STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Spookiesmom, I put pennies in the ground at the base of gravestones when I visit my family's graves. It started when we were in a city on vacation where my maternal grandparents are buried, and I didn't have anything for them. We had some new pennies with us, so I stuck those down so they'd know someone was there that year (I'm an atheist who believes in a non-religious afterlife). I started doing that at other cemeteries, and even on a long trip that included several generations of graves. Seven years ago, our sweet little dog Hilts had to be assisted over the rainbow bridge, and the last thing I told him was to let us know when he reached Grandpa. I didn't want to go home to an empty house so Hubby and I stopped to get something to eat just to pass time. As he got out of the car, there was a bright brand new penny on the ground, with a dent that looked just like a small tooth had bitten into it. I keep it with a lock of his hair that I clipped that morning.
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Awwwwww good puppy!!
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I had not heard of that tradtion so that is interesting to hear of that one. When we were able to travel (pre COVID which we can't right now) we often like to go to historical sites and often go to old cemetaries as well that really old. It is interesting to see them from the early days of the country. Makes me wonder in a hundred years or so what people will think of ours.
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This was a VERY old family plot in my front yard up north. There are a few more markers, justthis one still standing.
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I do family genealogy and did it with my cousin who has since died of BC. We would visit old cemeteries looking for relatives but also to see some of the really old grave markers. One cemetery in our hometown has ones dating back to the 1700's that are flat but raised above the ground. They provided so much historical info such as age, relationships and COD. Many are getting difficult to read since the stones (type of stone as well) are eroding from the rigors of the environment. The stone above is lovely and I wish someone would stabilize it before it too falls. One of my DB"s worked for a company that engraved stones as a teenager; this would have been a very expensive stone with that amount of engraving and this man was well-respected for his endeavors.
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I don’t know much about this. When my dad bought all the land to develop the subdivision, he tried to move the cemetery. The state said no. Apparently the land was part of the Jones family farm. Was common I think to have your family buried on your property somewhere. So dad fenced it off. A local DAR put the plaque on his marker.
Not many in the area know about it. Used to freak me out on Halloween.
It’s ironic the marker is still there, the house my dad built in late 50s was torn down and replaced with a bigger one.
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These pictures are from a cemetery in Barre
Vermont. We love stopping to tour the old ones! The town was considered the granite capital. Many Italians and Scottish stone masons came here at the turn of the century to work. There are so many elaborate stones. Sorry I don't know how to make the pictures smaller. I think leaving a coin or a stone at a grave site is a Jewish tradition.
Spookiesmom, that is a wonderful stone and in such great shape.
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Vandercat - I was so pissed off when I was diagnosed with breast cancer! I also have depression and had been put on a new drug just a couple of months before (Trintellix). I was depressed, but I think my anger took over - and my depression hasn't been a huge deal for me. Now, my anger is another story!!
I have been on anti-depressants for a long time - probably at least 20 years, and I was very concerned that I would slide into the worst depression of my life. Instead, with my anger right beside me and my depression next to that, I decided that I was going to start a new life with this shitty cancer stuff! Still angry every damn day! But I am not depressed every day. Got a new haircut, stopped dying my hair, have been losing weight, and walking almost every day.
There are good days and bad days, but my advice is just to take one day at a time. We have no control over anything - which pisses me off! And use your anger!! It's a great tool for me!!
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mfrube58 - I gather you saw my very first post in this forum. I spent from that date in January until three days ago in some sort of a state. It was mostly pretty unrelenting, and felt like a roller coaster that only went down. But the surgery went well February first, I only had the tiniest DCIS, my surgeon was good and I have healed well. As of Valentine's day the BS has said he'd see me in six months. I am not getting any further treatment - I was cleared by the RO on Friday, and wasn't referred to an MO.
So I should be all relieved but my body is still vibrating from the tension and anxiety I held close for six weeks. I am meditating and exercising daily and trying to think good thoughts. I agree with your suggestion of taking one day at a time, I call it putting one foot in front of the other (shorter term, smaller scale). I hope you have more good days than bad. Stay strong!
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KIDI919, what beautiful photos and what a beautiful cemetery. I remember in one of the Anne of Green Gables books when she goes off to college and there's a beautiful cemetery in the town where she likes to visit. I'm in San Diego where we have Fort Rosecrans Cemetery. It's a beautiful cemetery. All the headstones are uniform. It's quite sobering to look at all of them.
Mfrube58, thank you for sharing your experience. Depression and anger – we get it, we understand. I did have to chuckle when I read your "use your anger for good" comment. It made me think of what's-his-name in The Incredible Hulk when he says, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
Vandercat, even the "tiniest DCIS' can send you into a tailspin. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Whether it's cancer or pre-cancer, the word "CANCER" is still in there and it can be frightening. I'm glad your surgery went well, and I hope that the time between now and when you see your BS again is relatively peaceful.
(((hugs)))
Carol
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This is my favorite memorial stone anywhere. It's for an 11-year-old who had cerebral palsy. What a statement.
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WOW
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WOW, is right! That brought tears to my eyes!
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What a wonderful heartfelt memorial!
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My father in law grew up in "holler" in W. VW and there is an old family plot back there and every year they would have a big family runion and everyone would go clean up the graves and maintain them. My DH grand parents are there we know. The main family moved to town though now and out of the holler now where there is actually electrricity and running water and actual plumbing. There are some old die hards still up there though living off grid in the old ways in the holler out there.
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That is a stunning memorial to a beloved little boy. Philadelphia has a very historical cemetery where they conduct tours to highlight some of the notables buried there as well as some of the most magnificent grave markers that money could buy. I have not yet done it due to work commitments in the past but plan on adding it to my "to-do" list now. People use to picnic in this cemetery in the early 1900's.
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I'm finding that MBC is a journey. My social worker said I would go through the stages of grief, and it's so strange, because I really am. I went from feeling like I could die tomorrow to now where I'm hearing that MBC isn't an immediate death sentence. I've seen people on this site that have lived for years with it. This should be a relief, but for some reason, I'm stuck in this funk and it just feels like it's just dragging things out. I'm trying to re-frame my thinking and make the most out of each day, and be grateful for it, but at the same time I'm struggling with finding joy in anything. Over the last month or so, I'm starting to come out of that funk a little bit, but it's still there. Like this big dark cloud over my head. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to live with MBC. I'm really encouraged by all the messages and articles I'm finding on this website, though. Hoping this funk is just part of the coping process and will go away soon so I can enjoy the time I have.
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I find the whole pressure to live life to the fullest and make every moment count and be happy stuff incredibly stressful. Ffs, I know the clock is ticking! I don't need this added pressure and feeling like I'm doing terminal cancer wrong
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Moth, thank you!
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sbelisabeth, what a beautiful memorial.
Betrayal, you're right, at one time cemeteries were created to also serve as a public park and people would even picnic there. Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta, GA holds concerts and other special events and they also give guided tours. The cemetery was originally created for leisure outdoor gatherings as well as for burial. So many cemeteries are beautiful.
bcincolorado, I'd love to know where at in WV your grandparents lived as I am right across the river from it and my late father in law hails from down hoopy.
Scarlett, it looks like you just got diagnosed with mbc. You're right, it's a journey, can be a roller coaster ride and hopefully you can reach a point where it is something like keeping your balance while riding the waves in the sea of life. Be good to yourself. It's understandable to be in a funk with an mbc diagnosis. It took me at least a year, and a prescription for antianxiety meds, to come to terms with a new normal. I continue to make adjustments along the way.
A few tips: simplify things in your life where you are able. I simplified housework and stopped giving so much energy to superficial relationships. More recently I'm learning to say no more often to things I don't want to do. Then, add more of what you really want to be doing into your life. It's all a process. I'm still learning to allow myself to ask for more from life. I don't mean going big and splashy. For me, what matters is to live a meaningful life. Sure, I did more traveling at first, but I also have picked up hobbies here and there, learned to savor delicious food, allow myself to seek out and soak in the beauty of lovely landscapes. One of my favorite things is to take my time and not be rushed. Can't always do that but appreciate when I can.
You might like the thread Life does not end with a stage IV diagnosis (really!). One of the discussions there was about the pressure to make the most of each day. I put my thoughts down on the following page (somewhere in the middle), and others added their own take. You might find it of interest: https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/818931?page=115
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well said moth
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scarlett feel free to vent here anyttime about anything here and we support everyone here. Virtual hugs to you.
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Moth, you do have a point. I fluctuate back and forth.( being thankful or waiting for the other shoe to drop) I went on an antidepressant again this year. The black cloud is exactly how I describe the feelings I have. Perfect description Scarlettx.
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selfishly not reading any recent post, but I have to vent.
Sitting w 11 playing a game and my stupid stretched boob hurts. It's been a year of "mom can't because...". Yesterday I was really tired for no reason and said, "you know I don't love cooking, but I always make passable dinners ( DH is a chef and often does the honors). I just really don't feel like it today.' 11 said "mom, you had surgery recently! It's ok. Let's order pizza"
I am so torn. Surgery was 7 weeks ago! I should be being a mom. Also, surgery was 7 weeks ago. I am in pt to do a fraction of the things I could do before.
Cancer feels like 'the job' and everything else- my career, my family... is the extracurricular.
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Dancemom, would you consider reassessing what it means to be a mom? Does dinner only count if you prepare it with your own hands? Is it “cheating” if you order take-out to feed your kids? We don’t have to swallow what society tells us makes up a good mother. If your kids are fed, then good. Where the food comes from seems incidental.
I have a few mantras I try to keep in mind. Here’s one: “Less is more”. It really is. A mom doesn’t have to do all the things. AND a mom is allowed to lighten her load. That leads me to the other mantra, “Work smarter, not harder”. Many tasks can be simplified, streamlined or delegated. Don’t think of ordering take out as a cop out, consider it a smart choice!
I’m getting better at recognizing the signs of when I’m taking on too much, and when that happens, I reevaluate, make adjustments, eliminate the unnecessary. Without guilt.
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So true Devine. Well said.
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thanks divine
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dancemom it is tiring. It is good your family is realizing that as well. I feel for everyone who has kids at home still and trying to be a mom to them as well and know how that "mom guilt" creeps in on you sometimes. Hang in there and you have a lot to keep you going it sounds like.
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Dancemom- DivineMrsM's post is spot on, and the best part is your 11yo can already see that. Cut yourself some slack, it's okay to lower the bar when you need to.
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