My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Candy, I understand the difficulty in imagining a future. That has been a real biggy for me. Imagining old age just sort of evaporated. My hub just got back from a camping trip with his father, he goes on these trips every year and the justification is the same, "Dad is getting older and I don't know how much time I have left with him." And I nod, because its' the truth. But in my head I am screaming, you don't know how much time you have left with me! Maybe take ME on a trip...but that's another topic for another day.
But I do get how it robs one of a future. The weirdest thoughts pop into my head. Today I ran into a guy I knew in high school. We chatted. I wondered, at the next class reunion, will I be one of the dead ones that gets mentioned? When I hang a new calendar each January I wonder, will I see the end of the year? THe chance of death was as equally possible before my diagnosis (100% risk of death prior to breast cancer, 100% risk of death AFTER breast cancer, my death risk has always been 100%) But the difference is that I was Blissfully Ignorant that I was 100% going to die! It was NOT a thought that daily shoved its fat, ugly way into my consciousness. My thoughts were unmolested by the clanging knowledge of my end date.
I spend my days in a spectacularly insignificant way in a very mundane and invisible life. But when it comes to long term thoughts of the future... nope. Not happening. I get it Candy. It leaves you sort of floating in a soup of sloppy nowness, because futureness is off the table. I get it.
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Gumdoctor,
I’ll be in your pocket as you continue treatment and as you heal. May God bless you in your journey
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BooBoo -
Thank you so much for your support. As you know, it means so much.
Gumdoctor
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Tanya -
You probably won't see this until later...but I am watching GMA breathlessly...they just did a first pass of your group...the signs were blocking your face and shirt but I saw a tiny bit of you...I am crying now...so proud...
Gumdoctor
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Candy and Runor,
I spent the first 2 years after bilat stage 3 diag and tx doing what I call "grave-sitting." This was all before MBC.
In my mind, I dug my grave and sat in it all day and all night. It haunted me and kept me in a very dark, wet, dirty state of mind all the time. After 15 months of multiple surgeries, chemo and radiation, I went back to work in the Army full-time with 15 jobs...all the while grave-sitting.
While still stage 3, I realized I have precious time left...my grave-sitting seemed very self-destructive. It was keeping me from enjoying my life fully and it became apparent it is not in my best interest to keep doing it.
As painful as this all is, this realization helped me deal with MBC better because MBC defines that end-date as coming even sooner than from stage 3.
I am not saying I do not have bad days full of worry and dread and sadness...but I don't live in that grave anymore. I am doing everything I can to stay away from it...my body will live there full-time soon enough...
I don't know if this grave-sitting paradigm can help you at all...but I am throwing it out there in hopes it might.
We have a choice in how we respond to any life challenge in every moment we are still alive and able to think clearly...
Sending supporting love to you,
Gumdoctor
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Gum Doctor~Your pockets must be stretched out by now. But the more support the better.... holding your hand along with the others
Mae~ always good to see you, you're inspiring me to want to excersise. Just fear that I'll hurt my one area in my spine. It's only the center of gravity. I also feel more clumsy. Since the AC and Abraxane dance. Like my marbles can sometimes be scrambled. Keep it up!!!
Runor~ always great to see you my sweet friend ! Hope all is as best as can be and you get your camping trip.... if that's what you want. Me I couldn't handle the heat. Or the bugs. I was never a great camper ever. I tried though, my DH was a scout master for his sons troop for years until he made Eagle Scout. Lots of work camping is Lots of work!!!!
BooBoo~ Hello darling. Fall is approaching here in PA. Leaves are starting, and the air is crisper. For sure. Loving that!
I just got up a little ago and turned on the television. This movie was on called away from her. Well.... I didn't think I would be snared Int watching the entire movie. It was about a couple married 44 years and she was diagnosed with altztiemers disease . It showed how he tried to take care of her. It showed his clear devotion. As she faded away in her memory of things, faces, people, voices, places she's been. All of that was going fast. Her beloved husband had to watch her slip away and grow closer to another man who was in the same home as her. Just because it was a similar diagnosis. He couldn't do anything except watch. I can honestly say I'd rather have cancer than forget my entire life and family. IMO that's worse. Such a sad ending. I'm so thankful my dad knew we were all there. He knew. We loved him. So much sickness and disease around. I'm sick of it all.
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Tanya and her mom ARE IN THE FRONT ROW ON GMA!!!!!
Watching right now!!!!!!!
Gumdoctor
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Just a lurker on this board, but want to say to Tanya, you and your mom look fantastic! I turned on GMA this morning just to look for you! So glad you are in the front so you can be seen.
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I spy with my little eye.... Tanya and family 😁
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Morning all.
Tanya- I missed GMA. Don't have a DVR. But sooooo glad you had this opportunity !!!!! And represented all of us. You and Grannax, and Philly (going to do a fashion show also) are wonderful for being the face of MBC- representing all of us.
Gumdoctor- In your pocket as you fight this and feel the effects of the harsh meds. Yes you are right that I don't need to grave sit. And I think I am doing pretty well. I attend church each week, am involved in our Ladies Group at church, volunteer at a Food Pantry once a week, went to a movie with friends the other night, going to a cookout this weekend (weather pending). I have my moments and typing them out in my posts help me to vent.
Please, please don't take this the wrong way. I don't want a fight. Runor- I love the way you are with words. I have kept some of your past posts. I think "Yes that is how I feel". I wish I could express myself the way you do. But.... you are not Stage 4. Maybe, prayerfully, you never will be. I go to church with a lady that had Breast Cancer 25 years ago. Had mastectomy, chemo, radiation. Yes she is a Breast Cancer sister. Yes she is a friend. But she is 25 years out from treatments. She is healthy. She is busy with life. She sees her doc yearly. We are not the same. And she doesn't claim to be the same as me.
I love that you post here, Runor. And I don't want you to stop. Please don't be angry with me. But you definitely don't need to be grave sitting. Live your life. Be diligent about follow ups with your cancer. It may never come back. You may have a normal life span.
But Stage 4 is a different beast altogether. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.
Sorry.
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Candy~ don't be sorry for how you feel you're allowed to have your feelings and opinions. I know that I grave sit for sure, without a doubt In my case it's grave laying. I'm in bed a lot. I think constantly. So does Runor..... thats half her problem half the time She's an excellent thinker, which also means she fears that much more. She may not get the words she's stage four ever. But the fear is staggering She may not be stage four, but the lingering fear is real.
We have been told we have stage 4, stage one, two, three.... all watch those we connect with go away. So stage four forces us to enter into our minds that cancer is cancer and once you have it. You can never un have it. We loose those we love all the same. Stages or not. And i dont think Runor is the type to take anything personally. Because she respects us. Quite a bit. Just like you deserve and get respect, youre an amazing person. You deserve to let out your posts whenever or wherever you need to. We love all of you. Very much. I wouldn't wish stage four on anyone. I cant say my worst enemy, because in ways cancer has taught me lessons. Many. Ones I may have never learned otherwise. I slow down now. See things differently. Always think before I speak. But if I get mad. Look out. I'm sure we are all the same way that way. Our fuse is shorter and our heat flashes longer. Candy my girl. We love you. Vent away sweet woman. Vent away.
Mara~ u ok?
Moomala~ you would love love today lovely fall feeling to it today! Wish I felt like walking I need to start moving my body More!
does anyone else's feet hurt when they walk? When I get out of bed they freaking hurt!!! Ouchie! Stiff arches toe joint aches yuck!Mae~ I set my DVR I will be spying with my little eye real soon.
I'm so proud of our Tanya. Your lovely family supporting you and us all. You Represent my sweet sister and we love you ! (I know you post other places. But to me This is your home. You've become a real sister )❤️🤗💖🌹0 -
Tanya, I saw you from the very first shot of people holding up their signs. I would have recognized your beautiful face even if you hadn’t told us what you were wearing. Thank you for representing us this morning. I am glad they were treating you well. WOOHOO!
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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LYNNE~~~♥️🤗 I am thrilled to see you. I miss you and your kind words. Remember you’re missed and loved here honey.
Tanya~❤️🌹💖 We have another star!!0 -
SuQu~welcome to the thread darling, always wonderful to see the support of all of us coming together for stage four! Let it rain the cure on us!!!!!! I hope you're having a great day!
~M~ 🌹
Haven’t seen Simone either !
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Here’s our girl and her family. I have another good shot as well!!!0 -
This one you can really see her mother and her beautiful faces!!!!! Awesome! ⭐️♥️🌈🥳0 -
Gumdoctor, grave sitting, what an accurate and fitting analogy! I could picture in my head exactly what you meant. After diagnosis, I did the same. I mean, if you are told you have breast cancer, go through all the treatments and then skip off into the sunset all happy and unconcerned I'd think you were a) very lucky and b) possibly brain damaged. The fact that anyone has cancer is an up-close and personal date where you get acquainted with your own mortality. So I did spend some time grave sitting, or being in shock, trying to wrestle out how my life now LOOKS the same but in no way FEELS the same. But as time has gone by I have poked my head up out of the grave to see what's going on. It took a couple of years though. I feel like a soldier slowly and cautiously poking his head out of the trench to see if the bullets have stopped whizzing. Is it safe to come out? Seems the worst of the gunfire might be over. Might. It might be safe to crawl out of the hole. Might. I might make it back to base camp. Might. I might be home free! Might. Or I might take a fatal sniper shot to the chest. All outcomes are equally possible. But you are also right that no one's life is served sitting in a grave. You put that so perfectly.
Candy, in NO WAY are you starting a fight. I fully realize that our current states are different. I was only saying that I too suffer from an inability to imagine a future. In fact, when I do accidentally start thinking long term I quickly check myself, whoa there, don't get excited, you read the bios, you know women go from DCIS to metastatic, so don't get all future focused there Runor, you dipshit. That is the internal dialogue I hear. And despite our differences in current diagnosis, that shitty voice in my head remains there. I can only imagine how much worse and how much more urgent and heartbreaking it is for you. I think mortality is a noise that gets introduced to all of us with diagnosis. For some of us it's a constant background noise but for others, those who are metastatic, it can be a fog horn right in your ear, knocking you over and drowning out every other sound. So while I may not grasp the magnitude of it, I do get that in December 2017 I had never heard that sound before and since Dec 2017, I have not been able to UNhear it. But I do fully recognize that our situations are not currently the same, even though our reactions have some similarity.
I saw Tanya on TV! (well, posted here, I don't see that show on my tv stations)
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How exciting to be on GMA Tonya! I recorded it and am watching it now.
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Runor- My friend and Breast Cancer sister. Gosh you speak so eloquently. I am so sorry you lost your innocence of mortality in Dec 2017. I am sorry that the "background noise" is always there for you. How I hate cancer and what it does to people. But please continue to live your life. Yes statistically 30% of early stage goes on to stage 4, but that also means 70% will not. I pray you are in the 70%.
I love fall. I decorate my house for the season. And I wonder if I will be here next fall to place all my decorations out again. Realistically I may not. I have organ involvement and the statistics for that is not too good. I have battled this for 2 years now. The hourglass is not so full anymore.
Thank you for your care, friend. But girl, live your life. Don't dwell on the what ifs.
Hugs.
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Mel It's a pretty warm fall day up here too! I haven't been outside much. Today I got my vaccination for pneumonia and another one for shingles. Since I can only get the shots in one arm, I can say that it's already sore. Bummer. I'm wearing short sleeves today but from what I hear we will be breaking out the sweaters later this week!
Tanya! I missed the show but there you are on tv in so many of these posts. Cool!
I'm going on a retreat this weekend for metastatic breast cancer patients with my support group here in town. Just 8-10 of us going but it's going to be really great. This is a really outstanding group of friends I have here and I am looking forward to spending some time with them. At our retreat, we will learn about Reiki and even better there is a forest immersion specialist coming to the retreat on Sunday to take us on a one hour walk and through the woods and teach us about being mindful, curious and joyful in nature. I'm super excited! I don't tend to do these sorts of things often and I really hate missing my hubby and my dog but it's just overnight at a local retreat.
Who recommended the Dr Neil Love podcast? Philly? So much of it is technical but the episodes on case studies are fascinating. I have been listening to it off and on today. Sometimes I think I immerse myself a little too much in learning about metastatic breast cancer and let life go by. Other times I want to know what I'm talking about with my MO.
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Candy I think your advice is excellent.
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Tanya,
Yippppeeeeeeee!! Saw you, hubby, your Mom and grandson on GMA. I taped it, and fast-forwarded until I saw you. You are a superstar in my book, girl. I feel like I know you already. I was so proud to tell my DH....there's my friend Tanya on TV! I did not know you were 16 years out. Was that from your first dx? Wow. I'm inspired. You made my day. Please let me know if you want to meet up for lunch sometime. Would love to sit and chat with you.
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Mel,
Hi Sweetie! Hope you are starting to get your Fall weather. I know how hard the heat is on you. It'll be awhile yet before I can say I'm enjoying the weather here...it's hot, hot, hot!! But I must say, it is SO much easier on my body. Even though it's balls hot during the day, the mornings are so beautiful. I no longer feel any dampness, which was so hard to deal with when I lived in PA. So I'm a-okay with it!
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Minnie ~ I wanted to mention my aunt Cheri is in Barcelona this week. She is visiting all over Spain. She sent me a pic of a beach. It reminded me of some of your pics. Hope you’re well!
hi BooBoo~. Tomorrow is supposed to be 92. Like gross. I won’t be going out in the sun. I may to chose to do my errands tonight!!!0 -
Hey ladies I’m flat on my back on a heating pad.I had to share these pics though.
Except for my mom all of these ladies are on Breastcancer.org threads. They are NOT all MBC.
The lady to the right with the beginning part of banner is Melissa and works for bc.org
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Tanya,
I couldn’t be prouder of you if you were my own sister. I am so happy that you got to have this experience.
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Ladies thanks for all your support today. I cried when I read your posts.
Booboo I was stage 3 when first diagnosed in 2003. MBC started in 2017. I’d love to get coffee or lunch with you anytime. I’ll be back in Tampa Oct 7th. Then treatment and a consultation at Moffit for possible surgery on the 8th.
Gumdoctor I hope they get to the bottom of this mystery soon.
All of the ladies in the picture went to breakfast. We didn’t join them bc my mom couldn’t walk and once we got the car out of parking lot it was a rap.
All very exciting I’ll try to do more reporting tomorrow. Mae you’re the best at the reporting.
Tanya
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Tanya, love your pic as part of the group!!! I bet you had to get up super early and had a crazy (but hopefully exciting) morning. No wonder you’re exhausted. Enjoy the rest of your time in NYC, rest up when you need it
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Tanya~Hello Daaaallling!!!! You rocked it woman. I can't believe how awesome it was to see you that many times. My kids and I saw it. I taped it because I wanted to get some clear snapshots of that amazing support group you have with that wonderful family. Loved the colors chosen. It certain was a sea of pink, No wonder you're just exhausted. I am in awe of your ability to force yourself to do it! I feel like I need to pick up my pace, some Fall temps are on their way. Two more days of heat and swelter. And then we go into the low 70's and mid 60's!!!! you looked amazing It was exciting to see you holding that sign like no ones business.
I have met Melissa before from BCO, she's a nice woman . I have been down to their headquarters in Ardmore, PA... a few times now. It is a nice group down there. Sorry you guys were too tired for the breakfast, but it seems like you had an entire day jam packed into the early Am. The show starts at 8:00 am. So proud of you( not that you need it!) lol ~M~
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