STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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see, I forgot about that phrase community property... Ugh, ok. Lawyer appt at some point. And awkward family conversations, I guess.
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moth, if you want your share of the property to go to adult children, another thing to consider is a provision that allows your husband to remain in the property for as long as he chooses, but upon selling, your half of the proceeds goes to the adult children. This keeps him from getting kicked out of the home, or from having to buy out your share, should one of the kids decide they want the cash proceeds sooner than he anticipated moving. I have a provision like that in my will.
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Ah, thank you Beesie! I think that is exactly what I want.
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Moth - Re what Beesie said: When I was a child the lady next door died and she had willed her share of the house to her two daughters, who could not stand the father (for good reason, I later found out), and they wanted cashed out. He had to get a loan to pay them their share, so that he could stay in the house. I think when you make a provision for someone to stay in the house as long as they remain alive it is called granting them "a life estate".
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BC inCol, I would have to say your skeezy brother is not the stupid one in that scenario, but your mom is. He is very clever. He got what he wanted and he got it for free. That is smart. Crooked and slimy and disgusting, but smart. I have this same situation in my life and it will be a bitter lump in my throat until I die. My mom had great assets which she gave to my brother. To help him. So he could accomplish something in his life. So he could be somebody. When I fought with her to hold onto her assets she told me to go to hell, it was hers and she could do what she wanted with it. Which was true, grossly unfair to me, but true. So it all went to him. Fast forward to her old age.and she is living a very financially restricted life. She needed to move to a different place and did not have the finances to provide housing for herself. My husband and I I loaned her money. We moved her. We cleaned up the new place. We fixed and painted and hauled stuff out and hauled stuff in and removed shrubs and built gardens. We paid for many of these items. My brother didn't show up once. Didn't lift a box, didn't haul garbage. He did bring her a load of garden soil and charged her for it. She paid him.
My mother is stupid. She has been deliberately blind to what a shitwad he has been his whole life. In his teen years his absolute comfort with stealing from her was displayed over and over and over. Yet she wanted to believe, forced herself not to see, what a skid he is. There is no excuse for it, no forgiveness. She had to work really hard to be as blind as she was. She is 100% responsible for not seeing the writing on the wall and painting over it so she could cater to her baby boy. My mom has to budget her grocery money. My brother is worth millions. She is 100% responsible for the entire situation. A million times in our childhood she should have backhanded him so hard he was knocked out of his chair for his unbridled greed. Instead she would literally tell me that if I just put up with having less or going without, it would keep the peace in the family. No such peace should ever be kept. It comes at a terminal cost to everyone involved. My mom betrayed me and betrayed herself and it was done with her eyes wide open. I am mad and it taints all interactions I have with my mom, even though she does not know it and I go out of my way to be civil, decent and responsible. But it's hard knowing she still brags about what a great guy he is while it's my husband who does everything for her, and does it for free. We are not mommy made millionaires. Deliberate stupidity is evil. (my mom has made sure in her will that if she has $10 left, darling brother gets half of it)0 -
Wow runor, your brother is a right shit.
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Runor,
Have you ever heard that old saying, what goes around comes around? Or karma will get you? I've never believed either of those. Your brother is proof of how false those sayings are. I prefere the Bible quote of God makes the rain to rain on the just and the unjust. There's no guarantee of justice in this world only the next.
De
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Runor, sounds like my mom’s youngest brother. Aside from paying most of their bills he was taking my 90 year old grandfather to the bank to get signature loans to give him yet more money. Mom and her siblings had to get a guardianship on grandad to get him out of brother’s evil clutches
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runor I give you tons of credit for being a civil daughter. That can’t be easy. That is, in my humble opinion the right choice. I pray when it’s her time she goes fast and you don’t end up a caregiver to her. Make your brother pay for one. Don’t do it unless you feel you must. No shame in that. I learned the hard way with mother in law. Could not understand how her off spring (lots of them!) refused to help when she needed it. It was the old, well she this or that. She beat us. Whatever.
I moved back home after my dad died suddenly to be with my mom. I did put out to my siblings right away I wasn’t doing it alone, and we were all in agreement Looking back and having the in law experience after that made me realized how important it is to kinda know or try to plan for our parents care as they age It’s really really hard Especially when they’re losing their minds and bodily functions.Melissa Dallas-that’s terrible and I’m sure took time and a pretty penny I never knew there was such a thing as Elder Care Attorneys
I’m so sorry for those of you going through mid life, parents aging, all after a cancer diagnosis yourselves. I still miss my parents at times, will always miss hubs, but I also strive to do my best til the end.
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Mom realized she was dumb to trust him. No one wants to think their kid would treat them that way. Just like when you are ill and people are not there to support you that you think should be. It is so sad how many people flee from a cancer diagnosis because they can't deal with it.
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Ctmb, at the end of the day I have to look myself in the mirror and be able to stand the person I see. It would never sit right with me if I exited my mom's life and did not help her or be in contact with her out of peevish anger over her lifetime of favoritism. I do get mad, I AM mad. But I suck it up and stay involved because I know that if my daughter turned her back on me, it would kill me. So with that in mind I know that I have the power to deeply hurt my mom by being uninvolved, and I think that would be an unforgivable cruelty. I am trying to have grace. But I really suck at it.
Ddfair, I agree, the idea that harm comes to those who deserve it is a load of hooey. My brother has been a crook and dick and has lived a much better life than I have, on my mom's dime.
Edj, you have no idea!
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"I am trying to have grace. But I really suck at it"
runor, that's perfect. I'm trying too. And I suck at it too. I think there are quite a few of us.
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Oh yes. I do try. I often fail, alas.
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You know, the one thing I keep going back to, that ties into the elder abuse angle and my uncle and his wife preying on my grandfather. What the hell was the bank thinking, and why did they never raise any kind of alarm? Grandmother was the “business” person in their relationship before she died. She paid all the bills and was quite an astute investor. I am kind of surprised he still knew how to write a check. My grandparents were pretty well to do-he was a physician, plus there was family land with oil and gas wells, plus leased crop land they got percentages of crops. Why in the world did the (long term) bank not immediately recognize something was very wrong when someone started dragging a 90+ year old retired doctor who lived in a VERY nice neighborhood in to get signature loans, and even refinance his paid for truck??? He had perfectly adequate day-to-day non invested income, but they were taking so much from him he had to borrow to give them more. still makes me angry
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Melissa - In all my work in guardianship, I've never known of an abuse case where it was the bank who first alerted people. It's usually a concerned neighbor or relative. Also, the local prosecutors have said that these kinds of cases are really hard to prove when they are brought. It winds up being one person's word against another. Also, the abusive relatives, in this case your uncle, usually plead that "Dad wanted us to have this", "Dad always paid for our ________", and such, and there is no way to really prove otherwise. The prosecutors say they have to come up with real hard evidence, receipts, etc. before they can take action on these cases. My experience is that the banks actually are happy to see a younger family member come in and "help" the older, declining one. They seem to have their own standards of when to alert authorities, and they don't match up with those of lawyers, Adult Protective Services, etc.
Interesting, my father was failing a bit in his late 80's, (my mother was gone by then) and he still went to the bank alone, but he would tell me how the bank employees would almost "swarm" him as "here comes the old guy that has a whole lot sitting here in cash" and that they would try to get him to invest with them, get commissions off of him, etc. He still seemed to have the presence of mind to fend them off and tell them no. He had that cash there for a reason and as part of a well crafted investment plan that he had and thank goodness until about the last year of his life (he died at 91) he was still mostly able to sort things out and keep things straight. Your poor grandfather!
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Threetree, I’m in the business too, and I’ve never seen it either, but they are in the perfect position to recognize that someone is at least borderline incompetent to do crazy things they are doing. We had to do the “big” evaluations on him, because it was, at face, rather hard to determine his level of competency.
My Mom’s older sister, as executor, had the last laugh on a few of those loans because she told the bank she wasn’t paying them out of the estate. If they sued she would be perfectly happy to tell the probate judge how they allowed him to be preyed on. They did not sue for the balances
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Melissa - Good for your mother's older sister! Banks are usually of no help with these things, and they often also throw a wrench in the works too.
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So, I have nothing to vent about today. The anti-depressant is working. I don't know why I thought I was strong enough to "handle" things. Apparently, I am not. As always, I waited until I literally felt like my head was going to explode before doing something about it. Always thinking it's something else, like seasonal depression. My one ear was ringing, had pressure behind that ear, started to be affected by noises, advil wasn't working. But, this little pill in the first day my ear stopped almost completely, by day 3 the pressure in back of my head was gone. I think my body was really going through some stress while I kept trying to get through each day. Well, no more. The few people I've told have been nothing but supportive. One friend thought I was already taking something. I told her I was faking it.
In reading up on this medication, I don't see any real bad side effects, or links to bc. Tamoxifen maybe, but not the AIs. I don't know how long I will need this. I imagine several months to a year to maybe forever? Still learning about this episode in my life. Thanks all for listening once again.
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Just wanted to send a hug, ctmbsikia. You've had such a rough go of it lately. Glad the antidepressants are working for you. I had to take citalopram for about ten months after losing a dear friend to stage IV triple negative cancer. It got me through a bad time. My cancer friends and I call it better living through chemistry.
Take care. And vent away when you have to.
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ctmbsikia....Reaching out for help takes an enormous amount of strength. I am very proud of you for doing so and very happy that you are getting some much needed relief from the med. You have been through hell and I think have shown perseverance and strength through all of it. But there comes a point when, no matter how strong we are, we are pushed beyond what we can adequately handle on our own. It is then that we must summon even more of our waning strength to reach out and get help. Many hugs.
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Yay!! to having nothing to vent about today, ctmbsikia. A virtual hug is coming your way from me too!
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Thank you all. Sorry to say my ok day just went to more death. Just got word my friend and former co worker’s brother has died. 62. Recovering alcoholic his organs failed him. My husband smoked and drank beer too. It killed him, but I don’t blame him. All he ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. After 35 years I think we gave that to him and I’m so glad I made the choices I did. I could have walked away. It was hard as I know my friend has it hard as well. I’ll send her something and reach out but this was a shock. She just checked on me over the weekend and I told her about being medicated now I just can’t believe this although i know I should. She helped me so much when my cousin who died at 50 from opiate abuse in the years we were co workers. This was 2 months after my father died suddenly and I was then thrust into caregiver mode for mom. I know she’s crushed. Her bestest friend is there and is the one who told me. Both of them have been great to me. I feel so bad.
I think we may find in years to come that the excessive death rate from covid will also be tied to folks out there with other mental Heath issues and being isolated. While I realize my friends have elderly parents, some friends have cancer, others substance abuse when you throw a pandemic on top, it’s a little much
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ctmbsikia
to you! You have been through so much and have support of everyone.0 -
ctmbsikia, I'm so sorry. My condolences to your friend. Too much death around.
I agree that the fall-out from Covid will go well beyond the direct Covid deaths. Effects on mental health, delayed diagnoses, delayed surgeries and treatments... there have been and will continue to be many indirect deaths. Not enough attention has been paid to this.
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A little Cranky, not too bad. I was going to go see my Mom tomorrow. First time since 24 December. Before that I saw her in September. Since Sunday we've had 2 of our team mates test positive and one more symptomatic. I'm sure that I have been spared once again, but I just can't take the chance. I talked with her and she's good. She gets it. It's one of those time where we can't just take it back. Sure all will be great if I don't have it but, holy Hannah.... what if I did..... i can't take it back. COVID. The gift that keeps giving..... maybe on the weekend. Otherwise all is well..... 😊
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Oh molliefish! Do not blame you for being careful! COVID Is awful and not something to mess with. I am getting mad at the morons who are can get a shot and are refusing to get it. The virus does not care what your politics are it will kill you all the same. Just like cancer does. It hits everyone the same no matter what you believe politically. I think the people who are are dumb like that do not deserve to use of any medical care resources or have insurance companies pay for anything or when they die either from it. My two cents. So tired of people who ignore stuff and then can't believe it is that bad. Have an Uncle who refused to see a doctor at all and is Stage IV cancer now. If he had gone when he first felt bad it probably would have been caught a lot sooner and his life longer. Mom mad at her brother because he was dumb even though he is dying now.
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I'm not sure where to post this, so will post on multiple threads. I am so discouraged, depressed, angry as I explore getting different treatment options, including clinical trials. This is the third BC for me. Is each one "new" or did the original beat the treatment? I'm not sure if any of the treatments worked. Just talked to MD Anderson and they indicated they would not do anything different unless it was shown that the new treatment I just started fails. They would not consider me for clinical trials either. Is this generally the way it is with getting 2nd opinions on treatment options? Dec 2019 showed metastasis through skin, but nothing found in organs. Do I have to wait for it to show up in organs before other treatment is considered? That is so wrong.
2009 ER+ left breast. 52 yrs. Lumpectomy, Sentinel node removal, negative. Radiation 6 weeks, tamoxifen 5 years. Dense lumpy left breast, normal right.
2016 ER+ left breast. Probably a new cancer, but unknown. 4 rounds TC Aug-Oct 2016, Bi-lateral (my choice) Nov 2016, no reconstruction. 2 sentinel nodes remove, negative. ). Anastrozole 1 mg starting May 2017. Joint issues noticed immediately. Stopped Anastrozole after 3-4 months due to joint stiffness in. After several months of no AIs, fingers were feeling better. Started tamoxifen March 2018.
6/2019 Swelling in opposite arm, urgent care, no clot, lots of fluid. Scans, biopies etc, new tumor R-axilla Dxed 8/2019, ER + 85%. Start Ibrance/Arimidex 9/2019. CTs suggest Ibrance working. With LE and compression pumps starting to get control over lymphedema.
12/2020 - noticed "rash" and thickening, had been noticing loss in range of motion which I attributed to an old injury and getting older. DR says Ibrance/Arimidex not working anymore. Cancer has spread all over chest area in skin, PET did not find anything in organs. Lymphedema getting very bad.
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oh bluegirl you have every right to be blue over this. Not fair. Cancer is awful and does not care who it hits or when. Hopefully you have a good medical team you are working with this you have been through this already. I know where I did PT after my mx they had a specialist who dealt with breast cancer patients there and lymph issues. Make sure to talk to your MO about it ASAP.
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Blue girl, Sorry you are going through this. I can’t offer advice just support. What are you on? Did they remove the last tumor? Have you had radiation on that side
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I haven't looked at this forum for over a year. Shame on me! I think I just wanted to block reality. Ctmbsika-- don't ever be ashamed of being on an antidepressant. They certainly can help, sometimes our brains just need a kick start. And you certainly have been thru the wringer. I go on and off them all the time. But please don't stop taking without tapering the dosage over time. It's not good stop abruptly. Blue girl so sorry for your troubles. Sometimes it's hell trying to decide the best course of action ( I realize this statement is of no help to you). BC in Co -- my SIL ripped off my MIL for thousands. You just have to hope karma gets them. Everyone stay safe from covid. We don't need more shit to deal with.
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