Tips for fighting the dark clouds
Comments
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I thought this was good. Sometimes just remembering how much you've already overcome helps with perspective.
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Thank you for posting tha, KiwiCatMom. I like it.
Lynne
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Kiwi I like that ! I will try to remember that on my down days.
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Kiwi...thank you for sharing! Such an inspiring message!!
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The past few days I've been feeling more anxious the past few days. I think it's because I'm returning to work next monday. I hate having to use ativan, but it's the only thing that's been helping me. Ugh, this sucks!
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For those who missed this link on the bone mets thread, it's worth reading. I love the statement "all hope is valid". Just resonates with me.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/health/27case.ht...
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Terri - sorry you're having a rough time. It's really scary returning to work, especially when you're emotionally fragile. Sending you big virtual hugs.
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Terri, I understand completely! I am going back to work on October 1st and suddenly having anxiety and doubts that I am doing the right thing. It's scary! Right now I have the luxury of resting during the day and that will NOT be the case when I go back to work. My job is very physical and stressful. I need my health insurance to pay for my treatment so it's a no brainer. None of this is easy..I just want my old life back
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Lynwood, I know exactly how you feel! My job is very physical as well and I'm not sure if I can handle that end of it. Although I am a manager I also have to treat patients as well. I too need this job for the medical benefits, hubby is retired and works part time so no benefits for us there. Spoke with my psychiatrist and counselor and they both told me to take the Ativan that I have, but I hate relying on it! On top of this my mother is having her own issues because my dad's health has been declining the past two years and she's having a tough time handling him. When it rains it pours.
I too want my old life back!!!!
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Terre, sounds like we may be in the same profession, as I see you mentioned seeing patients. This week my fatigue is the worst it has been in a long while, and I think it may be related to my worries about going back to work. I am fortunate that I will only have to work, all other responsibilities around the house will be handled by my husband and son. My kids are grown, one lives on his own, so that makes it easier.
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Lynn, did you say you'd go back to work today? How is it? Wish you good luck!
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Xavo, I go back to work on October 1st. It's coming up fast..just hoping the pain and fatigue are tolerable. I am literally on my feet from 6:30 -10:30 before I get to sit down.
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the woman who wrote the article in the NY times...she is the 1%.
Having a hard time with the dark clouds today. Has something to do with just dropping my oldest son off at college yesterday, and alsothat I have a persistent ache in the lower lumber, but can't do or say anything about it until October because my DH and I have a trip planned that I don't want to ruin.
Sigh..
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Stefajoy, I remember how I felt when I dropped my oldest son off at college. I was proud of him, but oh so sad. I tried to keep the tears from flowing until after I got into the car to leave. He called often for the first several months, so I know that he missed us even though he enjoyed college. Believe me, your son will not forget you and will appreciate you now more than ever.
I am sorry that you are achy. I hope it improves soon, but don't neglect yourself. If you need pain melds, speak up and use them.
Where are you going on your trip? I hope you post pictures for us regardless of where you go. I love to imagine myself in locations when I see everyone else's' photos.
I hope you find some sunshine today. You deserve it.
Lynne
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Sooo we made it to the beach yesterday as a day trip. We usually go for a week at least once a summer but I was feeling so bad etc we didn't go this year. It was great weather, so nice to see and hear the ocean but I almost fell twice (lost balance due to neuropathy) and I could only walk along the shore about 100 feet. I flip flop between telling myself wow you did it ! To omg now the ability to really enjoy the beach is gone too. I couldn't go to work today due to my legs hurting and so tired. I try so hard to stay positive but I'm so tired of being weak and tired. Sigh
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Hi Lauralind, I am glad that you were able to go to the beach for the day, but I am sorry that you had difficulty walking and enjoying the visit as much as you had hoped. Last spring I found it helpful to use a walking stick when my pain and anemia made it difficult for me to get around. It made me feel better to use a walking stick rather than a cane, purely a psychological thing, but a cane might also help. I don't know if it will help you, too.
Try not to dwell on the disappointing aspects of your trip. The fact is that you witnessed the majesty of the ocean, felt the softness of the beautiful sand, and walked a full 100 feet. On top of that you were able to share the experience with someone who cares about you. That sounds like a very special day to me.
I wish you joy.
Lynne
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Awww..geeze. Sorry you're having a crap time, Stefajoy and Lauralind.
Stefajoy - so hard to watch the kids leave the nest. Quite bittersweet I'm sure - the pride of knowing you've done a great job so far, and the sadness of seeing them grow up and spread their wings. Sending you hugs. And it's hard to have new pain. I had a persistent pain in one of my ribs for about 2 weeks and I've been quietly freaking out, because I've also been beyond tired. Have a doctor's appointment today and my pain cleared up yesterday. So I'm hoping yours clears up before your trip and that it's nothing to be worried about.
Lauralind - Shortly after my surgery to put the pin in my femur, I went to the beach for a kite festival. And it was a glorious sunny day and the kites were great. And I couldn't walk down to the sand. So I understand what you mean - how great it was to be at the beach, but also seeing what you've lost. I've posted about this before, but it's the mourning the loss of expectations (i.e., what you thought life would be like) that's so darn hard. Realising that you may never be able to do things that you used to do. That said, I'm doing things that two years ago I was sure I would never be able to do. So I'm hoping the same for you and sending hugs.
Terre
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One more thing Lauralind, It is okay to have dark clouds sometimes. We ALL do. Mbc is ugly, scary, painful and unfair. Not one of us can say that she is happy and cheerful all the time. We are all here for you in good times and when the dark clouds hit. We know how difficult things can be
Lynne
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Stef, my son graduated college in May, but four years ago, I remember taking him to college an hour away, seven months after being diagnosed stage iv. One thing that helped is sometimes I would just go in his room and sit and once in awhile I would nap or sleep in his bed. Within about six months, I was making more of an adjustment to the new routine of my life. I know you are proud of him.
Laura, yes, mixed emotions for you at the beach. I hope you felt at least inspired by the magnificent view. God bless.
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I found this to be a good read for the most part. This woman has brain cancer, but a lot of what she talks about is applicable to Stage IV BC.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/inspir...
Hopefully the link works!
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KiwiCatMom, Thanks for posting the link to the article. I agree that the writer is going through many of the same things we are and faces some of the same issues. She has the same worries and anxieties that we suffer through. I was amazed to read that she is sometimes able to go long periods of time without thinking of her brain cancer. I hope that I can someday say the same about my bc, but right now I can't imagine it. The daily medications, monthly blood tests and doctors visits, and frequent, usually unreasonable, fear that every little ache or twinge of pain could be progression, reminds me that I have stage iv bc. Perhaps I will be less focused on it as time goes on. I do admire the author's attitude and courage. I consider myself to be optimistic,, but I still have my down times. Sometimes I think I focus too our much on my dx and need to stop. Wouldn't it be nice to go on vacation and leave cancer at home?
Lynne
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Lynne - you're still really new to this dx, and yes, it does get better with time. I promise. And you will go long periods of time without thinking about it. I liken it to having a relationship break up (like when the guy I lived with for five years found someone else) or a death in the family (like when my mom died). At first, it's all consuming and just colours everything. And if and when you get to sleep, it's the first thing you think about in the morning. And then one morning, I work up and got to the office, and realised I hadn't thought about my loss yet that day. And as time went on, I'd realise that it had been a full day and I hadn't thought about it. The BC process is similar, I think. And I think it's because we do have to grieve for what could have been, what we thought our lives would be, and what dreams we thought would be fulfilled. Once you get past that grief, you can start to think about building a new vision of your life.
And yes, I still have days when I'm a freaked out basket case, or depressed, or numb, or sad. But they are fewer than they were a year ago, and much fewer than two years ago.
So keep putting one foot in front of the other, hang on to hope, and be gentle with yourself.
Hugs,
Terre
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I also am new to my stage 4 diagnosis after being what I thought was cancer free for 3 years. I am having trouble in dealing with the shock. I now have been diagnosed with bone mets which brought me from Stage II to Stage IV. I fought so hard thru my chemo and treatment for a year and wonder if I am strong enough to make it thru this next journey. One minute I am angry and ready to fight and then the next I feel like I am on my last leg. I would love to find someone I could chat with on the ups and downs of this disease progress. I have been on this site since my diagnosis and have experienced so much comfort in reading everyone's post (I very rarely post myself).
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Wleeky, I have stood where you are now just 6 months ago. For me, the shock factor of this has been by far the worst thing. I was 7 years out from Cancer and what I thought to be a rotator cuff injury turned into extensive bone mets. Reading the experiences written on these boards have helped me tremendously! Many ladies are living many years. When I was first diagnosed I thought that I would never work as a nurse again, but I am getting ready to return to work next week. I still have days where I feel scared and down but I try to remind myself that so far, I can still do everything I could do before stage 4 BC. My onc is very optimistic and that also helps. Continue to read,come over to the bone mets thread. The ladies there have tons of tips and support for you
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Lynnwood1960 Thank you so much for the response! I will take your advice and go to the bone mets thread. The best thing I can do is take one day at a time. After my scans today, I meet with my Onc tomorrow. Hope you have a wonderful day.
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wleeky, I am new to this diagnosis as well. In fact I am stage four right out of the gate. Extensive bone mets. I am still trying to absorb this, but as the ladies say, it gets better. Come on over to our bone mets thread and feel the comfort that these strong courageous loving ladies bring me everyday. I'm not usually one to post but I read a lot. I can honestly say, I love each and every one of these ladies very much.
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Weekly - welcome. We all understand exactly where you're at. The shock is horrific. I was dx as Stage I, no lymph node involvement, <7% chance of recurrence in 2007. Then when in for a sore hip (thought I'd pulled a ligament) and "suddenly" had extensive bone mets and was put into hospital immediately to have a pin put in my femur as it was ready to shatter and already fractured. Holy cammolie! You will be ok; the mental stuff does get better with time, and there is huge support here.
Saw this graphic today and thought it was worth sharing here. As I've posted before, we need to grieve the loss of what we thought would be. And this really sums it up well, I reckon. It's not a straight line; you go back and forth - feel optimistic and happy one day (or minute) and verge on clinical depression the next. Just like other losses and grief experiences, it just takes time.
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I can totally relate to that chart! This morning I was having a tamoxifen tantrum, now I'm listening to oldies and making meatballs. I'm so glad to know that I'm not going insane as well as stage 4!!
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Tamoxifen tantrum! Sorry you're going through that, but love the term. I have Femara fits, I think.
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We are all in this together! Our poor Dh's! If I can't stand myself, I can't see how he could!!
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