STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
........and it's another BiRads 3 for me!!!! ARGH Don't get me wrong, glad we know what it is (fat necrosis via biopsy Jan. 2020), BUT this pesky thing just doesn't want to resolve!!! There is no mention of measurements on this report though. Not sure what I want to do. Mammo follow up is due in March (just on the left), and that's when I would be due to see the BS again (April), however I could call her up and ask for this to be cut out. It doesn't bother me much, only once in a while. I just don't know if I want to be doing this every 6 months forever!
Here's what it said:
Left breast assessment:
Probably benign.
Clumped non-mass enhancement present at the posttreatment bed likely reflecting evolution of posttreatment changes. Yet, the changes enhancement is probably benign and follow-up MRI in 6 months is recommended. As previously noted, mammography follow-up was also recommended and would be due in March/April 2021.
0 -
-
My BS did call me this evening. I’m going to go ahead and make an appt to see her after next mammo in March. I said I’m perfectly calm knowing it’s not cancer but will this ever get any better? She said it would, but if not, I don’t want to be having alternate tests every 3 months, she said surgery is another option. Then, I run the risk of it happening again. At least if I do have this removed I now have greater knowledge of keeping that breast compressed and wearing tighter bras when working, moving, recovering if that’s the route I go. I guess there’s others out there like me, 3 years from surgery and saying it will get better? Ugh/sigh. We’ll see.
0 -
holy heck. I’ve been super careful who I tell about my DX. I live in a tiny town, in a tiny region, of a tiny state. Everyone knows everyone.
It’s a lot easier to do thanks to the pandemic. Since we’ve been working from home no one realizes who they no longer see or talk to. Easy.
No hair? No problem. Need to nap, fine. Missing a breast? Didn’t even notice.
Every time I think about telling someone else I learn about another. Another cancer death. Always complicated. Always messy. Always closer to home.
Tonight I read the obituary of a coworker’s spouse who died thanks to BC. Last week a coworker died of BC. Another died a few weeks ago (different kind of cancer).
What. The. Fudge?I can’t be responsible for anyone else’s emotions. But I also can’t add to their grief. So I sit here. And sit with the cancer. And neither it or I can escape.
0 -
NotAsCalm, here's a thought: Maybe you are not adding to their grief, but you are letting them know that you TRULY understand. My husband and I were sharing our story with our neighbor, and she opened up about her story and the family she's lost to cancer. I'm thankful that we can share that. There is a bond between us and even if it is strengthened through cancer, it will always be there.
Just my two cents. (And feel free to tell me to mind my own business, or as my sweet mom would say when she was slipping into dementia, "buzz off!")
(((hugs)))
0 -
NotAsCalm - what a dilemma. How a lone you must feel. as a private person in normal circumstances you might be concealing the evidence of your BC treatment, revealing your diagnosis to those you chose to, at just the right moment or if asked about your change of routine or whatever, but in the course of your daily activities. Now because of Covid, , it is as if because no one knows, you haven't actually experienced BC. and no one will know unless you take the initiative and reach out to people to tell them despite how uncomfortable that makes you feel. Do you ever have conversations with people about how they are doing? If they ask you, you might respond, well I haven't caught Covid-19 but I have been dealing with Breast Cancer.
I was lucky to be included in an informal group of six newly diagnosed women, some of whom already knew each other. We met for dinners, a few of us joined a local Breast Cancer Dragon Boat Team, it was great to be able to share and talk about it. Might it be possible for you, through your oncologist's office or hospital, to find a support group meeting virtually? You shouldn't be so alone in this.
0 -
I found out last night that a dear friend passed away Monday night. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer about ten years ago. We worked at the same place, and I had recommended a gynecologist to her, the one who found my endometrial cancer a few years before. We both left that place a few years later, and she relocated to be closer to family, but we stayed in light touch through Facebook. When I had my two cancers in 2018, she reached out to me and became my cancer mentor (which I later learned she did for other women because she was a lovely, generous person). She referred to her own cancer experience as Whack-a-Mole, pound it down in one place and it would pop up elsewhere. We started exchanging frequent texts, and she became one of the best friends I've ever had. I am so torn up over her death but at the same time I am glad she is out of pain. Once she was in hospice care, she had a few good weeks of no longer feeling sick from the last-ditch chemo she'd been on, and cheerfully indulged herself, living on cheesecake and lobster when she could get it. I miss her, and will really miss her even more when my next scan comes up and I don't have anyone to dump my feelings on. I will miss her during the silly reality shows we mutually enjoyed. I will miss the videos of her adorable granddaughter. I will miss knowing she is there even when I didn't have anything to say.
Beyond the normal sadness and grief, I am also trying to cope with feeling bad that part of my reaction is so selfish, that it's my need for her that I'm focusing on. It helps that her daughter told me that my friend relied on my texts, too. And there's the survivor guilt. Oh boy, is there survivor guilt. I keep getting different cancers and I seem to breeze through them, and too many people I have known succumbed to a single kind. It's not right. It's not fair. And I can't do anything about it.
0 -
Well, at least you look good in hats, I look terrible in hats. (I'm not wearing a hat for fashion, it's cold without hair)
Your head has a really great shape. (Round? Oval? As opposed to square?)
My neighbor (friend/cousin/?) had CA and they did great. (And what about the ones who didn't do great? You going to tell me all about them too?)
You're so brave. (It's not like I volunteered to take someone else's place in the cancer line)
I know they are only trying to be nice, but I feel as though I should write a book about what NOT to say. What I really want to hear is:
When is a good time for me to call/come over/walk with you?
Do you want to talk about it?
0 -
AliceBastable, I am sorry for your loss. That really sucks and I can see how you'd have complicated feelings....also I cannot imagine that someone, no matter how nice, would have been such a close friend to you without finding your support and friendship equally immeasurable. Sounds like you were "kindered spirits" as Anne would say. Your heart will be heavy for some time I'm sure.
0 -
jelson - you hit the nail on the head. I am normally quite private and would not have shared many details with people unless I was particularly close to them.
My isolation is self selected. There are a few people I’ve chosen to share details with. A few others know I’m having medical issues. But I am mindful that everyone knows everyone (or they are related) and I don’t want to share this with the world.
... and even I know I need a broader circle than I have. But I can’t imagine being the support group sort. Not my cup of tea.
And the thing is, it’s not just that everyone has a crises on top of Covid to deal with. (They do) It’s death. It’s cancer. And it’s cancer deaths.
sunshine: of the 3 examples I gave (there are more) I already have connected with those I was close enough to about their experiences. I’m not worried that I’m not offering enough to them. I’m not worried that they’re not offering enough to me. I’m just frustrated that when I get to the point that I think I should be more open iswhen cancer grabs someone else from our community and opens wounds deeper.Basically: fuck you cancer you fucking fuck.
0 -
Alice, so sorry for the loss of your friend. I agree that you were likely as much support for her has she was for you. It won't be the same, or a true replacement, but keep in touch here for at least some support. Sending hugs((())).
0 -
Moth and Beavertnx, thank you. This place has always been great for venting. There were many times I didn't want to over-dump on my friend, since she was going through so much, and I've come here to find a safe space. But a few weeks ago, we had a lovely conversation about what our friendship meant to both of us, so we did have that closure. Part of what makes it more complicated is that there were four of us with gynecological cancers at that workplace in a fairly short time period. One died within six months. Another, who was one of the most delightful women I've ever known, died in 2019. Now this friend is gone, and I'm the last woman standing. The survivor guilt really can pile on sometimes! I don't even want to try to list everyone I've lost to breast cancer. I guess I should concentrate on the kidney cancer since it's less common and the only person I knew with it was my Dad, and he died of other causes in his nineties.
It can't be said too many times, fuck cancer. If it doesn't get you physically, it will really screw with your mind.
0 -
Alice- I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend. Your cancer confidant. I remember you writing about her before. Please know you have us. Not the same I know. I hope you will be kind to yourself. I know what’s it’s like to keep living when a dear friend or loved one is gone.
Notascalm, I am one that could not hold back from telling someone, anyone who cared for me about cancer. Active, stable or not. It’s a lot to be doing it alone. I wish you well. I feel that if I was unlucky to get it in the first place, I should deal with it, learn about it, and then perhaps m experience could possibly help others. That’s why I share. I write here incessantly at times.
0 -
Oh, Alice. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. To have someone to talk to who really gets it is priceless. I had a friend like that. We bonded over having triple negative cancer, bald heads and chemo brain, and scans and husbands we used to like. She died of this shit disease in 2017. She was 45, with a three year old at home. I still miss her every single day.
Sending hugs, Alice. The hole the loss of that kind of friends leave in your heart will always be there. All we can hope for is that one day it won't gape quite so wide.
Trish
0 -
Thabk you, ctmbsikia and Trishlya.
0 -
Alice, I am sorry that you have lost your lovely friend
0 -
Alice: Condolences on the loss of your friend. Consider it a blessing that you were able to have had such a friendship and may your memories of this friend endure. Many of us would love to have had such a loving relationship. May she now rest in peace.
0 -
Alice, I'm so sorry. That kind of loss is really tough.
0 -
Thanks to all of you again. I'm curious, how many people have had a cancer mentor or buddy? As wonderful as this forum is, I found it immensely helpful, and emotionally satisfying, to have a real-life person for mutual venting, encouragement, and solidarity. There are certain experiences, usually traumatic in nature, that can only be understood by another person who has gone through the same thing, or something similar. Or have you become a mentor/buddy to someone else?
0 -
Alice, I am sorry for your loss. I can imagine the gap it leaves and the heartache you are feeling.
But the survivor guilt? When you think of the 3 women you worked with who all have now died of gynaecological cancers, would they not be thrilled that you are doing well? I'm sure they all wanted to kick cancer's butt, and if they couldn't, they would want you to. Plus they have you carrying on their memories, as you've done here by writing about them. It's sad that you are now moving ahead without them, but it's good that you are moving ahead. I'm sure they would all agree.
0 -
Alice, I’m very sorry for your loss but echo Beesie’s wise words - your dear friends would celebrate your survival and the loving way you talk about them truly honors their memory. I’ve lost dear friends, am the last of my group of childhood/teen/young adult dear friends though the only cancer death amongst them was AIDS-related. And each one hurt, and the last one is really painful I still think of at least of them every day but the pain diminishes over time like any hard loss of course. I hope you can take comfort from knowing what a good and valued friend you were to the ones you are missing to
0 -
Alice I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I know your friendship was important to her and may her memories be treasured by all who knew her.
0 -
AliceBastable....I am very sorry about the death of your friend. You guys had a special friendship and I can only imagine how hard it is to lose her.
As to your question, no I don't have a cancer mentor. I wish I did. This has been a lonely road that I have traveled with precious little support and no guidance (outside of my drs).
0 -
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎♥️ to all of you wonderful people.
0 -
Y’all are my cancer mentors/buddies. Cops are kinda like that. Despite the thin blue line and all that, we don’t really share anything outside of work. I know one girl off the job, a wife of a dear friend of my hubs, I’ve spoken of her here. She died 2 years in. There is another girl who had colon cancer same time as my bc. We don’t talk about cancer. Another casual acquaintance from work for be 3 yrs after me. She’s in remission now. Let’s hope she stays there but we are not close. We aren’t close. Whatch ya gonna do?
0 -
molliefish same here. I work in corporate America and know of two other women within my department who've had bc (one was dx'd when she reported to me). Neither really wants to talk about it and I respect their boundaries. So here's where I come for support or commiseration or answers to questions.
0 -
NotAsCalm, I've been very open about my recurrence, as I was with initial dx. I'm very lucky to have friends who ask how I'm feeling (because its THAT week when I feel bad) or when scans will be and want to know how my tx is affecting me. But I've found (after the initial few months, when I encountered all sorts of problems) that most of conversations have nothing to do with my cancer. We talk about dogs, books, cooking, exercise, hairstyles, etc but they recognize that I've got other things going on beside cancer. I take this as a measure of true friends and I'm thankful for it. I hadn't thought of this aspect, thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Alice, I've had a few friends with BC before & after me, but I don't know anyone dealing with stage 4. So this is where I come for mentors & buddies and understanding.
0 -
I'm glad to have a place to come for cancer mentors. I have my sister and she has me. At first she didn't share a lot so I didn't push, but we seem to be OK now. I have dinner with friends every 3 months or so. Sometimes I think out of the 6 of us, I had to be the 1st through menopause and first one with bc. Covid has kept us apart recently, but I suspect they really don't care to ask how I'm doing now. The stigma of being an early stager is once you're done active treatment you're cured. Well, we all feel differently about that, so at this point, I choose not to share everything on the bc/medical front with friends. Just my daughter and sister. And of course, y'all!
I go Wed. to the MO. I got switched to a new one since the one I started with is no longer coming to the particular location closet to me. I have met him twice. First was at my husbands bedside in the hospital the day he passed. Second was my last appointment, 3 weeks after and my mother in law just passed that morning. He was very kind and said let's just get your Prolia shot and I'll see you next time. Then, no insurance approval for the shot. Got out of there scot free last time! Anyway, I'm nervous and 2nd guessing myself--- should I have stayed with my 1st MO who seemed to know me better, even though it would take a little longer to get there, it's a busier office, longer wait times, etc. etc. Wonder if he'll offer any insight into the MRI results and physical exam?
Most all of my labs look good. No Vit D result back yet. ALK Phos, glucose, and anion gap are over the normal but not by a concerning amount. Points to the bone disorder (osteoporosis) since my other liver readings are fine. My mother was a diabetic, so who knows if I'll be headed down that road!? I'll do an A1C around June before my next GP appt, and I better pass it! Thanks for listening. Surely I'll report back. I absolutely hate this anxious feeling, but it will be over soon!
0 -
I really need to know how all of you do it with all these doctor visits!! I want to be done, I feel fine. I'll call you when something is wrong! That's what I used to do! Ha! Not sure I care for this new MO. My old one knew my case from the beginning, this guy is playing catch up. So, I feel like a number with things being deferred to others. He saw my MRI and said no breast exam, Alleluia -I said fine we know what's going on. Saw that I go back to BS in April. He checked my nodes and listened to my lungs. Only mentioned my glucose. I informed him I have orders from my GP for labs for a June appt that includes an A1C. Then he asked if I was on Prolia, and I said my insurance denied it last time so no. WTF? Can't you see that? He went back through and saw I had 1 shot in Dec. 2019 (which I think my old MO got that thru somehow!) I remember her walking out of the room and giving instructions to someone. He said we'll see if it progresses and talk about it. I know I can't get another DEXA until Dec. of this year, so I just left it alone after that. He did at least read my last DEXA. I guess that's a plus. Dec is a long way away and meanwhile, no treatment. I guess I'm fine with this but not really! He asked about the AI, said I'm taking it and that I do my refills through the portal. So what's left for him to do? That's pretty much how I felt. He totally missed I had no annual CT lung scan this last year. Next I will test the GP, see if he catches it.
Now, I'm good for 2 whole months. I do need to schedule the follow up mammo before BS appt. Then, I have 2 orders for labs-one for an early June appt (GP), and I'll see the MO again in July. I tried to say a year, but he said better to be safe. Jesus. Should I just do these labs together? Even though the MO appt. isn't until late July? It's ridiculous!
The best part of my day was checking out and getting to talk to Cheryl and Anne. We got to know them pretty well during my husbands ordeal. One of the main reasons I wanted to stay with this office.
Thanks for letting me vent once again. If I didn't have this fat necrosis thing and scored well over this last year, surely the BS would release me and I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed still. So, that's my goal. Get released from somebody! Soon. Ugh!
0
