patty
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Patty and Lita57 - To me you are so inspirational and upbeat, and you give me strength!! Decisions, decisions - this is where many of us are.
I go for contrast bone and ct scans Wednesday, meet my new MO Thursday a.m. and will have results which I am hoping and praying are positive!
Healing hugs to all of you here, have a great, pain free, peaceful weekend...janice
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Patty, praying so hard for adequate pain control for you!! Hopefully they can get just the right combination this weekend. Keep complaining until they get it right!0
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lita. You are not talking about stopping eating and drinking now are you ? I didn’t realize you were there yet. Never thought of that as a possiblilty. Now you got me thinking. I certainly don’t want to lay in a bed unable to feed myself or know who I am but since I don’t live in a right to die state it makes my options very small. Was thinking with all the pain meds I have hopefully won’t go s or down the road of being completely helpless
One day at a time for now.0 -
Patty dearest,
I hope the weekend in the hospice house can sort through your pain meds and get your some relief.
(((HUGS))) to you and your darling boys. You have raised them well. Did the chaplain have any suggestions? Could you meet with chaplain and exDH? Maybe write letters to your boys? It's so hard to leave them behind.
Love, Madelyn
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Oh Patty and Lita my heart aches for you both, you are in my thoughts and prayers all the time.
Patty your sons are old enough now that the way you have raised them should be ingrained and hopefully nobody can change the good you have done. I don't know if your boys are actually embarrassed by their bald mom with a pain pack, I have a feeling with the way you have raised them they are not and likely don't even think about it. Don't sweat the small stuff, just enjoy every moment you have with them and keep on laughing. {HUGS}
I do like Mominator's idea of a letter to them, we just lost my step dad to cancer on Wednesday and I would have loved a letter from him, well actually I would have loved one more day! I know he's not in pain where he is anymore, but I miss him terribly.
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I can't imagine little Peppermint.... You are always in my heart.... You just remind me of my little niece Laura... She first got breast cancer, then later, all hell broke loose... If it wasn't one thing it was another... She was on the same trip you seem to be on... and there is just no explanation!
She tried so hard.... Her Son Jay was the reason she fought so hard... Her DH Husband was an alcoholic... even stole her meds... She wore them in a fanny-pack when she slept just to have enough for herself... Jay grew up, just fine... My Brother took him in and helped guide him, and today he is a happy wonderful successful mechanic with his own little life.... Girlfriend, and happiness!
His Dad did get out of some 1/2 way house, bought his own home, Jay moved in with him, but his Dad couldn't keep himself clean.... Last year he done himself in.... That's when Jay, old enough to know his life is in his own hands, made it out on his own.
So life does go on... You are already an angel little one.... We are all learning from you... If it ain't one thing, it's gonna be another.... So thank you for being our inspiration sweet thing.... Love you! Chevy..... xoxoxoxo
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Chevy. Always great inspirational stories from you. I did get a choc coke from sonic yesterday before I came in. Yum. Can't beli never heard of them til u told us. Grrr her dh stealing her meds and she had to sleep with them in fanny pack. Breaks my heart. Hospice says this is a very very common problem. Unbelievable.
Vamp sorry to hear about your step father. How's your mom doing ? I have letters for the boys and photo book / scrap book in process. I keep adding pics with small descriptions of what we were doing. I believe they are old enough 16 and 13 to be strong in who they are. Just hate to hurt their heart when I am gone.
Ex dh told me Thur that his gf found a job in our town and will be moving in with them in 3weeks. She has lived and worked 3 hours away but comes to their house like 5 days a week. Gets in late and gets up at 4am to head to work. Crazy. I have met her and she had all the right answers. The boys like having her around because their dad always has on his best attitude. I told them would prob change when she's lived there. A Person can only fake it for so long before the real person comes out. Our divorce says no unrelated opposite sex can live with either of us without being married. I can get an atty and fight It but I don't have the energy as long as boys are getting along With her. My fear is they will eventually call her mom or stepmom. Ouch. Both dss have said no way and I hope with their age they don't but again out of my control. Not sure I wanna push them to get married - it's been like 10 months - but living together without being married is totally against what we have taught them biblically. And if it's ok to pick and choose what we follow from the Bible then how scary that could be with them being teenagers. I just have to keep reminding myself I can't control everything but ultimately God can and will.
They have changed some pain meds and increased others. Last night was the first time in a long time that I wasn’t either crying in pain all night or totally knocked out from pain meds. Hopeful we are in the right track. Cause I am anxious to get home and get my boys back. They are at the lake this weekend with their dad.
I have an aide from hospice available 4 hours per day and Medicaid also allows an aide 4 hours per day as long as their times don’t overlap. I haven’t been using them because my boys begged me not to. That they would handle house cleaning and clothes washing. It just feels too much like hospice to them. However they haven’t been keeping up their end of the bargain. I get tired of hearing them fighting with each other over who’s turn to do what and I’ve justbeen doing it all myself. When they come out of the room And they see me working they Both will offer to do it but not worth the headache to me. when i go hoME i am going to start the aides even if its not every day. Plus the boys will be back in school in about a month
HUgs
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Patty, your sons will be blessed for having such a loving mom. I’m 70 and my Dad passed when I was 12. His spirit and love still surround me as I have face difficulties in life. He like you had a great faith that sustains me. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling. I pray every day that you and your sons hold to each other and that your physical pain can be lessened. Gentle hugs to all.
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Yeah little one.... I don't think your boys mean any harm, or to hurt you, but they are just "boys"... They are at the age where their lives and wants and needs kind of take over everything... Just don't YOU overdue it... It might hurt you, and make you more susceptible to not fighting any infection...
I remember our Laura came here to Denver one time... Stayed with her younger Sister... And SOMEhow her meds were stolen by yet, another family member, to sell on the street... I wanted to strangle all of them..... She then fell.... balance thing.... wound up in the Hospital, and later made it back to Nashville, and back into the hell-hole that was her home...
It's like battling cancer, and mets wasn't enough, she was in a constant battle with some of her family! But the saving grace, was, and is, watching and seeing her SON grow up into the man she wanted him to be... Yes, God will take over.... but sometimes it seems like waiting is just so painful! I love you Peppermint....
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And just go get another chocolate coke! I'll have one today with you! xoxoxo
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Patty, very happy to hear that you are finally getting some pain relief!! It really makes a world of difference!! Taking advantage of the aides available to you will turn out to be a blessing for all, one less thing to worry about and more valuable time for you and your boys.0
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Dear Patty,
So glad your team is helping you balance meds and doing a better job keeping you comfortable. Your sons will always know your love and know right from wrong. It’s a wonderful gift you haven given them that lasts for a lifetime.
Thinking of you. Sending you warm wishes for some great time with your boys!
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Patty~ you are so very Much on my mind, and have very much Made my day, by posting on my thread. Knowing how you're feeling. I adore you my friend. I am hoping the adjustment toyour pain meds will mean you can sit and hang out with your sons and not be always sleeping. I totally understand that. You're so very cared for my friend. I love you.
Two words. :strong together. ~M~
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I will join you both with the chocolate coke. As mothers we never stop worrying about our children. But worries drain the body and you need to reserve your energy spending time with Z and D. Oh sweet Patty, cast your burden on Him and let Him carry your cross. It's too much for you to deal with by yourself. I have to remind myself often that I can't control everything. No man can control when the sun will rise and when it will go down. None of us can control what His will is for us or our love ones either. We don't know everything and our wisdom is limited. If He takes care of the sparrows wouldn't He take care of our children who are worth more? You wanted the boys and they have become your treasures. They are also His treasures. Your love for them will live in their hearts and memories. Much love to you,sweet one.
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Patty,
I'm not ready to go VSED yet. Actually, it's an ALTERNATIVE to the "End of Life Options/Death w/Dignity." VSED is NOT physician assisted suicide, so it's not counter to what God would want for a person. God is still in control when you go VSED. How long it takes one to go is up to Him.
I'm hoping I still have a few more months left b4 I have to make a decision, but things are getting noticeably worse in the brain and bone/soft muscle depts. I'm having major gastro issues now, too, and getting pretty bad edema in my legs, feet, ankles, and we all know what THAT means. (Have to wear those nasty, heavy support hose like my Grammy used to wear
.Take care everyone, L
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Patty - nobody can ever replace you in your boys' hearts. My stepdaughter lost her mother when she was only 3 and even though I'm the only mother she has really ever known, she still calls me by my first name. And yet we have a very close relationship.
You have raised two wonderful sons and you will always be with them. They are arguing and fighting with each other now because they are trying to be strong for you. Just keep them close and love them while you can. You are not an embarrassment to them when you go out, no matter what you look like. They don't see anything but the mom they love so much.
I hope they can control your pain so that you are comfortable. We are all praying so much for you.
Gentle hugs,
Ann
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Hi Patty, that was sweet of you to ask. She's doing as well as can be expected. It was hard watching him wither away at the end.
I pray for you to be in less pain, I pray you will get to enjoy your DS's for a long while yet. It's not right all these good people getting sick with this awful disease and the not so good ones live long lives.
Keep on smiling Patty, we love your humor. ❤
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Dear Patty, I hope the new combo of pain meds continue to work so you can be at home.
Thinking of you [even though I don't post here much]
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patty, I do not post much, & have to take time off from this web site from time to time. Unlike u, I have a wonderful, supportive DH. I know your pain, both physical & emotional. I have 1 amazing daughter & 5 wonderful sons who love their momma. I know u r a woman of faith, as I am. I have no doubt God is watching over u. Our suffering is never in vain. My oldest son is now an MD, my youngest is studying to become a minister. All my kids have reacted differently, but I have to admit, they have been especially supportive of each other. Stay strong, your boys will be ok. You & Lita have been in my thoughts & prayers for quite a while. 💖 Sue
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Hi Patty- just checking in here to say hello and see how you are doing. I am glad the hospice team is working to get your pain management worked out. It broke my heart to hear you have been crying in pain a lot, or just zonked out from the medications. And I have also heard of stories of people stealing cancer patients pain meds, just not right.....
I can more than understand your concerns about your boys, their father, and the girlfriend who will be moving in with them soon. You have honored and respected the values you have taught your boys, and they will always carry that with them. I know you miss them this weekend and hope they are back home with you soon. Keeping you in my prayers always my friend.
Lita- good to see you here too and sending you much love as well. Also keeping you in my prayers.
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"Peace, peace to him who is far off and to him who is near, says the Lord" Isaiah 57:19b
Patty,
Your endurance, strength and faith are an example to us all. You boys are old enough that you will be the only one they ever call Mom. I had a step daughter who came in my life around the age of 7. I never wanted her to call me Mom. I respected the boundaries of her Mother and would never cross those. Real women lift each other up and support each other. (Even more when they are Mother's! )
Lifting you up! Prayers for pain control and quality time with your boys. ♡
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thanks all. Brain too foggy to respond to each but wish I can. Please know your posts are such an encouragement
I slept maybe 2 hours last night. Wasn’t from pain. Just couldn’t get my brain to slow down thinking of the end and triple checking I have everything done I wanted to get done. I am quite the list maker and organizer. Some things can’t be planned out of my control. Yuck. Still working on that with God. They have chapel service time in about an hour. I am going down there. Hope it helps. It only last 30 minutes so I think I can do that. Gonna wear my jammies but God don’t care and I don’t care what other think. Probably won’t be the only one in jammies or a gown.
Hugs
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Patty, take full advantage of that chapel time and don't worry for a minute about the pajamas.
I was up last night checking my lists in my head too, and your 'to do' list is much tougher than mine! I know you have done the important stuff!
Thinking of you, and hope they keep the pain at bay. Prayers and much love!
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Peppermint.... We just want to talk to you... We just wait, through the day, to see what you've been up to.... By the way...I don't think I ever expressed my disdain for your DH husband.... So I might do that now.... Don't pay any attention to him, nor anyone he tends to have around.... As long as your boys are happy, that's all that matters...
Some Dad's and Husbands are just brainless, clueless, and don't give a damn.... And they aren't worth our time, or love.... But that doesn't take over our whole life, no matter how long it may be.... You are doing the best you can, and we all are so proud of you! I don't know of anyone who has faced so many damn obstacles in their life, and can still get around, mostly, and face each new day!
We love you little one.... And love hearing from you.... And you know what ELSE is good? Make yourself a chocolate Root-beer! I do that sometimes.… and go sit outdoors and just chill..... Enjoy each and every moment. xoxoxo
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oh Patty sweetheart~ two hours of sleep. I have had those nights they are awful. I have had the worst mental Strength week yet. I fear all the same things we all do having cancer Ingeneral. I adore you very much. Two words; rest up. ~M~
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Patty, so sorry for the lack of sleep. That happens to me. I've tried music and audiobooks to calm the mind. I have a few books I enjoy. I set the volume to just audible and the sleep timer to 15 minutes. I let my mind drift along with the story and I usually fall asleep in 15-30 minutes.
I hope you got to the chapel service this morning.
The Ocean Grove Choir Festival is having a reprise concert is at my church tonight at 7:00 pm ET. I'll send all that love and music your way.
Love, Madelyn
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Madelyn. I bet the music was awesome
I was the only person to show up for chapel. Sooner on one time. It was great. The pastor happened to bring up his sisterdied about5 years ago from a long battle with breast cancer. Her hubby had an affair and left her during treatment. They had 5 year old twins who eventually found out what happened and hated dad for it. The family had no idea how it would work when she died. But flash forward 5 years and twins and dad have made up and dad has allowed and encouraged the relationships from moms family’s rot be with the twins. Just what I i needed to hear. God is good and his timing is always perfect for his plan. Not mine.
Dr increased the long acting med again today and I have only been taking breakthru pain meds every 4-5 hours instead of every hour with no relief. I still haven’t slept but dr said could be the steroids. And I am very itchy and the Benadryl hasn’t helped but I can live with itchiness over pain any day. Dr wouldn’t promise I go home tomorrow but working in that direction. Will probably get this pain pump off tomorrow since it will be 48 hours since I have hadn’t to use it. Best i have felt in years. Super anxious to get home and enjoy this time with my dss.
So all good news tonite. Sweet
Thanks all hugs.
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Patty, no-one will replace you. Your sons are no fools. They have a relationship with their father, but they are not blind.
My DH's Mom died of cancer, 6 years ago. MY FIL was a total disater, spent most of her illness out of state on various excuses and it was left to her friends to take her to chemo and look after her, truly it was like she was a widow or divorcee. DH went over twice (we live in Ireland, MIL was in FL) for an extended stay and eventually bawled his father out on the phone to get down there and take some responsibility, this 3 weeks before she died.
When she died DH found out from other relatives that his Dad (my FIL) had been playing around for some time. We don't know if my MIL knew or not. DH then had to continue to have a relationship with his Dad. While as an adult, married and in his own home, this was much different from your DS's situation, it was still very difficult. Of course the one my FIL was with then is not the one he is with now, he is living with a woman who is about my age for the last 3 years. No reason why they cant marry, both are free but don't think FIL wants to make a commitment.
Truly neither DH nor I will ever have the same feelings about my FIL that we might have had before all this, but it is better for DH to have a polite relationship with him, rather than anger and acrimony that can only hurt DH. However FIL has lost the respect and devotion he would have had. So who has hurt who the most? I think FIL has hurt FIL, and caused great loss to FIL, though he may not know it.
What a wonderful church service, just for you.
XXXX
Vampeyes, sincere condolences on your loss.
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PS Yes, your dear boys have the best of intentions but YOU know best what you need right now. Take the aides!! I don't think it could really end up hurting them too much to see someone else helping you. Help is good!
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Scoot over. Is there room for another chocolate Coke and cookies? Enjoy everything that sounds good. This is the best time of year with bbqs, fresh corn and tomatoes, homemade ice cream.
So glad to hear from you and Lita! I think the bickering is perfectly normal and partly a way to cope. They know they are loved or else they'd be on their best behavior. And no I don't think they care how you look. Please get the aides in to give you all a break.
As far as Exes go. We are in the same boat. You set the right example. However we all have free will. Even if they stray or rebel I believe our children will eventually do the right thing. They know they are loved no matter what. You are correct we have no control. It is so very hard.
The not sleeping must be contagious. I have it too. Stinks big time. I hold my thumb and listen to piano music. I also find if I do word games I get sleepy but not other games.
We are all by your side 24/7.
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