Tips for fighting the dark clouds
Comments
-
Just found this thread and read the whole thing on my phone, it's that good! I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday, brought on by some new pain I haven't yet got under control, plus my first change of meds and the sobering thoughts that go along with that -- everything from what if these new meds and I don't get along at all, to will I ever have grandchildren, and if I do, will I be well enough to enjoy them? But thankfully the wave of sadness passed quickly, and this thread full of positive thoughts and great ideas from so many of my favorite mbc friends was a blessing to find this morning.
As far as my own best strategies, I find that walking (which I haven't been doing much of in our summer desert heat) really helps me to focus, and music is also a great mood elevater. Something I try very hard to do when a black thought creeps in is replace it with a thought of gratitude. I also wholeheartedly agree with getting away and changing the scene when you can. There's something about being around people who have no clue we have Stage IV bc that always helps me see it as not quite so all-consuming. And I think having two business ventures I love and enjoy doing is very distracting.
Can't believe I just wrote all of that on my phone, but clearly this thread is inspiring to me! Thanks Terre for starting it! xoxo
0 -
Hi everybody
Just discovered this thread and it's really helpful. It's so hard to stay positive when you have kids to think about but good ideas here. Missy I totally get how you feel I had 6 years cancer free and then changed to triple negative. It's scary but we are all hoping for the best for you. I have recently started xeloda and no idea if it's working as they say it's too early to tell but the markers still rising at the moment. I am sure the doctors will find the right drug for you . All the best Barbara
0 -
Welcome to the thread DLB and Barbara. I am having serious computer issues...got a new computer and it's probably fine, but doesn't like the internet.
Keeps freezing up, and dropping connection etc. But, if that's the biggest thing I have to complain about, then life is good!One of the other things I do when I'm down is pure escapism, like watching funny pet videos or reading funny things. If you haven't read hyperbole and a half's blog on dogs don't like things like moving, you should! Will come up if you Google it. I can't open more than a page at a time with my wonky internet. She also wrote some amazing posts on depression. A bit of a hard read, but one of the best explanations I've ever seen.
Sending hugs to all
Terre
0 -
hi all
I continue to read this faithfully and find it so helpful. I agree with many others on this thread that walking is a great tool. I also love to read and just finished Amy Polhers "yes please" that I read with. my 19 year old daughter. Lots of wisdom for women in this book.
Also building wonderful memories with my family. Since dx in November I have had difficulty planning things (anticipating. the worst case scenerios instead of. living in the moment). But I had a victory over this and planned a fabulous trip to Seattle this weekend with my daughter to see Taylor Swift and enjoyed every moment of it. I hope everyone here finds sometime. to enjoy life.
0 -
Hi 3/16. That sounds great - what fun! And thanks for the reading suggestion - I'll definitely look for it!
Wish I could introduce you to my friend Stacey who lives in Spokane. She had rectal cancer. We compared notes - my peeling itchy boob after radiation was still better than her peeling behind after her radiation. We joked about writing a book on having cancer. Since I always go for the cheap humour, I wanted to call it tits and ass (sorry if this offends anyone). She's much more PC than me and was a bit horrified at my suggestion.
What we did find was that we both had very similar feelings, questions, concerns, fears, etc. Although she had rectal cancer, I pointed her to these boards for general dealing with cancer info and she found it quite helpful.Well, I'd best get back to work. Just not feeling it today, but deadlines await.
Hugs to all,
Terre
0 -
Terre, Thank you for starting this thread. I have been reading and thinking about all of the suggestions.
0 -
3-16, loved Amy Poehlers book and recommend Tina Fey's BossyPants book if you haven't read it. And concerts are one of my favorite ways to rock out the blues. Would love to see Taylor Swift.
Kiwi, no offense taken at your comical book title.
0 -
Thanks Mrs. M. I know it's way out of line, but thought it was rather funny.
Musiclover - glad you're finding ideas!
0 -
Music always helps to pick me up when I begin to feel down. I like to sing like a fool even though I don't have a particularly good voice. I am one of those crazy people who you see belting out songs in the car. Here is something you might appreciate if you watch The Big Bang Theory. There was an episode about a scavenger hunt, and Howard and Amy were paired up on a team. They put on a Neal Diamond CD in the car, and the show kept cutting back to them as they sang along wit Neal more and more vigorously. My DH and I recently started out on a 4 hour drive. I looked at him, pulled out a Neal Diamond CD, and announced that we were going to be Howard and Amy all the way to Connecticut. The two of us burst into laughter and really enjoyed the ride.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Lynne
0 -
50sgirl, you sound a lot like me. Cranking up the car stereo when I'm driving alone and singing boisterously to a great song is one of my favorite ways to beat the blues. (Such as "Twist and Shout" by the Beatles.) I saw and absolutely loved the episode of Big Bang Theory that you mentioned (huge Neil Diamond fan,too). One of my very favorite things to do is sing along to songs on the car radio with dh when taking trips. (We are the same age and like so much of the same music, a very eclectic mix; years ago we visited Cleveland's Rock n Roll Hall of Fame and it remains one of the best days dh and I ever spent together.) How fun that trip to Connecticut sounds.
0 -
Lynne - what a fantastic trip! Made me smile to read it and visualise it. I can't sing worth beans, but that doesn't stop me in the car!
Mrs M - that sounds like great fun!
I sign to and dance with my cats. Not sure they appreciate either, but oh well! I used to have a golden retriever and he would dance with me - stand up on his hind paws and put his front paws in my hands. I'd sign "My Girl" to him, but with "My Dog" instead. I also make up nonsensical words to songs. For example, Rock the Cashbah became....The kitty he don't like it, dump the catbox, dump the catbox.
No one else appreciates my songwriting ability, but it does keep me mildly entertained.0 -
Sorry that I am lurking more than posting on this thread （for I do not have enough experience to contribute). Just to say thank you all for providing me with good stuff to read！
0 -
Xavo - Glad you're with us and finding the reading interesting.
0 -
I was talking to my psychologist the other day, and I started to say, "I know I probably only have a few years..." But then I stopped and changed it to, "I know people with stage iv typically..." She said that was a great re-frame. Subtle, but powerful. It's about knowing that the statistics are not a prediction for me personally. Somehow, I think I am moving out the other side of the heavy grief. Sometimes I feel happy lately. Somehow I can now believe that it is possible I could live long enough to see my grandchildren, or long enough that a cure such as immune therapy could become available. A social worker said she would not call that thinking denial, she would call it Hope.
0 -
I always heard that we need to live in the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah...now I am forced to live in the moment, so I know the difference. I feel good this minute, I am rested, fed, pain-free, happy, interested and generally upbeat. That feeling leaves no room for dread, fear or anxiety. So I choose denial, if that's what it's called. Now, I go to the next minute and see what that brings, but it probably will bring feeling pretty good.
A couple of things that help feeling good right now:
-Effexor
-Getting radiation to the cancerous bones before they got too painful.
-A trainer twice a week
-Cleaning out junk, papers etc a little each day or so
So far, this has worked most of the time for nearly four years. So that is four years added to a happy life.
0 -
ShetlandPony - Hooray! That is a great re-frame! And so happy you are able to feel happy. It takes a while.
Winning - Hooray for you too! Four years - and not just any four years, but four happy years. What great advice.
Regarding denial - I asked my therapist if I was in denial and she said "Are you taking your meds? Are you getting your scans? Are you following your doctors' orders?" It was yes to all three. She said, "if you were in denial, you wouldn't do any of the above. You'd pretend you didn't have cancer and ignore medications, scans, treatments, doctors' appointments, etc. That's denial. Where you are is hopeful." Spot on ShetlandPony!
I was also told to be PRO - Pragmatic, realistic, and optimistic. I'm pragmatic and realistic in that I know I have Stage IV BC, it may well be what I die from, and I need to plan for the worst. But I'm optimistic in that I also hope for the best. Once I've planned for the worst (which I have already done), the next step is to hope for the best and keep smiling.
Thanks for the great posts!
Terre
0 -
"Plan but don't predict."
0 -
If i or rather when i am feeling down i repeat...happy, happy, happy...then i get myself t8gether, i am metastatic, obviously stage 4 on hospice, on oxygen 24/7 . Thought when i got diagnosed at recurrence time that i would b gone in 3 years, iit will b 6 in dec. Made the choice last year to stop treatment cause qol was horrible. So now i am living my life best i can, planning 4 the end. The good thing about knowing is that you get to make the decisions, lol...
I am 62.. it is a lonely time sometimes. I have mostly boys n th3y er not too compassionate. Make fun when i cry....
0 -
I know for me coping with the dark times does mean allowing myself. a good cry. Sending you lots of compassion for when you want to cry.
0 -
Good for all of us who choose to find happiness where we can. Our bodies have been invaded by bc, but we can choose to not let it take our hearts and minds. Happiness and joy are a choice for everyone. Yes, having stage IV bc makes it much, much harder but you can still make that choice. This is not denial in any way. This is just living while you can.
On a lighter note, and with Terre in mind, my younger dd and I gave our dogs "voices". They each "speak", via the two of us, with very distinct voices. We also have them perform songs from Broadway shows. They are partial duets. They really shine when singing songs from Wicked. The pretty Pomeranian is Galinda, the chihuahua mix is Elphaba. We think they are excellent. Everyone else thinks we're just weird 😉.
0 -
Blondie - sending you a huge hug. Wish I could hold your hand while you cry - know I'm doing it virtually if not physically. And yes, boys/men can be insensitive. I think often it's because they are freaked out and have no clue how to handle it.
Great quote - ShetlandPony!
And 3-16, yup..a good cry helps.
Caryn - that's awesome. I want video!
Terre
0 -
I find that reading books about real people who've dealt with extraordinarily tragic situations inspires me to hang in there. I just finished "Mermaid" about a woman born with no legs because when her mother was pregnant, she'd taken the drug thalidomide. I read the story bythe woman whose 3 young daughters were killed in a horrific traffic accident while in a van driven by the woman's sister-in-law. Another story involved a man whose wife and two young sons were killed by the boyfriend of his 18 year old daughter. The daughter is serving a life sentence without parole because of her involvement in the crime; her father visits her in prison; he has gone on to remarry and have more children.
There was a book written by a woman journalist with ALS, an horrific, fatal disease. Yet she continued living as full a life as possible even as ALS took over her body.
There are many other books I've read that show the triumphs of the human spirit over devastating tragedy. Life is not fair, but it is possible to rise above circumstances
0 -
I would take this disease ANYTIME over having anything horrific happen to my children. Its one of the thoughts that has always gotten me through the tough times. I say "Thank God its me and not them." Its like I had a conversation with God where he told me he was going to make one of my children terminally ill. I said to him "please take me instead." And he did, and for that I am grateful every day. I say "THANK YOU for giving me this disease instead of giving it to one of my children".
I know its made up, but it really does help me put it all in perspective.
0 -
Saw this on Facebook today. I don't usually share these things, but I think a lot of what this says is true. Easier said than done, but still good stuff.
The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room …. just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away, just for this time in my life."
She went on to explain, "Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."
And with a smile, she said: "Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less0 -
Thank you Terre for posting such a lovely piece.... Dee
0 -
Thank you Terre for starting this thread. I've been uncharacteristicly down today, as it is the 1st anniversary of my diagnosis. I remember when we didn't know it had spread my doc said "I'll be honest, you will have one year of hell and then it will all be over". Three days later that was all out the window when the scans showed bone mets. I kept thinking about her words today, knowing that this is really just the beginning and that there will never be any relief that it is over
I found a nice shady spot near the river earlier where I tried to quiet my thoughts and be still. I was having trouble so I started to read this thread instead. I looked up from my phone just in time to see a huge bird (eagle?) carrying away a fish. It took my breath away! It circled up and down the river 3 times, which seemed odd to me but allowed me a good look. I whispered "thank you" to no one in particular. Nature and gratitude. That is how I'll get through this.
And I'm grateful for you all!
0 -
That's beautiful, Shutterbug. Gave me chills - in a really good way. Sorry you're having a rough day. Sitting in nature always makes me feel good - and to see an eagle fishing - wow! Hope today is a better day.
0 -
thank you Terre for this post. It's so true that external "things" aren't what make us happy. It's what's inside. Living with this dx does, I believe, make it more challenging to free our minds at times but not impossible. I try to acknowledge my feelings when they may be negative and then let them go. Some days are easier than others. One thing that always makes me feel better is the fact that I've learned to really appreciate small things and not let "bigger" things preoccupy my mind. It's hard but worth it when it works
0 -
I get a lot from this thread, too, and love picturing "Wicked" dogs singing Broadway songs, the 92 year old woman who has a true handle on life, and oh, my, an eagle in the wild, something I've never witnessed, who treated Shutterbug to an aerial display of its splendor. Pets, yes, my cats touch my heart. And nature really does, too.
Another way I like beating the blues is through humor. Before bc, we saw Larry the Cable Guy's stand up act and I never laughed so hard for two solid hours, it was the best. Since bc, we saw Jerry Seinfeld in person and he was just as hilarious. And on the cruise we took last summer,there was a comedian named Kivi Rogers. He had a 'family' rated stand up act that was hilarious, and a later adult only act and we were pretty much rolling in the aisle, he was sooo funny.
I also try to find good comedy movies, not always easy, and I watched all 7 seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netfix, it's a comedy whose humor builds on the previous episodes and what you know about the characters, just excellent. It's easy to escape when something is truly entertaining
0 -
Yes, Nature and Laughter. You know what else makes me feel good? People watching, especially: Babies and little children that are so amazingly cute and charming and funny. And at my cancer center, everywhere I look I see people taking care of their family/friends/patients with so much love and care, even if it is "just" silent companionship.
(Oops, duplicate post. Deleted it.)
0
