. I usually PM people I encounter from NM and I did in your case. Maybe you don't do PM's. Anyway, we support each other with BC issues and also other family member health issues. ctmbsikia can attest to that.
Dawn, a very good doctor told me years ago that it can take at least a year to recover from chemo. From the END of chemo. I've heard Perjeta is no picnic, either. I'm jealous of runor's backpack so I will say this: first there is the earthquake ... then there are the aftershocks.
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ctmbsikia I completely get what you wrote about your "fear they will order something else."
I have a broken foot that's not healing as fast as expected. I saw the podiatrist last week and she said we may need to have an MRI. Yeah no I'm just DONE with all that. But I know my foot needs to heal but I don't want any more tests and round and round it goes.
I don't much care for this merry-go-round.
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Jaycee49: I did not have chemo so I cannot remark on the effects of that but after 33 whole breast treatments, adding up to 60 grays to left breast, it was ravaged and bears little resemblance to its former self. Your description of "first there is an earthquake...then there are the aftershocks" aptly holds true. Great description of what our bodies are subjected to by BC the gift that keeps on giving.
I take more supplements and prescribed medications to counteract side effects of BC drugs than I care to think about. Just added one more prescribed med to the daily regimen. Pre-BC, I took 3 prescribed medications (4 pills daily), now I take over 20 pills a day. So the aftershocks persist.
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edj3
I'm sorry the thought of an MRI upsets you so much. Due to the more iffy cancer I had, and having an aneurysm, I have scans at least twice a year. I try to think of them as routine maintenance, like taking the car in. It's really helped me to detach myself from the situation and not get upset.
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Oh it's not the MRI. I've had plenty of those and they're fine. It's Yet.Another.Test. (and bill)
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The Green Day song, wake me up when Sept. ends I can definitely relate to this year!
My cholesterol script says 0 refills but I think the pharmacy got an Ok to refill it-new bottle still says 0. The recording on my GP's office line says they are seeing patients on an as needed basis (the rest are phone calls-um no thanks!) So , since I'm well and if they keep filling my 1-script I can just get a flu shot someplace else. Skipping this annual until things are better with this virus.
With much dread I also had to call for a diagnostic mammo. Doing that on the 22nd, and see the BS on the 28th. It will be fine, there is absolutely nothing up this time! Nothing. All will be routine. That date is also plenty far away in case my insurer decides not to approve this, I'll know beforehand. Should be fine though.
Did I tell you guys I got switched to an new MO? First one still with the practice just changing offices. I liked her but maybe not so much that I need to travel to see her when I am not even 5 minutes from my local office. This one is a male, not that it matters. I met him in June and frankly I remember none of it other than he was sorry for what I went thru, my mother in law had also just died that morning, so he said let's just get you your Prolia shot and see you back in 6 months. No approval for the Prolia. A complete waste of everyone's time but hey-I showed up when I was scheduled to. I am going to reschedule the Dec. appt until January when I will hopefully have new and better insurance.
I wish I could feel like this is all routine, or maintenance, but I rather be treated when I'm not conscious. I am hopeful though, that this feeling will change after this, when given an all is well and when I graduate to getting rid of seeing the BS and getting back to annual things.
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Agree......tired of being poked and prodded sometimes and just want to have them leave me alone. I know my Grandma always said if is not one thing is 6 and that is truth with cancer!!
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Wishing everyone a Happy Labor Day weekend!
Going down to the Bay tomorrow.
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Have a safe trip!
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Quiet in here which I hope means everyone is doing well and not mad at the world. Pretty darn easy to be these days.
My niece tested positive for covid after attending a cheerleading camp at her high school. The rest of the family just got results and they are all negative. She does not have any symptoms, thank goodness so she should be fine. Close one.
The beach was OK. I roughed it on a blow up bed on the floor in my unfinished place. At least I could go next door to use the bathroom. The plumber hasn't been back so nothing I can work on until he's roughed in. If that doesn't happen before the end of the season so be it. Look out next year though.
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So did you see this President town hall on Tv tonight in Philadelphia? Trump was not even listening to this one woman’s question regarding immigration. She said her mother had become a citizen and inspired her to do so, all while also describing her mothers most recent death from Breast cancer yet her question was regarding his immigration policy. Do you know what? He wasn’t listening to her!!!!!!!!!!!! He said Covid. He watched her crying -grieving being brave while talking to himand he totally thought she died from Covid!! This is our Us President. This poor daughter described her mother’s cancer with great understanding and no one ——NO one really heard her I felt her though and our President is a Dick!
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Here's the link of where I once again went completely over the edge
"She had breast cancer but it made metastasis on her brain, bone and lungs," Cruceta told the president about her mother. "She passed on the 19th. One of her biggest dreams was to become a citizen to vote. And she did [become a citizen], ten days before she died. And I did it, too. She pushed me so hard to do it, and I did it this past 28th."
"It's a very sad story, but we want people to come into our country," Trump told her. "We want them to come in -- a lot of people but we want them to come in through a legal system. Through a system that -- they love our country. They work to come into our country."
The president also told her that his administration is taking care of the coronavirus pandemic, apparently misunderstanding the cause of Cruceta's mother's death.
There are simply not enough adjectives to describe this inhumane being that is our 45th President.
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Deleted at request of Mods.
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I would have used the like button too. I have no words for the horror I feel over our current president. As I've said many times before, I'm very glad I am no longer serving in the US Army because I wouldn't be able to salute that thing, so I'd end up being court martialed and probably dishonorably discharged.
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I'm getting more and more frustrated when a person tells me I should try to walk more. I really want to, it is taking a while to bathe, change clothes, and motivate. I'm also considered a fall hazard so I shouldn't be alone. Yes, I'll go walk more and you should go to the gym!0
