My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Mel- Good photo !!!! Maybe someday I will post pic of myself--don't like selfies.
Yeah I think Palliative Care would be good. I think cancer care should be more uniform. Offer Nutrition, Social Services, Palliative Care, Pain Management, etc to ALL cancer patients. And Mental Health be a part of it also. Cancer really does mess with your mental aspect. But that is not how it is. Sigh. My cancer center doesn't offer ANY of those.
Well today I did the Port Flush, Lupron, Xgeva appointment. I asked about influenza vaccine and infusion center doesn't have vaccines yet and unsure if getting them for the patients. ???? The nurse advised I just go to CVS, Walgreens, etc and get mine. Will probably do that next week. Wait a couple of days after today's shots to get another.
Weather MUCH better today. Sunny, blue skies, and temps in the low 70's. Kind of tired this afternoon and curled up in the recliner with my cat on my lap and read. Tomorrow's plan is light housework that needs done and cookout tomorrow night. And of course, reading all the posts on here. You guys are my second family.
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Hey ladies, I came across a really great organization called “hopes scarves", they help Women obtain a beautifully made scarf, that is tailored as much as they can to your wishes. If you can donate they take whatever, but if you can't afford a dollar even they care that much they will send you one for free so you're taken care of. If anyone here or you know of anyone, that would want a nice scarf since winter is approaching in places. I thought I would mention it here. I'm taking some of mine to the hospital with me, when I go in for my shot next time. Some of them are darling. Soft and sweet. For our little heads. Or in my case big head. Isn't it funny we all have different shaped heads. Even scarves are sized. I never really knew that. Hats as well. Never knew until I lost my hair. Now I look at everything differently!
Much love ~M~
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My girl Mel,
You are beautiful! Your hair is gorgeous! You are exactly as I pictured you. I will try to find a decent picture of myself and post. Not only am I NOT photogenic like you are, but I have gained about 20 lbs. since diagnosis of MBC in 2017. A lot of that was from the steroids I was on. I’m trying to stop using food as a crutch....but man, is it hard. The food down here is crazy good. I live near the Sponge Docks, which is a huge Greek community. The gyro’s are unbelievable. I am also 5 mins. from the Gulf, and the fish, shrimp, scallops, etc. are plentiful. Okay, Ijust made myself hungry!!
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Candy,
You sound like me. I am always doing something that has to do with cancer care....it does get old. I am on day 5 of 15 radiation treatments, and I feel like I live there!
It’s funny, but my onc does not want me to get a flu or any other kind of shot. But that’s another area where I see differing opinions.
I hope you enjoy your gorgeous weather. It’s still in the upper 80’s here. I cannot wait until we see the 70’s. That will be around December or January. :
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BooBoo~I have never ever been photogenic at all. I rarely get a good shot. I never did selfies either (candy) lol I find it interesting how we all see each other differently. I see myself as beaten up and past my expiration date of being anything close to beautiful. The weight thing upsets me a lot. I had lost 75 lbs, from a prior injury/surgery unrelated to cancer. I was in the best shape of my life. It hit me so hard. I was like Linus with my blanket (my hair). I was devastated to loose it. The surgeries I could handle, my hair killed my soul. I’m thankful to have it back. Sooo thankful. Love you ladies. And thank you Laurie you’re so kind.
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Mel, you're beautiful It's strange, but you're not very different from what I imagined ...
I'm still crying because of my hair. This is me 2 years ago, and my new me is my avatar...😪
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Yndorian~Hello gorgeous woman!!! I also feel the same way about you. You have such amazing skin. Thank you for sharing. You look young girl! (Avatar is gorgeous as well). I've told you before you picture is lovely. You're very photogenic for sure. Your hair is lovely in both pictures, some people Feel and say that it's just hair, but honestly it tore my soul out. It luckily grew back, but I refuse to loose it again I'll share a pic of me in the middle of all my surgeries and liver resection when I had lost all my hair. I was cue ball bald. It was the hardest thing for me to look at people. Because i knew they were looking at me, they knew I had cancer. Immediately!!! Beautiful ladies we are no matter what. It's amazing what the body comes back from ........
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This was June 22,2016 when I was in the hospital for a week, with my liver resection and mastectomy, my sweet DD holding my hand. Precious girl! Wow. I don’t want to go back to that place ever!!! 0 -
With God's help, you will never be there again ...
Your daughter is a beautiful doll!
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Micmel what a beautiful loving daughter you have, supportive family is so important to all of us.
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I don’t know what i would do without them. She is like sunshine when she smiles. It’s the reason we fight, my two sons and her and my sweet loving DH! It’s why I fight everyday. Even on days id rather be an ostrich and put my head in the sand!!! Thank you for saying my daughter is a doll... I think so too! My son was a little queasier about the entire hospital thing. He doesn’t do well with the smells or seeing me like that. Women have stronger stomachs sometimes. 😶0
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Hello ladies
I’m glad you found us newfromny. I’m sitting in the car with my mom, with the heat on at the football game. It’s 46 degrees and windy on top of a mountain in Bushkill falls. We had dinner with my grandson last night. The score is tied so I guess we’re here until the end.
Mel your selfie is beautiful. I’ve never taken a decent selfie.
Boo boo your puppy babies are so cute together. The food you described made me hungry.
Newfromny thanks for joining us here. This is my home and support. Welcome new friend.
Waving hi to all.
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Tanya~Hello lovely, I wish you would be in PA a little longer, I know you probably don't like the weather for sure. I hate to say it , but I love the crisp colder air. It's better for my hot flashes. I would have loved the opportunity to get together. It must be a rare thing you coming to PA. But I know exactly where you were talking about. I've hiked bushkill falls several
Times before becoming ill. You are now getting to see some of our foliage. It's lovely for sure. I love love fall! Please be safe in your travels. You're amazing. One morning rocking GMA and then another supporting your grandsons game. It's a shame we didn't have a better chance to plan. Bundle up, gonna be cold tonight !
Hugs beauty and thanks for the selfie compliment. I don't usually photo well at all. 😝
P.s love the picture of DH and grandson. I hear he’s a big deal in those parts 😁. Must run in the family .
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Tanya,
I'm not kidding when I say you look more like his Mom instead of his grandmom! He is one good looking boy.
Mel,
I would never have believed that the person in that bed is you. It makes me so upset to think what you have been through. Many of the brave ladies and men who have battled this disease are true warriors. I am just so glad that is behind you.
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BooBoo~It’s been a rough time for us all honestly. Everyone of us, who has to stare down the beast Those were the hardest of times, I didn’t think I’d make it this long while going through all of those surgeries, but it’s me. It wasn’t easy to post that, that is my worst side ever. That day my body became some testing ground for cancer to take over. But so far we haven’t let that happen. I want that for us all !
Tanya~ you truly.could pass for his mother Young fine young thing! Your grandsons is cute also!!! For sure ! Hope They won after all your traveling !!!💗
Love to all, ~M~
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Morning all.
Tanya- Great pic you posted !!!!
Mel- I too love fall and the cooler weather. Yes, it is better on the hot flashes.
Well today I am fighting the down-in-the-dumps feelings. Beautiful fall weather, Saturday, others out and about feeling good and living life. I am planning on going to a cookout this evening. But just always feel tired, achey, blah, not great. My friend that texts me (I have posted about him before), texted me this morning before he went to work. He has the same friends and is planning on going to the cookout this evening also. He texted he was headed off to work (8 hour day today). Said he got to bed around midnight last night and off to work at 7 this morning. Then the cookout this evening. I said I hoped I would not be too tired this evening and will feel like going. He commented that he is tired also. My hackles came up. Jealousy I guess. He is healthy. He went to bed late last night because he was out on the town. He doesn't know the meaning of tired. The exhaustion that comes with the cancer, the meds. I know he means well, he cares. But sometimes I just have a short fuse with him (and others). Don't say you understand me. You don't.
Am I bad for feeling this way?
I am going to try to get out of this funk and have a good day. And hopefully will enjoy the evenings activities.
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no you're not bad for feeling this way. We all have our moments. Ask your doctor for adderall for cancer fatigue. It's changed my days so far! Do anything you can to make what you need happen!!! I'm sorry you're feeling down. I have been there as well. I am sending you strong hugs my sister! ~M~
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Thank you so much for your post. I married my high school sweetheart at 19. I am now 48 and just got the devastating news that I will probable not be the one to sit on the front porch with the man I was supposed to grow old with. It turns my stomach. My husband is my biggest worry in this whole mess. He’s a wonderful man and I have come to terms with the fact that he will, at some point, love again. And as much as that hurts, he deserves happiness. Just my take on it. We have two grown children and two grandsons. I want him happy and it is a my mission to love him like crazy till Is am gone.
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Mel I love the foliage and the mountains. I’ve also hiked Bushkill 30 years or so ago, actually used to drive up with my children when they were younger.
Oh and Mel they won and we watched the Friday night football highlights this morning before we left. He scored all the points for the timberwolves Rhassan Jacobs. They said it was his night on the local TV station. 28 to 21. Exciting. My other grandson said he has hypothermia from sitting in the stands. My husband stood up the entire game. So proud of him. Has a full scholarship. He cried after the game. Both of his grandmothers have BC. She was there last night too.
Tanya
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Tracy~Hi honey.... I feel the pain in my heart for your post. You’re a very loving woman, I haven’t gotten to the point to except I won’t be the one sitting in that chair, so you’re light years ahead of me. But I’m hoping that with all the strides being made with treatments. We may hear the cure has come in our lifetime. Or at least live longer with medicine. That won’t kick our ass daily. I’m wrapping you in a huge loving hug. Welcome to our second home, I hope you’ll stay with us. We are a family. Hugs and much love ~M~
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Tanya~That is so damn awesome that they won. You can tell he’s packed with muscle and the youth radiates from him. I’m sorry both grandmothers have BC. That’s a shit deal There, your family is amazing. I am truly happy to share the happiness with you. You’re blessed! Go Team! Scholarship!!!! Congrats 🎈🎊🍾🎉!!!! Way to go Rhassan!!!!!!! Make a grandma proud!0 -
Welcome Tracy ahc. Yes Mel’s initial introduction on this thread is what lead us all here. I love your love him like crazy until I’m gone statement. That’s the positive. Being grateful for the here and now and trying to make every moment and memory count. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Tanya
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It's because we all love!!!! We needed a home for love and family. Today is strange, somedays I feel like ehh okay this is the way it is. Today everything is so vivid. The weather changing into fall the cool temps. It's almost surreal when the seasons change. Just like in our lives... we go through our own seasons. I sat down to rest my back and found myself in a quiet room alone starring out the window at nothing. It was like my mind was mush. It was lost, somedays ive realized I've lost myself. The woman I was is gone. I walk and talk I eat and sleep. But inside I'm gone. Changed forever, so is every relationship I have. Changed forever. There is nothing I can do except be a shrinking violet in the corner watching everyone else actually living with such a care free busy busy living life attitude. Filling their days with things I have to force myself to do. My days have changed. My stress massive, strength limited. Burped up from a wave on the beach as even it knows the season of my life changed again. The salt foams my hair and I don't recognize myself, but I'm stuck to sputter the water out of my mouth and grab for someones ankle to up right me again. Never knowing when the next wave catches me again weak and waiting to be knocked down all over again. But there i stand because I love the beach. Reaching for anything that will make me feel half the woman I was. Half of who I felt like I was. This woman I am now is a shadow of what I was. I'm not sure that's all that ok with me. I've never been one to settle. Why now has cancer made me HAVE to settle to just doing what I can, and praying to get back to my comfort of my own home. Where there no one points out how I've changed. They just except it. How come I can't ? 😞😶🥺
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Mel, there is no simple explanation for why one person or another gets cancer. Wouldn't that be so easy if there was. Often, I have been told that people get challenges only if they can handle them. I would think of having a disabled child. Could I handle that? What if I lived in poverty, scrambling for my food coupons and trying to feed my family. Could I handle that? What if I had to uproot my family to protect them from danger and risk getting arrested for illegal entry and my children end up in cages. Could I handle that (oops, don't mean to be too political on BCO)? There is no good reason for any of these dire situations that people endure. For us, it is cancer, and again, there is no good reason. I have taken excellent care of my body for my whole life, while I see so many others who do not. Yet, cancer found me. What the hell. I will say one thing though. Maybe your cancer has opened a road for you to help others. Look at what you have done with this thread. We all feel welcomed and loved unconditionally and that is all because of your great gift of inclusion and tolerance and understanding. Thank you for overcoming your pain to give us a safe place. It is your calling
❤️Donna
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Donnabelle,
I couldn’t have said it any better. Thank you for your post.
Mel,
Must be something in the water. I am almost never depressed, and today I am struggling so hard to stay positive. I was reading about all of the side effects of Piqray, and I almost want to just stop it all. I don’t want headaches and mouth sores. I don’t want to lose more time feeling like crap. But what choice do we really have? I am hoping you are right and we are not far from a cure. I know things will look better tomorrow, but it sure has been a downer day for me too
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Today just sucked ass! That’s for sure... shitty ass day.
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Now let's add insomnia to the list for shitty day. Woke up, felt pretty good. Had a nice morning with DH, watched our show together ozark. The show ended and we ran our errands together came home and sat down to eat. He took off his shoes and wanted the shoes in the hallway where he actually puts them on. He sits on the stairs and puts them on. It's easier for him. So.... off comes the first shoe, he raises it up and let's it rip into the direction towards the hallway. It instead, bounced off of the bed post and went directly towards the 55 inch television in the master bedroom that is my lifeline. During the weeks
. It hits the bose speaker and smacks the corner of the television screen with the sharp edge of the speaker. It all happened so fast. It scared the shit out of me because it was in my peripheral vision. I wasn't happy with that decision at all. I inside was like what the hell was that? Who does that???? So I'm gagging down my lunch we brought home, holding back tears because I worry about his stress levels. But mine just went through the roof because I knew it had to be replaced and taken care of that day. Not on on list of things to do. My van needed inspection, and of course the one freaking document I needed got wet and wasn't readable and I had to get it online and email them a copy of the insurance card. Fine no big deal. Except, during this entire time I'm getting.nothing but attitude from my usually sweet loving kind funny DH. Who showed up this weekend I dont know. I realize him being the bread winner and running two households and travel is a lot please don't think I don't get that. i sooooo much do. But I didn't break the damn tv. I also didn't intentionally wet the document.
He's recently received a very high profile promotion. He didn't really want, only took because we needed more money for my medical issues. Yes once again me, me,me ,me the old hole in the bucket. How can we ever have any self worth or esteem if we are always trying to catch up to who we were? . I'm so sick of this fucking new normal I can't even cry anymore. It's 1:08 am and I'm bugged out, freaked out about what the hell my future holds. The worst part (and best)is I'm doing really really well. I can't even bring myself to even enjoy that correctly. All I see is the things I've lost. Or am loosing. If you've gotten this far you're a saint and I love you. I'm done and hopefully tired. Crossing fingers !!
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Yikes! One of those marital moments where everything goes south. I hope you are asleep as I type this. Hugs.
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morning hugs. Bright new day.
I’m sleeping in.
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Yes, today is a new day, and I had a very good night's rest. Going to an awesome church we found near us in Trinity. I feel back to my old self.
Mel, hoping you got some rest and that things look brighter for you today. Yes, I read the whole thing. I think you are amazing how you can transfer your feelings so well onto this thread. I was SO feeling your frustration, and your DH's too. He is under a lot of stress, and he needs to unload too. I realized that when my DH started drinking a lot, and finally got it that he was trying to cope with my dx. We have to allow them to vent and find a healthy way to cope. I agree throwing his shoe was not the way to do that, but men are stupid. (Sorry for any males reading this.) My DH is seeing a counselor now, and has a way to unload. Things have gotten so much better ever since.
Anyway, I hope your Sunday is better than yesterday. Much love and big hugs!
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