CRAZY TOWN WAITING ROOM - TESTS coming up? All Stages Welcome.
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You ladies just crack me up!!!
hahahahaha Octo, That's too funny!!!
Sula, I actually made eggplant tonight! I made an eggplant, squash and zucchini casserole with garlic brown sugar chicken. I'm so mad at myself....I wanted to take a picture but forgot!! My brain has been like Swiss cheese the past few days!! Can't wait to hear your dinner party stories!!! Take pictures!!
Gaia, I'm sorry you're in pain. Did the acupuncture help today?? Gentle hugs to you!! I'm sure our official hugger will be along soon!!
I'm so out of it I missed welcoming our newbie!!! Shorfi, you slipped in here without me noticing!! Welcome to our crazy thread!! Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable. We are so happy to have you here!!
Tomboy, I often think about all those nodes you had out. I think you may be in the running for the queen of nodes. I should make you a node crown. Or maybe a cape??? I often feel like we are human pinatas.
Rain, Thinking of you tonight and I hope you're able to get comfortable. This is for you!! I thought it was so pretty and the raindrops reminded me of you.
Rose, I know you started your AI today. I hope you RO consult goes well tomorrow!! We will be in your pocket making our normal racket. We will try and contain Katy's crumbs.
Sunshine, I've got your exchange surgery down for the 25th???
It's a busy week for all the crazies!!! If I've forgotten anyone, please let me know!! I don't like to leave ANYONE out, but occasionally my brain malfunctions just a wee bit.
Love you all. Rest well my sweet sisters.
UGGG!! Edited for typos.
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As I've mentioned (in fact it kicked off my pretend-for-hubby's-sake-it was-a pity-party-but-really-I-Just- needed-time-to-myself weekend in the City) I have one suture area from my lx and nipple removal that just did not want to heal....well, visited the bs this afternoon for my weekly check in on that (a tedious process, because it is 60 miles one way to her office, a very boring drive in the heat through dusty farmlands, and the visit typically lasts all of five or ten minutes for her to pronounce that it is better and to come back in another week for another check, to suggest new ways to bandage (I've developed an adhesive sensitivity and was starting to have problems with surrounding skin), and me to say 'are you sure it is really doing better.?.'....ANYWAY, at today's visit she said it really is almost healed (and for once, I agree) AND I don't have to go back to see her for two weeks!!! Woohoo! Happy Dance!!!
and taste is coming back from chemo round one, so what else to do to celebrate but eat ice cream. A pint of Cherry Garcia later I am hoping my stomach doesn't hate me later...oh well. I feel like a kid. Don't know if that is good or bad.
Yes, it does seem like a small issue compared to what some are going through, but still, nice to feel things are going right for once. Other than my tendency to overdo the ice cream of course...
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Christine- well, since you asked: I have fallen down the rabbit hole. I fell so fast and so hard, in a matter of hours, it was like losing the brakes in an elevator shaft.
I don't know why. I've not felt this depressed since dx. No amount of the pain or fear or uncertainty has produced a depression of this magnitude. I noticed I almost felt sick in the hospice class. By the time i got home I tried to escape into a movie and then a book. All I could do was stare at the wall. Then I cried. Then I stared at the wall.
It could be a delayed reaction to the trauma with my friend. It could be the Tamoxifen. It could be that I'm a very brittle bipolar whose been borderline manic for weeks and I finally had to bring myself down with the elephant gun in my medicine cabinet. It doesn't really matter. I see my shrink in two days. I have never been able to get to the point where I can say "ok, I'll see you in six months and I'll call you if there's a problem".
I sit in judgement with myself. I think how can I offer anything to anyone if I'm so unstable? I'm afraid anything I ever say or any actions or thoughts about myself that I ever report will always be compared through the template of my illness.
I'm a fraud. Or feel like one at the moment. I don't know what else to say right now. Thanks for listening.
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Sending hugs, Katy. In your pocket.
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Jack,
Sorry you followed Alice down the rabbit hole but know that all of us denizens of Crazy Town are there for you. You always are so present for all of us, and thoughtful. I wish I could be more eloquent and know what to say....my younger sister was bipolar and I know how tough that can be and the delicate dance of hormones and meds and how tricky it can be to keep everything balanced. Anyway, we've all got your back and there are no office hours in Crazy a Town... We're open all night
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Katy, Something compelled me to log on to BCO at this late hour. I typically don't.
I'm never very good with words. Your post makes me want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug you've ever had.
My dear Katy, I know you can't see it now, but your bright guiding light shines for all of us. You're a lighthouse for so many here on BCO.
We are told that our physical side effects are cumulative. Once treatment is over, we find it's no different with the mental aspect of this process. Our bodies are in survival mode when we are going through treatment. We have little time to process the emotions. Once treatment is over a huge uncontrollable wave of WTF just happened hits us. It takes awhile for our minds to catch up. Please be gentle with yourself. It really does get better.
Please take comfort in knowing we all love you, are here for you, and you ALWAYS have a soft place to land.It was always worse for me at night. Tomorrow is a bright new day.
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Katy.. So sorry you are feeling down.. You are a lovely, warm person, who lifts so many others through your warm, thoughtful words.. The stress you've been under with your friend would be adding to stress levels for sure. Thank goodness that it's all sorted now.
Octogirl.. So happy you got good news today.. and there's no better way to celebrate than with ice-cream :-)
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hello ladies,
I am 5 days post op with BMX and immediate DIEP recon. When my emotions become overwhelming, I try to use a sailing analogy my sister shared with me.
When sailing in rough seas sometimes the only thing you can do to "survive" the storm is to tie everything down and stear the boat directly INTO the storm. You just ride it out by facing the hardest waves head-on. You must stay focused, use the sailing skills you were taught and know that the storm won't last forever.
When I was in the hospital on day three, one of my daily "storms" was building and I was trying very hard to not lose control. The pain was overwhelming and the tears began to flow. My nurse came into my room, sat with me on the edge of my bed and said "just hold on, you are SAFE".
Those were the trigger words I needed to help me remember the sailing analogy. I closed my eyes and imagined my ship facing directly into these monster waves. It helped give me strength to endure the "storm" quicker and with less fear. Soon, the "storm" was over and I felt "normal" again.
I hope this analogy helps some of you as well. Be the captain of your own ship. Together, we CAN do this.
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Sweet Sister Katy.
You do not need to figure out why you feel the way you are feeling right now. Be very gentle with yourself. we can hardly begin to know what toll the ups and downs the sheer fact of gravity has on us, much less all the other things that come with living life in a body on this planet. Relationships. meds. hormones. food. noise. lights. the sunrise. The beauty and the madness of it all, equally, impact our nervous systems.
I hear you have "fallen down the rabbit hole" and that you feel like a 'fraud", so now you 'sit in judgement' of yourself. It is so painful how we become our own villains at times. The rabbit hole can be a magical place after all.
Turning to the 'medicine cabinet' was self care. Crying, and you don't need me to tell you this, but I'll remind you, is the best medicine. i would invite it and maybe call your shrink and see if you can speak for a few moments before Thursday/Friday. Why do you feel you need to get to the point of 'ok I'll see you in six months" ? We can't possibly expect ourselves to navigate the vicissitudes, that living in a body on planet earth present us with, alone. Know this. Be gentle, you don't have to be the hero of anything.
And, please KNOW that what you offer from your heart is so perfectly wise and true BECAUSE of what challenges you. Wisdom and strength arise from being fragile at times. It is true.
I cherish your wise ways. Please reach out for whatever you need.
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Morning all,
A gentle hug to all my adopted sisters here.
Woke up with a stiff neck this morning and can't turn my head to the right very far before I feel pain. Must have slept wrong. Just about killed me to wash my hair this morning. Put icy hot on it and took Advil to ease the pain, I hope. Icy hot so far hasn't done a blasted thing. Might have to put some Watkins Liniment on it and see if that does the trick. Always helped me with the aches and pain when I was going through chemo.
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Sula. Just a quick note if you get into talking about heceptin with stage 4. I am also on tamox because of er/pr positive so technically not herceptin only
And thanks for feeding the MO so we can all have virtual consultations.
How do you come to know him
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Katy, so sorry for what you're going through. Be well.
Just popping up to say I'm ok and will post more when I'm home and have my laptop. Typing properly on the iPad is for the birds!
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rain, so glad you are ok, and look forward to an update.
Katy, Dear Wise Shaman of Crazy Town: I hope today brings you closer back to the sun and out of the rabbit hole (though as Gaia points out, even the rabbit hole can be magical. Take her words to heart. She is another wise sister). You are indeed a shining light to all of us. We love you.
M0mmyof2: hope your neck is better soon!
Octogirl.
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Oh, Katy, so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand as I have my times too. Listen to what Gaia says. Words of wisdom. My daughter is bi-polar, so I know how it works. Try to make yourself take Jack and go for a walk on the coast. Easier to sit home and cry, but really try to go through the motions to get yourself out. Wish I was there to give you a hug and walk with you. God bless you.
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Must....be something in the air, or the thought of the end of summer being today, which made yesterday seem like an ending.
I cried on and off yesterday at everything.....even the damn commericals........watching the Pope.............just an all around bad day.......is it catchy........
I have Bobby today, so it is a better day, but I know I can't shake this feeling of doom.....the house, winter coming, wondering sometimes if my kids know I exist......not a day went by that I didn't call my mother, but that was me...........
Not sure if that helps, but maybe its something in the air........hugs to all of you..........0 -
Neck is still bugging me, no matter what I do to try and ease the pain. If it still is like this tonight, I'll have hubby give me a massage.
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Good Morning Crazies,
Octo, YAY for your two week break from the long road to your BS. Happy to hear your taste is coming back.You're my Cherry Garcia sister. One of my all time favorites!! The problem is once I start, it is difficult for me to stop. Definitely one of my trigger foods!!!
Westphal107, Welcome to our thread.!!
So very kind of you to make your entrance comforting another sister. Glad you joined us. Best wishes for quick healing from your surgery. It must be such a comfort to have a sister that cares so much. Thanks for sharing her analogy with us.
Gaia, Beautiful words of wisdom for Katy.
M0mmy, I hope your neck starts feeling better soon. I just hate when that happens.
Rain, Thinking of you and I'm glad you checked in. Sending speedy healing thoughts your way!!
Katy, Thinking of you this morning.
Ducky, You've got so much going on. Things being up in the air can be so unsettling. Plus, the loss of Fuzzy on top of everything else. Some days it can be so overwhelming. Love you.
I think we should all eat some chocolate cake. Cake always makes it better. Then we can make a big fire and burn all the crappy stuff.
Love to all.
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Jackbirdie, are you volunteering at the Hospice class? I hope so. If that is an optional activity for you, may I suggest maybe this would be a good time for an extended break? Maybe play with animals at the Humane Society or work with horses at a rescue. . . something uplifting and not so overwhelming.
I am a caregiver type person myself. I am in my glory when I feel like I am helping people. But all the losses I've been through the past four years, including my mom and my dad, and so many friends (what is going ON, does everyone get cancer?), it can really tip the scales to sadness and madness.
Also, I found when there is even a news story about assisted suicide or developments on cancer research, my heart starts racing as people describe how their disease progressed. Click click click. I'm not going to listen to that. Make a happy bubble with good thoughts and rewards, time for a massage maybe...
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Next point: I forgot to tell any folks who live near Tacoma or Seattle, south of there is a place called Harmony Hill, and they have a free retreat for cancer patients, right there on the Hood Canal. Like a wonderful weekend with great food and workshops for coping. I just realized now I qualify. Yippee! Here's a blog about it:
https://petefarrupdate.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/th...
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I'm doing so much better than when I first dropped in. All I am waiting on now is a sentinel node biopsy on Oct. 22 and then I can start treatment when the pathology comes in. I even have my first handshaking appointment with the radiation doctor after the surgery.
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Does anyone know how long it would be before I could get on a plane to Vegas or someplace fun after a Senintel Node Biopsy?*
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Also trying to decide if I should try to take time off my work after the surgery... will it affect my typing? Will I be on pain pills or be in too much pain to think? And finally, was thinking I might try to take the whole month of November off while I am doing radiation... just to get a breather from the pace I've been on.*****
Sometimes I find myself thinking that my husband who is in the best shape of his life right now at 62 should find someone who is healthier than me. He is someone who is maybe not as independent as he should be. I just don't see him doing ok if things don't work out in a few years longevity-wise. He's been a pretty good support, I am not complaining, but I know him well and I can tell you having a sick wife would not work out too great. Well it's not like I can just make him go away and reattach to someone else . . . so I guess these are just silly thoughts running amok in my head.
April
*I had to have a surgical excision biopsy due to discordant U/S guided biopsy, that's why we have to go back in JUST for the nodes
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Jacqu, I hope that maybe some of April's thoughts might be good for you. Not sure if it all over but it seems that the animal shelters near me are constantly asking for volunteers so maybe that would be good for you? I am thinking about volunteering myself, a neighbor keeps asking me to adopt a pet but I have nasty allergies and reluctant so thinking a part time pet might be good?
just got off the phone with the Medicare folks, dang this is all confusing but I must say, when you call, they seem to very helpful and nice! I am trying to get an extension for my PT and just found out I need to do a doctor visit first, can do that but I am so into avoiding surgery or shots and have been helped by the PT
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Katy - thinking of you today. I'm so sorry you fallen in that hole. I'm not bipolar, but have plenty of experience with depression. I agree with the ideas that SEs - both physical and mental are cumulative. I'm holding you in the light - as my good friend always says!
April, the retreat sounds wonderful! I've had similar thoughts about my own DH - so overwhelming to think about all the possibilities.
My surgery is a week from today, and oddly, I don't feel too crazy just yet. I'm sure that will change.
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Jackie, ((Hugs)) I'm glad you posted your thoughts and feelings. When enveloped in the darkness of depression, it takes great effort to do anything.... get out of bed, eat, turn on the computer.... let alone post to this thread. It's great that you know yourself so well that you know when your meds are necessary. I hope you are able to push yourself into doing the things that you know help you feel better. Slowly, it will make a difference in how you feel. I want to let you know that you are not a fraud and have valuable advice and support to offer us. There are days (like today) that I need the advice and support!
Welcome Westphal!
Octogirl, so happy about your healing good news.
I'm exhausted. WTF is this all about! Why can't I just move beyond this cancer crap! (Okay, maybe I should post this on the "angry" thread.)
One year ago today I started chemo, so is a cancerversary for me. I remember hiding on the back stairs while I waited for my DH to finish getting ready. I didn't want to go. But I also knew it was something I had to do. I had cut my previously long, wavy hair into a pixie cut. In two weeks, my hair would fall out... in the shower, on the pillow. I started to look sick. Oh, hell. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't have any Cherry Garcia, but I do have vanilla ice cream. I'm going to go make a chocolate shake.
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Blurry photo, but I think my DH was having an emotional day, too. Here is my first day of chemo.
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PoppyK: happy first Chemoversary! (I'm planning an amazing bottle of champagne for my radiaversary next year.)
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Hello. Home now and on the good drugs. Beppy, thank you for that beautiful flower. Ducky, the twins are just gorgeous.
The surgery seemed to go well, though we won't have the full path report for a while. One sentinel note clear and the other seemed not to exist (maybe blasted out with neoadjuvent chemo) so they took a few more, not exactly sure how many. Anyway, maybe because I'm not to have reconstruction 'til after rads, if then, I think I've come out of this with less pain than I've heard from others on these boards. Which is not to say that it's painless, but I did get some nice juicy drugs, and things are under control. (Though I'm not exactly sure how I'm to get up from the sofa. Hmm. Have to think about this.)
Sula, I ordered that camisole you posted about a while back--thanks for the suggestion.
The very pleasant surprise came after surgery, when we discovered that because the hospital was quite crowded yesterday, I'd been bumped up to a penthouse floor where all the rooms were private, original art on the walls, gorgeous wooden doors, and so forth. I have been in many hotels that were less well appointed! There was a stunning waiting room and an adjacent library; too bad I didn't have time to use it, but my DH spent some time there. In addition, I was in a private wing with only one other room, so I think this must have been the celebrity wing. I really appreciated the quiet. And, if one must be woken at 5:30 to have one's blood pressure taken and drains emptied, the sight of the sun rising over the east river and the headlights of cars on the 59th Street bridge was not a bad consolation. I so wish I'd had the presence of mind to take a photo. Anyway, it was sort of like being bumped up to first class on an airline--and I am not complaining.
I have skimmed the thread and seen there is a lot going on! Thank you so much for your good wishes! Good to come back to C-town and find you here.
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Westphal.. Welcome.. Thank ypu for sharing your sister's sailing anology..It gives me lots to think about.
Mommy.. Thinking of you, and hoping you neck is feeling better.. Sending the hugger a hug :-)
Slow.. Don't underestimate yourself there girl.. Your special gift is your words, and you always, always, say just the right thing.
Poppy.. You look beautiful :-)
Ducky.. Thinking of you and sending ypu a very big hug.. Enjoy our darling Bobby today 😃
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Poppy
Happy ITS OVER Anniversary!
time is a healer and hopefully your friends here have a hand in it.
I will have my one year chemoversary on October 5 -
I am looking forward to being able to do a fall garden with out nasty ass drainage balloons, baldness, bitchiness and dammit..............can't think of another "b" word.
Your hair cut is very cute Poppy - is it back that way again?
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Rainny.. So glad your surgery is over. WooHoo... It would of been a lovely surprise being on the Penthouse Floor 😃
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Rainny- sending a gentle hug and best wishes for a speedy recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Rainnyc, Glad your surgery went well and that you are now home. That VIP penthouse room sounds amazing. Make sure you stay on schedule with your pain meds!
Thanks for the complement, Lucy! I was in so uncomfortable in that picture. My port site was infected, so they are using the vein in my arm. My veins did not like the chemo drugs. Also, I had ugly-cried off all of my make up during the drive to the facility.
Kathy, My current hair is roughly the same color as my old hair, but that is where the similarities end. My new hair is about 3 inches long when you stretch the poodle curls out. Seriously, I look like a fat poodle. Can't wait to cut it into a pixie cut, but the hairdresser told me last week it was still too early. So many anniversaries on this journey of kicking cancer in the ass! Oct 5 is just around the corner!
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Just a quick note to say Yay! Rainny! So happy you're home safe with good results and managing.
Poppy- happy anniversary ...it seems funny to say that though.
To all of you who posted: I feel better, and strangely lifted up. I shouldn't say strangely, because you are a special, very special, group of amazingly strong and caring women. My usual progression would have been further decline. I read all of your warm notes and wise suggestions with gratitude and a few tears. Thank you. I don't think I'm going to slip further. I did walk today, and went to PT and did another mile on the machine.
Westphal- welcome and thank you for your inaugural post being so special.
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