STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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jaycee, yes!
nopink, it sounds as though some of these FB friends are people you should be ghosting. I don't think you are missing much by not getting their feedback.
Congratulations on being vaccinated! I understand how important it is that you have peace of mind knowing that Covid is much less of a risk for you now.
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100% agree! DH gets his first one next week. I am on list and waiting for my appointment notification for my time so hopefully soon. Would be nice to be able to see family again and not on the computer screen. Not the same at all. Know those grandkids are a lot bigger now.
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I think in western culture where not being positive is taboo, we don't really have protocols of how to talk about that pertaining or relating to metastatic cancer and similar subjects (I think cancer and death in general). I think a lot of people just don't know what to say and don't have any social etiquette on the subject to guide them so just avoid the subject all together for fear of saying the wrong thing, though ironically not saying anything is also often the wrong thing.
One of my relatives just completely disappeared when I was going through treatment and while I was not offended or upset by it, I was very surprised because she was the most socially outgoing person I knew.
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Some of you might recall a post I made here a while back about my sister cornering me in an elevator around the time I was diagnosed and asking me to cosign on a loan for her.
I thought I would give an update just to illustrate to always trust your gut.
The doom and gloom scenario my sister painted did not happen at that time. She did not end up getting evicted. To the contrary she somehow managed to fund a vacation, and continued her spending habits and lifestyle as usual.
However.
A few months ago, she made a series of self destructive choices I cannot understand, and as a result, lost her housing, and ended up jobless and without a car, though not exactly homeless because she was welcome to stay with me or other relatives. Anyway at this point I learned that she was broke and had blown through $1 million dollars of her own money in about 10 years, which even in this area is a pretty big sum for someone without financial dependents, and she had apparently already borrowed in to the tens of thousands of dollars from other individuals and financial entitites on top of that. Some of that borrowing was for student loans or to offset medical debt and I know she did try to pay it back, but I came to realize that much of this borrowing was to subsidize her lifestyle, which was not horribly opulent but would probably not meet the approval of most financial advisors and is certainly far beyond my own. Like my idea of splurging pre covid was taking an uber instead of the bus.
Anyway case in point, had I cosigned on that loan she would have defaulted and I would have been stuck with her debt in addition to my medical debt relating to the cancer treatment.
Here's the kicker that makes this relevant to this thread.
In the midsts of this financial armageddon I discovered she was still charging up her cards like she had still had money, buying things she didn't need from places most people in her situation would not shop at and having a difficult time accepting her financial reality in general. And again, against all reason (and the warnings of other relatives), again when I was in the midst of expensive, worrisome health related issues and considering surgery, she asked me to cosign on a loan, insisting she was good with money (?!?) and could pay it back.
I blew up.
Up until this point I had pretty much kept my mouth shut about her life and financial decisions because no one is perfect and each to their own, and I hadn't confronted her on how inappropriate it was when she asked me to cosign on the loan the first time or called her on it when she later took off on a vacation therafter but I had just had it with her sense of entitlement (I'm leaving details out but trust me) and lack of awareness of my financial situation and how I live to get by.
I told her she was out of her mind and how shitty and situation blind it was of her when she asked me to cosign on a loan right after I had been diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized for another issue and was in fear for my life and asked her how she could possibly think I was in any better of a financial situation now (my monthly healthcare expenses now exceed my rent).
I do not get mad easily but this time I was mad. I was frustrated with her poor choices and that she did not seem to consider the impact of those choices on others. I was bewildered that she could possibly think I could subsidize her lifestyle or take on such a big financial risk, and was absolutely tired of her blindness to my own life struggles and situation.
My poor mother heard about it for days.
Anyway my sister ended up apologizing and I forgave her but I hope she attempts to be more cognizant of the situation of others and better considers the potential outcomes of her decisions and actions and the impact on herself and others going forward.
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wC3 - good for you! I love that you focus on her being cognizant of others, instead of her own issues... in doing that you removed a lot of the need for her to respond defensively, and you have a chance of getting through to her. I bet it feels like a great weight has been lifted now that you let it all out
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WC3, your sister sounds like people with substance addictions. I guess spending can be one, too.
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People like WC3’s sister are a big part of why, as a family law paralegal, I always have a steady stream of divorce clients. It is usually only one partner who is really bad with money and debts. A lot of folks bail out to keep from being financially ruined, or at least not any worse off than they already are
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Sisters (any family) can be hard, when it really shouldn't be. I texted my sister yesterday. Did I hear back? No. Brother sent a sibling text first thing this morning and she hasn't answered that one either. Is something up? Or, is she just being herself and living her life? Years ago, our mother called her out on not calling her and dad except for maybe once a month, sometimes longer. Our niece just had a 2nd baby and she did participate in those communications just last week. So, I don't know. She's my sister and I love her, but it does piss me off when she doesn't answer.
My son called early this morning, his girlfriend's father passed away. More death. I do like this girl, she's had a storied life (@26!), which is way too long to share. I may not approve 100% of this relationship, but I also don't insert myself into the relationship or her situation with her family. I try and remain in a supportive role, and listen to my son when he comes to talk to me.
Exhale, on a positive note I guess I'm glad I called for a little help. Only been a few days, but already the noise in my ears and pressure in my head is gone. Feel a little weird but hoping my body/brain will adjust.
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I have three complaints. Not bad for me.
Speaking of sisters, my sister-in-law (DH's sister) just asked DH (in text, she only texts) what my last test results were. Now, this would make sense if she ever asked that before or knew anything about MBC. She doesn't. I posted once several years ago on Facebook (she used to be very active on FB but is not now, draw our own conclusions) that I had a "clean" Pet scan. I realize that was a mistake. She replied, oh, great, now you can go back to your normal life. To answer her most recent question, I would have to tell her the whole seven-year history of my cancer. Don't have the time or inclination. I'm just ignoring her. She does not talk on the phone (me either) or do email, my preferred method of communication. I have no idea how to answer her question in a few sentences which is what she wants.
MO's nurse just called, one I don't know. I am getting the J&J vaccine today. It was offered to me by my PCP last Friday. I called to let MO know and see if he had an opinion or recommendations. The nurse said he doesn't know anything about the vaccines. I expected that but was trying to be a good patient. Sigh. A friend whose husband got the J&J vaccine last Friday said he had fatigue, headache, and stomach ache. Oh, good. I will just feel normal.
The death with dignity bill that I have been working on for a few months may just die because the legislature has run out of time. It was supposed to be heard by a committee this weekend. And we still have the full Senate to get to. I have heard nothing. The session ends on March 20. I am really disappointed, to say the least.
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I miss having friends .. period.... I've always struggled with friendships and people just drifting away as none of us apparently put in effort. I honestly blame myself as much or more as anyone else. always been busy and needing lots of alone time but the results of that are a very narrow circle. Now it's hard to convince people to make friends when you're dying.
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Moth, I've never been good at retaining friends. I guess I didn't get close enought in the first place. But at my last (and longest) place of work, I made some good friends, and thanks to Facebook, we've stayed in touch for several years - some of us post back and forth every day. Until last year, we'd also get together occasionally. And people I didn't know well at work have become good friends. We have people with varying degrees of medical issues in our group of friends and we have lost a few people over the years, at which time we mourn together. As someone who is not particularly social in real life, staying in touch this way has kept my life pretty normal in the last year.
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WC3 I think we all have relatives who are basically what I consider to be selfish and think nothing of others and financially irresponsible. In our family I was oldest and my brother is dumb one. Borrowed so much money from my mom and she had even put a 2nd mortgage on her house to loan it him because they were in danger of being foreclosed on at that point. She did not have money to lend and borrowed on her own to give to him. Has he paid it back? Not a penny. Did he change any habits? Not at all. Went on vacations. Bought every new gadget that comes out and has to have new cars all the time. Mom gave up. When values went up sold her house and changed her will. He gets nothing from her insurance money. She is old now and in an apartment and lives by me. He gets nothing. Don't know he knows that and may be shocked to find out. Not like she has anything left now.
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moth - I feel you on the not making friends thing. I think if you and Iworked together we’d probably be pretty good friends.
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Bcincolorado, I think your mom needs to not only leave him out of the will, but have instructions that specifically exclude him, so he would have a harder time claiming anything in court. At least that is what I remember an estate attorney saying about such situations.
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Ditto on the language specifically excluding him. I have done that with one family member.
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Ditto on the language.
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I think it varies a bit from state to state, re the actual language and structure, but my understanding is that if you don't say something like, "I intentionally omit ________, then there can be a challenge that would favor the omitted person.
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I’ve heard that if you don’t want problems from a person contesting a will if you don’t leave them anything that you leave them a minimal amount and state if they contest the will they get nothing. Definitely see a lawyer.
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Two different things as far as bcincolorado’s brother. She says he gets nothing from her insurance. That is purely based on who her listed beneficiaries are on the policy and does not go through probate.
As to the will, most states have form language that goes in all of them about getting nothing if you contest, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t still do it, and it costs a bunch of money for court and lawyers when they do. Lots of times it boils down to what costs less: negotiation, or mediating and reaching some kind of settlement or continuing spending lots of money on legal fees. Even if it goes all the way to trial and you are awarded your legal fees, good luck collecting them. Best you can hope for is that whoever you won them from owns property that you can file the judgment lien against. If they ever want to sell the property they have to clear your lien.Never underestimate the sense of entitlement a lot of people have. I’ve never worked with a lawyer who didn’t know how to word a person being intentionally omitted from a will. I’ve drafted, witnessed or been the notary on a bunch of them. It is a very common thing.
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Can you have it written to leave the person $.1.00. One dollar. Then instructions of no more?
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The lawyer writing the will knows the best way to do it. Also, probate laws are very different state to state.
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KathinDC - Re putting something in the will that if anyone contests they get nothing: Those clauses in a will are called "in terrorem clauses" and my father had one in his will, saying that if anyone challenged it, all they would get was "the sum of a dollar". Interestingly he was originally from DC. He was told here in "the other Washington" that those clauses are not legally recognized here and in some other places, because they can prevent an actual legitimate challenge from being brought. My father-in-law wanted to exclude someone because he'd given the person a lot over the years, and in that case, he was advised to leave the person a minimal amount and he put in $5,000.00 to prevent a contest. That was in California, and there never was any contest, but I don't think the person involved was even interested, and just accepted that they had received their share differently.
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I currently work in family law, but have done probate and estate planning too. Surprisingly, despite what people perceive, a lot of divorces and other family cases are relatively peaceful and civil, at least after the first month or two after folks have a little time to cool off and settle down. Usually after a decent period of time, a lot of them are just tired of being mad at each other and are ready to buckle down, get it done, settle it and move on.(at least in cases not involving mental illness, personality disorders, or addiction). Abig percentage of family cases never see the inside of a courtroom. Conversely, probate is about 95% peaceful, but the ones that are not tend to be really ugly because of longstanding family issues, angers and sadnesses.
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Think mom went to JAG since she was military spouse and could use them so imagine done with an attorney and valid here at least. No matter what though there are issues. My DH grandma put in hers that if anyone complained about anything they got nothing. she was pretty wealthy and there were 10 kids to split things. They each got a LOT of money. No one should expect anything if you ask me.
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No, they should not, but they do
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Re what MelissaD said about beneficiaries on things like insurance policies being separate from the will: Again, I think it varies from state to state. Washington has something called a "pour over will" I believe (I could be wrong), that allows the person to incorporate those listed as beneficiaries on insurance policies, investment accounts, etc. into the will in such a way that what is listed on the policy or investment account can be negated or altered if the maker of the will wants to do that, depending on various conditions and options they are looking at. They specifically have to create a special will to do this however, otherwise the same thing Melissa noted holds - beneficiaries on insurance and investment accounts are totally separate from the will. It's real important that a person know what they can and can't do in their state, but at the same time it seems like through one vehicle or another most people can accomplish all of the same goals no matter what state they are in. There are just different ways in each state to work around things. That's why it's so important to see a lawyer. We all hear different things and often think we can do things that turn out to not be recognized in our individual states.
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Pour over wills entail trusts, in which case the asset beneficiary would likely be the trust, not an individual, but you are correct that everyone should see an attorney for estate planning. The few hundred bucks you could save by doing Zoom or similar documents may very well cost your beneficiaries manythousands of dollars or not effectuate what you had in mind.
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Yes, I think I have the pour over thing wrong, and now I remember that is attached to a trust. Thanks for explaining, Melissa. (I'm not a lawyer or a paralegal; I'm a social worker, but work in an area (guardianship) where I encounter probate/estate planning things a bit - but mostly for people on Medicaid/Medicare, so trusts aren't involved all that often. People who do what I do interface with lawyers a bit, and for a while the continuing ed seminars for my group were temporarily taken over by the local bar association, so I attended a number of estate planning/probate legal seminars. They were real interesting, but there's the "use it or lose it" aspect and since I don't encounter these situations much, and they are all ultimately dealt with by a lawyer, I haven't retained a lot of detail. I actually have a paralegal certificate too, but it's old and I've never worked for a law office/as a paralegal, so I don't think of myself as having any bona fide legal knowledge, but again, it was the trust and estate stuff that I found most interesting while earning the certificate.
I do think that my state does have something you can do with a will to factor in the beneficiaries from those other plans, though, and I'm assuming other states probably have some way of getting a similar final result. Yes, after all I've learned and with the little I do encounter these issues in my work, it is imperative that people see a lawyer in their state and do not do those online things! They can be real trouble, even for "simple wills" that are the utmost in basic.
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if we're talking wills and estates.....what do you do about property that's currently owned between husband & wife & current situation is that husband will inherit her share.
But wife wants her portion to also go to her adult children, not exclusively to spouse. I understand this would among jurisdictions but I just want to wrap my head aroud what is it I'm even trying to do do & if it makes sense. should children be added to title before death? It just all seems so messy I keep putting it off.
So that's my angry thing. Why do I need to deal with wills & estates?! I don't wanna!
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Moth - I live in a "community property" state, so whatever is owned jointly by spouses is a 50/50 deal, and each spouse can dispose of their property, i.e. their half in any way that they want, e.g. half of the ownership in a house can be willed by one spouse to the children or something. One spouse could give their 50% ownership to anyone they want - it wouldn't have to go to the other spouse. In my state it is often recommended that spouses have separate lawyers so that their individual interests can be dealt with outside of those of their spouse. Again it depends on jurisdiction and I think that states that aren't "community property" have ways of achieving the same/similar outcome, i.e. there is probably some way that you can direct your interests to whoever you want, wherever you are. You're up in BC, right?
So important again to see a lawyer in your area, because all of these things get tricky and they can wind up not going the way you want if you aren't careful.
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